350 dates in one year….what not to do on your next date!

An interesting piece of feedback I hear from a lot of men and women who juggle working with a professional matchmaker, and dating apps, is how often their respective dates almost brag about how many people they date. This is a major “no no” when it comes to dating 101.

A friend I had a conversation with the other day mentioned that one man she is interested in, told her last year alone, he had over 350 dates with women. She chalked it up to being a Silicon Valley “data driven” type but the truth is, it’s not only daunting to imagine but a turn-off. 350 women! Who on earth has time for that unless unemployed and loving the hamster wheel lifestyle, yet with no real purpose or intention to settle down with one person?

My advice is not to talk about how much you have been dating recently. I think part of the psychology behind what fuels someone to mention all the dates they go on and people they meet is to showcase how desirable one is to the opposite sex. As in, the more I mention to him all the men that are emailing me for dates, the more he will think I am attractive.

The reality is, most of the time, if you share these conquests of sorts, you will appear as though you are not serious about finding a relationship. Instead, you’re in what I call “play mode” and not “serious mode.” There’s no denying play mode is awesome but be supremely careful with the information that comes out of your mouth and the image you project on dates. If you want to be taken seriously, you need to play the game right.

My advice is to focus on the man or woman who is sitting across from you on your date and show genuine interest in them. Be present, intentional, and motivated to find the right match with the “perfect” chemistry that works for you. If your date pokes around to see if you are actively dating and appears curious to hear stories, simply “don’t go there.” No need to lie or fabricate the truth but you can delicately switch topics with grace and dignity, while focusing on your date and not entering the slippery slope that is “TMI.”

eComm 101

Written by: Linx staff Michael Norman

The past week has involved a lot of conversations about how people communicate while dating, and nearly all of those conversations have been about some form of frustration with hearing – and not hearing – from a date. Amy and I have heard complaints about frequency (both too much and too little) concerns about content (both too formal and too familiar) and timing (as in “Isn’t this a little too soon?” and also “Who sends a text at that hour?”) A good friend of mine insists that if you’re seeing someone who’s really into you, there’s no wrong way or bad time to contact a love interest, but given my own recent frustrations with a Poor Communicator, I’d have to disagree. Since the object of my affection is currently bedridden on the East coast in a fin de siècle-style typhoon of influenza, salmonella, and some other viral/bacterial pestilence that is likely the result of too much time spent in airplanes and not enough time spent asleep, I’m letting him off the hook for now. But for everyone else, here’s a refresher on communicating in a mobile and hyperconnected age… sometimes it’s still hard for me to believe that as a teenager, I actually had to be in my bedroom in order for someone to call me.

Control Your Text Drive….

Text is, by far, the easiest form of communication to abuse. It is also, unfortunately, one of the most dangerous. No matter how many emoticons you throw at your date, text messages are meant to be brief, and that brevity tends to make it very hard to understand any suggestion of tone or nuance contained therein. So don’t assume any particular tone or nuance was properly conveyed. Between people who hardly know each other (in other words, with someone you’re newly dating) texts should really only be used to convey facts. You should only use a text to send an address, to let someone know you’re running late, to convey a change in plans, etc. You should use a text to tell someone you’re standing outside, to tell him you’ve claimed a table at the bar, or to let her know your flight just landed. But use text messages sparingly when dating, and only use them to convey information that cannot be misunderstood. If you absolutely must use texts to say something other than “I’m wearing a blue sweater, gray plaid pants, and Prada loafers,” limit yourself to “I had a really great time last night and I can’t wait to see you again.” A text to someone new shouldn’t include words like “sometime”, “possibly” or “maybe.” Ever.

Know Your Audience…

Some people love attention; they crave daily texts and phone calls. Some women love it when a guy showers them with text messages, and calls them “Baby” or “Sweetie” after a first date, and some men consider any contact at all between dates to be unnecessary and superfluous… and never the twain shall meet. Most of us are right in the middle, but regardless of where we stand, we all tend to assume that our dates should feel the same way that we do; after all, how could our own stance be anything but reasonable, and assuming we are attracted to reasonable people, should they not feel exactly the same way about how to communicate? It turns that’s not always the case.

When I look at my own relationship, for example, I know that Mr. Poor Communicator literally buries his head in work, spends more than 100 hours a week on his company, and often falls asleep on his couch in positions that are doing permanently bad things to his neck. When we see each other, he is fully focused on being with me, and does an excellent job of blocking out the rest of the world. But when we’re not together, I become a victim of that very same focus. For him, taking the time to call or even text me is just a distraction from the work he needs to finish in order for us to actually be together in person. What he doesn’t understand (because really, when do you bring something like this up?) is that I’m an only child, and my mother used to punish me with days on end of silent treatment, so when I don’t hear from someone I care about – no matter how well I might be able to grasp the underlying intellectual rationale for that silence – I eventually start to feel like I’ve done something wrong or disappointed them. Obviously, it’s important that I figure out a way to convey to him some portion of this.

If you’re in a new relationship or feel like there’s a disconnect in the communication style in your current one, this can be a really important thing to address. And it’s really critical to focus on how you feel, rather than to try to place blame or cast yourself as a victim. For example, I can explain to my guy that “When I don’t hear from someone I care about for a long period of time, I start to worry that I have offended or disappointed that person,” or I can say, “When you ignore me, you make me feel bad about myself.” One of those is likely to elicit an empathetic response and lead to a compromise that deepens the relationship, while the other could just as easily lead to a breakup. Since I don’t want a breakup, it’s really important that I focus on my feelings and my experience and that I give him the chance to be empathetic. If you would also like a compromise and a healthy change in your relationship, then you should give your companion the chance to understand your experience, too.

If you have the opposite problem of hearing from someone too frequently, you can take the approach of saying “I really like you. In the past, I had the tendency to move way too quickly in relationships, and it’s important for me to move slowly. I’m comfortable texting a couple of times a week at this point. That obviously will change as we get to know each other better.” Too often, we tell people what’s “wrong” with their behavior instead of simply expressing to them our needs, expectations, or boundaries. The truth is that there’s usually nothing “wrong” with their behavior; but that doesn’t mean it’s right for us. So have the conversation about what works best for you. Get to know your audience; I hope to be following my own advice as soon as he regains the 9 pounds he lost last week and can actually get on a plane again.

Work on Your Timing…

With travel and time zones playing such big roles in everyone’s lives, it’s really important to pay attention to where you are on the map… and to how far away your love interest happens to be. While you may be counting the days or hours until you can see him or her again, you should also really be counting the hours (on the clock) that separate you. If you leave the country, know what time it is before you text someone; there is nothing more frustrating that getting a 4am “Just saying hey from Seoul” text message, especially if your job requires that you leave your phone on overnight because someone’s life might depend on it. Be respectful of the life and career of the person you’re dating. We all know that traveling for work brings with it a tremendous amount of loneliness and boredom, but you want to be sure that you’re met by excitement – rather than frustration – when you return. An occasional mistake is bound to happen if you’re an avid texter, but if you do regular long haul travel for work, trade in your texts for emails. But if you’re somehow restricted to your phone and you still insist on texting, you can keep yourself out of trouble by sending all of those texts to… an email address.

With so communication tools at our disposal, it can be hard to know the right tool to use in the right way with the right man or woman, so it’s important to use the oldest tools at our disposal – our mouths and ears – and actually ask about these topics in person when we have the chance. It turns out that in a wired (and increasingly wireless) world, that we’re all wired a little bit differently, so don’t assume that you and your date are automatically going to operate on the same wavelength. Dating is about getting to know someone, and that requires communicating, so you should actually be motivated to figure out the most efficient way to do it. In fact… the sooner you figure out the best way to communicate, the sooner you can start building a real relationship.

Putting the CON in Confidence… Part III

It’s great to have a toolkit for getting through a first date with a veneer of healthy self-esteem, but what happens after that? If you’re lucky, a first date leads to a second. And a second leads to a third. But if you aren’t feeling good about yourself, you probably won’t make it very far beyond a couple of dates. That’s fine if you never really had an initial spark, or it’s becoming clear that that two of you are very different people who might not easily connect, but it’s not so fine if the fire fizzles simply because you’re too trapped in your own head to focus on the person right in front of you.

In order to capitalize on early chemistry and attraction, it’s important that you a) actually believe that you deserve to be dating this particular person, and b) let your date see and appreciate that. Try to remember that in order for any healthy relationship to survive, both parties have to be invested, and both of you actually have to think that it’s a good idea. So let’s assume you really did feel sparks, and that the early interest in mutual… if you aren’t the world’s most confident person, what can you do to bolster your ego just a little bit? After all, there has to be more to successful dating than just asking a waiter for suggestions and walking a woman to her car, right?

Here are a few ways you can develop some dating confidence. And if you don’t think you need additional confidence when it comes to dating, try to keep in mind that having added confidence can be useful in almost every aspect of our lives.

Make a list, and check it twice…

I recently spoke with a client who was nervous about an upcoming first date. She was concerned that her date might not like her for a dozen different reasons, and had already started rationalizing a case for rejection from a man she hadn’t even met. While it’s healthy to be prepared for any possible outcome, she was really only focused on one. If you find yourself doing this – particularly when it comes to anticipating rejection, you need to slow down, and make a list of all of your positive qualities and attributes. Yes, all of them. Go ahead and start now; it might take awhile. Be as detailed as possible. Oh, you like your earlobes and pinky toes? Turns out you’re one of those rare people who never has morning breath? You rarely move while sleeping? You can make a gourmet meal out of almost anything? You’re incredibly good at your job, and your patients/clients/colleagues love you? You never forget a birthday? You actually have the time and desire to invest in a relationship? Your most recent ex said that you had “incredibly good hands”?

Take some time to really study this list. These are all of the things about you that are great. These are all of the reasons someone should want to date you. These are all of the reasons that would make someone LUCKY to be your significant other. Some of it, of course, is going to seem very silly. But the rest of this should feel very true and very real. Don’t focus on the possible perceived negatives. Don’t highlight your weaknesses; showcase your strengths. You may still not end up on a second date, but it will be because your date doesn’t appreciate your positive qualities, which is his or her loss. If you go into an evening expecting that your date is going to reject you based on your own insecurities, you’re creating a situation in which one of the worst possible outcomes simply lives up to your expectations. No one wants to experience that.

Dress the part…

I’m sure you’re getting tired of hearing that you need to dress up for a date, but I really can’t stress this enough. What you wear and how you present yourself really does matter. After all, you wouldn’t wear a bathrobe to a job interview, and yet you’re probably not hoping that you and your next job are going to have a relationship that involves the phrase “’til death do us part.” We get confidence from our clothing choices; color tends to make us feel more youthful and alive, flattering cuts make us feel better about our bodies, and high quality garments are often an indicator that we see value in investing in ourselves.

You want to signal that you believe yourself to be desirable, attractive, and worthy of investment. And you want your date to agree. When you really dress for a date, you’re telling the man or woman across the table that he or she matters, that you respect their time and value their attention, and that you value yourself. Highly. If you’ve ever had the experience of overdressing on a day that you feel awful in the hope that you’ll get some sort of compliment, you already understand the role that attire can play in dictating your mood. Putting some effort into your wardrobe pays dividends at all times. It also gives you practice being comfortable attracting attention and accepting compliments. If you have one of “those jobs” where you’ll actually be frowned upon for wearing anything more than a t-shirt and jeans, start making an effort on just one day of every weekend. Your friends will tell you that you look great, and you’ll start to feel even better.

Talk to Strangers…

One of the hardest things about building dating confidence can be overcoming stranger anxiety… you know, the stuff that sets in when we’re about 18 months old, and (for most of us) never really goes away? There is a lot of inherent risk in approaching someone you don’t know, and we spend the first part of our lives being told to never do it. As we age, involvements with strangers tend to be managed through classroom, professional, or social environments where an instructor/boss/friend provides a framework and context for initial interactions. Relationships of all forms tend to blossom from these meetings, but early expectations (and hopes) are typically low. This, of course, doesn’t provide much of a foundation for creating a relationship with someone you meet online or through Linx; we might say that the two of you should meet each other, but it’s still up to you to do the heavy lifting.

There is a way to get better at managing stranger anxiety, and that’s to actually approach strangers. Yes, do exactly what your parents told you to never do. Your goal should only be to have small, simple interactions… asking for the time, making chitchat while waiting in a grocery store line, etc. Do this initially with people you simply don’t find attractive. Start with people of the same sex, or with men and women who are significantly older or younger. Once you get comfortable striking up conversations with strangers you don’t find attractive, then start doing it with people you DO find attractive, but who aren’t available. In other words, look for wedding rings. This allows you to get over the anxiety of approaching someone you find desirable while keeping the stakes very low. And finally, when that becomes easy, you can start talking to strangers who appear to be attractive AND available. It will give you the confidence you need to approach people when dating in the wild. It will also provide a nice boast to your self-esteem when you meet someone exceptional through Linx.

Find a Coach…

Increasingly, people are more and more willing to turn to coaches to help them gain or develop missing and weak skills; we do it with fitness and nutrition, with sports, with job interviews, with grad school applications, and even with childbirth. So it shouldn’t seem odd to think that when it comes to dating and confidence, it might be a good idea to have a coach. Much like you might with a gym routine, see if one of your close friends can help you develop some skills and confidence. Give each other positive feedback, encourage more outgoing behavior, and remind each other of your positive qualities. Sharing your goals with other people in your life is usually a great first step to making them happen.

If you’re doing this on your own, consider using a book like Ten Days to Self-Esteem by David Burns. The noted Stanford psychiatrist walks you through several steps that help in gaining confidence, improving your sense of self-worth, and developing a positive outlook. The skills are applied broadly, but can definitely have romantic benefits. If your goal is really to just focus on skills that are dating specific, however, and to do so in person, you may want to consider working with Linx. We provide private, customized coaching sessions for clients on a regular basis, and would be happy to work with you in whatever way you might need.

Regardless of how you choose to do it, your entire life can benefit when you decide to work on your confidence and self-esteem. Even if you think you’re “doing fine” on issues of self worth, there isn’t much of a downside to developing more confidence, and learning that it’s ok to feel truly good about yourself. We all have things about our bodies, our lives, and our personalities that we’d probably like to change, but we want the people in our lives to accept us for the qualities and attributes that won’t. You can’t have what you don’t ask for, and you’ll never convincingly ask for a great relationship if it’s not something you believe you deserve. So learn to like yourself just as you are; learning to appreciate all that you have to offer is a key first step in finding a relationship that is real, deep, and everlasting.

Mary Had a Little Lamb

Have you ever started dating someone and made the infamous trip to their pad, all excited to maybe cook together, chill for the night….the candles are lit, the wine is open, the hot make-out has happened UNTIL you see their bedroom covered in stuffed animals?

That’s right, stuffed animals, teddy bears, and creepy dolls in a doll case? Although your new love interest might be biologically 30 years old, it is almost as if you are in his/her parent’s home in the old childhood bedroom.

This stuff happens all the time. It can be a serious BUZZ KILL and put a damper on the evening. Why have the oversize teddy bears, droopy eyed larger-than-life fuzzy puppy dog, stuffed random toys, creepy porcelain dolls, Cabbage Patch Dolls, and the like gracing the bed, bookshelves, and what seems like a hallucinogenic nightmare for you.

I’ll admit I still have some of my absolute favorite fuzzy friends from childhood- but tucked away safe in a large box (or two!) at my parents home. These friendly little faces used to be my best buds- they listened to me when I really needed them, never talked back when I was bratty, tucked me in safe at night when I hated the dark, and even were my “best students” when I used to play school all throughout middle school. I packed fake lunches for them at night, begged my mom to take me to a real teachers supply store to purchase the teachers essentials (like a #1 Teachers mug, the perfectly sharp pencils, crisp paper, rulers, a marker board, smelly fruity markers, and of course..the grade and role book. )

Although I don’t play school anymore and hang with my buds aka my: “Ready Teddy bear” , “Rolo bear”, “Dancer Bear, “Nigel Murphy Cabbage Patch Doll”, “Kay Amie Cabbage Patch Doll” , or Rolo bears child aka “Small G ”…I do think of them on occasion. We shared SO much together. That said, I grew up, I moved on, I tucked them away safely in a storage box and knew they would be very warm and cozy in their new crate home.

I wonder sometimes why adults who are on the dating market still have their stuffed friends widely displayed in their apartments and homes? I’m talking displayed across the entire bed. Don’t get me wrong, it is one thing to have a cute bear on a bookshelf or maybe a sweet fuzzy hippo, baby lamb, duck, doggy, rabbit, or koala from your alma mater with the alma mater tie on it or sash from graduation but not your whole collection.

From a dating perspective, I believe it sends the wrong signal. Thoughts that go through your new love interests mind could range from:

Bed wetter issues, does he/she still suck their thumb too, mommy or daddy issues, issues and more issues, can’t let go of the past, what else is messed up with this person?

Your stuffed doggie can bring you serious relief from a crappy day at work and be a well deserved source of comfort for you- even when you are an adult. Or that little lamb can distress from you from an anxiety ridden situation or cradle you after a shitty break-up.

Now to throw an interesting twist to the scenario, Harvard Business School published information which reveals that “Adults are less likely to cheat and more likely to engage in pro-social behaviors when reminders of children, such as teddy bears and crayons, are present.”

So maybe we all keep the bear, buy some crayons, and throw a little tea party to boot?

Stop Playing Games | Dating Advice

When it comes to dating, who do you think plays more games? Men or women? I think women always think that men do the game playing (and in a lot of cases I think that can be very true) but from a behind the scenes perspective at Linx, I’d have to say the women appear to have the tendency to play more head games with the guys.

Our guys at Linx are pretty simple guys who at the end of the day want to find a lasting, genuine connection. They sign up for Linx because they work a lot, loathe the idea of sifting through hundreds of online profiles after work, have limited social resources for set-ups through friends, and have a high bar for what they want. They trust my team that we have listened carefully, intuited their type, and will deliver.

As a matchmaker, my routine for setting up clients has become ever more rigorous as we want to eliminate ANY reasons for them to turn down a proposed match.  For example, as I present a match candidate to a client, I ask a few high level questions, like these, to ensure that we are on the right track:

Do you think you know this person? 
Are you in town and is the timing good for you? 
Do you like the sound of my match candidate? 
Do you feel excited about the possibility or luke warm? 
Do you have any concerns from the gate? 
Do you have any major questions for me before we proceed? 
Are you completely unattached? 
And on and on…..

Once we reach that point and with any questions answered, if both the respective male and female are equally jazzed and pumped up to meet one another, THEN we “green light” the match and proceed. The engines are all fired up. Behind the scenes, I’m pacing back and forth like the rat in a laboratory cage wondering if the sparks will fly. At this stage, both parties have officially received their respective match bios describing each other – each is a completely original take on who their fabulous date is. No last names, no photos, only a vivid, luscious description with words to build up that anticipation … and have those engines continue to vroom vroom baby.

A scenario that we REALLY try to avoid at Linx (since this is such a different approach compared to everyday dating on your own) is the cat and mouse game AFTER A MATCH is made. What do I mean by this? Well, your fab cutie Silicon Valley entrepreneur date calls you and can’t reach you. So he leaves a message and you decide to play coy and do the little dance. You don’t call him back so now he’s sort of panicked wondering WTF. He reaches out to me being the matchmaker/friend/liasion/trusted source/fairy godmother type, and then matchmaker and client do the little dance.

Male client, “Amy I’m not sure what happened. Maybe I have the wrong number or something but I left a message on Friday and it is now Monday. Maybe she is traveling?”

Me, “Hmm, well I think she is in town, so let me ping her and see what is up.”

Then I proceed to reach out to her. She gets back to me right away with a “oh yeah, I have been so busy with unexpected guests in town but will call him back right away.”

She calls him and doesn’t reach him but doesn’t leave a VM. He proceeds to call her right back and she doesn’t pick up. This game continues for another two days until he calls me and is legitimately concerned.

Male client, “Amy, I just don’t think she is serious about meeting. Maybe she doesn’t like the sound of my profile but I am sticking to my gut and trusting in my grandmothers sage advice. We are all very busy people and if she really were serious and wanted to meet, she would have called me back by now. It is 7 days since the official match went out via email.”

Me to him, “I hear you, I really do. I’m not sure what to say or do as it places me in such a precarious situation. I feel for you and know you are results driven and it shouldn’t be this difficult. Let’s move on, upward, onward, and with enthusiasm. I will get to work on your next match right away!”

My title is matchmaker but I’m also a business owner who wears the hat of CEO and has to deal with these really tricky situations. In this case, I look at patterns in this kind of behavior and sometimes realize that a client has already done this sort of thing before with another client. As Patti Stanger would say, “Get out of my freakin’ club!”

People are fragile and even the most confident man at work can have feelings of doubt when it comes to dating. As you are out there dating, keep it simple and straightforward. Follow the approach that your ancestors would have done when they were out there dating. In other words, emulate and appreciate what old-fashioned courtship and chivalry really means.

We are so completely inundated with gadgets and apps in today’s modern society and are always “on the run.” Although people may say they are really ready to find love, sometimes I have to boldly ask them if they REALLY are?! Someone like the woman in the example above who can’t seem to call her date back might be hiding something and masking the truth. Maybe she is scared to find the one and actually be open and vulnerable.

Slow down and sometimes just stop in your tracks to think about what you are doing and how others will perceive you when dating. If you are a female and you want to fall in love in 2013, stop playing games. If you are a man and want to fall in love in 2013, stop playing games.

If he calls you, show him the proper respect and call him back (and yes the same thing goes to the guys out there.)

Have manners, be polite, and be gracious. 

With all of this being said, shit happens in life. If you are in a legitimate bind with guests in town, have fallen down and can’t get up, have food poisoning, have had your dog eat your homework, have 4 flat tires, have a cell phone that spontaneously combusted, or have spontaneously combusted yourself, there is always a solution out there!

We still do have pay phones, prepaid calling cards, carrier pigeons for sale http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pigeon_post, smoke signals, flares, and you do have two legs and feet for walking. Chances are, you can find a way to communicate to your date and share that you are excited to go out and will call him for a chat asap.

Dating doesn’t need to be so complicated.  Don’t be the road block that hinders you from falling in love. 

Be the catalyst to create the relationship you deserve. 

Ask Linx Anything!

Dear faithful readers,

Although I don’t know most of you personally,  I am thankful that you are reading the blog and hopefully enjoying the random things I post here from Linx HQ. I’d like to get to know all of you better and thus encourage you to comment on any of the entries. Don’t be shy!  And, yes, you can do this anonymously.  I’m going to start a new “ask anything” part of the Linx website where you can submit dating and relationship questions to my inbox and I will answer on the blog, keeping your identity totally and completely anonymous.  So go for it!

Q: ” Amy when is it appropriate to sleep with the guy I am really into?”

A: Although it can be very tempting with hormones firing in all directions, resist that temptation until you are exclusive! If you are serious about love and getting to the goal of marriage in the near future, absolutely wait until you are in an exclusive relationship. 

Our featured song is Enrique Iglesias Tonight I’m Lovin’ You. 

Women make it too easy for guys right and left by having sex  without any sort of commitment. I was horrified, when I was dating in San Francisco, at how casual guys were about sex. “Stay over tonight,” he would say. “Huh?” was my response followed by a “not ’til we are exclusive.”

Guess what? The serious good guys will RESPECT your wishes, beg, and drool like hungry pups waiting for their dinner and the WRONG ones will drive you home that night (thus rejected) saying “ciao bella.”  After he drops you off at home (or hails you a cab or worse yet, you get yourself a cab) chances are he will never call or ask you out again.  Let’s face it, in many ways, you did reject his sexual advance. On the other hand, sister, you are putting your values and needs first, not his testosterone.  

For him, there are so many other girls willing to go downtown and do the horizontal mambo that you can focus on finding the right guy.