Silicon Valley

Friends with an ex: Worth the time or time to move on?

 

iStock_000042224340_Small.jpgAfter sharing love and a life together, severing all contact with an ex sounds like a harsh outcome to say the least, but is maintaining ties with an ex worthwhile? Traditional advice seems to support “clean breaks” and “moving on”, but is there something to be said for pursing friendship in lieu of separation?

 

Is friendship with an ex even possible?

 

According to The Journal of Social Psychology, friendship after a breakup is more likely if you and your ex were friends prior to the relationship.; the transition is easier if both parties have experience in the platonic realm. Conversely, if sparks flew shortly after meeting, you stand to endure more pain and awkwardness as the romance falls away.

 

The nature of the breakup will also impact the opportunity for friendship. Naturally, break ups that included heated endings—arguments, cheating, or any sort of perceived hostility—jeopardize chances of friendship. However, if the dumper used “de-escalation” tactics—or slowly started pulling away, the ex-partner has time to adjust and consider an alternative dynamic.

 

Why stay friends?

 

If you do decide to remain friends, have an honest conversation with yourself about your motivations. According to a research study published in the Journal of Personality and Individual Differences, your desire to remain friends after the relationship probably falls under one of the following reasons:

 

Reliability/sentimentality: your ex “gets you” and you can count on him or her to have your back.

 

Pragmatism: your ex makes your life easier. Your ex has resources you want—connections to business prospects, money, or skills you need.

 

Continued romantic attraction: You’re still in love.

 

Children and shared resources: Joint loans, kids, mortgages, etc. are obligations that make severing contact difficult if not impossible.

 

Diminished romantic attraction: Although the passion has waned, you still share an emotional connection.

 

Social relationship maintenance:You have similar friend groups or family friends.

 

Sexual access: Maintaining enough connectivity to ensure sexual opportunities or, simply, a friends with benefits situation.

 

Although reliability was the prevailing reason for friendship among both women and men, men were more likely to rate pragmatism and sexual access higher than women.

 

If you are pushing for friendship, be sure it’s friendship you’re actually looking for. To get your answer, ask yourself the following:

  • Are you scared to lose support, advice, and comfort?
  • Are you trying to avoid grief?
  • Do you want the benefits of partnership (i.e. sex) without a formalized commitment?

 

If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions, you might be more interested in filling a void than pursuing a true friendship. If you find yourself pursuing contact for these reasons, the pain and stress of the breakup are probably encouraging some unhealthy rollercoaster emotions.

 

Using friendship as a crutch while your relationship dies will prolong the agony of heartbreak. The sooner you cut ties and take time for yourself—on your own—the sooner you may have an opportunity to pursue friendship.

 

What does creating space for friendship with an ex look like?

 

Firstly—and this may sound dramatic—defriend your ex on Facebook. According to research that appears in the Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, monitoring an ex on Facebook “exacerbates feelings of distress…and increases feelings of sexual desire and longing for an ex partner.” Although people who de-friended exes still experienced some setbacks in personal growth during their breakup, ultimately they reported less negative feelings than their stalker counterparts.

 

Instead of focusing on the friendship with an ex, you might find more value in revisiting your platonic relationships. The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships revealed that cross-sex friends who have always been platonic offer more satisfaction than cross-sex friends who have been lovers. Without sexual attraction or a need to get more serious, platonic friends share a pure connection.

 

Regardless of what you decide, give yourself—and your ex—and opportunity to adjust to the being single. If you do decide to pursue friendship, realize that the strong emotional connection you continue to share could complicate—at best—or preclude—at worst—your chances of establishing a new, totally fulfilling relationship.

New testimonial

“Amy Andersen is in a league of her own! My experience with her has been so enjoyable and has reminded me of how much fun that dating can be. She has a keen attention to detail, succinct prescreening questions, and a knack for working with high quality people that are commitment minded. What makes her stand out above all is her follow up and genuine interest in a positive outcome… I have yet to meet another matchmaker on her level that has been such a dating expert – she’s actually like a dating coach. All relationships would go much more smoothly if Amy was there as a dating coach…”

-LA based 30-something entrepreneurial female

Matchmaking Magic 🤩 🏹

Spring is on the horizon (thank goodness!) and there are so many Linx couples who are exclusive and completely in love. As founder of Linx, in my 16 years of running my company, quite honestly, I have never seen anything like it. My craft has been significantly fine-tuned over the years and so much of my matchmaking style goes on “gut” and instinct. Far less on metrics and science. I am predicting many engagements occurring in the next 12 months.

Here is a testimonial from a former client who’s now off-the-market. He’s extremely private but agreed to write something for you readers to enjoy…

“I was a skeptical of matchmaking and Amy completely changed my views on that. The third person she matched me with is truly the soulmate I have been looking for in the 8 years since I got divorced.
had never come close to finding true love with my numerous mobile app dates. Her process was very detailed and I appreciate she spent considerable time in-person getting to know me.
I am over the moon now that I found my beautiful and amazing sweetheart through Amy.
When you search for a needle in a haystack you are far better off with the help of a needle magnet like Amy! Don’t waste your time elsewhere!” 
 
– Anonymous 40-something entrepreneur 

Event of the year…..March 5th…!

Dec Dating Confidential_Group.jpg
The Best of Silicon Valley 2019 Party brings to life the January & February “Best of Silicon Valley” issue!
Party the night away at the Rosewood Sand Hill Hotel with fabulous chef prepared foods, live music, amazing cocktails, and mingle with the Valley’s most desirable movers and shakers.
This event supports the Junior League of Palo Alto, Mid-Peninsula and will be a great way to meet like-minded people, while supporting a wonderful cause. This is not a Linx Dating event, instead Modern Luxury’s premier party of the year.
Linx will be in attendance, so please come say hi and toast to good people, positive energy, and new connections. Need a little dating advice or want to talk to me about matchmaking, just ask me there. Happy to chat discreetly.

When: Tuesday, March 5, 2019 | 6:00-8:30 pm

Where: The Rosewood Sand Hill Hotel | Menlo Park, CA, complimentary valet

Cocktail Attire, dress and look your best. Ladies bring a wrap or jacket as guests will be spilling over onto the lawn outside and the evening hours can get very chilly.

Tickets are only $85.00 and can be purchased here ⬇️:

 

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/best-of-silicon-valley-2019-tickets-57056277863

 

Event partners include:

Alexander’s Steakhouse
Blackened Whiskey
Cetrella Restaurant
La Mienne
Puesto
Sonoma Valley Wines
Stephen Silver Fine Jewelry
WhistlePig Whiskey

 

Matchmaking In a League of Our Own

When you hire Linx Dating to find the ❤️ of your life, you work directly with me, Amy Andersen. As my client, you receive my individual attention and I am involved in absolutely every aspect of the matchmaking process. What are some aspects that make Linx far superior and different compared to run-of-the-mill matchmaking firms and so called “dating services?” Here are some differentiating points that separate Linx and put Linx in a league of its own.

-Linx is discreet, does not cater to the masses, represents a very high caliber group of clientele who seek out its niche, highly reputable approach to matchmaking, and has built a stellar reputation over 15 years.

-There are many other services that claim to be exclusive and to be working with elite clients, but the reality is they are broadcasting their services in airline magazines.   Linx is the only upscale matchmaking firm not to advertise its services – we do not need to, as our client base is built via word-of-mouth referrals from happy clients and ours/their extended social and professional networks.

-Being selective in whom we admit for membership and, in return, doing an excellent job for our clients,  Linx holds itself to a higher level of ethnical business standards. Many local Bay Area and “global” businesses have gone out of business or deal with very unfortunate ramifications from bad business practices. It has never been our goal as a business to take on more clients than we can handle or to be so eager as to close business without really making sure that it is mutually synergistic. *That* is precisely where other matchmakers run into trouble. Most agencies are so focused on “closing the deal” and can come across as extremely pushy and frankly don’t really care about the actual prospect or their unique story.

-We personally vet every match in painstaking detail so that each introduction is carefully curated and worth a serious investment of your time in getting to know them. This is the antithesis of online or offline “volume dating” where you might hope to get lucky with the law of large numbers.

-Linx is extremely proud to represent many FEMALES as clients. It sounds “backwards” but the truth is that most firms don’t represent educated and dynamic women as actual clients. Linx represents many extremely bright, sophisticated, and elegant women as our clients who also have stellar academic backgrounds, for example. Should you research other firms, most firms would simply place you in their passive database with thousands of other women, rather than take you on as a fulltime client.

-We provide highly personalized service in all aspects of the experience. Linx accepts only a select number of members annually and one of the appeals is that they work with me, the founder and CEO, directly throughout the search. In addition to Linx matchmaking, we have partnerships with exclusive lifestyle and luxury international concierge agents, as well as, stylists, fitness trainers, dermatologists, plastic surgeons, domestic and estate help, and much more.

-Linx is highly responsive at all times, 24-7.  Why? Because I care. I am beyond passionate about my craft and feel extremely grateful to work with the best of the best clientele.

 

 

New Year, New Resolutions: 7 Ways to Make 2019 Your Year for Love

 

iStock_000027212743Small.jpgIf you’re ready to make 2019 a year of unforgettable connection, I want to give you the best chance of success. The road to love does involve some work; it’s more than just taking risks, it’s also about letting go of the habits that hold us back. To get your 2019 started right, follow these 7 tips to simplify and expedite your path to a meaningful, fulfilling love life.

 

  1. Ditch the lukewarm arsenal of safe bets.

If you’ve been dating, chances are you’ve met some great people but, as great as they are, just aren’t a great fit for you. If you’ve accumulated a collection of “friends” and have found yourself “staying in touch” late at night or spending all your precious free time together, it’s time to cut the cord. Every moment you spend with someone who isn’t your match prolongs the wait for the right person. Harsh? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely.

 

Example: As much as I should love having a glorious, no strings attached relationship, I’m going to try my luck at finding something serious. I want you to know that you didn’t do anything wrong; it’s just that I’m planning to try something new. Wanted to make sure you weren’t left wondering what happened.

 

  1. Let your on again, off again relationship rest in peace.

If you broke up, the relationship is, well, broken. If you have separated or called it off, and are thinking about trying again, ask yourself: “What has actuallychanged?”

Loneliness summons all types of uncomfortable feelings—like regret—while also only allowing you to see the good times and forget the reasons that led to the break-up in the first place.

 

Don’t let these lonely feelings fool you into trying again with someone you were certain wasn’t right for you or someone who was certain you weren’t right for them. The relationship isn’t right, especially at this time, so give yourself the space to grow.

 

  1. Leave the ghosts of your past where they belong: the past.

Heartbreak is a part of life. If you’ve looked for connection, you’ve experienced the pain of losing it. Spending time discussing the ghosts of relationship past will only allow them to keep haunting the future. Each time you choose to relive the happy moments of a past relationship or rant about where an ex went wrong, you resurrect a broken relationship from the dead. Give your new relationship every opportunity to thrive; keep the ghosts at bay.

 

  1. Evaluate how much you want a relationship. Align your behavior accordingly.

Just because you are single doesn’t mean you are seeking a relationship; behavior is the only true indicator of what you truly want. I say this—as obvious at it seems—because so many times people want a relationship but do not do the work to be in one. If you want to be in a relationship, get matched, say yes to new people, make a move. Do something! It might not feel good, but it will prove that you are actively pursuing your personal goals.

 

  1. Refuse to negotiate the red flags.

If you like someone, it’s easy to let the feelings of infatuation cloud better judgment. Instead of making excuses for someone else’s error, re-claim your power by making very intentional mental notes.

 

If your date, for example, is going hard on the drinks and you find yourself unimpressed or concerned, you can try one of two approaches:

 

  1. I have noticed that my date is drinking beyond what makes me comfortable. I am choosing to note this for now. If it happens again, I will choose to be with someone who makes me feel less concerned.
  2. I am uncomfortable with my date’s drinking and have decided that I want to be comfortable. I choose to move on.

 

Every time you make an excuse for someone, you are stripping away your ability to make a choice. Once you break the habit of being forced to accept to being able to choose, you will feel much more aware of your standards and much less open to people who don’t meet them.

 

  1. If the present fulfills you, don’t let the future stress you.

Have you met someone who makes you feel fantastic? Get familiar with those feelings and let yourself experience them totally! Too many times, I have seen clients sabotage happy, functional relationships in their efforts to “know where it’s going”. Sometimes, the most challenging part of a blossoming relationship is allowing it to unfold organically. If you do find yourself pushing for answers early on, consider the source of your fears and giving yourself time to sort them out before they jeopardize your next connection.

 

  1. Discover what makes you most magnetic.

Whereas people have their preferences when it comes to physical looks, no one argues with the allure of a happy person. That happy energy—the joy of genuine contentment—is universally attractive. Discovering those things that make you feel alive—cooking, hosting, fixing, building—whatever it is, will help you broadcast something special. Cultivate your own happiness and let that new energy work for you.

 

If you’re intent on making the magic happen this year, consider outsourcing some of the work to the professionals. I receive dozens of new clients who want to meet people beyond their traditional circles. Get in touch! Maybe I’ve just added your next match to my rolodex.

 

I’m sending you best wishes for happiness and love in 2019!

Warmly,
image001.jpg
Amy Andersen
Founder & CEO
Linx Dating LLC 

iStock_000013446584Small.jpg

Exclusive Linx Event November 15th

Linx is hosting a private exclusive networking mixer on November 15th in Menlo Park. Invite only and a who’s who attending from the Bay Area and Los Angeles as well.

This event has incredible sponsors involved and is about dynamic networking, conversation, and meeting like-minded professionals, many of whom are single and searching. Linx events are legendary and are not to be missed.

If you are single and would like to be considered as a guest of this cocktail party, please email Amy amy@linxdating.com