Digital Dating Detox

Dear faithful readers,

I’m re-posting a blog entry from a talented friend who’s a writer, editor, and digital consultant living in New York City named Micaela English. Micaela is a spectacular individual and just launched a website and journal (blog.) Rather than sending editors writing clips when pitching stories, she needed a one stop shop to show the work she’s most proud of. She also has so many stories that don’t get picked up and feels passionately about sharing her work with the world which you can find in her “journal” (a fancier💎 way of saying blog.) Her first story she published? …. “Why Silicon Valley’s top matchmaker (Linx Dating + Amy Alex Andersen) told me to go on a digital dating detox last summer, and how it led me to meet the loveliest human being.” So enjoy and please consider following my dating advice and perhaps you too will meet the love of your life next. XO- Amy 

The Best Piece of Advice Silicon Valley’s Top Matchmaker Gave Me? Stop Dating

Last year, I was totally and completely burnt out from dating and relationships. I had that Charlotte from SATC moment,“I’ve been dating since I was 15. I am exhausted. Where is HE?” After my last relationship with someone I was sure I had long term potential with abruptly ended, I reached a breaking point. In a desperate move, I asked for help. I wrote an email to a matchmaker I had interviewed in the past for an article, and had really clicked with. Her name is Amy Andersen of Linx Dating. Amy is not only the top matchmaker in Silicon Valley (think entrepreneurs, CEOS, and the like) but she is also insanely smart, contagiously funny, and warm. She not only responded to my e-mail right away but she also gave me the best dating advice of my life. In the spirit of SPRING FEVER, and people coming out of their winter cocoons, ready to get our there again, I want to share her advice with you no matter what stage or status you are in on your relationship journey. To the broken hearted, there is light at the end of the tunnel, take some time to celebrate and date YOU!

So what did Amy say to me when I told her I had just about had enough of the swipes, dates, pseudo-relationships, and breakups? She said I needed a complete and total digital dating detox. A digital dating detox? What is that? Amy explained in tech terms, “It’s about getting off the spinning hamster wheel going nowhere and removing the digital noise and distractions from your life. It’s a “reboot” of yourself and a defragmentation of your internal hard drive. Or in Silicon Valley lingo, it’s a CTRL + SHIFT + ESC. Like a computer that’s a few years old and running slow, you might not feel as if you are mentally as agile and optimistic as you used to be. With a computer, it’s likely that you have stored cache, installed apps by accident, have a million old e-mail downloads that are hogging memory, and have a ton of junk on your desktop. My digital dating detox is a personal “clean up” program created to empower anyone who has experienced dating fatigue. The goal is to make you stop feeling burned out and give yourself a necessary break and reboot.” Does that click with you? Keep reading.

1. Invest in yourself and Delete.The.Apps.

First things first. Delete the apps. Amy told me to delete every single one of them for a few months, which I did. To be honest, I was super anxious about it, they were my security blankets to getting dates, but not having alerts and “homework” swiping as part of my daily routine was truly one of the most liberating things I’ve ever done. Amy’s philosophy? “Invest in “YOU time” until you can look forward to it again. My most important advice is to take a well-deserved break and get off all apps, online, and just focus on making a personal investment in yourself. Get in the best mindset and health, and do things that make you genuinely happy.”

2. Surround yourself with like-minded, positive people who are doing cool things in their lives.

As Jim Rohn said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” I truly believe this. Living in New York City, there are so many choices, invitations, and “we need to catch ups.” In order to stay overall positive and healthy during my experiment I chose to spend my time with people that genuinely felt good to hang out with, inspired, and supported me. It was as simple as that. I still truly believe this, I love seeing people, I’m sure you do too.

3. Start spending your time doing things that YOU want to do instead of what others want you to do or what society says you should do.

This one really resonated with me. My calendar was so often filled with things “I needed to do”. Dates were scheduled like workouts. It was exhausting. I decided to throw that all out the window. If everyone was going away for Memorial Day weekend and there were invites to travel, but I didn’t want to. I didn’t. I spent it going to the spa and doing things that felt good for me. I listened to my mind and body and took my emotional temperature of what I was open to doing, one day at a time.

4. Try and do new things out of your comfort zone.

Amy suggested that I “Think about the “types” of people you would like to meet and center yourself in those environments. If you have always wanted to learn rock climbing and find men who do this to be incredibly attractive now is your time to take indoor rock climbing lessons after work .” Doing these new things will also prove to yourself that you are constantly growing and doing new things. It’s a win/win!

5. Stay open. Stay kind.

This point really hit home with me. I used to feel frustrated after an unsuccessful date and like it was a waste of time but Amy made a really good point to me. “You never know whom you are going to meet. Even if he/she is not the one for you , he/she might have a friend who ends up being your match. Be kind and compassionate to your date with the goal of sending out positive energy and good karma. Although you and your date might agree that there is not chemistry between you, maybe he/she will extend an invite to a BBQ to meet some of his single friends. It is precisely at this even that you could meet the true love of your life. Lesson, don’t burn bridges or play games. Remember any single person is in the same boat as you and probably doesn’t actually enjoy dating just for the sake of dating- much like you!” Be kind, it will never hurt you in the long run.

6. Ask people around you if they know anyone for you?

The good old friends of friends approach. Amy says to, “Tell your trusted network of friends and family that you are taking a 2-6 month digital detox and are going to “old school” it for the time being. That you are excited at the possibilities and put it out there that you’d love to be considered for any set-ups if they have a single friend in mind. Have a sound bite ready for your approach with anyone you are talking to….”I came out of a relationship a few months ago and I’ve checked out some of the dating apps but truthfully it’s challenging from a time and lack of vetting perspective. That’s why I was hoping to get out there and just meet people a little more organically, like you.”

6. STAY POSITIVE and don’t overthink all of this.

And Amy’s most important advice of all, “The energy you radiate is what’s given back to you.” Hell yes. “Additionally, you have to enjoy being in the moment and letting go of concerns or any negative messages or doubts. When you are literally having fun and carrying on with a giant smile and a “I don’t really give a flying f*ck” attitude because I am happy THAT is exactly the energy people want to be around. You’ve reached a much more enlightened point and have shifted your energy from tired and frustrated to “light, easy, and breezy.” You’re radiating a confidence and certain je ne sais quoi that many people wish they had.”

So what happened to me, after my digital dating detox? I fell in love with myself again. And with being in love with myself, I felt this magical aura around me once I “got back out there” I went on my first Hinge date after no dating for a few months and there he was, the healthy partner I manifested while taking time to be the healthiest version of myself.

For more information on Amy Andersen, linxdating.com

‘Tis the Season…

I recently went to Filoli estate in Woodside to their annual Holiday Traditions event to enjoy all of the decorated trees and stunning decor. Filoli is rich in history and is able to thrive from all of the loyal volunteers who run it.

This year, Holiday Traditions theme is “La saison d’ élégance,” — Season of Elegance. Inside the historic mansion, my mom and I got to enjoy all of the beautifully adorned Christmas trees, swags, and wreaths everywhere. Enjoy a collection of some of my favorite glimpses into the season of elegance…perhaps inspiration for your holiday decorating this year or next.
Walls decorated in a separate building near the cafe on the property Grand staircase in the main foyer of the estate. I love how the swag picks up the colors from the tapestry. Up close, details from the swag. So pretty! How can you not love this fireplace accented with the simplicity of white hydrangeas? All that’s gold is glittery and glitzy Ballroom in the estate, stage ready for musicians… There were many pink accents at this years event. This tree is no exception with lots of gold and pink ornaments gracing it I absolutely LOVE this fireplace lined with dried colorful hydrangeas to perfectly match the wall tapestry. It is so elegant and absolutely breathtaking. Did I mention that most everything is for sale at Holiday Traditions? When you enter, you are given a shopping bag and can take any ornament you desire off *most* of the trees or get your hands on a variety of holiday decor in baskets all throughout the marketplace. Yet another beautifully decorated tree! Up close…no ornament should be too big or small. As you can see on this grand tree, 12 inch bird cages are nestled into it for this particular bird, feather, and hunting themed tree. These little trees for purchase are studded with hundreds of vintage pins, brooches, buttons, and other accents. This would actually be a fun DIY project on a rainy weekend. In fact, you could start collecting random vintage buttons and pins throughout the year (eBay, garage sales, estate sales, or even your closet might have some treasures) and then head to a place like Michael’s to buy a styrofoam cone and a hot glue gun and have at it! These vintage brooch trees for purchase were in the $600 (+) range so imagine how fun and more economical it could be to do it yourself! icicles dripping from wooded arches in one of the hallways- gorgeous! Such a pretty table…all dishes, flatwear, and decor available for purchase Another option for DIY for your home and/or holiday hostess gifts. Filoli formal gardens in the winter are as equally gorgeous this time of year as they are in the Spring. I love all of the moss on this showy crabapple tree (malus floribunda)

eComm 101

Written by: Linx staff Michael Norman

The past week has involved a lot of conversations about how people communicate while dating, and nearly all of those conversations have been about some form of frustration with hearing – and not hearing – from a date. Amy and I have heard complaints about frequency (both too much and too little) concerns about content (both too formal and too familiar) and timing (as in “Isn’t this a little too soon?” and also “Who sends a text at that hour?”) A good friend of mine insists that if you’re seeing someone who’s really into you, there’s no wrong way or bad time to contact a love interest, but given my own recent frustrations with a Poor Communicator, I’d have to disagree. Since the object of my affection is currently bedridden on the East coast in a fin de siècle-style typhoon of influenza, salmonella, and some other viral/bacterial pestilence that is likely the result of too much time spent in airplanes and not enough time spent asleep, I’m letting him off the hook for now. But for everyone else, here’s a refresher on communicating in a mobile and hyperconnected age… sometimes it’s still hard for me to believe that as a teenager, I actually had to be in my bedroom in order for someone to call me.

Control Your Text Drive….

Text is, by far, the easiest form of communication to abuse. It is also, unfortunately, one of the most dangerous. No matter how many emoticons you throw at your date, text messages are meant to be brief, and that brevity tends to make it very hard to understand any suggestion of tone or nuance contained therein. So don’t assume any particular tone or nuance was properly conveyed. Between people who hardly know each other (in other words, with someone you’re newly dating) texts should really only be used to convey facts. You should only use a text to send an address, to let someone know you’re running late, to convey a change in plans, etc. You should use a text to tell someone you’re standing outside, to tell him you’ve claimed a table at the bar, or to let her know your flight just landed. But use text messages sparingly when dating, and only use them to convey information that cannot be misunderstood. If you absolutely must use texts to say something other than “I’m wearing a blue sweater, gray plaid pants, and Prada loafers,” limit yourself to “I had a really great time last night and I can’t wait to see you again.” A text to someone new shouldn’t include words like “sometime”, “possibly” or “maybe.” Ever.

Know Your Audience…

Some people love attention; they crave daily texts and phone calls. Some women love it when a guy showers them with text messages, and calls them “Baby” or “Sweetie” after a first date, and some men consider any contact at all between dates to be unnecessary and superfluous… and never the twain shall meet. Most of us are right in the middle, but regardless of where we stand, we all tend to assume that our dates should feel the same way that we do; after all, how could our own stance be anything but reasonable, and assuming we are attracted to reasonable people, should they not feel exactly the same way about how to communicate? It turns that’s not always the case.

When I look at my own relationship, for example, I know that Mr. Poor Communicator literally buries his head in work, spends more than 100 hours a week on his company, and often falls asleep on his couch in positions that are doing permanently bad things to his neck. When we see each other, he is fully focused on being with me, and does an excellent job of blocking out the rest of the world. But when we’re not together, I become a victim of that very same focus. For him, taking the time to call or even text me is just a distraction from the work he needs to finish in order for us to actually be together in person. What he doesn’t understand (because really, when do you bring something like this up?) is that I’m an only child, and my mother used to punish me with days on end of silent treatment, so when I don’t hear from someone I care about – no matter how well I might be able to grasp the underlying intellectual rationale for that silence – I eventually start to feel like I’ve done something wrong or disappointed them. Obviously, it’s important that I figure out a way to convey to him some portion of this.

If you’re in a new relationship or feel like there’s a disconnect in the communication style in your current one, this can be a really important thing to address. And it’s really critical to focus on how you feel, rather than to try to place blame or cast yourself as a victim. For example, I can explain to my guy that “When I don’t hear from someone I care about for a long period of time, I start to worry that I have offended or disappointed that person,” or I can say, “When you ignore me, you make me feel bad about myself.” One of those is likely to elicit an empathetic response and lead to a compromise that deepens the relationship, while the other could just as easily lead to a breakup. Since I don’t want a breakup, it’s really important that I focus on my feelings and my experience and that I give him the chance to be empathetic. If you would also like a compromise and a healthy change in your relationship, then you should give your companion the chance to understand your experience, too.

If you have the opposite problem of hearing from someone too frequently, you can take the approach of saying “I really like you. In the past, I had the tendency to move way too quickly in relationships, and it’s important for me to move slowly. I’m comfortable texting a couple of times a week at this point. That obviously will change as we get to know each other better.” Too often, we tell people what’s “wrong” with their behavior instead of simply expressing to them our needs, expectations, or boundaries. The truth is that there’s usually nothing “wrong” with their behavior; but that doesn’t mean it’s right for us. So have the conversation about what works best for you. Get to know your audience; I hope to be following my own advice as soon as he regains the 9 pounds he lost last week and can actually get on a plane again.

Work on Your Timing…

With travel and time zones playing such big roles in everyone’s lives, it’s really important to pay attention to where you are on the map… and to how far away your love interest happens to be. While you may be counting the days or hours until you can see him or her again, you should also really be counting the hours (on the clock) that separate you. If you leave the country, know what time it is before you text someone; there is nothing more frustrating that getting a 4am “Just saying hey from Seoul” text message, especially if your job requires that you leave your phone on overnight because someone’s life might depend on it. Be respectful of the life and career of the person you’re dating. We all know that traveling for work brings with it a tremendous amount of loneliness and boredom, but you want to be sure that you’re met by excitement – rather than frustration – when you return. An occasional mistake is bound to happen if you’re an avid texter, but if you do regular long haul travel for work, trade in your texts for emails. But if you’re somehow restricted to your phone and you still insist on texting, you can keep yourself out of trouble by sending all of those texts to… an email address.

With so communication tools at our disposal, it can be hard to know the right tool to use in the right way with the right man or woman, so it’s important to use the oldest tools at our disposal – our mouths and ears – and actually ask about these topics in person when we have the chance. It turns out that in a wired (and increasingly wireless) world, that we’re all wired a little bit differently, so don’t assume that you and your date are automatically going to operate on the same wavelength. Dating is about getting to know someone, and that requires communicating, so you should actually be motivated to figure out the most efficient way to do it. In fact… the sooner you figure out the best way to communicate, the sooner you can start building a real relationship.

The Secrets Of Silicon Valley’s Dating Scene

BuzzFeed contacted me to introduce the journalist to a few of our clients who were willing to talk anonymously about the Silicon Valley dating scene. Here is what one young attorney in the Silicon Valley had to say….

There is saying amongst women trying to date in Silicon Valley: The odds are good, but the goods are odd. There are tons of guys, but they tend to be socially awkward, career-obsessed, and prone to a Peter Pan mentality.

What’s it like to try to find love in the Valley? This lawyer, in her early thirties and living in the heart of Silicon Valley, has tried everything: online dating, going to clubs, and even Linx Dating, a high-end Valley matchmaking service. On the condition of anonymity she agreed to tell all.

They call it “Man Jose,” and it is so true.

If you are even an average or above average female, finding a date isn’t an issue. You have a lot of guys you can go on dates with, but what makes it difficult is finding a viable partner. Most of the men went to Ivy League schools, are ambitious, and came out here because it’s the mecca of the tech world. There’s a great mix of guys from all over world, and there are interesting types of people to meet. That said, not a lot of them are viable. And the men that are viable know it.

A lot of them are socially awkward. They are extremely smart and logical and think, “I can apply that to a relationship and be rational and logical and that will work.” They don’t realize that as women, we can be emotional — a lot of guys don’t have tolerance for that.

A lot of people in the Valley have started meeting people through salsa dancing — it’s really big — and so much social awkwardness comes up. I don’t think a lot of guys even interact with women on a consistent basis. You dance with them and some actually shake. They can’t look you in the eye. They act like, “Oh my goodness, there is a woman who I’m touching.” They get super nervous. It makes it difficult to date someone who doesn’t even know how to act in a social context; it’s just frustrating.

I went on a date with a 25-year-old who told me in the beginning, “You are the second person I’ve ever gone on a date with. Ever.”

It was the worst date. It was clear he had never dated. He told me all these things that you wouldn’t ever disclose on a first date. It almost felt like an awkward high school setup; we met at this yogurt place. And that’s another thing — it’s not really typical to go on formal dates. Everyone does coffee for the first date. In other parts of the country, going to dinner is pretty standard; here, when a guy mentions dinner for a first date, it’s like, wow — that is shocking! Most people in the tech industry are very laid-back and don’t have a lot of time. The mentality is, “Am I going to invest in this or do sort of a pre-date?”

On dates, guys wear flip-flops, shorts, and jeans. It’s what they wear to work, so they think it translates to date attire — just wearing their scrubby clothes. I wear dresses when I met these guys. They don’t put in that effort.

Guys who are successful, who dress up, are good-looking, and who aren’t socially awkward are a rare breed. And they know it. They have a ton of choices. They’re the type that’s always looking for a better option. There are some like that in Silicon Valley, but I find a lot in San Francisco. I’ve been on dates with guys you would say are the “whole package,” and while they’re with you they literally look at other women as they walk away.

Guys in Silicon Valley spend lot of time on their career and don’t have time to devote to relationships. I’m a lawyer and I work a lot too; most tech guys I meet put in as many or more hours as I do. Sometimes when they have a deadline or are pushing out a product, for instance, they put in 90 hours. They typically say they would live at work if they could. A lot of big tech companies, like Google and LinkedIn, make it conducive to these guys spending every minute of their time there, with great perks like food and showers and the like.

The companies where they work promote a bubble mentality. There is an immaturity level that prevails — like they are trying to promote the idea that they are still in college. At Google they have Nerf gun wars. At work, their food is provided for them and they can, essentially, act like they are still in college. A lot of guys, even in their twenties and early thirties, have roommates even though they are making well over $100,000 a year. It makes it difficult to have a serious relationship.

There are two groups of guys. A lot of them are 23 to 28. They are into their career, and most are quite immature. And then there are a ton of early-forties guys who never married. They have waited and were starting companies and then they hit their forties and realized,”Now I’m ready to get married and have kids.”

These groups are the only two we get hit on by. Where are the early-thirties guys? We can’t figure it out. We don’t know where they hang out or what they do. Especially online, if a guy in his mid-thirties messages me, it’s a rarity. My friends and I are done dating anyone not in their thirties, and we don’t know where these guys are.

I’ve heard that San Francisco is known to be the number one city for gold diggers, but I haven’t observed that at all. It isn’t realistic, because if you live in this area you have to be able to make quite a bit of money — it’s very expensive. It’s actually the other way around: There are definitely very accomplished older professional women here. Older women are just picking up the 28-year-olds because they can. It is totally cougar central, and it’s hilarious.

Everywhere I go, it’s 23- and 24-year-olds. I’ll say, “You’re too young for me. It won’t work,” and they tell me, “I’ve dated older women, and it is so much better.” It’s pretty common. They’ll latch on to us, and they think, she’ll take care of me. They’re being taken care of at work, so why not be in a relationship where they’re taken care of too?

It’s so comical — to the point where when I go out, the first question is, “How old are you?” These younger guys try to persuade you that they really are mature, but they’re not. Some of them just latch on and are very persistent. It’s flattering, sure, but at the same time, it just doesn’t work.

A lot of guys have the mentality that they’ll wait and they’ll find the perfect woman. They don’t realize that relationships aren’t about perfection. At work, it’s all black and white. They say they love their job because it’s about fixing a problem and there is always a solution. They don’t realize that this isn’t how it works in real life.

Written by : Justine Sharrock for BuzzFeed

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