Testimonial from 40-something female in Silicon Valley
“This review is long overdue! I met with Amy when I submitted my details on linx expressing interest in one of her VIP clients. She reached out to me shortly and we went through a few phone conversations and a video screen. All through out the process, she stayed in touch with me providing me updates in a timely manner and was extremely friendly and approachable.
She even gave me her contact # and asked me to reach out at any time if I had any questions regarding the date or after the date. I have been on multiple dates with her client and have been pleasantly happy with the experience.
Inspite of me not being a paid client of hers, the amount of attention and detail she provided was above and beyond what I have experienced being a paid client with another matchmaker!
I can only imagine what it must be like to be her client. I can see why she has a good reputation based on my interactions with her!
Highly recommend her if you are looking to find a quality match!”
Although matchmaking has been my profession and one of my greatest passions for the last 18 years, I have many other interests, and residential real estate is one of them… I love driving and walking around and noting homes that are for sale and, more so pre-COVID 19, touring open homes. I believe deeply in serendipity – random discoveries on Sunday open home drives have led to my two home purchases. There was clearly luck involved, but had I not put myself out there to get lucky, I would not have had the chance to get lucky.
Please humor me today as I engage in some residential real estate comparisons to shed some light on what I do at Linx Dating. Please forgive any simplification in my analogies – I am simply trying to make a few broad points.
In the old days pre-internet, as a prospective home buyer, you generally relied on a broker to do even the very basics of your search, unless you were willing to settle for driving through neighborhoods looking for “for sale” signs or perusing the Sunday local newspaper real estate section. A good broker would get to know you and your needs, would generate a list of potential properties to view from a listing service which was not easily accessed by non-brokers, and take you around to open homes and private tours until hopefully you found what you were looking for. They would then generate paperwork to help you complete the various phases of the transaction, along with your bank if you were obtaining a mortgage, and then earn a brokerage fee calculated as a percentage of the sale price of the home.
The question is, why, in the age of the publicly available and online multiple listing service and seemingly endless choices of secondary apps and services such as Zillow or Redfin, do we still need real estate brokers? They basically do what they used to do.
It’s a fair point. Why should an agent, today, earn 2.5% for creating a list for you that looks like the MLS list and auto-generating paperwork from a repository of documents using “find and replace?” Yes, they can get you into a home during non-open home times, etc. etc. But what distinguishes them? And why, somehow, in light of this, do only 7-10% of homes get listed directly by sellers, meaning they are not using a broker? There has to be more going on.
The parallels to dating are noteworthy. Why invest in a personalized concierge matchmaker when there is Match.com, Tinder and all of the countless others available like the MLS?
Well, this is where it gets complex.
Are all of the available home properties on the MLS? Many are, for sure. But some of the best properties are “pocket listings,” “off-market listings,” or might never even make it to any listing. A good broker has a strong local network and can hear about properties that might be coming on the market in the future, or even owners who might be worth proactively approaching about selling their homes. You don’t get this on Zillow. A great broker is worth their weight in gold – certainly 2.5%.
In the dating world, not all of the great “catches” are on the apps. Why? Maybe they are just uncomfortable with putting themselves out there publicly and they value their anonymity and privacy. Maybe they don’t have the time or energy to invest in volume dating – to cycle through all of the prospects, messages, phone calls, texts, zooms, coffees, drinks, dinners and all of the rest. Or maybe even if they *are* on the apps, their profiles are hidden or they are burned out on the games. Or maybe they are *thinking* about trying online but haven’t yet.
At Linx Dating, we are discreet, we protect your privacy, and we tap our existing massive vetted and trusted network of referrals to find your match whether they are online or not. We can also do highly tailored outbound recruiting on your behalf and come with a stamp of credibility for the “buyer” and the “seller.”
All of this aside, I still haven’t touched on what might be the most important function of a broker – something that for me can be the most frustrating and yet most fulfilling part of my job – and that is working to be a bridge builder, confidante, and psychologist to both candidates at the same time, nurturing the “transaction” and serving to smooth the lines of communication so that a potentially great long term match is not permanently impaired by some early turbulence, miscommunications, and reluctance for candidates to give each other the benefit of the doubt early in a relationship.
I know this is true in dating – and I am told it’s true in residential real estate. There are so many pitfalls that can derail a home purchase – problems with bank mortgage approval, a housing inspection gone awry, weird neighbors, or just the raw emotions of buying or selling a home. This is where a seasoned broker with not only domain experience, but the right personality, can make a huge difference in closing a transaction that otherwise might have headed into the large abyss of the majority of deals that never get done.
I spend a large chunk of my day walking through my neighborhood with my Apple airpods cranked up, accumulating miles and steps and getting my exercise, as I talk to multiple clients, hearing how their early dates and communications with their matches are going, offering a listening ear, advice if needed or requested, and, on occasion, direct intervention if I feel it is warranted and can be helpful.
In the earliest stages of any relationship, when two people are just getting to know each other and to build trust, differences and misunderstandings can get completely blown out of proportion when emotions run high, and they can sink what could ultimately be a beautiful relationship. It is often my job to steady the ship, to communicate with both people, and to help them see the big picture. This can be as basic as my helping folks interpret signals from each other, or as in depth as providing “color” to both people if they might not initially be willing to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.
Just one recent example comes to mind – I was recently working with a successful 30-something male entrepreneur who had already successfully sold a company and had matched him to a 20-something female entrepreneur who was raising one of her first rounds of financing for her startup. They clearly clicked, had chemistry, and long-term relationship potential. However, a few of the dinners crossed over into business talk and, before you know it, he was giving her stern advice about the mistakes he thought she was making in her business and she, in turn, felt lectured, and that he was condescending, unempathetic in his inability to understand that she might not have the resources to follow his advice. She was deeply hurt and needed to take a break. He did not understand where he could have gone wrong as he was truly trying to help. Enter Amy, as I tried to help them both individually understand how they could listen to each other and save something that could be really special and I am glad to say they are back on track.
I am not here to deny that homes can be bought and sold without a broker, or even that some home transactions use a broker who still basically only does what is available online with a little looking. Similarly, online dating absolutely can work – with some luck and perseverance, there have been countless happy couples that have emerged from the apps.
But I am a believer in economics and survival of the fittest – ultimately, brokers need to justify their worth if they want their 2.5%. This goes for residential real estate and elite matchmaking.
We are thrilled to announce a new search for a woman residing in Los Angeles, CA. This client is open to relocation and ready for love! She is a smart, beautiful, strong, sexy, playful, and sophisticated 37-year-old woman, 5’4” with long blonde hair and soulful hazel eyes. She credits her athletic physique to an active lifestyle, including daily exercise, indoors and out. She has a jeans and t-shirt vibe by day, and a more feminine and sophisticated one by night: She prefers pants to dresses, and a natural look when it comes to makeup. Less is more. She has a smile that will light up any room, and her best friend from childhood says she loved to steal her drinks because “she always left a bit of sunshine behind in them.”
She grew up with horses, skiing/snowboarding with her family in Aspen in winters and going on their boat in the Mediterranean in summers. Morning routines are important to her; beginning on the right note allows her to feel awesome for the rest of the day. She loves hiking with her dogs, meditating, running, reading great books and playing guitar. She became certified as a yoga teacher just to deepen her own practice. She doesn’t teach professionally but will instruct her friends just for the pleasure of making them feel good. Some of her best times are spent with her dearest pals at her family’s spot in Malibu or their ranch in Ojai.
A graduate of an Ivy League school, she majored in history of art and architecture, while minoring in public and private sector organizations. She considers herself a student of life, for life, and is blessed with an insatiable curiosity. While living in New York, her womenswear design won her acclaim in top fashion magazines.
At 30, she shifted gears professionally, and pursued a new career in LA focusing on her principal passion: making the world a better place for animals. As a lifelong photographer, and a subject in numerous magazine photos herself, she knew that the quickest way to shift people’s perspectives was through that of media. She enrolled in an intensive directing program at a prominent LA film school, where she wrote, produced, and directed her first short film.
Although she is ambitious and driven in her goals, and appreciates those qualities in a partner, she believes that true happiness requires a balance, making her relationships a priority. Her perfect date would include witty banter, lots of laughter, and the full presence of both people. She melts at displays of thoughtfulness.
As a passionate animal advocate working predominantly with one of the largest non-profit organizations over the past 10 years, she’s also partnered with them in co-founding their next generation board and sits on the organization’s California state council, helping to drive legislative change.
Her favorite night is at home, a glass of wine and cooking with loved ones, hanging out by a fire with great music and the dogs. She cares about wellness, and considers herself 85% plant based. If you’re not, that’s ok. “You do you”.
This woman is genuine, loyal, caring, and emotionally intelligent and looking for someone who is evolved and has done the hard personal work of getting to know themselves, or at least has a desire to. She values family and wants to have kids in the next few years. For now, she has dogs for company. The last was a surprise. While volunteering at an elephant sanctuary in Thailand, she rescued a dog for her mom. But after a year, her mother found she couldn’t take care of it, so this client took the pooch in herself – not a surprise to anyone who knows this big-hearted woman.
Her best suited match is between the ages of 30 and 49 years old. He is tall, athletic, fit, and with a great smile. He is considerate and thoughtful about others. He recognizes that while our client is a strong woman, she prefers him to be in the driver’s seat. She always has been curious about everything in life. Therefore, it’s important for her to be with a man who appreciates her innate wonder about the world. He inspires her and even sometimes fuels creative ideas that she would not have had otherwise.
His confidence and wherewithal to be an equal partner to her, will allow her to be the best version of who she is (playful, loving, and in her feminine flow), as she respects him (since she feels heard and loved by him). He is a man who dreams big and takes action, who likes intellectual conversations, just as much as silly banter, and ultimately one who might consider himself an old-fashioned romantic at heart.
Her best suited match also lives his life with purpose and knows what is important to him in this one life. He’s passionate, playful, smart, and equally charming. Outside of his career that he feels proud of and self-made from, he’s a lover of the outdoors, nature, and keeping his body healthy and active! Traveling, reading, cooking, nurturing friendships, and a love of animals are all bonuses for our client. Most importantly, he looks forward to having a family one day and the joys associated with monogamy and child rearing.
If you or anyone you might know could qualify as a candidate to meet this extraordinary and beautiful VIP, please submit your information here. There are NO fees for qualified candidates to meet our client.
With the holidays just around the corner, this can be a great time to meet someone new. Here are some ideas for getting through the holiday season in good cheer, and maybe even building some relationships (romantic or otherwise) along the way.
Host a “Misfit” Thanksgiving…
If you don’t already have plans for the holiday, ask around in your circle of friends or even post to Facebook; you’ll probably find that you’re not alone. If you’re not a great cook, you have plenty of options that could still make you a great host or hostess. Plenty of restaurants and grocers (like Draeger’s and Whole Foods) offer complete or a la carte solutions for Thanksgiving dinner. You may find that one or more of your guests is a great home chef, so give them the opportunity to bring dishes (or just encourage them to bring wine or desserts) and fill your home with new friends and holiday cheer. Speaking from personal experience, this can be a truly wonderful way to spend a holiday, and can be much more intimate and fulfilling than you might expect.
Take Yourself Out to Dinner…
If spending the day alone is inevitable, and you know you know that staying inside all day isn’t good for you, make a reservation for yourself at one of the many, many SF restaurants that will be serving dinner this Thanksgiving. Some of the restaurants promising to give you reasons to be thankful this year include Spruce, Epic Roasthouse, Campton Place, and One Market, so odds are that you’ll be experiencing plain pilgrim fare taken to an entirely new level. You might also want to stop into a great bar or lounge for an after dinner drink and some great conversation; you won’t be the only person spending the day without family, and you definitely won’t be the only person open to connecting with someone new.
Lend a Helping Hand…
For some people, volunteering on Thanksgiving is a tradition unto itself, and the Bay area is full of opportunities for helping out. At Linx, we always think that volunteering is a great way to meet someone (who doesn’t like dating a man or woman with a heart of gold?) and the single person you’d meet volunteering on Thanksgiving will be just as impressed with you as you are with her or him. Even if scoring a date isn’t the first thing on your mind that day, it’s not a bad consolation prize for being a good citizen. 😉
You could also contact your local church or food bank or even a retirement center for more ideas; lots of people would love company this holiday season, and not all of them have the option of leaving their homes.
Relax and Reflect…
There’s nothing wrong with just taking the day to yourself and doing nothing at all. You don’t have to leave the house. You don’t have to eat turkey. You certainly don’t have to eat pumpkin pie. Eat sushi like me! You could stay in, do laundry, sort piles of receipts, and downshift from everything going on in your life.
You could take the day to really think about your life, and examine all of the reasons you have to be thankful. It would be very easy to focus on being alone, and to fixate on what you consider the missing pieces in your life, but it’s so much more valuable to take an inventory of what’s right in your world.
Most of us are drawn to positive, optimistic people, and the best way to be positive is to really be aware of the gifts in your life; you probably have many. And you probably know what most of them are. Don’t be afraid to make a list, and check it twice. Christmas, after all, is just around the corner. 😉
Our bachelor is a sensitive but masculine 43-year old Silicon Valley financial professional standing 5’9” with a sinewy build, brown hair, hazel eyes behind his stylish spectacles, and a bright ready smile.
Your handsome widower and father of three cultivates his mental and physical health with daily meditation and high intensity interval training. He enjoys a four-season lifestyle, taking the kids to Squaw and Stratton during the winter, playing scratch golf during the spring and summer, and enjoying the outdoors and college football in the fall.
His travel footprint includes New England for summers and the holidays, with the occasional sprinkling of Europe and South America to maintain his fluent Spanish and conversational French and Italian.
His style is his own, incorporating everything from bowties (yes he ties them without a mirror) to sneakers. Your gentleman is as comfortable in a black tie as he is in khakis and a pullover, all with a well-tailored fit.
His years of marriage and fatherhood have produced ample domestic skills, he’s comfortable wearing an apron and hosting elegant dinner parties, as well as the resilience, patience and love that comes from nursing a spouse through cancer and his children through the aftermath.
With bachelor’s and law degrees from two top public universities, this former Wall Streeter and corporate lawyer has plenty to say about economics, politics, life and love. But behind his buttoned-up exterior lies a beautiful and generous soul, full of kindness and gratitude.
Our client’s best suited match is between the ages of 38-55 years old, Caucasian, and
physically fit. Historically our client has been drawn to brunettes but he’s very open.
What’s critical is this match possess the following characteristics: stable, spiritual,
consistent, driven in her career, emotionally intelligent, fun loving, and a good role
Our bachelor loves a woman who is a total boss lady at work – he finds that to be an
aphrodisiac and extremely appealing. If you are single and searching for the love of your life, email us at: firstname.lastname@example.org
You’ve poured your life into building your business. Long hours, lack of sleep, endless meetings have been your priority and, now, your time and dedication has paid off—your company is going public.
And, just like that, your social presence grows overnight. You’re inundated with speaking requests. You’re also inundated with a lot of romantic interest.
I’ve met several executives eager to re-prioritize their personal goals in the wake of an IPO. I’ve seen them struggle to find the right person—or even just a legitimate date—after coming into wealth and extra publicity. Ironically, for these clients, I’ve seen the dating space morph into a minefield of sorts.
How do you know if your next date is dating you for the right reasons?
How can you be sure that your private dating life stays private?
How will you know where to find the most eligible singles?
Just as you would hire a personal trainer to get fit or an accountant to organize your finances, I’ve been hired countless times to help extremely discerning clientele find their next partner.
To help my clients understand what they want in their next relationship and how to get it, I compare the process for finding the right partner to building a business.
What problem are you trying to solve?
Perhaps you’re trying to remedy loneliness or are interested in building partnership. Maybe you’d like to “feel alive” with no strings attached, or you’re finally thinking it’s time to start a family. Most successful products and businesses are created to solve a specific problem—what’s yours?
Not sure where to start?
Envision your future. In five years, what kind of life do you envision? Where are you living? What are you doing? What would your mother say about you? How would your best friend describe you? Write it down.
Set realistic expectations about the process.
What steps will you take in the short term to help meet your goals? Clients tend to be clear on their goals, but they can get a little lost on the game plan.
Some questions to ask yourself:
How much time do you plan to carve out per week to devote to your dating life?
How will you meet new people?
How will you date? Casual introductions over wine? Grand romantic gestures?
The qualities you look for may change during the dating process. Be open to the process and be prepared to adjust your ideas accordingly. Whereas it’s perfectly natural to have preferences (don’t we all?), you might find that your more urgent needs are satisfied by someone without the specific packaging.
Tip: Compromise on the packaging, never the standards.
Hire your Weaknesses.
The demands of growing an empire may have distracted you from fine tuning your dating skills. Constant travel and other obligations may have limited your interactions to people in your professional network. Instead of trying to solve every problem at once, heed the words of billionaire Spanx founder Sara Blakely and “hire your weaknesses.”
Find the person you can trust; the person who has demonstrated enough experience in the realm of long-term relationships to help you make the best decision of your life. In the wake of money, media attention, and limited time, an extra pair of eyes, ears, and vetting could pay a lifetime of dividends.
With over a decades’ worth of experience serving high-profile clientele, I’m privy to the unique demands and sensitivities involved in the search for partnership. If you’re ready to hand off the reins to Silicon Valley’s leading matchmaker, get in touch.
After sharing love and a life together, severing all contact with an ex sounds like a harsh outcome to say the least, but is maintaining ties with an ex worthwhile? Traditional advice seems to support “clean breaks” and “moving on”, but is there something to be said for pursing friendship in lieu of separation?
Is friendship with an ex even possible?
According to The Journal of Social Psychology, friendship after a breakup is more likely if you and your ex were friends prior to the relationship.; the transition is easier if both parties have experience in the platonic realm. Conversely, if sparks flew shortly after meeting, you stand to endure more pain and awkwardness as the romance falls away.
The nature of the breakup will also impact the opportunity for friendship. Naturally, break ups that included heated endings—arguments, cheating, or any sort of perceived hostility—jeopardize chances of friendship. However, if the dumper used “de-escalation” tactics—or slowly started pulling away, the ex-partner has time to adjust and consider an alternative dynamic.
Why stay friends?
If you do decide to remain friends, have an honest conversation with yourself about your motivations. According to a research study published in the Journal of Personality and Individual Differences, your desire to remain friends after the relationship probably falls under one of the following reasons:
Reliability/sentimentality: your ex “gets you” and you can count on him or her to have your back.
Pragmatism: your ex makes your life easier. Your ex has resources you want—connections to business prospects, money, or skills you need.
Continued romantic attraction: You’re still in love.
Children and shared resources: Joint loans, kids, mortgages, etc. are obligations that make severing contact difficult if not impossible.
Diminished romantic attraction: Although the passion has waned, you still share an emotional connection.
Social relationship maintenance:You have similar friend groups or family friends.
Sexual access: Maintaining enough connectivity to ensure sexual opportunities or, simply, a friends with benefits situation.
Although reliability was the prevailing reason for friendship among both women and men, men were more likely to rate pragmatism and sexual access higher than women.
If you are pushing for friendship, be sure it’s friendship you’re actually looking for. To get your answer, ask yourself the following:
Are you scared to lose support, advice, and comfort?
Are you trying to avoid grief?
Do you want the benefits of partnership (i.e. sex) without a formalized commitment?
If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions, you might be more interested in filling a void than pursuing a true friendship. If you find yourself pursuing contact for these reasons, the pain and stress of the breakup are probably encouraging some unhealthy rollercoaster emotions.
Using friendship as a crutch while your relationship dies will prolong the agony of heartbreak. The sooner you cut ties and take time for yourself—on your own—the sooner you may have an opportunity to pursue friendship.
What does creating space for friendship with an ex look like?
Firstly—and this may sound dramatic—defriend your ex on Facebook. According to research that appears in the Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, monitoring an ex on Facebook “exacerbates feelings of distress…and increases feelings of sexual desire and longing for an ex partner.” Although people who de-friended exes still experienced some setbacks in personal growth during their breakup, ultimately they reported less negative feelings than their stalker counterparts.
Instead of focusing on the friendship with an ex, you might find more value in revisiting your platonic relationships. The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships revealed that cross-sex friends who have always been platonic offer more satisfaction than cross-sex friends who have been lovers. Without sexual attraction or a need to get more serious, platonic friends share a pure connection.
Regardless of what you decide, give yourself—and your ex—and opportunity to adjust to the being single. If you do decide to pursue friendship, realize that the strong emotional connection you continue to share could complicate—at best—or preclude—at worst—your chances of establishing a new, totally fulfilling relationship.
Party the night away at the Rosewood Sand Hill Hotel with fabulous chef prepared foods, live music, amazing cocktails, and mingle with the Valley’s most desirable movers and shakers.
This event supports the Junior League of Palo Alto, Mid-Peninsula and will be a great way to meet like-minded people, while supporting a wonderful cause. This is not a Linx Dating event, instead Modern Luxury’s premier party of the year.
Linx will be in attendance, so please come say hi and toast to good people, positive energy, and new connections. Need a little dating advice or want to talk to me about matchmaking, just ask me there. Happy to chat discreetly.
When: Tuesday, March 5, 2019 | 6:00-8:30 pm
Where: The Rosewood Sand Hill Hotel | Menlo Park, CA, complimentary valet
Cocktail Attire, dress and look your best. Ladies bring a wrap or jacket as guests will be spilling over onto the lawn outside and the evening hours can get very chilly.
Tickets are only $85.00 and can be purchased here ⬇️:
We are thrilled to announce a new search for our international bachelor. Our client is a true renaissance man. He’s a 38-year-old 6ft former Ivy League football player with a Yugoslavian mother and African American father. He is a mix between Jason Bourne and Marty Khan and has served as a Counterintelligence Officer in the US military, been an American Diplomat, and now works as an international management consultant for a top 5 firm in the Mid East.
He combines a Hollywood smile and a movie star’s charisma with an endless supply of energy and an engineer’s intellectual curiosity. The man is polished, erudite, and displays the manners and global savvy of the experienced diplomat he is. Although high strung, he is gregarious, engaging, and the kind of guy that makes toddlers smile and giggle when he greets them (he once worked as a kindergarten teacher in his early 20s).
He’s handsome with a mischievous aurora and is a true globetrotter that has been to over 117 countries. In addition to being an avid tennis enthusiastic he provides tutoring and mentorship to inner-city kids wanting to attend elite schools.
Currently based in a booming Middle East hub with an amazing expatriate package that includes ½ a floor at a five-star hotel, household staff, driver, and private school for the kiddies when you have them. After serving his country in several global hotspots he is now ready to settle down and be the family man that he always wanted to be. He is a traditionalist and is comfortable being the breadwinner for the family but is also open to a careerist partner.
His ideal match is between the ages of 25-35, open on her heritage, although leans towards exotic, in shape, and with feminine curves. She is engaging, interesting, humble, loyal, an optimistic by nature, and prefers a traditional man. As our client is current based in the Middle East, this candidate needs to be open to travel and possible relocation.
If you or anyone you know might make a great fit for this gentleman, please email Amy directly at: email@example.com Thank you!
If your partner is constantly seeking attention, validation, or admiration while keeping your needs secondary, you could be dating a narcissist. The narcissism diagnosis gets tossed around frequently, so it can be difficult to differentiate between a true narcissist and someone who just loves attention. To know if you’re dating a narcissist, look out for the following signs:
Grandiose Personality—Your partner believes that he or she is the reason other people are leading better lives. Because they believe they are more important than everyone else, it’s challenging for them to fathom how other people could survive without their contributions.
What this could look like: When your partner discusses a work project, he takes credit for the final product without any acknowledgement of colleagues. He tries to tell you that despite everyone pushing back or “getting in his way”, he single-handedly found the answer.
Grand displays of affection (initially)—If your partner laid it on thick in the beginning—i.e. flowers, gifts, or saying “I love you” soon after meeting—you experienced what psychologists call “love bombing”. This technique is used to move the relationship forward quickly, but on a false pretense—one that is self-serving as opposed to genuine.
What this could look like: You were swept off your feet, but that narrative quickly changed when you communicated needs of your own. The exchange of gifts comes easily, but the exchange of real communication has barriers.
Your partner is living in a fantasy—Since reality doesn’t back up that grandiose personality, your partner will create a narrative that does. You might hear your partner tell stories that speak to unlimited power, brilliance, or importance. These stories are protective mechanisms to help offset shame or a lack of self worth.
What this could look like: Your partner tells a story about that time she got a scholarship to an ivy league school, but she doesn’t end up going. When you ask why she took out loans to attend a state school instead, she becomes furious and combative. Your innocent question is met with rage and anger, as it potentially challenges her fantasy.
You partner turns the conversation on you—Whenever you discuss a problem with your partner or have some constructive criticism, the conversation seems to be redirected at you. A narcissistic person will try to make you feel guilty, overly sensitive, or just plain wrong about the issues you’re experiencing. Gaslighting is the formal term that describes this kind of emotional devaluation technique.
What this could look like: You tell your partner that you are upset when she shows up late for plans. Instead of apologizing or offering up a reason, she flips the conversation on you. She might say something like, “Why are you so controlling?” or “Would be really great if you could loosen up”. Gaslighters know that if you question your own feelings, you will continue to doubt yourself and the poor treatment you are receiving.
Your partner is a bully—To affirm those feelings of superiority, narcissists will frequently demean others. Your partner harbors a fragile self esteem so tearing people down—especially publically—is a way to preserve his sense of self.
What this could look like: The waiter delivers the wrong meal to your table. Instead of asking for a replacement, your partner escalates the situation from mistake to confrontation. After embarrassing the waiter and asserting dominance, your partner will not feel any shame or remorse for making a scene.