Silicon Valley Dating

Matchmakers as Brokers

Although matchmaking has been my profession and one of my greatest passions for the last 18 years, I have many other interests, and residential real estate is one of them… I love driving and walking around and noting homes that are for sale and, more so pre-COVID 19, touring open homes.  I believe deeply in serendipity – random discoveries on Sunday open home drives have led to my two home purchases.   There was clearly luck involved, but had I not put myself out there to get lucky, I would not have had the chance to get lucky.

Please humor me today as I engage in some residential real estate comparisons to shed some light on what I do at Linx Dating.  Please forgive any simplification in my analogies – I am simply trying to make a few broad points.

In the old days pre-internet, as a prospective home buyer, you generally relied on a broker to do even the very basics of your search, unless you were willing to settle for driving through neighborhoods looking for “for sale” signs or perusing the Sunday local newspaper real estate section.  A good broker would get to know you and your needs, would generate a list of potential properties to view from a listing service which was not easily accessed by non-brokers, and take you around to open homes and private tours until hopefully you found what you were looking for.   They would then generate paperwork to help you complete the various phases of the transaction, along with your bank if you were obtaining a mortgage, and then earn a brokerage fee calculated as a percentage of the sale price of the home. 

The question is, why, in the age of the publicly available and online multiple listing service and seemingly endless choices of secondary apps and services such as Zillow or Redfin, do we still need real estate brokers?   They basically do what they used to do.  

It’s a fair point.  Why should an agent, today, earn 2.5% for creating a list for you that looks like the MLS list and auto-generating paperwork from a repository of documents using “find and replace?”  Yes, they can get you into a home during non-open home times, etc. etc.   But what distinguishes them?  And why, somehow, in light of this, do only 7-10% of homes get listed directly by sellers, meaning they are not using a broker?  There has to be more going on.

The parallels to dating are noteworthy.   Why invest in a personalized concierge matchmaker when there is Match.com, Tinder and all of the countless others available like the MLS? 

Well, this is where it gets complex.

Are all of the available home properties on the MLS?  Many are, for sure.  But some of the best properties are “pocket listings,” “off-market listings,” or might never even make it to any listing.  A good broker has a strong local network and can hear about properties that might be coming on the market in the future, or even owners who might be worth proactively approaching about selling their homes.   You don’t get this on Zillow.   A great broker is worth their weight in gold – certainly 2.5%.

In the dating world, not all of the great “catches” are on the apps.  Why?  Maybe they are just uncomfortable with putting themselves out there publicly and they value their anonymity and privacy.  Maybe they don’t have the time or energy to invest in volume dating – to cycle through all of the prospects, messages, phone calls, texts, zooms, coffees, drinks, dinners and all of the rest.     Or maybe even if they *are* on the apps, their profiles are hidden or they are burned out on the games.  Or maybe they are *thinking* about trying online but haven’t yet.

At Linx Dating, we are discreet, we protect your privacy, and we tap our existing massive vetted and trusted network of referrals to find your match whether they are online or not.  We can also do highly tailored outbound recruiting on your behalf and come with a stamp of credibility for the “buyer” and the “seller.”


All of this aside, I still haven’t touched on what might be the most important function of a broker – something that for me can be the most frustrating and yet most fulfilling part of my job – and that is working to be a bridge builder, confidante, and psychologist to both candidates at the same time, nurturing the “transaction” and serving to smooth the lines of communication so that a potentially great long term match is not permanently impaired by some early turbulence, miscommunications, and reluctance for candidates to give each other the benefit of the doubt early in a relationship.  

I know this is true in dating – and I am told it’s true in residential real estate.   There are so many pitfalls that can derail a home purchase – problems with bank mortgage approval, a housing inspection gone awry, weird neighbors, or just the raw emotions of buying or selling a home.   This is where a seasoned broker with not only domain experience, but the right personality, can make a huge difference in closing a transaction that otherwise might have headed into the large abyss of the majority of deals that never get done.

I spend a large chunk of my day walking through my neighborhood with my Apple airpods cranked up, accumulating miles and steps and getting my exercise, as I talk to multiple clients, hearing how their early dates and communications with their matches are going, offering a listening ear, advice if needed or requested, and, on occasion, direct intervention if I feel it is warranted and can be helpful.

In the earliest stages of any relationship, when two people are just getting to know each other and to build trust, differences and misunderstandings can get completely blown out of proportion when emotions run high, and they can sink what could ultimately be a beautiful relationship.  It is often my job to steady the ship, to communicate with both people, and to help them see the big picture.   This can be as basic as my helping folks interpret signals from each other, or as in depth as providing “color” to both people if they might not initially be willing to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.

Just one recent example comes to mind – I was recently working with a successful 30-something male entrepreneur who had already successfully sold a company and had matched him to a 20-something female entrepreneur who was raising one of her first rounds of financing for her startup.  They clearly clicked, had chemistry, and long-term relationship potential.  However, a few of the dinners crossed over into business talk and, before you know it, he was giving her stern advice about the mistakes he thought she was making in her business and she, in turn, felt lectured, and that he was condescending, unempathetic in his inability to understand that she might not have the resources to follow his advice.  She was deeply hurt and needed to take a break.   He did not understand where he could have gone wrong as he was truly trying to help.  Enter Amy, as I tried to help them both individually understand how they could listen to each other and save something that could be really special and I am glad to say they are back on track.

I am not here to deny that homes can be bought and sold without a broker, or even that some home transactions use a broker who still basically only does what is available online with a little looking.  Similarly, online dating absolutely can work – with some luck and perseverance, there have been countless happy couples that have emerged from the apps.


But I am a believer in economics and survival of the fittest – ultimately, brokers need to justify their worth if they want their 2.5%.  This goes for residential real estate and elite matchmaking. 

Introducing our new male VIP….

Our client is a dynamic, polished, 33-year-old Caucasian former college tennis player, who stands at 5’11” with brown hair, blue eyes, and a contagious smile. He was born and raised in Southern California and likes to joke that (at least to this point) the best decision he ever made was picking his parents, who devoted themselves to raising a wonderful family and have led by example to show him how to live the most enjoyable and fulfilled life possible. His father is his intellectual inspiration, who helped instill in him a passion for all sorts of intellectual pursuits from mathematics to economics to politics to psychology. His mother provided him with his uniformly positive attitude toward life, best encapsulated by being bestowed the “This is the best day yet” award when he was 13 years old on a 3-week trip to Europe with a group of young teenagers. His parents first met on a tennis court, and his dream-come-true would be for his wife to share the passion for tennis that he inherited from his parents.

Our client is a renaissance man and decorated student-athlete. He was valedictorian in high school and had the top GPA of any student in his class at a leading US university, all the while doing among the most difficult set of majors and having the winningest record on his top Division I tennis team during his final seasons. Before launching into his career, he spent a year in the United Kingdom to get master’s degree in finance and write a couple of books about achieving peak performance on the tennis court, in the classroom, and beyond.

He has had a highly successful career to date, with stints in consulting and private equity before settling on public market investing, where his primary focus is high-growth software companies. He takes great pride in his work, but he is conscientious about maintaining a healthy work-life balance, which provides him with ample freedom to pursue his myriad of hobbies, from playing tennis to hiking in National Parks to participating in several conservative/libertarian political organizations to sitting on his balcony perched high above the Bay in his never-ending pursuit to figure out the meaning of life.

Given the wonderful upbringing he had from his loving parents who made raising children their top priority, he is uniquely focused on raising a family and being a devoted father. Having seen how much pleasure his parents had bringing up multiple children, he is excited about the opportunity to pay it forward to his children. A meticulous planner, he has a remarkable “lifestyle-oriented” vision for how he sees his life play out and is looking for an inspiration partner to join with him on the journey ahead.

His dream match is an intellectual and athletic peer, who also had excellent grades, played tennis at a top Division I school, and shares a similar passion for life and vivacious personality. She is an “All American girl” who is 23-27 years old, between 5’5”-5’11”, physically fit, and has light features. She is politically conservative/libertarian and comes from a stable, married family with parents who are still deeply in love after multiple decades of marriage. She is as close to her parents and siblings as our client is and deeply hoping to marry someone who adores her parents as she does. She desires to focus on raising a family as extraordinary as her own, alongside a husband who is equally engaged in her children’s development.

Her friends would describe her as proactive, cheerful, optimistic, judicious, and highly organized. She has a job that is intellectually demanding and ambitious, but also one that has (or at least will have) reasonable hours so she can live a balanced, wholesome life with plenty of time to pursue her many other interests.

On weekends, her favorite activities include playing tennis, hiking, reading, and socializing with friends. She enjoys taking trips to national parks and visiting new cities and towns. She is unafraid to be a globetrotter and to take the road less traveled to explore interesting far-fetched places that have their charm but are not the common spots that tourists go.

Our client has not been married before and does not currently have any children, but he envisions both in his future and plans to take this role very seriously.

If you or anyone you might know could qualify as a candidate to meet this extraordinary VIP, please submit your information here. There are NO fees for qualified candidates to meet our client.   

Third time’s a charm….

Exactly one year after being matched to each other, this beautiful couple tied the knot this past weekend. 

It was the third Linx match for each of them… 


Her first date feedback included: “it was easy to talk freely and openly with him and just to be myself…the entire night felt comfortable, enjoyable, and just ‘right’.”


As happy as I was to hear this feedback, I couldn’t help but recall that it was not easy, at first, to get her to even meet this gentleman.


When I had initially presented his “baby bio” to her last August, she had reservations and was inclined to take a pass on him. I had to do what felt like an intervention with her (emails back and forth and phone calls) to make her see  *why* I thought he was an excellent fit for her. She had come to me to help her find love, but was she ready to truly “let go” and trust my judgment and that I had her best interests in mind?


Since she was on the fence about meeting him, I suggested we add an extra layer of vetting and do a deeper dive of offering her the chance to ask him some questions. She developed a list of questions and I emailed them to him. Once I received his response, I emailed her back.

Although she really appreciated his rapid response and answers, she still wasn’t satisfied and wanted more answers from him before committing to a first date and using up one of her “official” Linx matches per her contract. 


More phone calls, more emails and finally… she said yes! 


I remember being very concerned about their meeting over Zoom (due to Covid) and suggested in person, outside, distanced, at a nice restaurant. Zoom can be so flat and impossible to detect chemistry! They listened, had such a great time, and stayed so long that they nearly closed the restaurant down. 


After a handful of dates, he shared the following feedback with me: “we can’t get enough time with each other and I am loving every minute of it.  I’m ready to be taken out of your Linx database and hope to share some more milestones with you in the future.”  


I am so lucky to have matched this exceptional couple. Based on their geography, backgrounds, and a myriad of other criteria, I can firmly state that I know with 99.9% certainty that their paths would have never crossed had it not been for Linx. 


They stayed steady with the “3” theme and became exclusive after 3 months, got engaged 3 months after going exclusive, and had a quiet wedding ceremony 3 months from the date of getting engaged.

This past weekend was a celebration with loved ones….surely a very very lucky day that could have hung delicately in the balance and never happened had the Linx process not been permitted to work its magic. 💫

‘I’m Just Being Honest’ Podcast….A deep dive on dating and being proactive to meet your ideal mate. You don’t want to miss my powerful insider dating tips!

On this episode of the I’m Just Being Honest Podcast, I chat with host Alexandra Ayers. With over 18 years since Linx has been established, I have gathered an abundance of data on finding an ideal mate and in this episode I share my best tips and answer the most commonly asked questions – including what men look for in a partner and being proactive to meet your ideal mate. Thank you to Alexandra Ayers for putting together this great podcast and interview. Let’s elevate dating to a whole new heightened level!

As an alternative to the YouTube chat above, here are the podcast links in Spotify and Apple Podcasts

Linx Member Testimonial from 30-something in Los Angeles….


“When I met Amy I said something along the lines of ‘I know some men just like beautiful women that are quiet and don’t talk’ and she immediately chimed in and said “that’s not my clients. My clients want a woman who is beautiful but also interesting to talk to, who has hobbies and passions, who would be complementary and value-add to their lives.”

“I was so relieved to hear this as a woman in her mid-30s frustrated with dating in Los Angeles.  Amy’s clients are very successful and high caliber individuals, and they are ready for commitment. They have arrived at the realization that 2 is better than 1 and they are missing a life partner, someone to build a life with. It has truly been a refreshing change to meet Amy. Amy is very thoughtful about her introductions and is all about quality over quantity. 

She is very responsive and communicative and has my back. You can’t even compare Linx Dating to dating apps. As a female, I also really appreciate that Amy interviews all her clients in person and won’t work with people she can’t help or simply are not ready for something serious. I’m excited to see what the summer has in store for me with my Linx match.”

Experience The Linx Difference

Experience Matters 

After nearly 18 years in business, we are arguably one of the most seasoned matchmakers in the industry and are regularly spoken of as the top global matchmaker worldwide. Thousands of interviews later, we can confidently say that experience matters when hiring a tier one matchmaker.  We offer in-depth knowledge and expertise, as well as unparalleled reach via our network, for our clients. 

When doing your due diligence researching matchmaking firms, look for a company where the primary matchmaker working on your search is an industry veteran – someone who has sat through thousands of meetings, made countless matches, and who understands human behavior… someone with strong, deeply honed intuition and pattern recognition vs. a green matchmaker who’s been in the business for only a few years!

One of the greatest appeals of Linx is that our clients will work directly with Amy Andersen, the founder and CEO, throughout the search. Clients are not “farmed off” to junior matchmakers or individuals with little or no vested interest in the well-being of the client. 

Privacy and Reputation Matter

Keeping our client and prospect information private is a hallmark of the Linx philosophy and we maintain a sterling reputation in the industry, in this regard.

Trustworthiness goes hand in hand with how we conduct our work, and we adhere to the highest standards of integrity to ensure that we protect the identities of our clients and members. This means that we will not reveal any identifiable candidate information until a match is made and we certainly do not gossip about “whom” we work with around town as we live our daily lives. 

Founder and CEO Amy Andersen has emerged as the “Cupid of Silicon Valley” having matched many of Silicon Valley’s high profile tech elite, Hollywood, founder & CEOs, and more. Due to the private nature of many of Linx’s high profile clients, we operate meetings in our private offices, gardens, and also offer house visits.  

Exclusivity Matters 

Linx Dating does not cater to the masses – we represent high-caliber clientele who seek our niche, highly reputable approach to matchmaking. There are numerous other services that claim to be “exclusive” and to be working with “elite clients,” but the reality is, they broadcast their services in airline magazines and do not maintain the same standard of quality as Linx. 

Linx is the only upscale matchmaking firm that does not publicly advertise its services. We do not need to, as our client base has been built via nearly two decades of word-of-mouth referrals from happy clients and our extended social and professional networks.

Linx is also the only firm to cherry-pick clients whom we know we can genuinely help. We don’t work with everyone who applies and have been coined the “Stanford or Harvard University” of matchmakers. In being selective, we maintain our exclusivity and do not dilute our brand by taking on more business than we can handle. 

Integrity Matters

That said, even if we feel we cannot effectively help someone after our preliminary meet-and-greet, we always provide prospects with options and never leave them rudderless.  

The Network Matters 

It goes without saying, in hiring a tier-one firm, that you want an incredible network of passive members and premium clients, from whom to draw in sourcing potential matches. In other words, the network is everything! Without such a serious social network and trusted connections, a matchmaker has little to go on. 

To center in on a network, you want a highly developed local network. Though Linx has historically specialized in the San Francisco Bay Area / Silicon Valley and continues to do so, it has also accumulated a substantial network in Southern California. As they say with real estate, location, location, location! Linx is wedged in the heart of Silicon Valley and is here to stay! Moreover, though heavily anchored in California, Linx attracts members from all over the US and the globe including Seattle, New York, Texas, the Middle East, Europe, and Asia. 

Marketing Matters 

We know how important marketing is when it comes to our VIP client searches. With the right presentation, we can significantly optimize your positioning when it comes to attracting the ideal match. 

We are the only global firm that specializes in leveraging our trusted brand to market select VIP searches through use of social media, our blog, and website. We are consistently applauded for our content and writing. We have a very trusted team dedicated to graphic design, wordsmithing, and photography to make our VIP client descriptions shine, such that they ultimately attract the right candidates to apply to meet the client. 

We are proud to share that our method is a proven one.  Time and time again, VIP searches that were listed on the Linx Dating website attracted an exact “needle in a haystack” match for our VIPs.  After scrupulous vetting, we matched the client to the prospect and, well, the rest is history.  

Timing and Preparation Matter

We are experts in carefully helping prospects transition to dating, often after having not dated for a significant period of time, e.g. after the loss of a loved one, separation, breakup, or divorce. We know how vital it is, before you “go on the market” again to get prepared and to go to market with success and gusto.  From providing the new client with nuggets of dating wisdom, to strategic thinking around the type of match they need for a healthy and long-term thriving relationship, and countless preparation techniques (wardrobe, coaching, concierge, etc.) we have you covered! 

Collaboration Matters 

We have trusted partnerships and deep resources when it comes to specialists in various fields. At Linx we know where our core expertise lies and are careful not to dilute our matchmaking efforts.  As such, we leverage our trusted connections, as needed, to provide a full suite of offerings to clients.  These include wardrobe styling, hair, make-up, photography, date coaching, fitness, nutrition, concierge services, and access to other elite matchmaking firms with whom we might collaborate on certain searches, so as to cast an even wider net.

Equality Matters 

While most traditional matchmaking firms do not seek to represent women as actual paying clients, Linx is extremely proud to do so – we represent many such educated and dynamic females who are bright, sophisticated, and possess stellar academic backgrounds.  

Technology Matters 

Although we are steeped in old school traditional methodology and human intuition when it comes to matchmaking, we do not operate in the stone age.

Our team regularly utilizes proprietary data science techniques, as appropriate, to cull candidates in executive search/recruiting style “out of network” searches for VIP clients.

Healthy Clients Matter

We work with individuals who are balanced and healthy – mentally and physically – and are in the right place to get serious about finding the loves of their lives!  

Our clients typically lead active lifestyles and enjoy the creature comforts with some moderation. Linx is also the only matchmaking firm that chooses not to work with smokers. 

Personalization and Passion Matter

As Linx only accepts a select number of clients annually, all of whom work directly with founder/CEO Amy Andersen, our services are highly personalized, narrowly tailored to the needs of the client, and built around regular and direct access to Amy, who built the business from scratch and is deeply passionate about what she does.

Philanthropic Silicon Valley gentleman seeks like-minded family centric and charitably minded match for a lifetime of adventure!

Our client is a marriage minded 35 year old Asian American intellectual, standing at 5’9” with an athletic build, black hair, and brown eyes. Ever thoughtful and still a big dreamer, his background, current success, and future plans are all quite extraordinary. Family has been immensely important to him at all stages of his journey, raising him to value education and work ethic, supporting him in his current endeavor as founder of an incredibly ambitious and risky tech startup, and finally being his primary motivation to pursue philanthropy and bring economic opportunities to all people by investing in their education.

Our client grew up in the suburbs of Southern California with hard-working parents, a younger sister, and a younger brother. He immediately found himself adapting to fit into multiple different subgroups including overachievers, athletes, weirdos, and Chinese-first language speakers, which has influenced him to highly value open-mindedness to this day. A balance between strict tiger parenting styles from the East and more individualistic and encouraging styles from his teachers trained in the West, built him into the highly successful and balanced man he is today. 

Immediately after graduating with his bachelor’s in computer science from a top California school, he started his career as a software engineer and things really started to pick up. He hatched a plan 8 years ago and is still executing it: get some early stage startup experience and financial buffer (done), start his own company, and finally use the accumulated resources to “retire” into a life of philanthropy to help end poverty and bring about an egalitarian society by empowering all people with a quality education they can use to build their own livelihood. 

His motto in life is that he is “earning to give” – earning money to eventually give back to society one day. Very few people think like this – especially in Silicon Valley where greed, power, and material wealth are the currency that fuels the economy for many “keeping up with the Joneses” types. 

Outside of work, our candidate has fun too. He generally prefers the outdoors and athletic activities such as gravel biking and backpacking throughout California’s beautiful natural scenery, basketball, and archery at local indoor and outdoor ranges. He has also traveled to six continents and never found a cuisine he doesn’t like. Even after nearly being a victim of ATM theft in Cape Town, he sat down at a restaurant to enjoy traditional African cuisine including fried Mopane worms (caterpillars) which he found very chewy and meaty! Ultimately, spending time with friends and family is more important to him than the particular activity, so he frequently joins them for live shows, museums, and crafts as well. 

His dream match is between the ages of 26-35 years old, feminine, with a healthy athletic physique, and medium to long hair. He’s open to all races and backgrounds but leans towards Asian American and Caucasian. 

His future wife would be best described as his partner in life. She’s probably at the intersection of extroversion and introversion, very sharp and intelligent, and yet with a self-awareness.  She’s worked hard to get to where she’s at professionally and academically and perhaps could be considered “gritty” and industrious. If something isn’t working, she’s going to come up with a unique solution- she’s a good problem solver. Our client dreams of meeting a powerful female in her career who’s kicking butt and paving the way for other “alpha” women.

Her family, relationship with loved ones, and friends are core to her existence. Friends can rely on her and although she’s busy with her profession, she’s the type of person that would bring chicken soup over to a sick friend. 

Values are extremely important to her and she can envision a shared path of giving back to society with her future husband one day. The foundation and philanthropy that high profile individuals like Bill and Melinda Gates have created with so much impact provide inspiration to dream and think big about what a shared vision of charity really means. 

It should be noted, our client has not been married, does not have any children and looks forward to both in his life soon. He hopes for a big family and would love to meet a woman who is excited to be a loyal wife and amazing mother to raise their children together! 

If you or anyone you might know could qualify as a candidate to meet this incredible VIP, please submit your information here. Please note, there are NO fees for qualifying candidates to meet our client. Thank you so much!

Attractive Silicon Valley CEO seeks cerebral and athletic girl next door….

Our handsome Caucasian VIP bachelor stands tall at 6’4″ with a healthy musculature and athletic physique, and is based in the heart of Silicon Valley. Born and raised in the Midwest, he is marriage-minded and values hard work, healthy living, humility, and substance.

He is a natural leader, adventurer-seeker, and dynamic self-starter. After completing his graduate studies at an Ivy League, he pursued a career abroad in finance, where he quickly rose through the ranks to hold executive management positions. After working abroad for over a decade, he returned to the states for his next adventure: building a deep tech company in Silicon Valley.

As founder and CEO of a burgeoning tech company, he is now ready to settle down and pursue the adventure of a lifetime with the right woman.

Outside of his very successful career, our VIP enjoys swimming, cycling, yoga, and reading to stay physically and mentally fit. In his spare time, he likes to build and contribute to the communities in which he’s involved: swim club, his neighborhood, veteran causes, just to name a few. He also loves spending time with friends, organizing and throwing parties, and making others smile!

He has a great sense of humor and hopes to find a woman to share laughs with. His ideal match is in her 30’s and has dated to the point where she is completely ready to settle down with her dream guy. If she is living outside of the Bay Area, she’s open to relocation and putting her roots into building an incredible life with her leading man in Silicon Valley.

His match is super cute and sporty, natural in her appearance, fit, smart, a strong communicator, social, warm hearted, humble, and has a heart of gold. Although our client leads a very comfortable nice life and is excited to provide for his family one day, the antithesis of his comfort zone are flashy labels, a life of excess, hard partying, and drama. He’s never been married, no kids, and looks forward to both.

This guy is a total catch and wants to find his dream partner in 2021. Now that Covid restrictions are lifted, what are you waiting for?

If you or anyone you know might make a beautiful match for this gem of a bachelor, please contact Amy at: amy@linxdating.com. Absolutely no fees for qualifying female candidates.

It’s 2021…Ladies Make Your Move

I met Jon Birger seven years ago, over lunch in Palo Alto.

A Fortune Magazine writer working on his first book Date-onomics, Jon wanted to talk about Bay Area dating — specifically how the region’s rather unique oversupply of educated men impacted people’s love lives.

Published in 2015, Date-onomics argued that shifting sex ratios among the college educated are behind the rise of the hookup culture and the decline in marriage rates. In nearly every other part of the country, it’s the college-educated women who are in oversupply. Nationally, one-third more women than men have graduated college since 2000.

This might not matter so much if we were more open-minded about whom we date and marry. Thing is, college grads still like to date other college grads, and this preference leads to lopsided sex ratios in the dating pool. And lopsided sex ratios give the scarcer sex the upper hand.

For Jon, San Francisco and Santa Clara County were the exceptions that proved the rule. The Bay Area is the one well-populated region of the country where educated men outnumber educated women. Yes, we’ve still got our share of playboys. But generally speaking, the Bay Area boasts some of the highest marriage rates and lowest divorce rates in the country for college-educated women.

As you can imagine, Date-onomics generated a ton of buzz when it was published. Glamour, Time, Good Morning America, The Washington Post, National Public Radio and countless other media outlets all produced stories or segments about Jon’s first book.

Now he has a new dating book coming out in February — MAKE YOUR MOVE: The New Science of Dating and Why Women Are in Charge. I read an advance review copy of Make Your Move, and it’s terrific. So terrific that I asked Jon if he’d answer a few questions about it for the Linx blog. He obliged.

AMY ANDERSEN: Jon, what inspired you to write another dating book?

JON BIRGER: It had a lot to do with being on book tour with Date-onomics.

The first book was more pop science than self help. Yeah, there was a little bit of advice tucked into the final chapter, but it was only there because my editor demanded it.

My primary goal with Date-onomics was simply to explain why dating had become so hard for young, successful, college-educated women. I wanted to shed light on this strange phenomenon so many of us are familiar with — this plethora of fabulous women in their thirties and forties who cannot seem to find a decent guy.

When the first book came out, I had it in my head that women would be relieved to hear that their dating woes were not their fault. I thought the knowledge-is-power thing would be enough.

Well, you can probably guess what happened when I got out on book tour and started taking questions.

Women still wanted you to tell them how to find a husband.

Yep.

I’d give speeches to mostly female audiences or go on radio shows with mostly female callers, and they wanted advice on their love lives. They wanted me to explain why other women whom they considered no more attractive or successful didn’t have the same problems they did.

I didn’t have great answers, and that’s what prompted me to write Make Your Move. Backed by the latest research on dating, Make Your Move is all about solutions and strategies for hetero, marriage-minded women who are navigating an unfair dating market. There’s a lot of fun storytelling too. I interviewed all these amazing women with romantic stories about how they found their partners by ignoring the traditional dating rules and norms that had been holding them back.

A lot of your advice in Make Your Move involves encouraging women to make the first move, right?

That’s definitely part of it.

I don’t want to give away too much, but I do believe our culture is at an inflection point. Young women are kicking ass in education, sports, business, media, politics and so much else. So why the heck would anyone tell these women that they’ve got to wait for a man to ask them out? 

Do you think men are changing too?

I do. I think the whole culture is changing — which is why this new generation of singles needs a new dating bible!

If you think about it, nearly every best-selling dating guide written over the past forty years — from The Rules to Ignore the Guy, Get the Guy — has told women that in order to bag a man, they must commit to a very complicated game of playing hard to get. The message these books ask women to send to men boils down to “not interested means keep trying.”

I don’t think this was ever a helpful message, but in the post-#MeToo world, it’s really, really unhelpful.

Men have learned important lessons from #MeToo. Maybe we’re not learning as fast as we should, but we are learning. Nowadays if a woman indicates she’s not interested, most men will just take her at her word and move on. 

Do men actually want women to make the first move?

Most do. A woman who makes the first move takes away a man’s fear of rejection. She makes it easier for him to be himself around her. There’s less peacocking. More conversation.

I’ll give you an example from the book. It involves a 29-year-old named Becca — someone I know pretty well because she was our Saturday-night babysitter years ago. Becca is attractive, but key thing to understand about Becca is she has a huge personality. She’s a real cut-up. My kids loved her.

Of course, some men find the extrovert thing intimidating. When I mentioned the new book to her, she started telling me the story of how she and her boyfriend first got together. They met at a party. They were talking, having a good time, but it was apparent he was too nervous to do anything about it. So Becca just blurted out, “Hey, are you going to ask for my number?”

That’s how it started for them.

I know there are women out there who will never believe this, but the whole key to understanding men is that men like women who like them. Too many women have been raised on the notion that men love the chase and that a man will become less interested in her the moment she’s too interested in him.

Perhaps that was true once upon a time, but I’ve yet to meet the man who broke up with a woman he liked simply because she was too enthusiastic about him. I’ve also yet to meet a guy who enjoyed guessing which women are playing a game and which just want to be left alone. This is why assertive women willing to make a first move have such an advantage over women who sideline themselves by waiting to be courted.

Is there such a thing as too assertive?

I don’t think the first move has to be anything dramatic.

I know that the rule-followers always conjure up images of women throwing themselves at men any time someone suggests women making the first move. But that’s not at all what I’m talking about. Think about what Becca did. She didn’t grab the guy’s butt. All she did was open the door wide enough to make him feel confident about walking through.

In the book, you urge women to take a break from online dating. Why?

Just to be clear, I’m not opposed to all online dating. There are some niche dating apps that I like a lot, and I do write about them in the book. I also recognize that in COVID times, online dating may be only dating some people are comfortable with.

Still, I think many singles would be happier if they ditched the apps and tried asking out people they actually know instead. Over the past year, the dark side of online dating has really been coming into focus. According to Pew Research, 57% of women report experiencing harassment on dating apps, and 19% say they’ve been threatened with physical violence. Overall, 55% of women believe dating is harder now than it was 10 years ago.

So tell me about the “Make Your Move Offline Dating Challenge.”

It’s one chapter in the book. It’s essentially a step-by-step plan for dating in the real world instead of the digital one — for finding more meaningful connections.

The reason I created the offline dating challenge is there’s too much anxiety surrounding dating right now. Online daters don’t trust each other. The whole purpose of the offline dating challenge is to make people more comfortable about dating. Less jaded. Less fearful.

When I was in my 20s, blind dates with complete strangers were pretty rare. Nowadays, most online first dates are blind dates with complete strangers. What’s so difficult about this is you have no idea what kind of person will walk through the door. Everybody who knows your online first date knows him better than you do, so you really are flying blind.

Now compare the online first date with a stranger to going out on a first date with someone you already know and like — a co-worker or a neighbor or someone from church or maybe a friend of a friend. It’s a much different experience. It’s much easier to fall in like or in love when you share common experiences or common friends — and when you’re not worried the person across the table from you could be an axe murderer.

When I was dating up a storm from online sites in my 20’s, the biggest problem was lack of filtering. Lots of good guys but those guys were looking for only fun in the here and now. Their goal was getting laid over actually finding a compatible partner. 

Hah. That’s obviously a familiar experience for lots of women, though I have seen research showing women use apps for sex as often as men do.

I think a fundamental problem with dating apps is the anonymity fosters miscommunication and mistruths — especially on that all-important question of whether the other person is looking for a hookup or a long-term relationship. It’s just easier to behave badly with strangers than with people connected to your daily life.

A woman I interviewed for the book described online dating to me as “a doubter’s game,” and this struck me as a really interesting turn of phrase. Based on past experiences, she just assumed most men on dating apps were lying to her. She’d spend first dates trying to poke holes in their stories.

Needless to say, that didn’t lead to a lot of second dates.

Well, this woman is now engaged to a man she met through a mutual friend. Before her first date with the now-fiancée, she didn’t even bother googling him. She told me she didn’t have to because she knew her friend would never set her up with a man who was unkind or untrustworthy.

“It’s more of a believer’s game,” she said about old-fashioned dating. “I was just more inclined to find the positive. It was actually the closest thing to love at first sight I’d ever experienced.”

In the book, you cite research showing that couples who meet at work, in college, through friends, in church, etc. stay together longer than those who meet on the apps. Why do you think that is?

Human beings evolved as social animals, and we bond through shared experiences. Those shared experiences — those fun stories we like to tell and re-tell — become building blocks for deeper connections. This is why couples who know each other tend to have lower breakup rates than couples who first meet online.

What’s your opinion of professional matchmaking?

I put matchmaking into the “met through friends” category.

I have no doubt that your best clients view you as confidante and friend more than as a paid advisor. The only difference between being set up by a close friend and being set up by a good matchmaker is the matchmaker has a much longer list of single men and women to choose from. (I’m always reminded of that scene from “When Harry Met Sally,” when Carrie Fisher pulls out her rolodex during lunch and tries unsuccessfully to come up with men she can set up Meg Ryan with.)

That being said, not everybody who’ll read Make Your Move can afford to spend five figures on a high-end matchmaker like Linx. Most can’t. But I still want them to know that there are other, better ways to date than swiping on Tinder.

2020 was a challenging year for everybody, but finding your dream partner can make even the darkest times seem brighter. Have you seen anything that should give people hope in 2021, at least when it comes to love and romance?

Absolutely. Maybe it’s all those “How it began … how it’s going” memes floating around social media, but I see plenty of reasons for optimism. I love all the videos of women proposing to their boyfriends, for instance. I love the then-and-now photos of couples who started out as friends — and not as Tinder matches! — and are now celebrating anniversaries.

Those are the kind of things that gives me hope.

When does Make Your Move go on sale? Where can people buy it?

Make Your Move comes out Feb. 2, but it’s available for pre-order now from all the major retailers and independent booksellers — AmazonBarnes & NobleWal-MartBooks-a-MillionIndieboundIndigo. There’s an audiobook version too.

FYI, I’m usually willing to meet virtually with book clubs that buy and read one of my books. For info on the book-club Q&A’s — or on anything else related to Make Your Move or Date-onomics — folks can reach out to me via my author website, jonbirger.com.

Linx is recruiting single females who were born and raised in Russia for a dynamic entrepreneurial client…

We are looking for single females who are based in Silicon Valley. She should be single and completely unattached.

She is between 28-38 years old, physically fit and leading a healthy active lifestyle.

5’0″-5’5″, preference for 5’3″. She is natural in her appearance. Little to no make-up or emphasis on designer logo clothing and such.

Must have been born and raised in Russia. Our client wants to be able to relate to his partner- culturally, language, shared outlook, and mentally.

Friends and family would describe her as: positive, easy-going, kind, compassionate, logical, smart, humorous, curious, erudite, and open-minded.

Professionally, she is passionate about her career and someone who’s reached success in her life. Ideally she works in the sciences, art, investments, tech, etc. Maybe she’s a bold entrepreneur or founder.

Some of her hobbies and interests might include: the arts, sports, science, innovations, history, travel, reading, social impact, ecology, family, cooking.

She’s been waiting to meet her dream partner and wants her own biological child(ren).

Turns offs for our client- lazy, materialistic, not curious, not kind, doesn’t want children.

If you or anyone you know might make a match for our mystery VIP, please email Amy at: amy@linxdating.com

There are no fees for this opportunity.