Itâs great to have a toolkit for getting through a first date with a veneer of healthy self-esteem, but what happens after that? If youâre lucky, a first date leads to a second. And a second leads to a third. But if you arenât feeling good about yourself, you probably wonât make it very far beyond a couple of dates. Thatâs fine if you never really had an initial spark, or itâs becoming clear that that two of you are very different people who might not easily connect, but itâs not so fine if the fire fizzles simply because youâre too trapped in your own head to focus on the person right in front of you.
In order to capitalize on early chemistry and attraction, itâs important that you a) actually believe that you deserve to be dating this particular person, and b) let your date see and appreciate that. Try to remember that in order for any healthy relationship to survive, both parties have to be invested, and both of you actually have to think that itâs a good idea. So letâs assume you really did feel sparks, and that the early interest in mutual⊠if you arenât the worldâs most confident person, what can you do to bolster your ego just a little bit? After all, there has to be more to successful dating than just asking a waiter for suggestions and walking a woman to her car, right?
Here are a few ways you can develop some dating confidence. And if you donât think you need additional confidence when it comes to dating, try to keep in mind that having added confidence can be useful in almost every aspect of our lives.
Make a list, and check it twiceâŠ
I recently spoke with a client who was nervous about an upcoming first date. She was concerned that her date might not like her for a dozen different reasons, and had already started rationalizing a case for rejection from a man she hadnât even met. While itâs healthy to be prepared for any possible outcome, she was really only focused on one. If you find yourself doing this â particularly when it comes to anticipating rejection, you need to slow down, and make a list of all of your positive qualities and attributes. Yes, all of them. Go ahead and start now; it might take awhile. Be as detailed as possible. Oh, you like your earlobes and pinky toes? Turns out youâre one of those rare people who never has morning breath? You rarely move while sleeping? You can make a gourmet meal out of almost anything? Youâre incredibly good at your job, and your patients/clients/colleagues love you? You never forget a birthday? You actually have the time and desire to invest in a relationship? Your most recent ex said that you had âincredibly good handsâ?
Take some time to really study this list. These are all of the things about you that are great. These are all of the reasons someone should want to date you. These are all of the reasons that would make someone LUCKY to be your significant other. Some of it, of course, is going to seem very silly. But the rest of this should feel very true and very real. Donât focus on the possible perceived negatives. Donât highlight your weaknesses; showcase your strengths. You may still not end up on a second date, but it will be because your date doesnât appreciate your positive qualities, which is his or her loss. If you go into an evening expecting that your date is going to reject you based on your own insecurities, youâre creating a situation in which one of the worst possible outcomes simply lives up to your expectations. No one wants to experience that.
Dress the partâŠ
Iâm sure youâre getting tired of hearing that you need to dress up for a date, but I really canât stress this enough. What you wear and how you present yourself really does matter. After all, you wouldnât wear a bathrobe to a job interview, and yet youâre probably not hoping that you and your next job are going to have a relationship that involves the phrase ââtil death do us part.â We get confidence from our clothing choices; color tends to make us feel more youthful and alive, flattering cuts make us feel better about our bodies, and high quality garments are often an indicator that we see value in investing in ourselves.
You want to signal that you believe yourself to be desirable, attractive, and worthy of investment. And you want your date to agree. When you really dress for a date, youâre telling the man or woman across the table that he or she matters, that you respect their time and value their attention, and that you value yourself. Highly. If youâve ever had the experience of overdressing on a day that you feel awful in the hope that youâll get some sort of compliment, you already understand the role that attire can play in dictating your mood. Putting some effort into your wardrobe pays dividends at all times. It also gives you practice being comfortable attracting attention and accepting compliments. If you have one of âthose jobsâ where youâll actually be frowned upon for wearing anything more than a t-shirt and jeans, start making an effort on just one day of every weekend. Your friends will tell you that you look great, and youâll start to feel even better.
Talk to StrangersâŠ
One of the hardest things about building dating confidence can be overcoming stranger anxiety⊠you know, the stuff that sets in when weâre about 18 months old, and (for most of us) never really goes away? There is a lot of inherent risk in approaching someone you donât know, and we spend the first part of our lives being told to never do it. As we age, involvements with strangers tend to be managed through classroom, professional, or social environments where an instructor/boss/friend provides a framework and context for initial interactions. Relationships of all forms tend to blossom from these meetings, but early expectations (and hopes) are typically low. This, of course, doesnât provide much of a foundation for creating a relationship with someone you meet online or through Linx; we might say that the two of you should meet each other, but itâs still up to you to do the heavy lifting.
There is a way to get better at managing stranger anxiety, and thatâs to actually approach strangers. Yes, do exactly what your parents told you to never do. Your goal should only be to have small, simple interactions⊠asking for the time, making chitchat while waiting in a grocery store line, etc. Do this initially with people you simply donât find attractive. Start with people of the same sex, or with men and women who are significantly older or younger. Once you get comfortable striking up conversations with strangers you donât find attractive, then start doing it with people you DO find attractive, but who arenât available. In other words, look for wedding rings. This allows you to get over the anxiety of approaching someone you find desirable while keeping the stakes very low. And finally, when that becomes easy, you can start talking to strangers who appear to be attractive AND available. It will give you the confidence you need to approach people when dating in the wild. It will also provide a nice boast to your self-esteem when you meet someone exceptional through Linx.
Find a CoachâŠ
Increasingly, people are more and more willing to turn to coaches to help them gain or develop missing and weak skills; we do it with fitness and nutrition, with sports, with job interviews, with grad school applications, and even with childbirth. So it shouldnât seem odd to think that when it comes to dating and confidence, it might be a good idea to have a coach. Much like you might with a gym routine, see if one of your close friends can help you develop some skills and confidence. Give each other positive feedback, encourage more outgoing behavior, and remind each other of your positive qualities. Sharing your goals with other people in your life is usually a great first step to making them happen.
If youâre doing this on your own, consider using a book like Ten Days to Self-Esteem by David Burns. The noted Stanford psychiatrist walks you through several steps that help in gaining confidence, improving your sense of self-worth, and developing a positive outlook. The skills are applied broadly, but can definitely have romantic benefits. If your goal is really to just focus on skills that are dating specific, however, and to do so in person, you may want to consider working with Linx. We provide private, customized coaching sessions for clients on a regular basis, and would be happy to work with you in whatever way you might need.
Regardless of how you choose to do it, your entire life can benefit when you decide to work on your confidence and self-esteem. Even if you think youâre âdoing fineâ on issues of self worth, there isnât much of a downside to developing more confidence, and learning that itâs ok to feel truly good about yourself. We all have things about our bodies, our lives, and our personalities that weâd probably like to change, but we want the people in our lives to accept us for the qualities and attributes that wonât. You canât have what you donât ask for, and youâll never convincingly ask for a great relationship if itâs not something you believe you deserve. So learn to like yourself just as you are; learning to appreciate all that you have to offer is a key first step in finding a relationship that is real, deep, and everlasting.
 
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