San Francisco Dating Service

Here’s what the science says about coming on too strong…

How often has the following happening to you:

Your great date has suddenly disappeared.

  • You always initiate contact with the person you’re trying to see.
  • You’ve heard “I’m just not ready” or “I think we’re moving too fast” within the first few dates.

If this sounds familiar, you’re probably coming on too strong. This type of oversharing can be attributed to the misalignment between how someone sees themselves versus how others perceive them. At University of Texas, researchers applied the self-verification theory to explain why people continually overshare. In an effort to get people to view them the way they view themselves, some people reveal too much too soon–overly personal details, traumas, and strong feelings.

To feel happier, people want to be viewed the same way they view themselves. The person who comes on too strong believes he or she is putting your anxiety at ease by confessing their own feelings. That person believes he or she is providing important information you need to have right away, because he sees himself as a romantic or someone in love. If the feelings are unrequited, or incongruence happens, the self-verification theory notes that the oversharer will experience a negative outcome.

People who come on too strong tend to keep doing so, because they believe–on a fundamental level–that they are doing the right thing and when incongruence strikes, it’s especially debilitating because it jeopardizes the way the person sees himself.

So, how do I know if I’m coming on too strong?

Take a minute to evaluate your date’s responses. Did your date ask you lots of questions? Did (s)he initiate kissing, touching, or contact of any kind? Did (s)he propose a time or place to get together again? If not, slow down the pace until you see reciprocal positive signs that invite attention.

But, what’s the problem with telling someone how I feel?

There’s nothing wrong with sharing feelings, but it’s in your best interest to apply some objective, non-emotional thinking to ground you. For example, it’s been two dates, and you’re feeling very interested. Understand that the other person involved only knows you as much as he or she has experienced with you to that point. That person won’t know that you’ve turned down countless dates or are hard to get; they only know that it’s been a short period of time, and that’s all it took to win you over.

Without having had to “earn” your affection with positive behavior or sufficient time to show you who he or she really is, the other person won’t be able to figure out a legitimate reason for you to have such strong feelings.

When someone says too much too soon, it suggests an immediate need to fill a void versus a well-considered, intentional selection based on someone’s unique character. Just as you wouldn’t want to feel like your partner could be with anyone, and that you were just the first to come along, you shouldn’t give any reason for the person you’re dating to feel this way.

So, when should I express my feelings?

There is no “right” time to voice strong feelings. The only “right” thing to do is to try to understand what your true motivation is for doing so. Are these strong initial feelings stemming from a place of neediness? Has it been a while since you’ve met someone halfway decent? If you feel a sense of urgency to share the love, spend time figuring out the why.

 

Former American Diplomat seeks his traditional match 25-35 years old

 

iStock-697044734 copy.jpgWe are thrilled to announce a new search for our international bachelor. Our client is a true renaissance man. He’s a 38-year-old 6ft former Ivy League football player with a Yugoslavian mother and African American father.  He is a mix between Jason Bourne and Marty Khan and has served as a Counterintelligence Officer in the US military, been an American Diplomat, and now works as an international management consultant for a top 5 firm in the Mid East.

He combines a Hollywood smile and a movie star’s charisma with an endless supply of energy and an engineer’s intellectual curiosity.  The man is polished, erudite, and displays the manners and global savvy of the experienced diplomat he is.  Although high strung, he is gregarious, engaging, and the kind of guy that makes toddlers smile and giggle when he greets them (he once worked as a kindergarten teacher in his early 20s).

He’s handsome with a mischievous aurora and is a true globetrotter that has been to over 117 countries.  In addition to being an avid tennis enthusiastic he provides tutoring and mentorship to inner-city kids wanting to attend elite schools.
Currently based in a booming Middle East hub with an amazing expatriate package that includes ½ a floor at a five-star hotel, household staff, driver, and private school for the kiddies when you have them. After serving his country in several global hotspots he is now ready to settle down and be the family man that he always wanted to be.  He is a traditionalist and is comfortable being the breadwinner for the family but is also open to a careerist partner.

His ideal match is between the ages of 25-35, open on her heritage, although leans towards exotic, in shape, and with feminine curves. She is engaging, interesting, humble, loyal, an optimistic by nature, and prefers a traditional man. As our client is current based in the Middle East, this candidate needs to be open to travel and possible relocation.

If you or anyone you know might make a great fit for this gentleman, please email Amy directly at: amy@linxdating.com Thank you!

Are you dating a narcissist? Watch out for these signs

If your partner is constantly seeking attention, validation, or admiration while keeping your needs secondary, you could be dating a narcissist. The narcissism diagnosis gets tossed around frequently, so it can be difficult to differentiate between a true narcissist and someone who just loves attention. To know if you’re dating a narcissist, look out for the following signs:

Grandiose Personality—Your partner believes that he or she is the reason other people are leading better lives. Because they believe they are more important than everyone else, it’s challenging for them to fathom how other people could survive without their contributions.

What this could look like: When your partner discusses a work project, he takes credit for the final product without any acknowledgement of colleagues. He tries to tell you that despite everyone pushing back or “getting in his way”, he single-handedly found the answer.

Grand displays of affection (initially)—If your partner laid it on thick in the beginning—i.e. flowers, gifts, or saying “I love you” soon after meeting—you experienced what psychologists call “love bombing”. This technique is used to move the relationship forward quickly, but on a false pretense—one that is self-serving as opposed to genuine.

What this could look like: You were swept off your feet, but that narrative quickly changed when you communicated needs of your own. The exchange of gifts comes easily, but the exchange of real communication has barriers.

Your partner is living in a fantasy—Since reality doesn’t back up that grandiose personality, your partner will create a narrative that does. You might hear your partner tell stories that speak to unlimited power, brilliance, or importance. These stories are protective mechanisms to help offset shame or a lack of self worth.

What this could look like: Your partner tells a story about that time she got a scholarship to an ivy league school, but she doesn’t end up going. When you ask why she took out loans to attend a state school instead, she becomes furious and combative. Your innocent question is met with rage and anger, as it potentially challenges her fantasy.

You partner turns the conversation on you—Whenever you discuss a problem with your partner or have some constructive criticism, the conversation seems to be redirected at you. A narcissistic person will try to make you feel guilty, overly sensitive, or just plain wrong about the issues you’re experiencing. Gaslighting is the formal term that describes this kind of emotional devaluation technique.

What this could look like: You tell your partner that you are upset when she shows up late for plans. Instead of apologizing or offering up a reason, she flips the conversation on you. She might say something like, “Why are you so controlling?” or “Would be really great if you could loosen up”. Gaslighters know that if you question your own feelings, you will continue to doubt yourself and the poor treatment you are receiving.

Your partner is a bully—To affirm those feelings of superiority, narcissists will frequently demean others. Your partner harbors a fragile self esteem so tearing people down—especially publically—is a way to preserve his sense of self.

What this could look like: The waiter delivers the wrong meal to your table. Instead of asking for a replacement, your partner escalates the situation from mistake to confrontation. After embarrassing the waiter and asserting dominance, your partner will not feel any shame or remorse for making a scene.

 

Seeking an accomplished single female of integrity, grace, and beauty for our exceptional 30-something bachelor

Linx is looking for single females between the ages of 25-33 years old for our mid-30’s bachelor residing in Southern California. We are happy to send details about our bachelor to qualifying candidates. To say he is exceptional, worldly, cute, highly educated, and super successful would be an understatement!

Are you 25-33 years old and….

– smart and educated / highly accomplished
– funny (as in sense of humor)
– caring and tender
– elegant, stylish, very feminine
– passionate, ambitious, sense of adventure and wonderment

Please email any leads to amy@linxdating.com  There is a small window open in our clients life and the next woman he meets and ends up in a relationship with will absolutely result in marriage. Timing is everything!

 

 

The current state of the matchmaking industry from an insiders perspective

It’s 2018 and I can officially say I am obsessed with being a matchmaker. It’s incredibly hard to believe that I have been running my niche business since December 2003. I will never forget the day that I walked into my former boss’s office at Merrill Lynch and told him I was quitting to become a professional matchmaker. I think his head fell off and rolled across the floor in shock. But it was the right move. I wasn’t happy in financial services. It was neither my calling nor what I was meant to do. I knew deep down in my core that I would start my own company one day and succeed at it – I believed in myself. In the same vein, and at the beginning of another year, I encourage you to believe in yourself. To achieve your dreams, whether professional, personal (e.g. meeting an exceptional life partner), or a combination, you need to believe in your ideas and have a solid confidence.

 

I am writing this particular blog entry to address the state of the matchmaking industry, as I see it. I’d like to think I have a good sense of, and some deep insights into, this space.  My livelihood is my business – I have been at this for 14 years, it runs deep in my blood, and it has been an integral piece of my life’s journey. At the beginning of a new year, I want to share my thoughts with all of you.

 

Not to sugarcoat anything, I have been very disappointed reading the press coverage of many matchmakers over the last several years – last year’s news, in particular, struck a chord with me. Something is just plain wrong with so many of the “high-end” matchmakers and “not so high-end” matchmakers out there – the vast majority of them are volume-driven businesses who’s business ethics are very questionable.

 

As a business owner, I have learned some of my greatest lessons over the last 14 years. A big one is not to take someone on board as a client if I can’t deliver. Seems pretty basic right? Contrary to this principle, matchmakers for the masses (and those handful who claim they are “elite” but have zero filtering or curation), are extremely focused on total revenue. I get it. It’s so tempting when running a business, whether big or small.   BUT I can proudly say that I have worked extremely hard via science (my database) and art (my heart and intuition) to truly “cherry pick” the best of the best clients whom I know I can match and with whom I know I can work. Emphasis on whom I know I can match!

 

Thus, one of the most critical distinctions between Linx Dating and pretty much any of the dating services available domestically and internationally is that we actually turn away a lot of incoming demand. To reiterate, why would I turn away these prospective male and female clients who can help me increase my business revenue? For starters, Linx prides itself in representing a very select group of clientele. There are other matchmakers that make these claims, but I can assure you that the majority of these firms have a revenue model that basically requires them to take all of the business that comes through their door. It is precisely THIS model that gets these other business into serious trouble when they cannot deliver results. In addition to this, a large complaint is that when the matchmakers work with so many clients, it is extremely hard for the client to feel any connection to the team or that anyone really knows or remembers them.

 

The news that I have been reading, and the stories that I keep hearing, involve nasty lawsuits where disgruntled high profile clients file claims against matchmakers time and time again. What are the root causes of most of these cases?

 

  • Matchmakers taking on clients that they probably should not have.

For example, some clients will never be satisfied under any circumstances. Maybe they have unrealistic goals, or haven’t really thought about the most important qualities they want in a match, and this makes it impossible for the matchmaker to ever deliver, as they in search of glorified unicorns that do not exist.

 

  • Due to (1), Matchmakers are under pressure to make introductions that are often so patently “bad” that the client freaks out at the quality of match.

 

“Bad” could be a long list of reasons, with characteristics ranging from undesirable to unacceptable: e.g. the introduction is unemployed, a drug user, a sex offender, convicted criminals….the list goes on and on. Firms do these set-ups like this with random people to meet the quota of introductions for the client. It is a very bad, often times unethical, business that makes this industry at large look bad!

 

I have never been consumed by trying to grow my business to some massively large scale operation and becoming a victim of image, keeping up with the Joneses, or trying to be something I am not.  There’s plenty of matchmakers doing PR campaigns posing in front of fancy cars, private planes, using waifish models to bait men, and bragging about the last names of some of their clientele to the media (which is also a breach in confidentiality mind you.) Instead of resorting to these tactics, I have worked very hard to maintain my core values and business standards throughout the years. While no one is perfect and, sure, I have made my fair number of mistakes along this journey, I know I have done and continue to do a superb job of try to make my corner of this industry shine with integrity while staying true to who I am.

 

If it wasn’t already looking so grim, other matchmakers I’ve read about have chosen to launder money when it was meant for donations to charity, or taken all the membership money, and essentially disappear on some island, all while not returning worried clients’ phone calls, and often literally not even delivering on promised introductions.

 

And then there are other matchmakers who loathe the success and positive media attention of their competitors so much that they resort to guerilla tactics that I have had to deal with over and over again in my business – e.g. false reviews posted on Yelp from “people” who were never even clients. “Trying to get everyone to like you is a sign of mediocrity.” -Colin Powell

 

To thrive in business and life, one must be prepared for critics and for those who wish to see you fail. While it can feel very out-of-control in the moment when it is happening, the silver living becomes your greatest blessing. The silver lining is the motive of the competitor. Envy. They recognize something great, likely question “how” such a small, niche business has managed to get to where it’s at, and want to copy its success. There really is no greater compliment than a person wanting to model your success.

 

As you are possibly researching matchmakers to hire, I encourage you to meet with many and do your due diligence. Do meet and greets, ask them questions, see which ones feel right, ask if they offer references (often we cannot, due to the strict privacy policy, but sometimes a client is willing to speak), and most importantly follow your gut. Just like I tell my clients when they are on dates, study your date’s body language, look into their eyes. What feeling are you getting? Is it a good one where your intuition is telling you to keep exploring the chemistry over the course of future dates or does something feel off?

 

The greatest lesson I have learned is never to ignore your intuition. There is a reason we human beings have it. My biggest regrets, and luckily they are few and far between, have been going against my intuition in business hires or in admitting a client or two whom I definitely should not have. So I encourage you to do the same, listen to what your heart and mind tell you.

 

While I continue to try to make a positive impact on the matchmaking industry, I wish you a strong start to your New Year filled with health, peace, prosperity, and clarity into your love lives in 2018!

International VIP seeks his lady love

 

arabic-love.jpgWe are excited to announce a new VIP search for an international, distinguished gentleman in his late 30’s who is searching the world for his forever match.

Hailing from the Middle East and based in Dubai, our client is a successful entrepreneur and real estate developer. In between developing projects that define the sparkling, urban landscapes of the modern Middle East, our client leads the quiet life. He enjoys the calm of the early morning, the peace of ocean waves rolling into a remote beach, the soft hum of nature in a mountain landscape. He is a voracious reader (mostly non-fiction) and a lover of Arabic music.

Standing at 5’10″, with a full head of dark salt and pepper hair and a broad figure, he is comfortable in shorts, wears the traditional Kandura when in the UAE, and speaks Arabic.

Above all else, our client values his family and friends and is eager to welcome a woman and partner into his community. His friends and family describe him as strong, calm, motivated, and affectionate. He is loyal beyond compare.

toa-heftiba-257395 copy.jpg

His ideal match is 24-35 years old, who is passionate about life and her career. She is educated, stylish, and is attracted to the strongest man in the room. He is excited to meet someone who is loving, kind-hearted, and family-centric. Our client is eager to find a loving soul like his; his ideal match is thoughtful and deliberate about all her decisions.

Our client’s ideal match also understands Arabic and lives in California, Europe, or the Middle East. She is thrilled by the idea of traveling the world, owning multiple homes, and raising children in the rich Arabic tradition.

Linx Dating is elated to conduct a broad search for our exclusive VIP. We are eager to meet women from diverse backgrounds, and learn more about how they may be a perfect match for our latest VIP client.

If you or anyone you know might make the perfect match for this VIP, please contact our founder Amy at amy@linxdating.com and tell her about yourself. NO FEES for qualifying candidates. What are you waiting for? Fall in love through Linx….

Recruiting ambitious single men for our gifted mathematician and scientist bachelorette

Our client is an elegant and bright 25-year old who was born and raised in the suburbs of the San Francisco Bay Area. At first glance, her long caramel-brown curly hair complemented by her glimmering emerald green eyes on her petite yet curvy 5’4” frame will take you away.

Professionally, this candidate is a gifted mathematician and scientist. She studied her BSc in mathematics from Stanford University and is mid-way through her PhD in the medical sciences from an Ivy League.

Our bachelorette speaks 4 languages (English, French, Farsi, Spanish) and has a love for traveling to culturally rich countries such as to Argentina, Germany, and Dubai, and also loves photography and fashion. She is family-oriented and is looking for her soul mate to embrace with him all the joys of life.

Although she’s pursuing a PhD on the East Coast, she is very dedicated to pursuing a serious relationship as a top priority regardless of where her match is geographically.

Her best-suited match is an ambitious and successful guy of Middle Eastern or Caucasian heritage. He is between the ages of 26 and 40 and has a vision to lead and is family-focused. He is kind and romantic, and has a love for traveling. He is ready for commitment and building a family together.

If you or anyone you know might make a brilliant match for this stunning young lady, please email our founder Amy at: amy@linxdating.com