relationships

Here’s what the science says about coming on too strong…

How often has the following happening to you:

Your great date has suddenly disappeared.

  • You always initiate contact with the person you’re trying to see.
  • You’ve heard “I’m just not ready” or “I think we’re moving too fast” within the first few dates.

If this sounds familiar, you’re probably coming on too strong. This type of oversharing can be attributed to the misalignment between how someone sees themselves versus how others perceive them. At University of Texas, researchers applied the self-verification theory to explain why people continually overshare. In an effort to get people to view them the way they view themselves, some people reveal too much too soon–overly personal details, traumas, and strong feelings.

To feel happier, people want to be viewed the same way they view themselves. The person who comes on too strong believes he or she is putting your anxiety at ease by confessing their own feelings. That person believes he or she is providing important information you need to have right away, because he sees himself as a romantic or someone in love. If the feelings are unrequited, or incongruence happens, the self-verification theory notes that the oversharer will experience a negative outcome.

People who come on too strong tend to keep doing so, because they believe–on a fundamental level–that they are doing the right thing and when incongruence strikes, it’s especially debilitating because it jeopardizes the way the person sees himself.

So, how do I know if I’m coming on too strong?

Take a minute to evaluate your date’s responses. Did your date ask you lots of questions? Did (s)he initiate kissing, touching, or contact of any kind? Did (s)he propose a time or place to get together again? If not, slow down the pace until you see reciprocal positive signs that invite attention.

But, what’s the problem with telling someone how I feel?

There’s nothing wrong with sharing feelings, but it’s in your best interest to apply some objective, non-emotional thinking to ground you. For example, it’s been two dates, and you’re feeling very interested. Understand that the other person involved only knows you as much as he or she has experienced with you to that point. That person won’t know that you’ve turned down countless dates or are hard to get; they only know that it’s been a short period of time, and that’s all it took to win you over.

Without having had to “earn” your affection with positive behavior or sufficient time to show you who he or she really is, the other person won’t be able to figure out a legitimate reason for you to have such strong feelings.

When someone says too much too soon, it suggests an immediate need to fill a void versus a well-considered, intentional selection based on someone’s unique character. Just as you wouldn’t want to feel like your partner could be with anyone, and that you were just the first to come along, you shouldn’t give any reason for the person you’re dating to feel this way.

So, when should I express my feelings?

There is no “right” time to voice strong feelings. The only “right” thing to do is to try to understand what your true motivation is for doing so. Are these strong initial feelings stemming from a place of neediness? Has it been a while since you’ve met someone halfway decent? If you feel a sense of urgency to share the love, spend time figuring out the why.

 

Linx Dating Mixer Recap…A Night to Remember ❤️🍾…

IMG_5562-MW.jpgOn November 15th, Linx hosted an exclusive and invite-only soiree at the chic new Park James Hotel in Menlo Park. Around 80+ guests mingled with one another and enjoyed an evening of cocktails and conversation. The party started at 6pm and wrapped around 9pm with every guest receiving a very generous gift bag filled with treats from our sponsors (certificate from Illuminate Plastic Surgery, Elisha Marie skin care, Brava oven, Essentique body oil, Glassy Baby, a 375 ML of Absolut Elyx, and a gorgeous Silicon Valley Magazine to top things off.

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Linx is very grateful to the incredible staff at the Park James for hosting our group and for our exceptionally generous sponsor, Pernod Ricard, pouring amazing drinks all night.  Guests got to sip creative libations titled “Silicon Spritz” (Absolut Elyx vodka, Lillet Rose, and Tonic) and “It’s a Match” (Avion Silver tequila, lime, pineapple, with an optional Perrier Jouet float) to name two.

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A certain celebrity guest graced the party named Li Lou the pig. Why not throw a pig in the mix and shake up a traditional mixer and provide the ultimate ice breaker and reason to smile?!

IMG_5569-MW.jpgWe received lovely emails from many guests after commenting on the evening:

“Thank you for the most festive and wonderful  party ! I loved every minute of it.
Great hotel, divine food and wine, special and very interesting group of successful people, generous gift bags, but most of all- You-…kind and welcoming everyone !
What a special and memorable evening!”
“Dear Amy…thank you for hosting and inviting me to a fabulous mixer! It was chic, elegant,. glamorous, and classy…I had a great time!”
Hi Amy, thanks again for inviting me to your party! I had a great time and met some great people. I gave my card out to two people. We shall see if they would like to connect. I would have liked to talk to others but you can’t talk to everyone!” 
Thanks so much for including me in the happy hour last night.  Quality people and good to meet some of your happy clients.  I told a few “prospects” at the event that you are very professional and they should consider your services, including how the business is at capacity and wait-listed. 🙂  Many of us discussed having had sub-par experiences on dating apps and not being able to meet people in our own work circles, so Linx is a significantly BETTER choice.  I also reviewed Linx 5-stars on Yelp.”
“Nice to see you on Thursday. Thanks so much! I loved the pig too:)” 
“Hi Amy, thank you for inviting me to your event. I met three wonderful women there. Perhaps one of them will work out to be my partner. On par with your Stanford country club event.” 
If you would like too be considered for future private events of Linx, please email our founder.
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Linx Reviews

“For a person generally recognized as the Silicon Valley matchmaker, Amy’s approach is decidedly traditional. At first glance, you might wonder if this difference is what enables Amy to succeed where online dating and other matchmaking services have failed. After working with Amy, though, it becomes apparent that her approach is a natural outcome of what truly makes her great–her drive to invest time and energy in each and every client she takes on. Amy’s intelligence and creativity allow her to translate this passion into tangible results regardless of what an individual client’s needs may be. My only regret in working with Amy is that I didn’t start sooner!

I note that most of the negative comments refer either to a) internet dating alternatives or b) Amy’s perceived prioritization of higher-fee clients. All I can say is this: Amy would be the first to tell you that her service is best used as a supplement to rather than a replacement for online dating; and if you’re shocked that a service provider spends more time on clients that pay more, you might have a different understanding of business than I do.”

 

“I recently attended one of Amy’s events and had the opportunity to meet a group of lovely people that she brought together. They were well accomplished, interesting and warm. Amy was a wonderful hostess and always made sure that my champagne glass was full.

Amy has always been professional, warm and generous with her time and resources. It is clear why she is so successful at what she does because she appears to be committed to helping her clients.”

 

“Amy is amazing. Very professional matchmaker with an extensive network. She zeros in on what you are looking for. All the people she introduces are high quality, no sketchy weirdos so it saves a LOT of time and effort in the emotional process of dating, especially for us busy professionals. It’s only about whether there’s chemistry between you and your match – and that’s up to the universe. Highly recommend!” 

Former American Diplomat seeks his traditional match 25-35 years old

 

iStock-697044734 copy.jpgWe are thrilled to announce a new search for our international bachelor. Our client is a true renaissance man. He’s a 38-year-old 6ft former Ivy League football player with a Yugoslavian mother and African American father.  He is a mix between Jason Bourne and Marty Khan and has served as a Counterintelligence Officer in the US military, been an American Diplomat, and now works as an international management consultant for a top 5 firm in the Mid East.

He combines a Hollywood smile and a movie star’s charisma with an endless supply of energy and an engineer’s intellectual curiosity.  The man is polished, erudite, and displays the manners and global savvy of the experienced diplomat he is.  Although high strung, he is gregarious, engaging, and the kind of guy that makes toddlers smile and giggle when he greets them (he once worked as a kindergarten teacher in his early 20s).

He’s handsome with a mischievous aurora and is a true globetrotter that has been to over 117 countries.  In addition to being an avid tennis enthusiastic he provides tutoring and mentorship to inner-city kids wanting to attend elite schools.
Currently based in a booming Middle East hub with an amazing expatriate package that includes ½ a floor at a five-star hotel, household staff, driver, and private school for the kiddies when you have them. After serving his country in several global hotspots he is now ready to settle down and be the family man that he always wanted to be.  He is a traditionalist and is comfortable being the breadwinner for the family but is also open to a careerist partner.

His ideal match is between the ages of 25-35, open on her heritage, although leans towards exotic, in shape, and with feminine curves. She is engaging, interesting, humble, loyal, an optimistic by nature, and prefers a traditional man. As our client is current based in the Middle East, this candidate needs to be open to travel and possible relocation.

If you or anyone you know might make a great fit for this gentleman, please email Amy directly at: amy@linxdating.com Thank you!

FOR SINGLE WOMEN AGES 40-60

Our client is 57, but looks 47, 6’5”, 225, mesomorph without a workout fetish. He’s follically evolved, has kind green eyes, and a dazzling smile behind his Italian lips that masks the PTSD he experienced as a child with an army of metal wires in his mouth. Midwestern to the core, he still lives and dies home state sports and travels back regularly for games and to visit family. A man’s man, he always counseled his sisters never to trust an American who didn’t like football or a European who didn’t like football (the real kind).

He is overeducated. B.A (yes A) Mathematics, MS and PhD with a four-syllable major from Stanford. Tenured at a very prestigious university in the Bay Area. His motto is “Those that can do, those that can’t teach, and those that can’t do either become administrators”. He has compensated for his faculty salary (he told us “it’s good for the soul”), by founding successful startups and advising major corporations in technical intellectual property.  He’s also stepped in same, advising VC’s and Hedge Funds for over two decades.  Currently he is advising/BOD member of 4 startups in series A and B rounds.  La ti da.

But that’s not all. He plays jazz piano (and actually gets paid to do it) at venues in the Bay Area. He received his music education from a well-known music conservatory in the last century and often waxes poetic about the past (he’s truly an old soul). He also is an accomplished ballroom dancer, having won dance contests in dive bars over the years.  And there’s more yet. He also played D1 sports in college. His passion now is golf, holding a 3 handicap. However, don’t worry, he only plays about once or twice a week. He’s almost always the life-of-the-party and can regale you with life experiences such as searching for buried treasure on three continents.

He’s a grateful empty nester. He was married for 14 years, and is devoted to his son who is a college sophomore in southern California focused on baseball, study and girls (but not necessarily in that order).  He’s anticipating the next stage of his life and would love to find his muse. He’s looking for someone who is a yin to his yang. His ideal woman would be 40-60 years old, have humor, kindness, and be down-to-earth. She’s honest, adoring, fun, compassionate, and has sex appeal–perhaps a cross between Madeline Kahn and Sofia Vergara.

If you or anyone you know might make an exceptional match for our dynamic client, please email founder/CEO Amy at: amy@linxdating.com

Thank you and have a great holiday weekend! ❤️✈️😘✨

2 Chainz and Wale Meet the ‘Cupid of Silicon Valley’ aka ‘Shorty’ ;-)

My 2 Chainz Most Expensivest episode is finally here! 2 Chainz has his own thoughts about the service, aiming a suggestion at the viewers who might be on the lookout:

“If you ugly and got low self esteem, you better get you some money. There ain’t no ugly billionaires. Billionaires is cute […] Get yourself some money and for the low price of half a million dollars, you too can buy yourself a wife.”    

Love how Chainz called me ‘Shorty’- I think my business card needs a new title! And yes Wale, I think there needs to be an HBO special about this too!

 

Are you dating a narcissist? Watch out for these signs

If your partner is constantly seeking attention, validation, or admiration while keeping your needs secondary, you could be dating a narcissist. The narcissism diagnosis gets tossed around frequently, so it can be difficult to differentiate between a true narcissist and someone who just loves attention. To know if you’re dating a narcissist, look out for the following signs:

Grandiose Personality—Your partner believes that he or she is the reason other people are leading better lives. Because they believe they are more important than everyone else, it’s challenging for them to fathom how other people could survive without their contributions.

What this could look like: When your partner discusses a work project, he takes credit for the final product without any acknowledgement of colleagues. He tries to tell you that despite everyone pushing back or “getting in his way”, he single-handedly found the answer.

Grand displays of affection (initially)—If your partner laid it on thick in the beginning—i.e. flowers, gifts, or saying “I love you” soon after meeting—you experienced what psychologists call “love bombing”. This technique is used to move the relationship forward quickly, but on a false pretense—one that is self-serving as opposed to genuine.

What this could look like: You were swept off your feet, but that narrative quickly changed when you communicated needs of your own. The exchange of gifts comes easily, but the exchange of real communication has barriers.

Your partner is living in a fantasy—Since reality doesn’t back up that grandiose personality, your partner will create a narrative that does. You might hear your partner tell stories that speak to unlimited power, brilliance, or importance. These stories are protective mechanisms to help offset shame or a lack of self worth.

What this could look like: Your partner tells a story about that time she got a scholarship to an ivy league school, but she doesn’t end up going. When you ask why she took out loans to attend a state school instead, she becomes furious and combative. Your innocent question is met with rage and anger, as it potentially challenges her fantasy.

You partner turns the conversation on you—Whenever you discuss a problem with your partner or have some constructive criticism, the conversation seems to be redirected at you. A narcissistic person will try to make you feel guilty, overly sensitive, or just plain wrong about the issues you’re experiencing. Gaslighting is the formal term that describes this kind of emotional devaluation technique.

What this could look like: You tell your partner that you are upset when she shows up late for plans. Instead of apologizing or offering up a reason, she flips the conversation on you. She might say something like, “Why are you so controlling?” or “Would be really great if you could loosen up”. Gaslighters know that if you question your own feelings, you will continue to doubt yourself and the poor treatment you are receiving.

Your partner is a bully—To affirm those feelings of superiority, narcissists will frequently demean others. Your partner harbors a fragile self esteem so tearing people down—especially publically—is a way to preserve his sense of self.

What this could look like: The waiter delivers the wrong meal to your table. Instead of asking for a replacement, your partner escalates the situation from mistake to confrontation. After embarrassing the waiter and asserting dominance, your partner will not feel any shame or remorse for making a scene.