Observations from a Single Dad in the Bay Area Dating Scene

 

In 2014, I became single after the completion of a thirteen-year relationship, which included eight years of marriage. These days I’m a 43-year old single dad with two girls, ages five and eight, navigating a dating scene that has changed quite a bit since 2001. Amy asked me to write about some of my observations, which I thought would be fun. Naturally, what has worked for me may not work for others and these are just some of my thoughts at this point in time. I’m sure that as I continue to learn and grow my thoughts will also evolve.

 

• Dating Experience as a Single Dad: Within a few months of becoming single, I started dating again. Of course, I didn’t know it at the time but I wasn’t ready emotionally at all! Looking back though I think it was important to just get out and meet women. I was honest about my situation with those that I met. Shortly thereafter, I found myself in a nine-month relationship, which ended up really helping me to get back on my feet. Since then I’ve been on over thirty dates and while none have panned out from a relationship perspective it has provided me with experiences that I’ve used to help narrow my focus on what I’m really looking for in a partner.

Key Takeaways: Just get out of the house and have fun! Don’t overthink things. Every date doesn’t have to be a perfect match and it is likely that with each date you will learn about something new and will grow as a person. I’ve been on dates including night swimming at Aquatic Park, rock climbing, cycling, hiking, running, formal events and more – all with women that I barely knew. I would have never experienced any of these fun events if I didn’t just get out of the house!

 

• Online Dating: Of course, back in 2001 there was no such thing as online dating. Sure, you could have surfed the personals in the SF Weekly or Bay Guardian, but that wasn’t something that was done by anyone that I knew. It was really all about getting out and making a real effort to meet women in person. No texting – we would exchange numbers and leave voicemail messages. How fun it was to experience the suspense of waiting for a woman to return a message on the answering machine! Or coming home and asking your roommates, “Did she call?” Sadly, these days if you leave a voicemail instead of a text it seems most women would think you’re crazy.

The biggest issue I have with online dating is that no matter what the person looks like or writes like or even talks like on the phone, you just don’t know how it’s going to work out until you meet in person. This is a very time-consuming process because you end up going out with a lot of women that you would have never gone out with had you met the old-fashioned way to begin with. And while there is a plus side to this in terms of life experience and learning about new people as I described above, the downside is a seemingly constant state of not expressing interest in someone else, or vice versa. Even though everyone knows the process, it can still be a little disheartening, especially when you meet a really nice person and you wish the chemistry could just be there!

I also think that online dating presents a false sense of choice. Yes, there are tons of women that you could go out with, but really there’s only a tiny fraction that you would be compelled to see again after a first date, or vice versa.

Key Takeaways: Online dating can be useful and fun for an immediate high volume approach, but it can also be a time sink. Try to take it in bite sized chunks – do it for two or three months, then take a break. Or better yet, join an outdoor club/team (running, cycling, rock climbing, etc.) Prospects seem to be much better when meeting in the real world through a common acivitity. And in any case, if you meet someone that you really like, put real effort into making time for that person in your life. Don’t take those opportunities for granted and don’t play games.

 

• Be Kind to Yourself: Shouldn’t life become easier and less complicated as we become older and wiser? While you’d think this would be the case, in terms of relationships we sometimes carry fears with us from prior experiences that can take a long time to heal. But don’t worry – we’re all in the same boat. So, if you’ve ever been in love, be elated that you had it while you did, and if you’ve never been in love remain hopeful because everyone deserves to be in love. I say this because many of the women I’ve met tell me that they stuck around too long for a man that wouldn’t commit and now they’re left with little time to start a family. Regardless of any mistakes you’ve made in past relationships, acknowledge them but don’t dwell on them. Learn from them. We’ve all made fumbles in life and the best we can do is to not repeat history.

Key Takeaways: Everything is working out just the way it’s supposed to. Enjoy the journey! Once you do find love either again or for the first time you’ll be glad that you experienced everything that you did. It will all make sense when it’s said and done.

After writing this piece I’m not sure if I wrote it for you or me! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it. I’d also like to say in closing that some of the most remarkable women that I’ve met in the past three years have come through Amy’s service. So, if Amy has a suggested date for you, try not to second guess it. Just go for it and increase your chances of finding love.

How I Found My Husband in San Francisco…

After several years of fun, but unsuccessful husband hunting in San Francisco, I discovered that the love of my life lived only 2 blocks away. Dating pretty much every single college-educated guy over 6 feet tall in New York and San Francisco during my 20s was a thrill! Meeting men through friends, in bars, and on Match, Tinder and eHarmony, I certainly met my fair share of men who never asked questions, expected to split the check on a first date, older men who claimed to be around my age, and extremely short men who claimed to be over 6 feet. Despite a few uncomfortable conversations and awkward hugs, I feel so fortunate to have met so many interesting men, several of whom have become good friends and business contacts. Most importantly, my active dating life enabled me to determine exactly the type of man who would be my ideal match. All I needed to do was find him…

I remember feeling frustrated when people told me that I would only find someone when I stopped looking. How can you find someone when you’re not looking? As I approached my late 20s, I decided to take this advice, but with a twist. I deleted my dating accounts and stopped going out as much socially. I also worked with Amy Andersen to complete my ideal match profile, which helped me become very clear on the traits I valued most in a life partner. Instead of Tindering to find the tallest, hottest guy, I set forth my intention to the universe to find a loyal, intelligent, charismatic man, and I stopped looking for him.

To fill my free time, I pursued my two passions – rowing and yoga. I signed up for a 200-hour yoga teacher training and started a group of Bay Area women who rowed in college. Between work, yoga and the rowing group, I had virtually no time to date, and guess what? I met my husband right away. In the first 5 minutes of a co-ed rowing event I helped organize at an upscale bar near my office, my future husband and I locked eyes. Our chemistry was off the charts, and we quickly discovered that we had several common interests a ton of mutual friends in San Francisco.

After 6 months, I moved 2 blocks away into his apartment, after 9 months, we were engaged, and 2 years later, we are married. As cliché as it sounds to find your match when you aren’t looking, it’s exactly what happened to me. I feel so fortunate to be married to the man of my dreams, and I’d love to share some tips I learned along the way.

5 Tips to Meet your Ideal Match

1. Enjoy dating! Interacting with new people helps to broaden your horizons, learn more about yourself and the traits you value most in a partner, and to appreciate meeting the right person for you.   Especially in San Francisco, dating is an opportunity for you to grow both professionally and socially. In such a small city, you will run into former dates frequently, so focus on building a strong brand in the dating world. Your future husband may be your awkward Tinder date’s best friend! And meeting people through location-based apps like Tinder enable you to meet new friends and tour guides while traveling.

2. Identify the traits you value most in your ideal partner. Spend time thinking about similar traits in people you have dated, in your parents, and what you value most in a life partner. Be specific on the key traits, flexible on others, and understand your non-negotiables. Write everything down and discuss with friends, family, a therapist, or a matchmaker. Don’t write off someone whose company you enjoy just because they don’t check every box. It wasn’t until I became clear about what I wanted in a relationship and shared this vision with people that my ideal partner walked into my life.

3. Focus less on finding Mr. Right and more on becoming Ms. Right. Be the best version of yourself. We hear this advice all the time because it’s so true. If you aren’t into watching sports and you love running, join a running club instead of trying to meet men at a sports bar. I am not interested in watching sports and have been guilty of this many times! If you don’t like your job, get a new one. Don’t pretend to have your life together and rely on Mr. Right to fix your problems. We continue to work on ourselves throughout life, so get to a good place where you and your future partner can work on yourselves together.

4. Choose happiness! – Life is full of challenges. Make a conscious decision to be happy and stay positive though the worst of times. Radiant, happy women attract similar qualities in others. Be the happy, upbeat person people want to be around. Greet others with smiles and compliments. I have always found volunteering, celebrating others, and travel to lift my spirits and open my heart to endless gratitude. And it’s so easy to meet new people while volunteering and traveling!

5. Refine your body and mind. Exercise, drink more water, and get enough sleep. Your body will thank you, and fit, healthy people are valued in athletic cities like San Francisco. Attend classes and groups you enjoy, to meet like-minded people. Your husband may be waiting for you in your next boot camp, rock climbing or meditation class! Go outside, breathe deeply, feel the endorphins, and appreciate the natural beauty around us. Get into the best shape of your life, take care of yourself, and SHINE!

Christine is a 30-year-old, Ivy League educated, East Coast transplant in San Francisco.  She believes that the meaning of life is to love and be loved, and she is passionate about volunteering, technology and yoga

Fess Up

What would you do if someone you were dating didn’t tell you about a potentially devastating sexually transmitted disease they had in fear that you’d reject them from the start? We live in an era where STDs are rampant – some of these are curable and many are incurable such as HPV, herpes, and HIV/AIDS. Thousands of people find themselves single, searching, and living with incurable STDs everyday. These folks could be your neighbors, colleagues, fellow churchgoers, Soul Cycle patrons, former classmates, and potentially… your future lovers.

Today there are websites that are created for matching one STD carrier to another. It’s a smart way to date and not have to worry about a) having to disclose a dark secret about your personal life to someone who won’t understand and b) worrying about transmitting anything since you both might very well have the same STD (especially if you meet through sites like h-date.com). These sites create a community of like-minded people to feel normal again, sexy, desirable, supported, and safe.

Although there appear to be a lot of choices for meeting other educated professional men and women who share one’s same STD, many people opt-out of these community sites in favor of mainstream sites and apps like Match, Hinge, Tinder, and jDate. In theory there isn’t anything wrong with someone with an STD enjoying the benefits of these various sites/apps, or of working with a matchmaker, assuming they practice full disclosure with whomever they meet.

There is a lot of shame and regret involved with having an STD and a lot of folks never know the “right time” to communicate that they have contracted something awhile back. I know someone very well who met a seemingly amazing guy on one of these apps out there. He was the perfect on paper prototypical guy many girls would swoon over: Ivy League educated, founder/CEO resume, well-rounded, cute, affable, and well…she felt he could be “the one.” They enjoyed dinners out, laughed a lot, cooked together, and she even met some of his family members.

A red flag arose when he wanted to go exclusive early on. It seemed too good to be true to her- especially after so many misses happening with non-committal guys. He came on really strong, flowers on date two, lots of cuddling, consistent communication, wanting to see her, and what really felt like old-world courtship. Since she felt he could be too good to be true, she really didn’t want to mess things up with sex too soon. He didn’t pressure her, in fact, after many dates they didn’t even “go there.” She wanted to wait till she was really ready and sure that everything felt right.

About two months into dating pretty exclusively, he pulled out of nowhere a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on her. You know how someone can have a quick shift in personality and go from chill and fun one second to bizarre and distant the next? That’s precisely what he did to her. She called him out on it asking what was wrong. He grew increasingly weird that weekend afternoon and said that it wasn’t working between them. Wasn’t working, she thought? What on earth? Where’d he pull that crap from? They had just had a fantastic lunch with his family, held hands, kissed, and laughed about some silly inside joke.

She knew there was more to it and he was holding something back. Was it an ex? Was he not the guy he represented himself as online? Sadly it was the latter. After tears shed and arguing back and forth, he admitted that he was afraid to tell her that he has a serious STD and THAT was the reason he wanted to break-up. She couldn’t believe he had never disclosed that upfront. Every thought raced into her mind- could she have contracted the STD, what are the symptoms, why didn’t he tell her sooner, where are all the honest men out there…..

The saving grace was that they had never slept together nor been intimate in any way. She was able to breathe a huge sigh of relief and move on with her life in that regard. What bothered her beyond the momentary STD scare was the fact that yet another “douche bag” of a guy failed to be honest and upfront about something so serious.

A lesson here is that the devil really is in the details when you’re our there dating on your own. Although someone could appear dreamy and like a total Romeo online, tread extremely cautiously until you have fully gotten to know that person. A lot of people withhold life-threatening information in fear of rejection or simply hoping they don’t have to have the talk as it is “so heavy” and there is “never a good time.”

Be smart, wise, prudent, protective, and ask questions. Don’t be afraid to have the talk and be the first one to ask your partner if they have had an STD screening or an HIV test, and when they had their last test. If you’re getting serious and thinking about having sex, the only right way is to openly communicate with your partner and then go get tested together. I emphasize going together as some people say they will but never do.

There is never a right time to bring up if you have an STD or suspect you might. Bring it up early on (think date two or three time frame). If your date is supportive, awesome! There are lots of ways to have safe sex together without having to worry. If your date closes the loop from getting to know you further, I’m pretty sure they will be thankful you saved everyone time, energy, potential heartbreak or more by being upfront early on.

Why I stopped playing the numbers game

By: anonymous male, San Francisco

When I first rejoined the dating scene several years ago I followed the well-worn path of many other people my age and joined a handful of online dating sites. After a few false starts, a friend explained to me that I was completely doing online dating the wrong way. She said that it was a “numbers game”, and that I should try to go on multiple first dates a week, week after week, until I find “The One.” I didn’t realize at the time that this was how many people treated online dating in the Bay Area. I said, what the heck, and gave it a shot.

At the beginning I found it to be fun. I realized I was meeting people that I would have never met before, and this gave me a huge amount of confidence that I would run into the woman of my dreams. I also made two very good friends and met one woman with whom I had a multi-year relationship. Even though it didn’t work out, I am still grateful that she was in my life.

After some time of playing the numbers game, I became frustrated and disenchanted with the entire process. I started to realize I was going out on dates where nothing progressed beyond small talk and running through lists of shared hobbies and travel destinations. Even if we both felt there was the potential for something more, follow-on dates started becoming fewer and fewer, mostly due to scheduling conflicts, and that quickly became a lack of interest.

Worse, I realized that the disappearance of my date didn’t bother me, as I knew that there would be someone else who was, well, let’s just say a “swipe right” away. While intellectually I knew that this was the same thought process my date was going through, I still felt a bit icky about the whole experience. As a family-oriented guy that has been in long term relationships for the majority of my life, I felt that this isn’t the behavior of the man that I thought I was or wanted to be.

I could not understand how, with all of the opportunities to meet someone that were available to me, that it was so incredibly hard actually to meet someone. Recently an article appeared in the New York Times that spoke to how I felt. The author reaches the conclusion that all of the online dating technologies have caused us to think in terms of the “numbers game”, and that there was an infinite number of possible partners, and we should toss each aside until we find the perfect mate. If this is our dating mentality, why should we ever bother committing to a person, as a better option could be right around the corner?

I knew the numbers game didn’t work for me, and stopped playing some time ago. I started to pick up on when I was a participant in someone else’s rapid fire dating game, and was able to understand how it felt. When you are playing the numbers game, every person you date becomes a number and not a human being.

Whenever you go out on a date, you have to remember that the person sitting across from you is a person, like yourself, with their own hopes and dreams, anxieties and fears. They have felt both joy and hurt in relationships, and are very possibly hoping that the first date they are on, with you, right now, will be their last first date ever. I can’t think of a more disrespectful action than what most serial daters do, namely walk into the date with the intention of making a judgment in the first five minutes, then hopping back onto Tinder.

The numbers game causes you to focus on quickly observed superficial qualities, such as hobbies, material possessions, and clothing, rather than what really determines the suitability of a partner. The important stuff, like ability to communicate, shared values, empathy, and capacity to provide support in stressful situations, can’t be determined from only one date.

The numbers game relies upon the idea that not only there are an infinite number of partners, but also that you have an infinite amount of time. We don’t. As a guy in my mid 30’s, I for one don’t want to be an “old dad”, and want to be in good enough physical shape that, if I get to have children, I would not only play with my kids on the floor but also be able to walk any future daughters down the aisle when I am twice my current age.

Women, well, they have much more defined biological clocks, with 35 being the medically recognized fertility cliff. While the numbers game can go on forever, our bodies can’t.

There are some things I miss about rapid fire dating. I miss finding instant chemistry. I miss learning about someone’s way of viewing the world. I don’t think it works, however, and would much rather spend time getting to know a small number of quality people than get three cocktails a week with complete strangers.

Dating with Today’s Technologies from a Man’s Perspective

Luke Kilpatrick talks with Robert Scoble on dating in the modern era from a man’s perspective. This video covers how to improve your online profile, how to attract people into your world, apps that work (popular ones including Tinder and dealing with rejection). Furthermore, learning to attract the people you want in your life and asking the right questions when meeting someone new (in order to make that person associate you with a positive framework). Additionally how important it is to use “you” instead of lots of “I”‘s when writing your online profile and knowing the right photos to use for online, etc.

Luke talks to Robert about “the exclusive approach” for those types who want to attract the “top 10%” in their world through networks through Linx Dating. He says Linx is ideal for those who have done the self-improvement, are truly ready for something new, and something ultra personalized. As Robert mentions, Linx is created for executives…

The Pros and Cons of Online Dating

I‘m often asked if my clients should continue with online dating when they start their Linx memberships. If yes, what I feel is the biggest drawback to trying to find love on the Internet?

The biggest challenges are twofold – (1) the labor and time involved sifting through thousands of profiles; and (2) unverified information.

At the end of the day it is exhausting to have to sort through all of these profiles and to deal with the long, drawn out communication process of winks, emails, nudges, pokes, etc. But I think the bigger challenge is the fabrication of information on the site – you might be entering the online market with honest intentions of wanting to couple up and reach monogamy for the long term but you have no idea who is really on the other side.

It can be extremely disappointing not having the data and true insights into the person with whom you are communicating online and potentially to then meet in person. Is he/she as commitment minded as you or is he/she on the site to just “hook up” and be “super causal” where “sex is so easy” to get?

Online has helped create awareness for an offline, old world business like Linx but, on the other hand, it has caused people a lot of stress from the labor involved, fabrication of user profiles, no authenticating “who is who”, and often feeling online chemistry but offline when you meet is a whole other story.

At Linx, I personally get to know every new client and sit down with each member really delving deep so I can best help him/her…..at this stage in the game I’ve met thousands of people.

This week alone I have interviewed fascinating men and women (a venerable Silicon Valley techie, CEOs, and many other hard working dynamic types- in fact I am hoping to do a new blog entry about the SV legend asap). Something online cannot necessarily predict is chemistry. I understand human behavior and what makes two people mesh. Clients who have been doing a lot of high volume driven matchmaking online find the Linx approach and methodology particularly appealing and extremely personalized. This is after all about SLOWING DOWN and focusing on one extremely solid match at a time. I emphasize slowing down!

With the obvious perils into the world of online, I WOULD encourage you to keep your profiles up BUT the absolute key is to evaluate IF you have been getting the traction you desire. Are the “right” types for you landing in your inbox and if not, you should strongly consider doing a massive profile rewire to reboot yourself towards success.

We offer a lot of assistant as one of our many auxiliary services for clients at Linx to provide powerful insights into online dating. What will attract the man of your dreams and how do you hook them? What is a turn-off to women and a turn-on with profiles? Once you discover lots of emails in your inbox, what next? How to bridge online into real-life dating?

Amy Webb did a hilarious Ted Talk about hacking OK Cupid. The takeaway from her TED talk is that there is an algorithm for love, in fact it is something you write yourself. All you really have to do is figure out your ‘own’ framework and play by your own rules. Enjoy her talk below…insightful, funny, and provocative.

The Secrets Of Silicon Valley’s Dating Scene

BuzzFeed contacted me to introduce the journalist to a few of our clients who were willing to talk anonymously about the Silicon Valley dating scene. Here is what one young attorney in the Silicon Valley had to say….

There is saying amongst women trying to date in Silicon Valley: The odds are good, but the goods are odd. There are tons of guys, but they tend to be socially awkward, career-obsessed, and prone to a Peter Pan mentality.

What’s it like to try to find love in the Valley? This lawyer, in her early thirties and living in the heart of Silicon Valley, has tried everything: online dating, going to clubs, and even Linx Dating, a high-end Valley matchmaking service. On the condition of anonymity she agreed to tell all.

They call it “Man Jose,” and it is so true.

If you are even an average or above average female, finding a date isn’t an issue. You have a lot of guys you can go on dates with, but what makes it difficult is finding a viable partner. Most of the men went to Ivy League schools, are ambitious, and came out here because it’s the mecca of the tech world. There’s a great mix of guys from all over world, and there are interesting types of people to meet. That said, not a lot of them are viable. And the men that are viable know it.

A lot of them are socially awkward. They are extremely smart and logical and think, “I can apply that to a relationship and be rational and logical and that will work.” They don’t realize that as women, we can be emotional — a lot of guys don’t have tolerance for that.

A lot of people in the Valley have started meeting people through salsa dancing — it’s really big — and so much social awkwardness comes up. I don’t think a lot of guys even interact with women on a consistent basis. You dance with them and some actually shake. They can’t look you in the eye. They act like, “Oh my goodness, there is a woman who I’m touching.” They get super nervous. It makes it difficult to date someone who doesn’t even know how to act in a social context; it’s just frustrating.

I went on a date with a 25-year-old who told me in the beginning, “You are the second person I’ve ever gone on a date with. Ever.”

It was the worst date. It was clear he had never dated. He told me all these things that you wouldn’t ever disclose on a first date. It almost felt like an awkward high school setup; we met at this yogurt place. And that’s another thing — it’s not really typical to go on formal dates. Everyone does coffee for the first date. In other parts of the country, going to dinner is pretty standard; here, when a guy mentions dinner for a first date, it’s like, wow — that is shocking! Most people in the tech industry are very laid-back and don’t have a lot of time. The mentality is, “Am I going to invest in this or do sort of a pre-date?”

On dates, guys wear flip-flops, shorts, and jeans. It’s what they wear to work, so they think it translates to date attire — just wearing their scrubby clothes. I wear dresses when I met these guys. They don’t put in that effort.

Guys who are successful, who dress up, are good-looking, and who aren’t socially awkward are a rare breed. And they know it. They have a ton of choices. They’re the type that’s always looking for a better option. There are some like that in Silicon Valley, but I find a lot in San Francisco. I’ve been on dates with guys you would say are the “whole package,” and while they’re with you they literally look at other women as they walk away.

Guys in Silicon Valley spend lot of time on their career and don’t have time to devote to relationships. I’m a lawyer and I work a lot too; most tech guys I meet put in as many or more hours as I do. Sometimes when they have a deadline or are pushing out a product, for instance, they put in 90 hours. They typically say they would live at work if they could. A lot of big tech companies, like Google and LinkedIn, make it conducive to these guys spending every minute of their time there, with great perks like food and showers and the like.

The companies where they work promote a bubble mentality. There is an immaturity level that prevails — like they are trying to promote the idea that they are still in college. At Google they have Nerf gun wars. At work, their food is provided for them and they can, essentially, act like they are still in college. A lot of guys, even in their twenties and early thirties, have roommates even though they are making well over $100,000 a year. It makes it difficult to have a serious relationship.

There are two groups of guys. A lot of them are 23 to 28. They are into their career, and most are quite immature. And then there are a ton of early-forties guys who never married. They have waited and were starting companies and then they hit their forties and realized,”Now I’m ready to get married and have kids.”

These groups are the only two we get hit on by. Where are the early-thirties guys? We can’t figure it out. We don’t know where they hang out or what they do. Especially online, if a guy in his mid-thirties messages me, it’s a rarity. My friends and I are done dating anyone not in their thirties, and we don’t know where these guys are.

I’ve heard that San Francisco is known to be the number one city for gold diggers, but I haven’t observed that at all. It isn’t realistic, because if you live in this area you have to be able to make quite a bit of money — it’s very expensive. It’s actually the other way around: There are definitely very accomplished older professional women here. Older women are just picking up the 28-year-olds because they can. It is totally cougar central, and it’s hilarious.

Everywhere I go, it’s 23- and 24-year-olds. I’ll say, “You’re too young for me. It won’t work,” and they tell me, “I’ve dated older women, and it is so much better.” It’s pretty common. They’ll latch on to us, and they think, she’ll take care of me. They’re being taken care of at work, so why not be in a relationship where they’re taken care of too?

It’s so comical — to the point where when I go out, the first question is, “How old are you?” These younger guys try to persuade you that they really are mature, but they’re not. Some of them just latch on and are very persistent. It’s flattering, sure, but at the same time, it just doesn’t work.

A lot of guys have the mentality that they’ll wait and they’ll find the perfect woman. They don’t realize that relationships aren’t about perfection. At work, it’s all black and white. They say they love their job because it’s about fixing a problem and there is always a solution. They don’t realize that this isn’t how it works in real life.

Written by : Justine Sharrock for BuzzFeed

Follow me on Twitter @linxdating