matchmaker to the stars

The incurable new Bay Area bachelor

I wanted to post this story that was written many years ago on Linx Dating because it’s such a fascinating journey into human psychology and the extents that we go at Linx for our clients. The reporter traveled with the Linx team to New York to document what you will read below and spent many weeks studying us and understanding the art that is Linx matchmaking….enjoy!

By Natasha Sarkisian | July 21, 2009 | San Francisco Magazine

THIS IS THE STORY OF PETER KUPERMAN, a handsome, slightly crazy, oddly endearing 37-year-old who wants nothing more than to marry a girl who went to Penn. The romantic obsession of his life began in a crowded Chinese restaurant when he was visiting the University of Pennsylvania campus during his senior year of high school. The line of hungry students was long, so Kuperman asked the hostess if he could claim the one empty spot in an eight-person booth filled with seven cute girls. They were members of an all-female a cappella group called the Quaker Notes, and for the next half hour, they bubbled with excitement for music, for their school, even for him. For dessert, they serenaded him with four-part-harmony versions of “A Hazy Shade of Winter” and Cheap Trick’s “The Flame.” 

Nearly 20 years later, Kuperman still hears their siren song. After a show that night featuring Penn’s famous all-male drag revue, Mask and Wig, young Peter made two vows. He would catch the troupe’s spring extravaganza every year, no matter what. And one day, he would fall in love with a Penn girl, and she would watch those Mask and Wig shows with him. 

As it turned out, Kuperman’s infatuation with Penn was not immediately reciprocated, but he refused to consider another college, and after two rejections, he got in. He majored in computer science and economics, graduating in 1996 and becoming one of those earnest alumni who get all worked up about eccentric causes, like fixing high-rise elevators in the undergrad dorms. After Penn, instead of heading back to his native Toronto, he spent six years in the Bay Area training as a long-distance runner with other Olympic hopefuls on the Nike Farm Team. When that didn’t pan out, he moved to New York, returning to San Francisco in 2006 as the sole manager of his own hedge fund, QED Benchmark. It was such a money machine, Kuperman bragged, “I could travel three weeks a month…and still maintain my income level” ($1 million–plus a year, he said). For fun, he hosted cooking party–salons at his SoMa loft, where local luminaries chopped herbs and talked green technology or stem-cell research. But he was still searching for his Penn girl—and something much more. His perfect partner, he once emailed me, would embody “this whimsical vision of ‘movie love’ where I get so entranced, I would go around the world just to be with her.”

The first time I meet Kuperman, he has just made the 30-minute drive to Palo Alto to consult with his professional matchmaker, Amy Andersen. He is trim, with brown hair flecked with gray, and he has the hypersuccessful Bay Area bachelor look just right: lavender button-down shirt; distressed Diesel jeans; shiny black loafers; intense, unwavering gaze. He seems like the picture of confidence. As he tells me his story, though, his voice quavers and his blue eyes well up with tears. Unsure whether I’m more touched by him or embarrassed for him, I feel my eyes misting over, too. It’s rare that anyone around here ever admits to having a dream, for fear it might not come true; rarer still for a man to pour his heart out about something so goofy and private to a complete stranger—a reporter, no less. It’s clear that, as much as he cherishes his Penn fantasy, it isn’t what he really wants; disappointment seems inevitable, and I’m torn between wanting to hug him and wanting to shake him.

Across the room, Andersen taps away on her laptop, unfazed. She’s worked with hundreds of Bay Area bachelors, each in his way as quirky and mixed-up as Kuperman is, trying to help transform them from dorks or jerks into somebody’s soulmate. It’s a process that gives her unusual insight into the counterproductive longings of the single, spoiled Bay Area male who has become too picky for his own good, yet demonstrates time and time again that he is powerless to change, mostly because he doesn’t think he needs to. Andersen’s job is to help these Lost Boys—Peter Pans, if not Peter Penns—do something they may never have had to do until now, which is open themselves up to compromise, and then to love. The process is painful, sometimes excruciating. No matter how wealthy or self-assured or self-deluded they are, at some point, Andersen says, “most of the guys who come in here cry.”

Blond and svelte in little silk numbers
 and Gucci boots, Andersen looks like one of the Real Housewives of Orange County and thinks like a Silicon Valley CEO. She’s never without her BlackBerry and her Louis Vuitton scheduling tome, every page filled from 9 a.m. to midnight with meetings with clients—650 over the past five years. The founder of Linx Dating—as her website describes it, “an exclusive, by-invite-only Bay Area–based dating service created for the ‘marriage-minded’”—is 32, sweet, shrewd, and relentless in her pursuit of her clients’ happiness. Combining the ana­lytics of eHarmony, the social networking of Facebook, and the strange, self-absorbed glamour of The Bachelor, her concept is so tailor-made for the Bay Area and the times that in certain Marina and Peninsula circles, she’s practically a household name.

Andersen’s fee starts at $6,000 for eight carefully matched dates with other great-looking, high-earning Linx members; for $30,000, you get 15 introductions, a nationwide out-of-network search, and a cocktail party straight out of The Millionaire Matchmaker, where a dozen fawning “eligibles” show up to be checked out and vice versa. For those who need it, there’s also date coaching, mock dating, a dermatologist referral, and a fashion and home-decor makeover (in the case of her male clients, Andersen has been known to personally throw out grungy toothbrushes and moldy bath mats). Though she is the matchmaker to the Web 2.0 gene­ration, she advocates a retro version of romance, in which men open doors and women do not talk about their careers.

The familiar stereotype about the Bay Area dating scene is that it’s the women who are dying to get mar­ried. A former member of their ranks, Andersen admires single women here for their intellect and independence but believes they often sabotage their chances by approach­ing a prospective romantic partner the way they would a business partner—reciting their résumés instead of being flirty, asserting their ballbuster side instead of their vulnerability. Andersen counsels her female clients—they make up half her roster, and unlike most matchmakers, she charges them the same as men—to wear pastels rather than black, play down their accomplishments on the first few dates, and admit that horror movies scare them. “It’s kind of pathetic, but it’s true,” says Mary Ann Mullen, Andersen’s sidekick, a sensible, motherly type who’s been married for 18 years and speaks frankly about how men respond to powerful women. “Their pee-pee feels castrated”—here, she lets her pinky droop—“and we want it to feel happy.” 

Yet as I hang out in Linx’s knickknack-filled offices—conveniently located between those requisites of modern-day marriage, engagement-ring central (Diamonds of Palo Alto) and a couples therapist—I’m surprised to discover how many Bay Area men are desperate, too. Mar­ina guys in Tom Ford sunglasses who’ve spent a decade or more jumping from windsurfing to heli-skiing to kiteboarding, and to younger and younger girls, suddenly start feeling creepy and pathetic. The wealthy tech­nology wizards look up from their turretlike workstations and realize that their world is devoid of, and even unwelcoming toward, women and that their social and emotional development ended with their first programming job. Online dating doesn’t work for this high–net worth crowd. “To avoid gold diggers, people downplay themselves in their profiles,” Andersen says. “The end result, when you’re finally face-to-face with someone you met online, is that you’re a liar.” Meanwhile, the social media they rely on to stay connected—texting, instant messaging, tweeting—reduces actual human contact and further stunts their ability to interact with the opposite sex. That’s where Linx comes in. “It’s what we say over and over—dating is a skill,” Andersen tells me. “We’re like grad school for finding your future husband or wife.”

Andersen dreamed up Linx at the height of the Internet boom, after many a night spent downing beers at Nola, in Palo Alto, with her then boyfriend and his single pals as they bemoaned the dearth of available women in Silicon Valley. She knew where the girls were: “They were all up in San Francisco in the Junior League, desiring the same thing I wanted: marriage!” When she and that boyfriend (aka that “noncommittal, cheating boy trapped in a 35-year-old’s body”) broke up, she fled back to the city. One failed long-term relationship later, Andersen was in no hurry to couple up again. “At one point, I had, like, five amazing guys courting me with massive bouquets, gifts, and trips, walking across fire for me, and I thought, ‘This is pretty cool.’” 

It was also great research. A born entrepreneur—as a kid in Mill Valley, Andersen cut flowers from neighbors’ yards, wrapped them in tissue and ribbon, then resold them to the people she had stolen them from—she fleshed out her dating concept while working in private client services at Merrill Lynch. (Even for someone with so much natural chutzpah, cold-calling rich people—up to 225 a day—provided “an incredible skill set,” she says.) Andersen quit that job to launch Linx in 2003, operating out of a Starbucks on Russian Hill and meeting with as many as seven “high-caliber” clients—attorneys, doctors, venture capitalists—a day for free. She earned her first paying client, a VP of marketing for a web company, in February 2004: eight setups for $1,200. “When people stopped blinking at $2,600, I went to $3,000, $3,200. Then I realized this demographic was not concerned about price at all.” Indeed, matchmaking turns out to be recession-proof. Last fall, even as the economy was crashing, one of Andersen’s clients upped his “marriage bonus”—many of her contracts include a fee for matches that make it to the altar—from $25,000 to $100,000 because he couldn’t face the thought of turning 40 alone.

Before a friend referred him to Andersen a year ago, Kuperman had already sought professional help in finding his Penn mate. He’d had plenty of girlfriends, but his enthusiasm (or theirs) usually waned after a few weeks. Online dating was no help: “It’s like walking through an airport or a mall and talking to strangers,” he says. So, in 2004, he consulted semifamous New York matchmaker Samantha Daniels (the 2003–2004 NBC series Miss Match, starring Alicia Silverstone, was inspired by her career), a gorgeous Penn grad with a great network of alums to draw from. 

In his Linx application, Kuperman admits to having blown the first match Daniels arranged, with a Penn grad who was getting her MBA from Columbia. The second introduction, to S., went much better, but within six months, they were kaput, too. One of his biggest gripes: S. was not sufficiently enthusiastic about his favorite movie, Love Actually. (“She said at the end, ‘Cute movie,’ implying, ‘That’s now over; let’s move on,’ and not, ‘Wasn’t that story about the 10-year-old kid so unbelievably romantic?’”) 

Much of what I know about Kuperman comes from his 14-page application, which he shares freely with me a few days after we meet. I have to admire his guts for letting me see it; god forbid anyone should ever see my wish list for a husband. One section asks clients to check as many adjectives as apply to them from a list of 78 possibilities, including “Darwinian,” “loquacious,” “narcissistic,” “life-of-the-party,” “autophobic,” and “wise.” Andersen wants to know: What is the worst decision you’ve made at your current job? How is your relationship with your family? Do you hold any patents? Besides helping her understand her clients, the answers weed out the losers, like the 42-year-old Google exec who’s still living with his mother. She’s equally on guard against commitment-phobes—guys who pull the breakup card just when you’re starting to look at rings—and people who are just looking to hook up. Half of her applicants don’t make the cut.

For his part, Kuperman shares the average guy’s interest in sexy underwear and Rachel McAdams, though not in Jennifer Garner or Scarlett Johansson. He answers yes to children, no to a nanny, picks private over public schools, and reports an IQ of 162. His favorite food is “freshly picked sweet corn on the cob bought at a roadside stall…on the way to cottage country,” and his favorite pastime is swing dancing: “I can see us dancing every day for the next 100 years.”

The most surprising question for me is “Describe your ideal wedding.” I’d assumed this is something only women fantasize about, but Andersen insists, “Men usually have it completely mapped out.” Kuperman proves her point: “Formal black-tie ceremony, nonreligious setting (e.g., estate, vineyard, etc.), bach­elor/ette party, but not too wild (i.e., no overt sexual contact with me or her, but strippers are okay), we share the responsibility of planning, I pick the band.” The first dance will be “a showpiece of excellent dancing ability…the language of the conversation that happens when two great dancers get together and let their bodies speak to the musicality of the song.” As the music fades, the crowd will leap to a standing ovation. “That’s really important, too. :-)”

Reading the application makes me squirm, as if I were sneaking a look at someone’s diary or eavesdropping on a session with his shrink. I always suspected Bay Area single guys were impossible to please; now I have proof. Kuperman’s fantasies, like those of so many men I’ve met here, are right out of a silly romantic comedy. He comes across as lovable in some ways, immature and irritating in others. I can feel his genuine longing for a deep connection, but I also see the internal hurdles he erects—so many that I wonder whether he really does want to fall in love and settle down. 

The best evidence of his ambivalence is a remarkable document he appends to the standard Lynx application: eight single-spaced pages of “musts, shoulds and what do I have to be,” along with a two-page discussion of his two most significant recent relationships. The musts include “all-natural body parts,” “love celebrating New Year’s Eve,” and “be okay with a shower with two heads on opposite walls.” On a sweeter note, he expects his dream girl to be “really close with at least one family member” (his own relationship with his two sisters is “one of my biggest areas of happiness,” he writes) and “be someone who constantly says ‘I believe in you’ to their children.” But she also has to “allow me to indulge in a luxury sports car and be willing to fill the car with premium gasoline to extend the life of the car and increase resale value.” Maybe he’s joking, but I don’t think so. 

Kuperman’s words make me wonder
 about Andersen’s pro­cess. Is it really prudent to encourage people—especially Bay Area singles who are used to having their own way in almost every aspect of their oh-so-perfect lives—to spend so much time and energy focusing on what they want in a mate, as if they were configuring a new computer or ordering coffee at Peet’s? Doesn’t this just close off their options and fuel their self-defeating fantasy that a relationship is all about them

But after reading hundreds of these applications—brain dumps, really—Andersen has learned what to take seriously and what to ignore. She sees Kuperman’s blatherings as therapeutic, rather than alarming; the whole point is for him to get stuff off his chest so that she can help him examine every tiny piece of his fantasy, recognize what he really wants, and come to terms with how to achieve it. Andersen spends her days listening to male and female clients check off their lists of “musts” and “shoulds”: no shorter than 6 feet, no smaller than a C cup, no professors or accountants, no kids, no salary under $500K a year. By comparison, Kuperman’s Penn dream strikes her as substantive, even old-fashioned. People used to grow up in small villages and marry their neighbors; the truth is, you might have more luck finding your soulmate in a pond of 50 than in an ocean of a million web profiles. The Penn requirement, Andersen optimistically concludes, “will be a fantastic catalyst and accelerator for a happy relationship.” 

Andersen has facilitated dozens of such relationships over the years, including four marriages and at least 30 long-term couples. She suspects her success rate is actually higher: Once they’ve met someone they really like, “clients often go radio silent,” she says. (She found out about one recent engagement by stalking the lovebirds on Facebook.) But helping clients find lasting love often means Andersen must be brutally pragmatic—and force them out of their comfort zone. “So many frustrated people say they want to meet ‘the one,’ but they don’t change their patterns,” she says. “They stay in the Marina. They keep trying the same places—Encore, Symphonix, the Matrix—where, no surprise, they run into the same people. You have to do something drastic.”

Andersen speaks from personal experience. Not long after she started Linx, she found herself in her own rut, dating up a storm (including at least one prospective client), but no closer to marriage and kids. On an impulse, she decided to move back to “target-rich” Palo Alto and take a six-week dating hiatus. She got a nutritionist and a stylist, did an ashram diet and cleanse, “and then I was in the right place.” In the end, she needed her own match­maker, a friend who introduced her to Alex Gould, a Stanford economist and media consultant. Ten months later, he stunned her by proposing in front of 125 of her clients at a Link & Drink networking party at the Four Seasons Palo Alto. “I woke up at 5 the next morning and looked at the ring and thought, ‘Ohmigod, I’m engaged!’” (The enormous sapphire gets so many yearning looks from clients that Andersen and Gould, who sometimes helps with the business, ought to consider writing it off.)

Still, after months of watching Andersen in action, it’s hard for me not to conclude that her female clients are expected to make the most drastic changes. (Is there anything more depressing than telling an attractive, accomplished woman to pretend to be less than she is so men won’t feel threatened?) For her male clients, Andersen advises basic good manners: Pay for dinner, never text or email to arrange logistics, spend time listening to your date instead of just talking about yourself, give every setup at least a second chance. Anxious or nerdy types can have a dating coach attend events with them incognito and give them real-time feedback and support. Ander­sen also works on the Too Much, Too Soon syndrome—“prob­ably the most common thing we see,” Mullen says—and the closely related male tendency to go on and on and on about themselves, their jobs, their hobbies, their exes. The solution is a strategy known as KISS: Keep It Simple and Succinct. Andersen coaches her clients to think of first-date conversation as a tennis ball they want to keep lobbing back and forth. “We help them narrow it down to 15 sound bites. Then we have them visualize a tape recorder: Press play. And now press stop.” They also work on what Andersen calls “strategic positioning”: “I hate my job and am on the verge of chucking it—along with my six-figure income” becomes “I enjoy tech but have thought of trying something new.” 

Andersen decides that Too Much, Too Soon is also Kuperman’s biggest problem; he’s “the kind of guy who writes a girl a 14-page letter after one date,” she tells me. For his part, Kuperman seems to trust her judgment completely: “When I met Amy, I had an extremely strong guy reaction that said ‘WOW! I just met an incredibly important person in my life,’” he recently wrote. Over the weeks, they work mainly on taking things slower—“not jumping in because he feels a lust or attraction,” Andersen says. He appreciates all the rules she sets. By “laying down the protocols,” he says, Andersen eliminates much of the second-guessing that can make going on a date—especially with a stranger—so nerve-wracking. When both parties feel comfortable, it’s much easier to connect.

But when I meet Kuperman, two months into his Linx experience, he still hasn’t connected with anyone. Andersen has scoured Northern California for Penn grads and sent him on several dates, but no one has set him on fire. After every fix-up, he sits down with Andersen and Mullen to rehash the encounter and plot their next steps. They’ve just about exhausted the eligible pool of Penn women in the Bay Area, and Kuperman knows it. “It’s like a Venn diagram,” he finally tells them. “There are smart girls and hot girls, but not a lot of intersection.” 

In the past year or so, Andersen and Mullen have added another tool to their arsenal: the VIP mixer, where one or two clients (usually male) are surrounded by a dozen or more “eligibles” recruited from Facebook and other sources. The idea strikes me as both demeaning and a significant departure from the original Linx concept of carefully matching couples and striving to make their interactions as stress-free as possible. But many of their clients love feeling like the stars of their own reality show—plus, even if no individual candidate bowls them over, the whole experience does. Kuperman, who’s considering moving back to New York—with the exception of Philly, the Penn grad capital of the world—likes the idea of holding his party there. So does Andersen, who’s dying to introduce Linx to the East Coast. Even if Kuper­man doesn’t meet “the one,” she figures the event might help him overcome his Too Much, Too Soon issue; with so many candidates to choose from, it should be impossible for him to get overly attached to any of them. 

The next few weeks are a blur as the two Linx women make the arrangements, aided by Gould (Penn class of ’93). They set the date (mid- to late October), book the celebrity-magnet Carlyle hotel, and cold-email more than 350 New York–based Penn graduates, 200 of whom reply. Phone interviews narrow down the final list to 19 sensational candidates, including an advertising executive and a pediatrician. For the first two days, Kuperman will have a series of one-on-one meetings with 12 women, followed by dinner dates with each day’s “winner.” Day three will consist of the final one-on-ones, then a cocktail party with a new bevy of candidates. By my conservative estimate, Kuperman’s tab for the whole trip will approach $40,000.

Arrangements are in the final stages when the global economy implodes. Then Kuperman, who went to Can­ada to visit one of his sisters over Labor Day, has a problem with his work visa that delays his reentry to the U.S. by several weeks. The day before the Linx entourage is supposed to check in to the Carlyle, he finally talks the U.S. State Department into giving him a seven-day tourist visa. 

When Andersen arrives in New York, Kuperman has another surprise: His mother is in town, visiting his other sister in Brooklyn, and the two women want to meet his matchmaker. Over breakfast the next morning, Mrs. Kuperman pooh-poohs her son’s outfit, which Andersen picked: Nordstrom shirt, blazer, and pastel pocket-square combo. He changes as soon as he returns to the hotel. Otherwise, his mood is upbeat—almost strangely so. This is the week of October 20, and the stock market is having a psychotic breakdown, swinging up and down by hundreds of points every day. But Kuperman the hedge-fund manager seems largely oblivious. 

Meanwhile, Andersen and Mullen set up a makeshift office at a table in the hotel’s gallery tearoom. A butler stops by regularly to replenish the tiered silver trays with little sandwiches, tartlets, and scones with clotted cream and jam. The first day’s prospects chat with Andersen and Mullen for 45 minutes or so before being ushered around the corner for a coffee, lunch, or afternoon champagne date with Kuperman. “Peter is more Gap than Ralph Lauren, more hybrid car than Ferrari, more Nestlé cocoa than Scharffen Berger,” Andersen explains, nailing her client’s brand. She tells candidates about her own romantic success, how she met Gould, and how her father proposed to her mother seven days after they met. 

A sophisticated 26-year-old brunette named E. emerges as Kuperman’s favorite of the day. Her parents met at Penn, and her family includes 33 alums. Andersen arranges a candlelit dinner for the couple, complete with calligraphy place cards, Veuve Cliquot, lobster bisque, rack of lamb, and chocolate soufflé (ordering dessert is another of her first-date rules), and when she and Mullen return three hours later to spy on them, they’re still at the table, flirting. “I had chills riding the elevator back up!” says Mullen. “I was like, ‘Babies are being made right now!’” (For the record, she uses the phrase “I have chills” at least three times a day.)

Day two’s winner is M., a high-ranking ad exec in an elegant shift dress and three strands of giant pearls. Andersen has a waiter interrupt M.’s one-on-one with Kuperman because his next date has been waiting for half an hour. As Kuperman walks up the steps, he turns around and tells the duo, “She gets my pretty-underwear thing! She wears pretty underwear!” Andersen, half exasperated, half excited, gasps, “Peter!” as he runs off with his next date. 

By day three, Kuperman is worn out, and his seams are starting to show. He snaps at Andersen and seems overwhelmed by the number of, as he calls them, “connections” he’s making. (So much for hoping the weekend blowout will cure him of his tendency to plunge into things too quickly—it seems to be having the opposite effect.) The second of his back-to-back meetings in the afternoon goes so well—or he’s feeling so rebellious—that he and his date sneak out of the hotel. Andersen receives a text from the woman saying Kuperman will be back 15 minutes before the bachelorette event, but as the guests arrive, he’s a no-show. The next day, we find out what happened: He and his date walked through Central Park to Balducci’s to buy vodka, chocolate, and popcorn, then headed back to her apartment on the Upper West Side.

Though clearly irked by Kuperman’s rudeness, Andersen is composed, smiling and making sure the champagne glasses stay full. Once again, I’m blown away by the quality of the women she’s managed to assemble, though one overeager candidate has donned a Penn skirt with icons of the Liberty Bell and the Philadelphia Inquirer. The chef has prepared some of Kuperman’s recipes, including chocolate-vanilla pots de crème served in espresso cups. Peach roses and hydrangeas overflow from vases. Several of the women remark offhandedly, “This is so much like the TV show.” When Kuperman saunters in, 45 minutes late, he acts as if he’s right on time. He regales his guests with a story of bringing a girl back to his Penn dorm room, innocently changing into corduroy PJs, and telling her he was going to bed without her. 

M.—the only one of the previous day’s dates to be invited—marvels, “This is every man’s dream!” She makes a clear attempt to distinguish herself from the other women by standing apart and talking with the pianist or Gould. It takes a while before Kuperman finally greets her, but less than five minutes later, they retreat to his bedroom, posing seductively for a magazine photographer, his hands all over her legs. After the impromptu photo session wraps, Kuperman, Andersen, Mullen, and Gould break into golly-gee renditions of “New York, New York” and “Night and Day.” Eventually, Gould forces everyone out, leaving Kuperman and M. alone in the suite.

Kuperman, Andersen, and Mullen meet over coffee and crois­sants the next morning to decide what to do with their girl glut. Every candidate but one has already emailed or texted to say she hopes Kuperman will be interested in seeing her again. I’m shocked; assuming they aren’t all gold diggers, maybe the idea of vying for one man has brought out their competitive streaks. In the suite, dozens of votives from the night before flicker eerily. Mullen is in her sweats, sans makeup, but Andersen’s hair is still in the French twist she wore to the party.

Andersen pushes Kuperman to share his thoughts. “Could you close your eyes and see your wedding with one of them?” she asks. “I don’t close my eyes and see weddings after one or two days,” Kuperman replies. “That’s your job. My job is courting someone and just having fun. But if I ask M. on this trip to London, and we end up going to New York together, and we end up doing a couple other trips, then it’s a different story.” 

“Oh!” Andersen exclaims. “So you’re talking about a London trip with her? That’s great! You drop these things like hydrogen bombs.” 

Kuperman decides to put all the women other than M. “aside,” but he tells Andersen and Mullen to messenger each one a single flower unique to her personality. “This isn’t just some random coffee at Starbucks with some random person from Match.com,” he says. “We’re going to take care of them.” With that proclamation, he dashes out the door to catch a train to his beloved Philly, to meet yet another Linx setup, a med student who wasn’t able to attend the New York soirée—leaving what must have been a $20,000 hotel bill behind him. And after 100 hours of not setting foot outside the confines of the Carlyle, Andersen packs her bags. 

A week later, in Andersen’s office, Mullen prods Kuperman to explain why he’s picked M. “She’s hot, and she has nice energy,” he responds. Mullen then asks Kuperman what M. likes about him. “I have a great sense of style and fashion,” he replies. It’s unclear whether he’s serious. “Thanks to us,” Andersen interjects, and everyone laughs. He meekly concurs: “I’d be showing up in flip-flops at the Carlyle without you.” 

Kuperman then voices concern about having to do all the work in the relationship—the flying back and forth to New York, the dinner buying, and so on. He feels like M. isn’t putting in enough effort. “We all know how valuable you are,” Andersen retorts. “But we also know that she represents the gold standard. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there, even if you get shot down.” Gould encourages him to “embrace the uncertainty,” and Mullen suggests he write in a journal whenever he feels hesitant about taking the next step. 

Gould adds that Kuperman needs to get to know M., which has been the problem all along—he leaps in and out of relationships, never hanging around long enough to become truly intimate with a woman. When I hear Gould’s words, I’m tempted to shout, “Thank you!” Finally, someone is standing up for the women—and it’s not Kuperman’s female matchmakers, it’s a guy who isn’t getting paid to hold Kuperman’s hand and indulge his unattainable quest for female perfection. Like so many Bay Area single men, Kuperman has always fantasized about a relationship on his terms. But M. is “a woman who can pretty much do and have most things,” Gould points out. “I would argue that the reason she doesn’t have a huge ring on her finger is that she hasn’t found a guy who can unlock her. If you can intuit her, that will send you miles.” 

It’s great advice, but Kuperman doesn’t seem to hear it, and Mullen is beyond frustrated. “Um, is there some com­moditization of the girls going on?” she finally asks. “No,” Kuperman insists. “Good, good,” Mullen jabs back. “Love to be wrong.” 

But as we get up to leave, Kuperman says, “We can do this again in Chicago in February, right?” 

It’s nine months later, and Andersen’s business is booming. Economic instability has made the Bay Area’s lovelorn more eager than ever to find solace in a committed relationship; singles in Seattle and Los Angeles have also been seeking her out. I wonder how many of them are truly willing to do what it takes to meet their match, and how many will continue to insist on having it all—even if it means ending up with no one.

Meanwhile—surprise, surprise—Kuperman has yet to find his perfect Penn girl. After a few rendezvous in New York, including one spontaneous “booked on Friday, see you on Saturday” trip, Kuperman and M. decided there was no spark. But the quick demise of that relationship is the least of his problems. This past March, the U.S. immigration authorities concluded that Kuperman had overstayed his tourist visa by more than three months, and banned him from the country. Andersen has continued to set him up with Penn grads, including an “amazing” woman who met him for a fling in Venice, but this can’t go on forever. 

In June, I email to find out how he’s doing. His response is rambling and reflective, even sad. Thinking back to New York, he says, “The real story is that I was completely discombobulated…. I had immigration stress, not-being-at-home stress, and a situation where I was not at all centered and balanced…. I just wanted to get home to San Francisco.” The trip was “fantastic and so much fun,” but, because of his state of mind, ultimately fruitless: “No girls really stood a chance…. And that is a major shame, because I met some incredibly high-quality, amazing, sexy, intelligent, and grounded women.” 

What has he learned from working with Andersen? His answer is unexpected. “It seems that I am a very confused, dysfunctional, and indecisive man. I want this WOW! exper­ience…. I am not going to go forward with a long-term committed relationship until I find myself madly in love.” He con­­fesses, “I’ve presented myself to Amy as this person who is totally ready to get married, and intellectually, that is true; but practically, that switch is definitely not turned on.”

He mentions a woman he’d been seeing for a few weeks right before he sought out Linx. She wasn’t a WOW! either, but her kindness to him during his Canadian exile has made him think. “What if I should just grow up, pick someone, and doggedly and determinedly stick with that choice because she is good for me?” On the other hand, he adds, “What if I spend my entire life constantly doubting and tweaking and tinkering and thinking and am never able to just go for it and take a leap of faith?
“Biggie enough answer for you? :-)”

Sex Equity: Owning Your Pleasure featuring an interactive discussion with Special Guests, Amy Andersen and Tyomi Morgan

Gather with Alphy 

Sex Equity: Owning Your Pleasure featuring an interactive discussion with Special Guests, Amy Andersen and Tyomi Morgan

Gather is excited to bring you an interactive event which will empower us around a topic we’ve not yet discussed—sex and relationships! Join us as we meet in the Alphy App for a conversation which may help us expand on forward thinking ways to live our best lives! 

Here’s what you will receive and why you should attend:

  • Engage with and learn massively useful, empowering tips from these two incredible women: 
    • Amy Andersen, Founder of Linx Dating, Silicon Valley’s Matchmaker
    • Tyomi Morgan, Sexuality Coach and Relationship Expert (she’s been on America’s Next Top Model!)
  • A limited edition, custom made bookmark which will be mailed to you after the event is over (please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery)
  • A private invitation to the Alphy app, where you’ll join an online community built to help connect and advance women
  • 15% off orders on Fort Point Direct with your special code
  • A free private info session for you and your friends to learn about egg freezing and fertility preservation
  • $100 off a consultation (cash pay patients only) with a Spring Fertility physician  

Register today, and we’ll send you your private code to join the Alphy App, where the event will be held. We’ll also include the discount codes and contact information for you to utilize the gifts from our incredible partners.

REGISTER HERE

Thank you to our sponsors and special guests:

Introducing our new male VIP….

Our client is a dynamic, polished, 33-year-old Caucasian former college tennis player, who stands at 5’11” with brown hair, blue eyes, and a contagious smile. He was born and raised in Southern California and likes to joke that (at least to this point) the best decision he ever made was picking his parents, who devoted themselves to raising a wonderful family and have led by example to show him how to live the most enjoyable and fulfilled life possible. His father is his intellectual inspiration, who helped instill in him a passion for all sorts of intellectual pursuits from mathematics to economics to politics to psychology. His mother provided him with his uniformly positive attitude toward life, best encapsulated by being bestowed the “This is the best day yet” award when he was 13 years old on a 3-week trip to Europe with a group of young teenagers. His parents first met on a tennis court, and his dream-come-true would be for his wife to share the passion for tennis that he inherited from his parents.

Our client is a renaissance man and decorated student-athlete. He was valedictorian in high school and had the top GPA of any student in his class at a leading US university, all the while doing among the most difficult set of majors and having the winningest record on his top Division I tennis team during his final seasons. Before launching into his career, he spent a year in the United Kingdom to get master’s degree in finance and write a couple of books about achieving peak performance on the tennis court, in the classroom, and beyond.

He has had a highly successful career to date, with stints in consulting and private equity before settling on public market investing, where his primary focus is high-growth software companies. He takes great pride in his work, but he is conscientious about maintaining a healthy work-life balance, which provides him with ample freedom to pursue his myriad of hobbies, from playing tennis to hiking in National Parks to participating in several conservative/libertarian political organizations to sitting on his balcony perched high above the Bay in his never-ending pursuit to figure out the meaning of life.

Given the wonderful upbringing he had from his loving parents who made raising children their top priority, he is uniquely focused on raising a family and being a devoted father. Having seen how much pleasure his parents had bringing up multiple children, he is excited about the opportunity to pay it forward to his children. A meticulous planner, he has a remarkable “lifestyle-oriented” vision for how he sees his life play out and is looking for an inspiration partner to join with him on the journey ahead.

His dream match is an intellectual and athletic peer, who also had excellent grades, played tennis at a top Division I school, and shares a similar passion for life and vivacious personality. She is an “All American girl” who is 23-27 years old, between 5’5”-5’11”, physically fit, and has light features. She is politically conservative/libertarian and comes from a stable, married family with parents who are still deeply in love after multiple decades of marriage. She is as close to her parents and siblings as our client is and deeply hoping to marry someone who adores her parents as she does. She desires to focus on raising a family as extraordinary as her own, alongside a husband who is equally engaged in her children’s development.

Her friends would describe her as proactive, cheerful, optimistic, judicious, and highly organized. She has a job that is intellectually demanding and ambitious, but also one that has (or at least will have) reasonable hours so she can live a balanced, wholesome life with plenty of time to pursue her many other interests.

On weekends, her favorite activities include playing tennis, hiking, reading, and socializing with friends. She enjoys taking trips to national parks and visiting new cities and towns. She is unafraid to be a globetrotter and to take the road less traveled to explore interesting far-fetched places that have their charm but are not the common spots that tourists go.

Our client has not been married before and does not currently have any children, but he envisions both in his future and plans to take this role very seriously.

If you or anyone you might know could qualify as a candidate to meet this extraordinary VIP, please submit your information here. There are NO fees for qualified candidates to meet our client.   

Experience The Linx Difference

Experience Matters 

After nearly 18 years in business, we are arguably one of the most seasoned matchmakers in the industry and are regularly spoken of as the top global matchmaker worldwide. Thousands of interviews later, we can confidently say that experience matters when hiring a tier one matchmaker.  We offer in-depth knowledge and expertise, as well as unparalleled reach via our network, for our clients. 

When doing your due diligence researching matchmaking firms, look for a company where the primary matchmaker working on your search is an industry veteran – someone who has sat through thousands of meetings, made countless matches, and who understands human behavior… someone with strong, deeply honed intuition and pattern recognition vs. a green matchmaker who’s been in the business for only a few years!

One of the greatest appeals of Linx is that our clients will work directly with Amy Andersen, the founder and CEO, throughout the search. Clients are not “farmed off” to junior matchmakers or individuals with little or no vested interest in the well-being of the client. 

Privacy and Reputation Matter

Keeping our client and prospect information private is a hallmark of the Linx philosophy and we maintain a sterling reputation in the industry, in this regard.

Trustworthiness goes hand in hand with how we conduct our work, and we adhere to the highest standards of integrity to ensure that we protect the identities of our clients and members. This means that we will not reveal any identifiable candidate information until a match is made and we certainly do not gossip about “whom” we work with around town as we live our daily lives. 

Founder and CEO Amy Andersen has emerged as the “Cupid of Silicon Valley” having matched many of Silicon Valley’s high profile tech elite, Hollywood, founder & CEOs, and more. Due to the private nature of many of Linx’s high profile clients, we operate meetings in our private offices, gardens, and also offer house visits.  

Exclusivity Matters 

Linx Dating does not cater to the masses – we represent high-caliber clientele who seek our niche, highly reputable approach to matchmaking. There are numerous other services that claim to be “exclusive” and to be working with “elite clients,” but the reality is, they broadcast their services in airline magazines and do not maintain the same standard of quality as Linx. 

Linx is the only upscale matchmaking firm that does not publicly advertise its services. We do not need to, as our client base has been built via nearly two decades of word-of-mouth referrals from happy clients and our extended social and professional networks.

Linx is also the only firm to cherry-pick clients whom we know we can genuinely help. We don’t work with everyone who applies and have been coined the “Stanford or Harvard University” of matchmakers. In being selective, we maintain our exclusivity and do not dilute our brand by taking on more business than we can handle. 

Integrity Matters

That said, even if we feel we cannot effectively help someone after our preliminary meet-and-greet, we always provide prospects with options and never leave them rudderless.  

The Network Matters 

It goes without saying, in hiring a tier-one firm, that you want an incredible network of passive members and premium clients, from whom to draw in sourcing potential matches. In other words, the network is everything! Without such a serious social network and trusted connections, a matchmaker has little to go on. 

To center in on a network, you want a highly developed local network. Though Linx has historically specialized in the San Francisco Bay Area / Silicon Valley and continues to do so, it has also accumulated a substantial network in Southern California. As they say with real estate, location, location, location! Linx is wedged in the heart of Silicon Valley and is here to stay! Moreover, though heavily anchored in California, Linx attracts members from all over the US and the globe including Seattle, New York, Texas, the Middle East, Europe, and Asia. 

Marketing Matters 

We know how important marketing is when it comes to our VIP client searches. With the right presentation, we can significantly optimize your positioning when it comes to attracting the ideal match. 

We are the only global firm that specializes in leveraging our trusted brand to market select VIP searches through use of social media, our blog, and website. We are consistently applauded for our content and writing. We have a very trusted team dedicated to graphic design, wordsmithing, and photography to make our VIP client descriptions shine, such that they ultimately attract the right candidates to apply to meet the client. 

We are proud to share that our method is a proven one.  Time and time again, VIP searches that were listed on the Linx Dating website attracted an exact “needle in a haystack” match for our VIPs.  After scrupulous vetting, we matched the client to the prospect and, well, the rest is history.  

Timing and Preparation Matter

We are experts in carefully helping prospects transition to dating, often after having not dated for a significant period of time, e.g. after the loss of a loved one, separation, breakup, or divorce. We know how vital it is, before you “go on the market” again to get prepared and to go to market with success and gusto.  From providing the new client with nuggets of dating wisdom, to strategic thinking around the type of match they need for a healthy and long-term thriving relationship, and countless preparation techniques (wardrobe, coaching, concierge, etc.) we have you covered! 

Collaboration Matters 

We have trusted partnerships and deep resources when it comes to specialists in various fields. At Linx we know where our core expertise lies and are careful not to dilute our matchmaking efforts.  As such, we leverage our trusted connections, as needed, to provide a full suite of offerings to clients.  These include wardrobe styling, hair, make-up, photography, date coaching, fitness, nutrition, concierge services, and access to other elite matchmaking firms with whom we might collaborate on certain searches, so as to cast an even wider net.

Equality Matters 

While most traditional matchmaking firms do not seek to represent women as actual paying clients, Linx is extremely proud to do so – we represent many such educated and dynamic females who are bright, sophisticated, and possess stellar academic backgrounds.  

Technology Matters 

Although we are steeped in old school traditional methodology and human intuition when it comes to matchmaking, we do not operate in the stone age.

Our team regularly utilizes proprietary data science techniques, as appropriate, to cull candidates in executive search/recruiting style “out of network” searches for VIP clients.

Healthy Clients Matter

We work with individuals who are balanced and healthy – mentally and physically – and are in the right place to get serious about finding the loves of their lives!  

Our clients typically lead active lifestyles and enjoy the creature comforts with some moderation. Linx is also the only matchmaking firm that chooses not to work with smokers. 

Personalization and Passion Matter

As Linx only accepts a select number of clients annually, all of whom work directly with founder/CEO Amy Andersen, our services are highly personalized, narrowly tailored to the needs of the client, and built around regular and direct access to Amy, who built the business from scratch and is deeply passionate about what she does.

Linx is recruiting single females who were born and raised in Russia for a dynamic entrepreneurial client…

We are looking for single females who are based in Silicon Valley. She should be single and completely unattached.

She is between 28-38 years old, physically fit and leading a healthy active lifestyle.

5’0″-5’5″, preference for 5’3″. She is natural in her appearance. Little to no make-up or emphasis on designer logo clothing and such.

Must have been born and raised in Russia. Our client wants to be able to relate to his partner- culturally, language, shared outlook, and mentally.

Friends and family would describe her as: positive, easy-going, kind, compassionate, logical, smart, humorous, curious, erudite, and open-minded.

Professionally, she is passionate about her career and someone who’s reached success in her life. Ideally she works in the sciences, art, investments, tech, etc. Maybe she’s a bold entrepreneur or founder.

Some of her hobbies and interests might include: the arts, sports, science, innovations, history, travel, reading, social impact, ecology, family, cooking.

She’s been waiting to meet her dream partner and wants her own biological child(ren).

Turns offs for our client- lazy, materialistic, not curious, not kind, doesn’t want children.

If you or anyone you know might make a match for our mystery VIP, please email Amy at: amy@linxdating.com

There are no fees for this opportunity.  

As cliche as it might sound….our newest VIP is truly the whole package and then some!

Our client is 52-years old, Caucasian, and clean cut with a full head of dark hair. He stands 6’2” and has a solid athletic build, largely owed to his long-standing track record of participating in competitive sports (during which he has won multiple accolades!). Born in San Francisco, this gentleman was raised in a modest, North Bay country town where he spent time on the ranch, learned the value of perseverance, and developed his confidence and entrepreneurial attitude. Carrying these virtues throughout his life, he now resides in an elegant, gated golf course community in the San Francisco Bay Area.

By day, he is an accomplished plastic surgeon and has founded one of the finest medical centers in the country – here, in his own hospital, he cares for patients and sees clients from all over the world. He is also an angel investor and strategic advisor, and companies in his field frequently seek his expertise and help in business development and commercialization of new medical devices. He also serves as a C-level executive for a public company in the aesthetic industry, where he is able to creatively further his passions – from dreaming up new technologies to developing them, testing for FDA approval, and even launching, our client is a man who is able to wear many hats. In fact, he also serves as the Chair of the Board for an organization that is working to provide a local athletic program for underprivileged youth, which he finds very personally fulfilling.  

Despite a packed professional schedule, our client has nights, weekends, and holidays off (except for the occasional business dinner or social/professional event). Making sure to protect his personal time, he starts the weekend at noon on Fridays by hopping in his plane and jetting off for a weekend adventure! Frequent destinations include his vacation homes in Lake Tahoe and the Coachella Valley, but air trips anywhere are often spontaneous: Sedona, Bend, Vegas, Seattle, Scottsdale, SoCal, the world is your oyster! He is also a fantastic cook and loves to host holiday gatherings with family and friends. Did we mention that he also makes Napa wine? 

For him, family is a priority – both yours and his. Though he unfortunately lost his father who was an influential figure in his life, he is still very close with his mom. Nowadays, he is an empty nester with two kids in college (20 and 18 years old), though he spent many years coaching his kids’ sports teams and loved to be the “cool dad” who hosted massive slumber parties (often with more than 25 kids at a time!).  

Our client is stable, dependable, and driven. He has faced significant adversity in his life and has always taken it as an opportunity to better himself – he is a rock and has a rather grounding presence. He is affectionate, easygoing, and loves to tease and laugh. He is also highly intellectual, practical, well-read, and quite the expert on a variety of topics, with outstanding focus, determination, and off-the-chart efficiency. He has traditional values, a strong central core, and considers himself deeply spiritual, though he is not religious. In this vein, he realizes that we are one and that the future is bright, despite the challenging circumstances of our current reality.  

His ideal match is 28-48 years old, well-educated, accomplished, and has demonstrated excellence in some capacity. Ideally, she is Caucasian, European, or Latina, and like him, she doesn’t sweat the small stuff and would rather share a good laugh than act combative. She is warm, affectionate, and fun! She prefers to be present and fully enjoy amazing activities together, rather than being wrapped up in documenting it for other people. She is elegant, poised, and always classy, naturally inspiring envy in others at professional and more sophisticated events. She is dignified and respectable with few regrets. She is fit, slender, and stunning with classic, natural beauty: polished but not overdone, all-American, drop-dead gorgeous girl-next- door, perhaps a bit exotic or unique.

Most of all, she is secure and confident in herself. She also has traditional values and rejects entitlement in life, understanding that the more you generously give, the more you get. She is adaptable and not pretentious; like our client, she enjoys sophistication as much as down-to-earth activities like sporting events, family get-togethers, outdoor BBQs, and just hanging out by the pool. She is grounded, stable, leads a clean life, and is not easily distracted by negative external influences. She recognizes that life has a way of throwing out challenges when you least expect it, but she values that he will always have her back, as she does his. In a partner, she is looking for a strong, traditional, and caring alpha, rather than a more modern, disorganized, man-child pajama boy.

If you or anyone you know might make the perfect match for this VIP, please submit your information here. There are NO fees for qualified candidates to meet our client.

10 Ways to Feel Happy in 5 Minutes…

My good friend, Michelle Pender, over at Compass, who is a top real estate broker in San Francisco, sent me this email which I think is terrific- especially during the pandemic. Michelle shares….

Stress is a constant factor for many people. However, with the right tools, those who feel stressed can create a better mentality in just a few minutes. While five minutes may seem like an insignificant amount of time to reduce stress, these activities can positively impact mental health.

  • Crank the tunes. Take a brain break and blast your favorite feel-good song as you walk or go for a drive.
  • Go outside. A few minutes of fresh air can help clear your head and give you a new perspective. 
  • Try something new. Shake up your routine; this can be as simple as walking down a different street, anything to get your mind off autopilot, and be present.
  • Spend money. According to Harvard professor Mike Norton, the trick is you have to spend it on someone else to get the ‘feel good’ perks. (My Favorite)
  • Text a friend. Reaching out to someone and telling them how awesome they are will make you feel fabulous. 
  • Make plans. Having something to look forward to, like dinner with a friend, can make a person giddy. Remember, anticipation is a secret weapon of happiness. 
  • Help someone. A quick way to pick yourself up is to do something kind for someone else. It’s a bonus when it’s random and not expected of you.
  • Do something. Whether it’s sending an email or clearing out the clutter, getting one thing off your to-do list gives you a huge mental sigh of relief.
  • Say, “thank you.” A small act of gratitude goes a long way and will boost your positivity. 
  • Think positive thoughts. No matter how bad things may seem, always be grateful. Warm water on a cold day? Amazing! Coldwater on a sunny day? Incredible! You are fortunate when you get right down to it. 

These ten quick methods can help bring positivity to a person in a relatively short time. Try one or more to recharge and lift your spirits the next time you feel overwhelmed or sad.

For anyone who is looking for a new, happy home in San Francisco, Michelle Pender is your resource! Not only is she incredibly personable and friendly but she is a Bay Area native. She knows the city beyond well and especially caters to the quaint neighborhood of Noe Valley. Her Instagram is wonderful and she does these unique videos sent to her followers on Fridays with tailored tips for first time home buyers and insider ideas about the real estate market in general. Her Instagram can be found here.

Linx Featured in Haute Living~ Love in the Time of Covid~

Linx is absolutely thrilled to be featured in the July and August 2020 issue of Haute Living!

Former American Diplomat seeks his traditional match 25-35 years old

 

iStock-697044734 copy.jpgWe are thrilled to announce a new search for our international bachelor. Our client is a true renaissance man. He’s a 38-year-old 6ft former Ivy League football player with a Yugoslavian mother and African American father.  He is a mix between Jason Bourne and Marty Khan and has served as a Counterintelligence Officer in the US military, been an American Diplomat, and now works as an international management consultant for a top 5 firm in the Mid East.

He combines a Hollywood smile and a movie star’s charisma with an endless supply of energy and an engineer’s intellectual curiosity.  The man is polished, erudite, and displays the manners and global savvy of the experienced diplomat he is.  Although high strung, he is gregarious, engaging, and the kind of guy that makes toddlers smile and giggle when he greets them (he once worked as a kindergarten teacher in his early 20s).

He’s handsome with a mischievous aurora and is a true globetrotter that has been to over 117 countries.  In addition to being an avid tennis enthusiastic he provides tutoring and mentorship to inner-city kids wanting to attend elite schools.
Currently based in a booming Middle East hub with an amazing expatriate package that includes ½ a floor at a five-star hotel, household staff, driver, and private school for the kiddies when you have them. After serving his country in several global hotspots he is now ready to settle down and be the family man that he always wanted to be.  He is a traditionalist and is comfortable being the breadwinner for the family but is also open to a careerist partner.

His ideal match is between the ages of 25-35, open on her heritage, although leans towards exotic, in shape, and with feminine curves. She is engaging, interesting, humble, loyal, an optimistic by nature, and prefers a traditional man. As our client is current based in the Middle East, this candidate needs to be open to travel and possible relocation.

If you or anyone you know might make a great fit for this gentleman, please email Amy directly at: amy@linxdating.com Thank you!

Is your relationship cheat-proof? Research reveals the most common reasons partners stray

 

jealous girl at party.jpg

After polling over 100,000 people, Chrisanna Northrup published extensive research on infidelity in her book The Normal Bar. Her findings explored not only the prevalence of cheating, but also perhaps more interestingly, she learned the situations that were most likely to encourage committed partners to stray.

 

  1. The Business Trip

For frequent travelers, life on the road comes with loneliness and stress—two circumstances that make meeting a beautiful stranger a welcome distraction.

36% of men and 13% of women admitted to cheating on a business trip. Respondents claimed that the sexual liaison was just too enticing to pass up, even if they had a robust sex life at home. Researchers concluded that the infidelity was related to sex, but also with the thrill of being wanted sexually and being able to engage and get away with it.

How long into a relationship is the business affair most likely to happen? 6-9 years.

 

  1. An ex

Even though the relationship maybe over, the feelings can still exist—especially for women. 32% of women admitted to having a fling with an ex or old interest, compared to 21% of men. Those who cheated with an ex reported a satisfying sex life at home; however, the forbidden nature of sleeping with someone who still holds emotional connectivity proved tempting.

How long into a relationship is an ex most likely to tempt? 2-5 years.

 

  1. Boredom in the bedroom

A mundane sex life is a big reason men and women entertain the idea of getting their needs meet elsewhere. 71% of men and 49% of women cheated after claiming boredom in the bedroom. Often times, people cheat because they are ashamed of their bedroom preferences. In an effort to avoid the conversation, people will suppress their desire and ultimately engage in an affair later to indulge it or, unfairly, project the shame onto their partner.

 

  1. Revenge infidelity

After a partner cheated, 9% of men and 14% of women admitted to cheating for revenge.

 

  1. An inability to be monogamous

Despite entering a committed relationship, many people just can’t dismiss the urge to cheat. 46% of men and 19% of women who strayed and were asked why said, “I just can’t help myself.”

 

But are there reasons people cheat that are beyond their control?

 

We are ultimately responsible for our decisions, but some factors can certainly cloud our better judgment. After meeting someone interesting and attractive, the brain produces a surge of dopamine. The dopamine rush triggers an intense, addictive euphoria—a euphoria that leaves us begging for more, even if it’s outside of the confines of our relationship.

 

There could also be a genetic propensity for cheating. In one study,  researchers surveyed 294 participants and discovered that those who had at least one parent cheat were twice as likely to cheat as the participants who had parents who maintained committed relationships.

 

Is there hope after infidelity?

 

Ironically, affairs don’t necessarily indicate a broken marriage. Although difficult, one of the biggest hurdles to getting the relationship back on track is working through the “victim/perpetrator” mentality. According to Dr. Joe Kurt, Ph.D., LMSW, the betrayed partner can start thinking that because he or she was cheated on, it’s up to the cheater to make everything right again. This blame-focused approach will ultimately sabotage any chance at reconciliation.

 

The best hope for a couple is to talk through the cheating—both the cheater’s experience and the injured partner’s response—in the presence of a counselor or therapist. Together, they can figure out the best ways to rebuild trust and demonstrate transparency.