Here’s what the science says about coming on too strong…

How often has the following happening to you:

Your great date has suddenly disappeared.

• You always initiate contact with the person you’re trying to see.
• You’ve heard “I’m just not ready” or “I think we’re moving too fast” within the first few dates.

If this sounds familiar, you’re probably coming on too strong. This type of oversharing can be attributed to the misalignment between how someone sees themselves versus how others perceive them. At University of Texas, researchers applied the self-verification theory to explain why people continually overshare. In an effort to get people to view them the way they view themselves, some people reveal too much too soon–overly personal details, traumas, and strong feelings.

To feel happier, people want to be viewed the same way they view themselves. The person who comes on too strong believes he or she is putting your anxiety at ease by confessing their own feelings. That person believes he or she is providing important information you need to have right away, because he sees himself as a romantic or someone in love. If the feelings are unrequited, or incongruence happens, the self-verification theory notes that the oversharer will experience a negative outcome.

People who come on too strong tend to keep doing so, because they believe–on a fundamental level–that they are doing the right thing and when incongruence strikes, it’s especially debilitating because it jeopardizes the way the person sees himself.

So, how do I know if I’m coming on too strong?

Take a minute to evaluate your date’s responses. Did your date ask you lots of questions? Did (s)he initiate kissing, touching, or contact of any kind? Did (s)he propose a time or place to get together again? If not, slow down the pace until you see reciprocal positive signs that invite attention.

But, what’s the problem with telling someone how I feel?

There’s nothing wrong with sharing feelings, but it’s in your best interest to apply some objective, non-emotional thinking to ground you. For example, it’s been two dates, and you’re feeling very interested. Understand that the other person involved only knows you as much as he or she has experienced with you to that point. That person won’t know that you’ve turned down countless dates or are hard to get; they only know that it’s been a short period of time, and that’s all it took to win you over.

Without having had to “earn” your affection with positive behavior or sufficient time to show you who he or she really is, the other person won’t be able to figure out a legitimate reason for you to have such strong feelings.

When someone says too much too soon, it suggests an immediate need to fill a void versus a well-considered, intentional selection based on someone’s unique character. Just as you wouldn’t want to feel like your partner could be with anyone, and that you were just the first to come along, you shouldn’t give any reason for the person you’re dating to feel this way.

So, when should I express my feelings?

There is no “right” time to voice strong feelings. The only “right” thing to do is to try to understand what your true motivation is for doing so. Are these strong initial feelings stemming from a place of neediness? Has it been a while since you’ve met someone halfway decent? If you feel a sense of urgency to share the love, spend time figuring out the why.

 

Going the distance: How feasible is long-distance love?

 

Maybe you met someone abroad. Maybe someone from abroad met you. Either way, you’re wondering if those romantic feelings can lead anywhere at all because of the distance. Of course distance can pose some unique challenges compared to dating a local single, but you might be surprised to learn those extra miles could be the fastest track into your next serious relationship.

Does distance make the heart grow fonder? The short answer: Yes.

 Two scientists, Crystal Jiang, City University of Hong Kong and Jeffrey Hancock, Cornell University, compared intimacy levels among couples in LDRs and local relationships. Surprisingly, the distance couples reported much higher levels of intimacy.

Researchers attributed the additional closeness to two unique characteristics. Firstly, the people in the LDR disclose more about themselves—more details, more vulnerability—that promote a higher rating of closeness versus the everyday chit chat from couples who live together. Secondly, distance couples tend to idealize their partners. Without opportunities to see their partner’s off days, people in LDR’s can hold on to that idealized version of their love interest longer.

In theory, my heart might grow fonder, but in reality won’t there be communication issues?

Ironically, couples communicating across distance enjoyed a greater sense of closeness than local couples. In one study published in the Journal of Communication, researchers found that although couples in LDRs weren’t always in constant communication, the overall quality of the communication was rated highly. After analyzing the diaries, texts, calls, and video chats, researchers learned that couples in long distance relationships shared more personal details.

Additionally, The Journal of Communication reports that the communication style between distance couples was rated less “problematic” than couples living closer—probably attributed to the fact that distance forces time between an emotional response and a reaction.

So, how much does the distance really matter?

Apparently, not that much. One study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy reported that couples living apart were just as happy as couples living in the same city. Even before the realities of distance set in, distance couples “perceived a lower likelihood of breaking up with their partner” when researchers wanted to measure commitment compared to locally-based relationships.

Ultimately, when these same participants were polled four months later about their relationship status, the break up rates between distance and local couples were the same.

Perhaps, we’re spending too much time wondering how the distance will make things harder rather than how it can help us get more intentional about connecting. If the chances of making love last are the same, why not see where those loving feelings take you?

 

FOR SINGLE WOMEN AGES 40-60

Our client is 57, but looks 47, 6’5”, 225, mesomorph without a workout fetish. He’s follically evolved, has kind green eyes, and a dazzling smile behind his Italian lips that masks the PTSD he experienced as a child with an army of metal wires in his mouth. Midwestern to the core, he still lives and dies home state sports and travels back regularly for games and to visit family. A man’s man, he always counseled his sisters never to trust an American who didn’t like football or a European who didn’t like football (the real kind).

He is overeducated. B.A (yes A) Mathematics, MS and PhD with a four-syllable major from Stanford. Tenured at a very prestigious university in the Bay Area. His motto is “Those that can do, those that can’t teach, and those that can’t do either become administrators”. He has compensated for his faculty salary (he told us “it’s good for the soul”), by founding successful startups and advising major corporations in technical intellectual property.  He’s also stepped in same, advising VC’s and Hedge Funds for over two decades.  Currently he is advising/BOD member of 4 startups in series A and B rounds.  La ti da.

But that’s not all. He plays jazz piano (and actually gets paid to do it) at venues in the Bay Area. He received his music education from a well-known music conservatory in the last century and often waxes poetic about the past (he’s truly an old soul). He also is an accomplished ballroom dancer, having won dance contests in dive bars over the years.  And there’s more yet. He also played D1 sports in college. His passion now is golf, holding a 3 handicap. However, don’t worry, he only plays about once or twice a week. He’s almost always the life-of-the-party and can regale you with life experiences such as searching for buried treasure on three continents.

He’s a grateful empty nester. He was married for 14 years, and is devoted to his son who is a college sophomore in southern California focused on baseball, study and girls (but not necessarily in that order).  He’s anticipating the next stage of his life and would love to find his muse. He’s looking for someone who is a yin to his yang. His ideal woman would be 40-60 years old, have humor, kindness, and be down-to-earth. She’s honest, adoring, fun, compassionate, and has sex appeal–perhaps a cross between Madeline Kahn and Sofia Vergara.

If you or anyone you know might make an exceptional match for our dynamic client, please email founder/CEO Amy at: amy@linxdating.com

Thank you and have a great holiday weekend! ❤️✈️😘✨

Just in….client testimonial ❤️

“I am writing to tell you that (name omitted) and I are in a committed, exclusive relationship! She is the love of my life! I am as smitten today as I was on our first date in January. Only now I know that much more about her and have fallen in love with this spectacular woman! She is adding so much to my life!

I have met her children and am off to a good start with them. We just returned from a fabulous one-week vacation and enjoyed every minute of our time together! She has invited me to join her later this month, with her family and friends, at her treasured vacation home. And we have a long list of things to share into the future.

We have agreed that we are perfect for each other – always comfortable together, discussing everything openly (including the hard stuff) and supporting each other during these times of change.

She is such a caring person, empathetic, listens so well, is flexible and accommodating. Yet she is also strong and voices her feelings and opinions to me. She is a hard worker devoted to her family, career development and charitable interests. So fun to be around such a motivated, interesting woman!

I want to thank you again for introducing me to her. You certainly saved your best client for me! Amy, thanks again for your very caring and professional support on this journey! I am very grateful to have her in my life!” 

What Linx members are saying….

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” Let’s all admit it, online dating is broken, at least if you’re looking for love!  The paradox of choice (swiping until your thumb gives out), ephemeral attention spans, and asynchronous communication have led to a disconnect between the need for companionship and the ability to find it.

 
The solution? Linx Dating! Think of Amy as your great aunt who introduces you to people, except Amy is young and has a better understanding of what you may want. Of course, Linx has been featured in national and international media. This doesn’t mean Amy is inaccessible. Quite the contrary. She’s accessible, warm, thoughtful, and compassionate.

 
Amy has a number of memberships and non-membership options for her exclusive matchmaking service. Nobody likes to admit they are single, but here I am, single. A friend recommended I reach out to Amy to have me in her database for eligible bachelors. Amy asked me thoughtful questions and vetted me.  This is important with her clientele who are educated (either formally or informally), successful, and looking for a serious relationship.

Don’t expect a list of 50 people in the next day. Remember the jam study! (Briefly, people went to the grocery store and saw 30 different kinds of jam or 5 different kinds of jam. Guess who was more likely to buy jam and LIKE the jam they brought. The ones who saw only 5 kinds of jam!).
I’ve been introduced to three of Amy’s clients. While i haven’t found the love of my life yet, I think I’m most likely to get there through the personalized and well thought out introductions by Linx Dating.”

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“I have had the opportunity to work with Amy for over a year.  She has been amazing. I initially came to her after months of frustrating experiences on dating apps and meeting men through friends of friends.  I had no trouble finding dates, but time and time again, I found that the men I met were simply not serious about being in a long term relationship.  This would not have bothered me as much in my 20s, but now into my 30s this was becoming painful.

From the very first time I met Amy, she was supportive and genuinely wanted to get to know me in order to find someone I could truly connect with. It was clear from the very beginning that she was interested in much more than just helping me create a “profile” of my accomplishments in the way that dating apps encourage. She spent time reflecting with me about the patterns of my previous relationships in order to help clarify what worked and what didn’t.

Shortly after we met, Amy began setting me up with men she had carefully matched. At every step of the process, she would check in with me about how things were going.

When I eventually met someone, Amy was full of encouragement and we eventually parted ways since I was initially very happy with the person I was dating.

Unfortunately, the relationship I got into began to unravel 6 months later.  When it ended, I took some time for myself to recover.  The break up was painful, but when I eventually recovered Amy was my first call.  She responded right away and we reconnected shortly thereafter. She helped me process my experience and think carefully about how this changed my feelings about finding another partner. Once we reassessed, Amy again began to pair me with men she thought would be good matches.

I am still just getting back on my feet again with meeting new people, but thanks to Amy’s help things are off to a promising start. I am so deeply grateful for her guidance. I recommend her to the highest!” 

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“I’ve been a Linx client for the past year and a half — and I have nothing but positive things to say about Amy & the team.  This review is based on my actual experience as a (paying) client.

There are a few key things that you should know:  

*  BOTH men and women pay to be a part of Amy’s network, so there’s a level of commitment on both sides that just doesn’t exist with other services.  When Amy connects you with someone, you take them seriously.  

*  Amy’s screening process is extremely thorough.  She really dives into what you’re looking for, really gets to know you, and really puts thought into the folks she connects you with.  She asks questions that cover both the superficial and deeper down (say what you will, but both matter in dating!).  For example – one of the getting-to-know-you tasks is to assemble both a scrapbook of photos of people (anyone) you find attractive AS WELL AS photos of people you’ve dated.  Amy wants to see the spread between what you imagine you want and what you’ve actually shown attraction to — that’s key and clever.

* Everyone uses her!  Critical mass / network effect is so important with a matchmaker — you can be confident that you really are getting into a pool of like-minded people.  I signed up after independently asking 3 different friends (guys and girls) how they met their significant others, and all said “Oh, this awesome matchmaker named Amy Andersen.”  So the network is great.

*  The Linx process saves a ton of time.  The social proof begins right at the start — Amy tells you that you’re going to like this person.  Amy tells the other person that they’re going to like you.  Neither of you are going to flake (or face the wrath of Amy).  You know the other person is vetted.  They know you’re vetted.  This literally saves weeks in the traditional dating process of un-returned texts/calls, cancellations, changed-minds, etc.  You can be assured that at least the first date is going to be a good one.  And if there’s no chemistry, well, so be it, but that’s up to you 🙂

Anyway – that’s it.  It’s worth the $$, it’s worth the time.  

(PS – I ended up dating the FIRST person Amy set me up with for a year.  So there ya go.)”

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“I have known Amy — the heart and soul of Linx — for almost 20 years now. I have worked with her on and off throughout the years, and while I have never used her dating services (I am happily married), I feel that I know her well and I highly recommend working with her.

Amy is tireless. Of all the people I know, both professionally and personally, Amy is the most enthusiastic about her career. She loves what she does and it shows in the quality of her work and the volume of her successes, including an impressive number of marriages for her clients and their matches.

Amy has integrity. When she gives her word, she keeps it. If she makes an error — a rarity, I have found — she owns up to it and makes it right.

And Amy is connected. Amy’s been helping Bay Area and even international professionals find love for 15 years so her list of contacts is a mile long. So while I’m not “in the biz”, if you have very specific criteria for whom you’re looking for, Amy probably knows the perfect person for you.”

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“I attended a mixer hosted by Amy with Linx Dating and she was the perfect host. The atmosphere was pleasant and everyone who attended was very friendly. If you are on the dating scene and looking to meet the perfect match, Amy is definitely the person you need to “Linx” up with.”

 

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“I submitted my information and while I am not a premium member paying fees, Amy Andersen reached out about man and wanted to see if I would be amenable to meeting her client. We met and had a great time. What I appreciated was being considered for a match and having had the chance to meet a high quality man who shares many of my foundation values from faith to family life.”

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“I never actually became a client at Linx because the incredibly thoughtful CEO of the company encouraged me to pursue a local company in my hometown. Remarkably, even though she had no incentive (financial anyhow) to help me, she helped me pursue the other local service. She provided guidance, direction, and support along the way; and I eventually did sign with a similarly-minded local company. We exchanged a number of emails over a number of months. I found Amy to be incredibly professional, warm, and kind–and surprisingly accessible given her position in the company. I am entirely happy with the referral she gave me for a local matchmaking service she’s collaborated with before.

Amy was like a matchmaking fairy godmother to me as I contemplated taking the financial and emotional plunge of signing on with a service. She had no other incentive to do it other than wanting me to be happy and to get what I want. I never would have taken the plunge without her thoughtful, individualized guidance. For that reason, I would highly recommend Linx to anyone truly looking for a meaningful partnership. The woman in charge emanates warmth, caring, know how, and savvy. I’m sure it characterizes the rest of the company, too.”

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“I know there’s someone wonderful out there for me. I thought I would try Linx by seeking a professional to help me find the love of my life. Needless to say I’m not disappointed and I cannot say enough good things about Linx Dating. As far as the quality of Linx and the caliber of their clients as well as my interactions with the matchmaker herself Amy. 🙂

I found the website user friendly, easy to navigate, and extremely easy to submit information and pictures of myself. I was quickly matched to a wonderful man that I enjoyed spending time with. I cannot say enough wonderful things about him and what a great guy he is.

The caliber of the clientele compared to online dating has far exceeded my expectations. Amy has already done all the tedious, pre screening, love matching work. You will not be disappointed.

I cannot say enough wonderful things about Amy. She has an amazing talent in matching souls and putting love together. Amy is quick to respond. She thoroughly interviews, face times, all while making you feel comfortable, as if you were two friends having a conversation. She knows how to handle busy professionals allowing flexibility and alternative forms of live face to face conversations, text, and email. Amy asks little to nothing in return and only wants to assist us in finding love and happiness.

I highly recommend Amy and Linx dating. You won’t be disappointed and you will never return to regular online dating websites.”

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“Finding the love of your life can seem like an endless search, with ups and downs. The Linx process was professional, detailed, considerate, and very enjoyable. It was the third match that worked like a charm- where chemistry was firing in all directions.

I ended up proposing in 2011 to my beautiful soul mate and we got married in Fall 2017 Fall of 2017!  Amy even helped with my proposal planning making it seamless and thoughtful at Cavallo Point in Marin.

We are so blessed to have been matched and wouldn’t have ever met if it was not for this unique dating network. For anyone who wants to be introduced to quality, genuine men and women all of whom have been carefully vetted by Amy, this is an  excellent alternative to online dating and dating apps!”

 

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Seeking an accomplished single female of integrity, grace, and beauty for our exceptional 30-something bachelor

Linx is looking for single females between the ages of 25-33 years old for our mid-30’s bachelor residing in Southern California. We are happy to send details about our bachelor to qualifying candidates. To say he is exceptional, worldly, cute, highly educated, and super successful would be an understatement!

Are you 25-33 years old and….

– smart and educated / highly accomplished
– funny (as in sense of humor)
– caring and tender
– elegant, stylish, very feminine
– passionate, ambitious, sense of adventure and wonderment

Please email any leads to amy@linxdating.com  There is a small window open in our clients life and the next woman he meets and ends up in a relationship with will absolutely result in marriage. Timing is everything!

 

 

How and When to Talk Kids with Your Date

When it comes to deal breakers, we start filtering with the usual suspects: smoking, level of education, religious background, etc. However, life goals—like the decision to have children or not—shouldn’t be treated any differently.

 

According to the US Census Bureau’s survey in 2014, 28.9 percent of women between the ages 30-34 are . This percentage is at an all-time high and, according to other surveys, this trend isn’t stopping anytime soon. Women are postponing pregnancy or not having children at all. For many women thinking about their waning fertility, the topic of kids—to have them or not—is a topic better had sooner than after months of dating.

 

Although men don’t have a biological clock to contend with, they might have family expectations of their own or want to be sure their partner wants to remain before committing. In one poll conducted by the Associated Press in 2013, more than 8 in 10 men said they were interested in becoming fathers. With men’s continued desire to procreate and more women opting to postpone pregnancy, figuring out where kids—or if—kids fit into the plans is a crucial milestone.

 

Talking about future family plans is important, but it’s a tricky conversation to initiate. Women worried about family planning will want to initiate the conversation sooner, but often they do so at the risk of scaring potential partners off or making their partners feel like sperm donors. Men, on the other hand, might feel like they’re adding pressure to their partners to bear the burden of pregnancy.

Step 1. Consider timing.

 

The first three dates should not reference a future. Talking about your future life together before spending enough time together sends a desperate message: Your partner’s personality and behavior isn’t that important. If you’re bringing up kids before establishing any real connection, your partner will feel more like a means to an end instead of being an actual end.

 

The best time to weave hopes of a future family is when the relationship is transitioning from dating to something more serious. When it’s safe to assume you’ll see each other rather than wondering if you’ll see each other, you can start weaving in references to a future family without any kind of pressure-inducing discussion.

 

Step 2. Consider your word choice.

 

When you talk about a future family, nix the deadlines. The point of the conversation is to understand where your partner falls on the family-planning spectrum—not when you’d like to get pregnant/impregnate.

 

If you’re sure you want children, try:

• I never thought I’d say this, but I’m actually looking forward to driving a minivan full of little leaguers.
• Not now, but in the next few years, I’d be interested in starting a family.

 

If you’re sure you do NOT want children, try:

• Although I enjoy kids, I’ve never felt the call to have my own. I want to make sure you know that upfront, so you don’t miss out on any life experiences you might be looking forward to.

 

If you aren’t sure about having children, try:

• I haven’t spent too much time thinking about my future family. I think so much of that answer depends on my partner.

 

Step 3. Get honest about your needs.

 

If you’re sure you don’t want children and you know your partner does, do the right thing and set your partner free. To continue dating despite misaligned future paths is a waste of time for both of you. If, on the other hand, you’re sure you do want kids, and your partner doesn’t feel the same, do not waste your precious time trying to convince him or her otherwise.