Holiday Heartbreak – How to Put Back Together the Pieces

According to statistics compiled from Facebook status updates, the holidays are one of the peak times of year when breakups occur. This adds an extra layer of difficulty to an already complicated time of year. It is essential to take care of yourself and your aching heart so you can get back into the game as soon as possible.

Friend of Linx, Daniela Tempesta, who is a licensed psychotherapist in San Francisco has put together some great insights into holiday heartbreak. If you are experiencing some holiday blues this season, consider gaining a fresh perspective that Daniela offers in order to gain momentum in 2014 in your personal life. Here are some of Daniela’s tips on strategies for putting back together the pieces and how speaking with a therapist can assist that process.

1) Don’t Carry The Baggage Of Your Last Relationship Into Your Next One

People often run from one failed relationship to another in a desperate attempt to forget the pain in the arms of a new love. But if we don’t seize the chance to really process the grief from a breakup, we are likely to bring it with us into the next relationship. We may project feelings and memories onto our new partner that have nothing to do with them. For example, your ex may have severely broken your trust and as result you are constantly suspicious or accuse your new partner of deceiving you even though they are not. This is likely to result in you walking away from someone wonderful, or pushing that person away. Therapy can help you clear the marks of your last love and give you a clean emotional canvas to work with.

2) Own What Is Yours And Let Go Of The Rest

Many people incorrectly blame themselves for a relationship not working out. They are so busy feeling bad about themselves that they fail to take responsibility for the way they actually did contribute to problems with their ex. It is important that you are able to examine what happened with someone who can help you see it objectively. It is essential that you stop blaming yourself for things that are not your fault, because sitting with blame and shame weighs us down and keeps us stuck. It is also important that you uncover the problematic behaviors or patterns that you did engage in that were not helpful. A lot of the problems that came up in your last relationship probably existed long before you ever met your ex. That is because we have internal dynamics in place for understanding ourselves and relating to others that have been in place since childhood. It is essential to untangle this web before you step into the next relationship so that you don’t repeat the same patterns again.

3) Re-Discover Your Identity As A Single Person And Learn To Love Yourself

A large part of coping with the loss of a relationship is learning how to be single again. This involves learning how to be alone and really getting to know and love an independent you. Skipping this step can lead to dating people who are not right for you as a way of filling an empty hole in your heart. We often lose parts of our identity in our relationships, and therapy can help you connect with your truest self and put the pieces back together. In order to really love someone else, we must learn to love ourselves.

4) Improve Your Communication Skills

Effective communication is hard. It is both an art and a science. Communication problems are often the number one culprit in a failed relationship. Before moving onto your next relationship it’s important to examine how your communication style may have been the source of strife. Is your communication style passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, or altogether non-existent? For a relationship to work you need to be able to express yourself in a way that honors your voice and desires, but does not alienate or harm others. Remember, it’s not usually what people are saying, but how they are saying it (or what they are afraid to say) that is getting them into trouble.

The Dog Days Are Over | Guest blogger, 30 year old female, San Francisco

2012 was a turbulent year. It started with my college best friend getting engaged. Yes, I was insanely happy that my soul sister found what she was looking for in a spouse. But that and the collection of seven other weddings that I was attending over the next twelve months were starting to get to me. I was 29, hopelessly single with a string of dysfunctional casual relationships, and trapped in a job that was not challenging me. I felt like Bridget Jones – except I did not have a hunky version of Hugh Grant or Colin Firth in the picture.

I had never been one to judge myself against others – but I found myself questioning who I was and what I wanted. I didn’t need marriage – but I was starting to believe that happiness and real companionship were unattainable. I wanted more.

For a few months, I cried daily. I tried retail therapy, nights on the town with my girlfriends, marathon dating on eharmony and OKCupid and midnight food fests to distract myself. When I confided in my (married) older sisters – they gave me seemingly canned advice, “be open”. I laughed at them and pushed their words away.

Then I found out that a man that I once dated and still harbored some strong feelings was marrying someone else. I did not cry because of or over him – I cried because the fantasy that I constructed in my head of some planned future was shattered. And that’s when I really hit rock bottom.

But hitting rock bottom also made me find my truest self. My mother once told me that the only person you have to answer to is yourself. I looked in the mirror and did not like what I saw.

So the next month, I quit my job, started working out regularly (I wanted to train for half marathons, but kept postponing because of excuses) and spent two months in Europe. I literally took off. I needed to reset.

It worked. I turned 30 with a renewed sense of purpose and happiness. I did not love myself fully before. Like many women, I put up with female friendships and male relationships that were not good for me. It took time for me to recognize and change the negative patterns in my life.

Life is not always fair. The plans we construct in our youth or even in our twenties do not pan out. I’ve learned – through both my chaotic professional life at start-ups and in love – that you have to be open (yes, I hate that phrase but I am using it) to what comes your way.

And enter Amy Andersen….I met Amy during one of her VIP searches in 2011 and she has set me up over the past two years with various clients. Several of the connections were very good – some were lacking chemistry – but I gave all of them a shot.

In late 2012, I met my current boyfriend at one of her Linx events and he has changed my life. I had been toying with a business opportunity for some time – he was a major force behind me pursuing it with full force. My boyfriend has taught me so much about friendship, healthy relationships and what I am capable of. (He is also a year and a half younger than I am – so do not discount the younger man!) We are intellectual peers. Though we are enjoying the connection, we have our share of dating pains and candidly I do not know what the future holds for us. But I am sure that this relationship serves a purpose for me – to teach me respect, self-worth and that I can achieve anything I put my mind to.

This has been the most challenging and rewarding year of my life. I took a risk, changed the direction of my life and started to love myself.

So have faith and good luck on your journey! (And thank you Amy, for being a part of mine:-)

With Cougar Night In Hibernation, Where Else Can You Romance A Rich VC?

SiliconBeat | What’s next in tech

by: Peter Delevett

As I wrote this weekend, the weekly meat market at Menlo Park’s Rosewood Hotel known as “Cougar Night” was markedly toned down last Thursday, and at least one regular attributed it to a recent (bogus) blog post claiming Palo Alto vice cops had busted “several prominent Sand Hill venture capital executives” for soliciting prostitution.

While it may be too soon to write Cougar Night’s obit, if things continue to be subdued at the Rosewood’s swanky Madera lounge, it would raise the question as to just where enterprising ladies (or lads) can troll for a moneybags tech investor.

We asked Amy Andersen, founder and CEO of Menlo Park-based matchmaking service Linx Dating, where else the lovelorn might go looking for some VC action. Here are her ideas.

1. Restaurant 3000, 3000 Sand Hill Road (Conveniently located near the Rosewood!)

2. Black Rock Desert, NV, “where the VCs do rocketry on a big scale.” (Note: It gives you an excuse to troop out there without waiting until next year’s Burning Man.)

3. Village Pub, Woodside

4. Sharon Heights Country Club, Menlo Park

5. Whitefish, Montana. (Added bonus: You can visit the home of the very tasty Black Star Lager.)

6. The Maker Faire festival of innovation. (Gotta wait til next year, or you can head to the New York event later this month.)

7. Mazda Raceway Laguna Seca’s Ferrari racing days or Ferrari Challenge.

8. Stanford University alumni events. (Be sure to pick up a cardinal sweater.)

9. “Board games like Settlers of Catan are big with techies. They host nights at their homes … so you gotta learn the game and get invited.”

10. Madera at the Rosewood Sand Hill –  for breakfast. “Get there at 7 am for the movers and shakers.” (Hey baby, buy you a mimosa?)

I’d add a few more to Amy’s list: the Sharon Park Starbucks; Coupa Cafe in downtown Palo Alto; and, of course, the venerable Buck’s Woodside, which master of the house Jamis MacNiven told me last week is as busy as ever. Then again, the open seating plan at Buck’s isn’t exactly conducive to tawdry tête-à-têtes.

What about you? Where else do you go to meet venture capitalists — either for flings, or for funding?

Our feature medley of songs for this entry is Copacabana Deep by Paulo Arruda.