Is your relationship cheat-proof? Research reveals the most common reasons partners stray

 

After polling over 100,000 people, Chrisanna Northrup published extensive research on infidelity in her book The Normal Bar. Her findings explored not only the prevalence of cheating, but also perhaps more interestingly, she learned the situations that were most likely to encourage committed partners to stray.

 

1. The Business Trip

For frequent travelers, life on the road comes with loneliness and stress—two circumstances that make meeting a beautiful stranger a welcome distraction.

36% of men and 13% of women admitted to cheating on a business trip. Respondents claimed that the sexual liaison was just too enticing to pass up, even if they had a robust sex life at home. Researchers concluded that the infidelity was related to sex, but also with the thrill of being wanted sexually and being able to engage and get away with it.

How long into a relationship is the business affair most likely to happen? 6-9 years.

 

2. An ex

Even though the relationship maybe over, the feelings can still exist—especially for women. 32% of women admitted to having a fling with an ex or old interest, compared to 21% of men. Those who cheated with an ex reported a satisfying sex life at home; however, the forbidden nature of sleeping with someone who still holds emotional connectivity proved tempting.

How long into a relationship is an ex most likely to tempt? 2-5 years.

 

3. Boredom in the bedroom

A mundane sex life is a big reason men and women entertain the idea of getting their needs meet elsewhere. 71% of men and 49% of women cheated after claiming boredom in the bedroom. Often times, people cheat because they are ashamed of their bedroom preferences. In an effort to avoid the conversation, people will suppress their desire and ultimately engage in an affair later to indulge it or, unfairly, project the shame onto their partner.

 

4. Revenge infidelity

After a partner cheated, 9% of men and 14% of women admitted to cheating for revenge.

 

5. An inability to be monogamous

Despite entering a committed relationship, many people just can’t dismiss the urge to cheat. 46% of men and 19% of women who strayed and were asked why said, “I just can’t help myself.”

 

But are there reasons people cheat that are beyond their control?

 

We are ultimately responsible for our decisions, but some factors can certainly cloud our better judgment. After meeting someone interesting and attractive, the brain produces a surge of dopamine. The dopamine rush triggers an intense, addictive euphoria—a euphoria that leaves us begging for more, even if it’s outside of the confines of our relationship.

 

There could also be a genetic propensity for cheating. In one study,  researchers surveyed 294 participants and discovered that those who had at least one parent cheat were twice as likely to cheat as the participants who had parents who maintained committed relationships.

 

Is there hope after infidelity?

 

Ironically, affairs don’t necessarily indicate a broken marriage. Although difficult, one of the biggest hurdles to getting the relationship back on track is working through the “victim/perpetrator” mentality. According to Dr. Joe Kurt, Ph.D., LMSW, the betrayed partner can start thinking that because he or she was cheated on, it’s up to the cheater to make everything right again. This blame-focused approach will ultimately sabotage any chance at reconciliation.

 

The best hope for a couple is to talk through the cheating—both the cheater’s experience and the injured partner’s response—in the presence of a counselor or therapist. Together, they can figure out the best ways to rebuild trust and demonstrate transparency.

Casting Success!

For two days last week, nearly 24 hour cumulative hours of mini meetings, and 25 women later, our February casting was over and a wild success!

We chose the Four Seasons Hotel Silicon Valley, located in Palo Alto, for the meetings and housed ourselves on the comfy couches for two days where we screened intelligent and attractive women who had submitted their information for our consideration to meet our top VIP clients.

I was so impressed that every woman showed up before her actual appointment (with the exception of one who got lost), dressed the part, and came totally organized for us with photos of herself, an updated resume, and often pics of her ideal man.  Girls even flew in from Los Angeles to put themselves out there!  

We sat with each woman (of all ages ranging from 20’s to 50’s) and got to know each one individually. The conversations varied, my questions were bold and direct, and their responses were thoughtful and insightful.

My goal was to determine if the woman in front of me had the “IT” factor that we seek and, further, if she met the specific requirements of a current VIP client of Linx. Some absolutely blew me away with their poise, class, and accomplishments.  At the root of everything, though, was my desire to see if each girl was willing to be flexible – like a giant piece of old-fashioned taffy with her criteria.

Ever see taffy being made on that old machine? The push, the pull, the elasticity of give and take involved? Same thing with matchmaking. Clients (and I don’t care whether it is a VIP male/female or a regular type of client) need to be OPEN-MINDED and to allow lots of room for creativity. I was pleasantly surprised that the majority of these women were willing to be flexible with respect to their criteria (while ideally having matches adhere substantially to their core values).

We will be offering memberships this week to a few of these candidates and, while not everyone qualified, the rest will be held in the database for another time when there might be a better fit at that time. I can’t say enough just how grateful I am to have had so many fantastic women be so trusting of the process, be excited, and really have made that effort to potentially meet the men of their dreams!

We learned so much from each woman… What fascinated me is that regardless of an particular candidate’s background (ethnicity, age, academic, personality type, etc.), the common quality that each candidate shared that she desires to find in a man is a gentleman – someone who is confident and has integrity. Loyalty, being honest, being a good guy, and being faithful, too, is a huge one.  A lot of the women had dealt with infidelity from a mate. They had to learn to move on (or in some cases accept it) and start new. Remember to always value yourself and never overlook or accept infidelity. Chances are, if you forgive once, he will slip again and keep on cheatin’.

This week at Linx is particularly nuts with Valentines! I have a lot of men coming out from the good old woodwork wanting to join Linx (love that!) and many appointments this week with prospective clients and new clients joining. On a personal note, I can’t wait to share Valentine’s with my hubbie (and funny enough have a double date with my parents that night- super cute right?).

XO  Cupid’s arrow is pointing in your direction —–>>—->