When Harry Met Sally

As a professional matchmaker, I experience more than my fair share of moments of serendipity, coincidence, and bizarre irony. If only I could share the details of all the crazy stories and situations from the last 12 years of running Linx Dating…

Today, I watched a very interesting situation unfold from within my network, and see a great opportunity to illustrate two very important points about dating.

The story goes like this. A former female client of mine (let’s call her “Sally”) moved last year from the Bay Area to Boston for grad school. I had worked closely with her when she lived here and had actually matched to her someone with whom she had had a significant relationship. She arrived in Boston, single, and has been dating there with mixed success. Though I am not regularly in touch with clients who have moved, I do keep them on my radar, in my database, and in my mind, should a tailor-made opportunity arise.

Separately, my husband has a friend who recently referred a prospective male client to me who is based in Boston (let’s call him “Harry”). After corresponding with the candidate, we both realized quickly that I am probably not the best day-to-day matchmaker for him, given his plan to stay in Boston. However, I offered to do whatever I could for him with my limited Boston network, including introducing him to friends who might have tips about being single in Boston.

It then occurred to me that “Harry” and “Sally” could be a great match and beyond this should no romantic connection transpire, “Sally” could help strategize about ways to date intelligently in Boston.

I immediately reached out to “Sally” to see if she was still single – delighted to hear from me, she said that she, in fact, was still single and would be open to an introduction. I provided a very high-level overview of the potential match – basic biographical information, age, etc. She almost immediately interrupted me and said, “this guy’s name isn’t ‘Harry’, is it?” I said, “well, yes, it is Harry… wow… you know him?” She went on to say that she had had a first date with “Harry” months and months ago, had been interested and attracted to him, but had never heard from him again, then figuring that he had no further interest in her. She asked me to find out from him if she had done “something wrong” that had subsequently “turned him off.” I agreed to ping him to conjure up any intel I could.

I turned around and reached out to “Harry” and asked if he remembered “Sally,” explaining that apparently they already knew each other. “Harry” immediately remembered their date, described “Sally” to a tee, and said he had been interested in her, but had not followed up because he thought that she had no romantic interest in him. I couldn’t believe what I was reading right before my eyes!

After a few emails back and forth, both “Harry” and “Sally” were game to pick up the pieces where they left off. I proceeded then to “broker” a new meeting so that “Harry” could meet “Sally” again and now we’ll see what happens.

What lessons are here for those of you who are single and looking?

1. COMMUNICATION, SIGNALS, AND GAMES

I live this every day through my clients. Most of you probably know that there is a whole school of dating thought out there around strategic game playing, veiled communication, pickup artist stuff, etc. At the end of the day, no one wants to be bored and find complete predictability in their romantic dating – and it can be very hard to be transparent, vulnerable or open about your feelings early on in dating because you put yourself at risk to be hurt, and you also might worry that revealing too much too soon could either scare off the other person, or make them feel it is too “easy” and not enough of a challenge.

I won’t deny that there can be truth to all of that. But you have to follow your instincts – if you are out with someone and you honestly believe that there is something there, you don’t have to let it ALL hang out, but give the other person a bone. Show them SOMETHING. Whether it’s a flirtatious comment, touch, look, or whatever… or maybe you just say something if you are comfortable. If you don’t, you run the risk of being in a situation that “Harry” and “Sally” were in. And you might never have known what could have been.   So be aware of how you are coming across, and if you are “feeling it”, don’t get too cute or play it too cool or you just might miss out on something special.

2. THE POWER OF TRUE NETWORKS

Networking is a brutally abused term. It conjures up images of cheesy salespeople exchanging business cards over a superficial exchange of pleasantries and promises to follow up on whatever they might have been discussing.

But true networking is a long-term investment and I am reminded, on almost a daily basis, how hard anyone, whose career is based heavily on networks, has to work to expand, maintain, and nurture the network.   And I believe you have to build your network with TLC over time, with no regard as to how it might benefit you or anyone else in the future. In other words, it is often a selfless labor of love where you must enjoy the journey and know that it will bear fruit in the most unexpected ways.

The most successful real estate agents work hard over years and years to build meaningful relationships that result in repeat business and high-yield referrals. Moreover, they skillfully mine their specialized markets as arbitrageurs of even the smallest tidbits of information. And, in the process, they have hundreds of prospective deals that never happened, thousands of tidbits of advice they gave that netted them no money, and countless moments of frustration. But all of that work nets them a great reputation and plenty of wonderful deals to secure their business.

Linx Dating, in many ways, is no different. Had I not spend the last 12 years building my network this way, I would never have been in the position to allow my brain and my database to lead me to (unknowingly) reconnect “Harry” and “Sally.”

Everything else aside, it is the power of the Linx Network, that sets us apart in the matchmaking world.

Pace Yourself….

In the past few weeks, Amy and I have seen so many examples of dating foibles and relationship failures that probably could have been avoided with the right kind of pacing. In one instance, a couple had about fifteen dates, a break up, a reunion, and another break up all in the span of roughly three weeks. In a totally opposite situation, one couple never managed to meet at all because they started to play phone tag like increasingly adversarial business associates. And several other relationships just got off track as a result of two people moving at completely different speeds. We all know the importance of pacing ourselves with work, with exercise, with food, and even with family; if you binge you make yourself sick. And if you don’t pay attention to your needs, you can starve in all sorts of ways. Here are some of the ways in which the team at Linx thinks pacing is absolutely key:

When Planning Dates:

Start small. We know plenty of guys who are very eager to prove how serious they are about being in a relationship, so they book first dates at restaurants with tasting menus, show up in suits and order Krug, and on the following morning, they send a huge bouquet of roses. In theory, it seems like a great idea (and a romantic one) but here’s the problem… if you set the bar that high initially, how do you go up from there? If your first date is at Meadowood, where do you have your second? Or your third? Or your fifteenth? How do you signal an increasing level of interest and investment when you start with such a strong opening move? A relationship should build gradually, and your date choices should reflect that; it lets a woman see that you’re not just serious about being in a relationship, but that you’re serious about being in a relationship with her. You can certainly still be a romantic (and we encourage that) but start with someplace like Chapeau! or South Park Café instead of Coi, wear a good pair of jeans and a loafer with a great blazer, and if you must send her roses the next day, send her just one. Imagine how much more meaningful it will be when you can finally send her a dozen. 😉

When Having a Conversation:

We know; this is a hard one. There are few things more nerve-wracking that talking to a complete stranger for the first time… especially when you throw in some hope, excitement, and attraction. We really do get it. It’s hard. But when opening up for the first time in a conversation, you need to go slowly. If you have a tendency to bulldoze your way through a first meeting (ask a good friend if you do this) then feel free to say to say something to your date like “I sometimes get a little bit nervous around handsome men and start talking too much. Feel free to tell me if I start doing that.” With that statement you do three really useful things: you stop worrying about the problem because you’ve admitted it, you pay your date a very nice compliment, and you allow him to be partly responsible for making sure that it doesn’t happen!

If your problem is more one of divulging too much rather than saying too much (i.e. talking about your last bad relationship vs. blabbering about your dog) simply ask yourself “Would I want to know this about another person on a first date?” and “Do I know this person well enough to feel comfortable with them having this knowledge about me?” Some of us have had some really rough experiences – whether it’s a hard surgery or illness, a difficult divorce, or a rocky employment history, for example. And we sometimes get really worried about being rejected for this part of our past. Here’s a tip to keep that in check: if you’re on a date with the right person, they’re really only interested in connecting with you in the present to see if the two of you might have a future. We all have a past, so leave it behind you unless and until a discussion of that topic becomes absolutely necessary.

When Moving Ahead:

As adults who are serious about relationships, we can sometimes let the idea of ending up with someone become more powerful than the reality of dating them. It can be so easy to project and plan, to anticipate and forecast. We are so anxious about finding the missing pieces to the puzzles of our lives that we sometimes try to force a fit that should never happen. Lots of people look good on paper and great in person, but that doesn’t mean they look right when cast in the movies of our lives. We don’t get to script our relationships. We don’t get to decide what other people should feel and when they should feel it. All we can do is focus on ourselves; we can listen with our hearts, but hear with our heads. And we should never let the way we feel about someone and the way we think about them become too discordant. You can’t really have a healthy relationship with someone you don’t respect. You can’t respect someone you don’t trust. And whether we like to admit it or not, learning to truly trust someone takes time.

Too often, we hear clients say that they can’t wait to be done with dating and “get to the good stuff.” Guess what? Dating IS the good stuff. So start small and aim high, but tread slowly at first. Take bigger steps as your connection deepens, but pace yourself; in the best relationships, the happiest married couples continue to actively date each other for the rest of their lives!

If you are interested in our private date coaching sessions, we would be delighted to hear from you. amy@linxdating.com

The Sound….of Silence

Blog written by: Linx staff member, Michael Norman

Occasionally we get questions from Linx members about dating experiences and anxieties that are all too common, and we decided that it makes sense to answer those as part of a semi-regular column that addresses the real questions and concerns of Linx readers and members like you. This week we’re tackling the issue of “icebreakers” on a first date. Next week, who knows? Don’t be shy about submitting your own questions, dilemmas, and experiences; this blog has thousands of readers, so if you’re having a particular problem, the odds are good that someone else is, too.

This week, anonymous Linx member SayAnything? sent us the following question:

“Dear Amy,

I had been researching first date questions to start conversations and found article after article (and even books) with questions I would never ask anyone on a first date:

-“What is your earliest memory of feeling wonder?”

-“What do you think of the space program?”

-“If you had to write a limerick about this date, how would it go?”

Seriously? I wondered if the people that were writing these articles had ever heard the deafening silence bound to follow after asking such questions. It goes without saying that one would read as much topical news as possible before a date to be able to talk about innocuous things like Oscars, sports, etc. But can you really start a date conversation with, “How do you lose a 777?” without sounding callus? I weeded out work related questions, politics, dating past, and questions that had a negative connotation (i.e. what is your pet peeves?) but my list gets really small. What should I do?

Do you have any conversation starter suggestions? What question is best to ask when there is a lull? I wondered if you had written an article about this from your perspective (or someone on your staff)? Have you ever polled people from your Twitter as to their favorite question to start a date conversation?”

Answer:

Actually, we haven’t polled people on Twitter about their favorite first date questions, but what a great idea! Send us yours now (@linxdating) and we’ll update this later with results. In the meantime, here are some thoughts about the Do’s and Don’ts of good first date conversation.

It is really important to remember that while your first date is an opportunity to learn about another person, it is also an incredible opportunity to let your date learn things about you. That brings us to Rule #1:

Rule #1: Do not ask a question that you would not want to (or cannot) answer!

A good first date question is one that can be flipped. In other words, your date should be able to end his/her answer by saying “and what about you?” or “what are your picks?” or “where would you go?” If there are stories or things about yourself that you’d like to share, or topics with which you know you’re really comfortable, this is a great way to make sure you reveal those sides of yourself. If there are things about your life or past that you don’t really want to discuss, this also helps you stay out of that territory. You don’t need to have a script, but you should be prepared to have an answer to any question you would ask. I once spent twenty minutes describing my favorite books at the request of a date who then stonewalled me with “I don’t really read,” when I asked him his own question. Do not be that person.

Rule #2: Try to keep your questions in the present, and facing forward.

It is inevitable that two strangers will go through the standard questions about hometowns, colleges, family, and jobs, but make sure that you don’t dwell in the past. Remember that this is not an interview; it’s okay if there are a few gaps in someone’s CV or personal history. You do not need a complete timeline on the first date; what you do need is a sense of what his or her life looks like in the present, and what they enjoy and value now. Ask questions that give a sense of how well your date’s interests and outlooks might mesh with your own. Here’s a good example: if you love travel, instead of asking “Where did you last travel?” ask something like “If you could go anywhere next weekend where would you go, and why?” With that one question, you might find out that you’re with someone who prefers roadtrips to airlines, values family time more than adventure, or thinks one day in Paris is worth two days on a plane. What someone wants to do is almost always more telling than what they’ve done, which brings us to:

Rule #3: Be more concerned with thoughts and feelings than with facts.

Just as you don’t want to conduct an interview on a date, you also don’t want to play therapist (stay away from too many questions about someone’s childhood). You do, however, want to know what gets them excited and passionate, and keeps them engaged. Asking “what’s your favorite book?” might get you a very brief answer or the useless “it’s hard to pick a favorite,” but asking “What are three of your favorite books, and why?” can reveal an unexpected interest or hobby. It’s also great to ask about favorite experiences like “What happened on your favorite family vacation?” or “Can you remember the first thing that you cooked for yourself that you actually liked eating?” It’s more than okay to have periods of silence in a conversation, especially if they take place while one of you is composing a thoughtful answer. There is a difference between an occasional awkward silence and actual dead air. In fact, this brings us to:

Rule #4: It’s ok to be awkward.

No, it’s not ok to be intentionally awkward, and it’s definitely not ok if you feel like your date is purposely trying to make you uncomfortable. But it is really important to keep in mind that you are two strangers who just met; something is bound to be less than ideal. And actually, that’s great; you get the opportunity to see how your date responds in a less than ideal situation where the stakes are low, and no one is too invested. Don’t stress yourself out about asking all of the right questions. Just make sure that you have the right approach and the right attitude; be optimistic, be open, be compassionate, and listen. It turns out that the actual questions are a lot less important than the spirit in which you answer them. So, finally:

Rule #5: Be genuine.

The worst thing you can do on a date is misrepresent yourself. Don’t pretend to be interested in things that truly bore you. Don’t bring up topics you don’t want to discuss. Don’t be silent about your own likes and dislikes because you don’t want to be judged. Remember that, at heart, all Linx members are looking for the same thing – real and lasting human connections. So if you find yourself sitting across from a first date and neither of you knows what to say, start with the question that most single people would like to be asked more often; smile, take a deep breath, and open with “How was your day?”

Wanna Increase Your Odds of Falling In Love? Here’s How!

I am continually reminded that it is about the basics when it comes to dating. My clients tell me so much information and I soak it all up like a sponge. Here are my top 16 tidbits (I tried for 10 but there were too many good ones.)

1. If you are frazzled from a crazy work day, take 5 minutes before your date to do some deep breathing, reset yourself, and shake off the work stress. First impressions are everything. Try to do everything you can to enter the date with a fresh outlook, a kick in your step, confidence, and a vibrancy about you. If deep breathing doesn’t work for you, figure out what your quickest “reset button” is and learn to use it.

2. On your date try the simple act of listening more than you speak. Ask questions and show a keen, genuine interest in getting to know whom you are out with.

3. Even if you know that your date is not ultimately for you, always remember that the world is a small place. In other words, reputation is everything, so be kind, considerate, and respectful. Although you might have quickly made up your mind, spending an hour with your date won’t hurt you. In actually might pay large dividends in your personal life. You never know who your date is friends with. Keep it on the up and up and perhaps he/she will introduce you to one of their friends.

4. Don’t ever, ever stand anyone up. Your name goes in an infamous little coveted black book. See #3, above, if you are still considering standing someone up.

5. Stop trying so hard. Just be yourself. Let the proverbial hair down. Stop bragging or peacocking. Do you want to come across as self-absorbed? I didn’t think so.

6. Show some vulnerability, be human, be wise. Share something personal. Watch how your date reacts verbally and non-verbally. If anything, it will be telling and a good dating “data point.”

7. Remember that your date is in the same boat as you and probably has the same, if not more, nerves than you. He/she is human too. It’s ok to have butterflies – you’re not a robot are you?

8. Brush up on world affairs and current events. Try to be in the know and be prepared to engage in a wide range of interesting topics.

9. If you are dieting, don’t tell your date you need to drop 10. Order some sashimi and a salad, skip the booze, and a diet coke. No one wants to hear about how you struggle with weight. It just isn’t sexy.

10. If you talk about your ex for more than 10 minutes, then maybe you aren’t over your ex. Dating too soon after a break-up or divorce can be disastrous.

11. Watch your alcohol intake. 2 glasses is fine, 5 is not. Slurring isn’t attractive, neither is driving under the influence. Be responsible and take an uber if you’re going to drink. You know what happens when you lose judgment. You might do something you’ll later regret.

12. SLOW DOWN. Stop dating in such high volume that you lose focus on the end goal of finding true love. Think with an intelligent approach of quality over quantity.

13. Even if you are unsure as to how you feel about your date (but think he/she is worth continuing getting to know over the course of more date(s)), express yourself and communicate. Let your date know that you are having fun, enjoying the evening, and that it would be fun to do it again. Your date is not a mind reader. Furthermore your date might be wondering how you feel about him/her. Give your date a verbal roadmap.

14. FLIRT. What? Are we in a business meeting and about to fall asleep on a conference call? Do the dance and reveal the sassy, fun, flirty, side of you. Do you want to fall into the friendship zone?

15. If you’re a cerebral type, try to get out of your head and work on tapping into feeling. Over-analyzing everything on the date (and after) can be exhausting.

16. Don’t judge a book by its cover. Never been into the bohemian, coffee shop drinking guy who lives in a loft in the Mission? Or the preppy Cow Hollow girl? You just never know who will end up surprising you. Whoever figures out the secret sauce for what chemistry really is, will retire on a very large private island with a lifetime of mai tais and foot massages.

What Do Bay Area Men and Women Really Want? Turn-Ons and Turn-Offs

We compile a lot of very useful data about eligible men and women based on our extensive get-to-know-you process. Sometimes we see interesting trends and nuggets of dating wisdom that clients and friends of Linx share about what they really look for in a match and what turns them off.

Here are some random insights into the world of matchmaking at Linx in Silicon Valley.

Men don’t want to hear about a woman’s dramas, dramatic past breakups, and complaining in general!!

A lot of women who feel a connection on a first date feel that it is completely appropriate to do a “data dump” of tons of information on that first date. This includes talking at great length about the ex, the numbers of guys she is dating, how desirable she is, and just unleashing a lot of emotional baggage on the date- this could include saga stories about work (i.e., hating the job and so on) and just being plain negative. This comes a situation of “too much too soon” syndrome and information that is inappropriate for a first date. No one wants to hear it. That is why women have girlfriends and do mani and pedi days with one another. Husbands don’t even want to hear this stuff half the time, let alone a first date!

First date turn-offs for women…#1 stop playing games!!

After a great first date where there appeared to be sizzling chemistry on both sides it can become a dicey situation of game playing. There are so many guys that obsess about calling on the right day after the first date, playing hard to get, not returning calls, and the list goes on. If you are into someone, communicate that. If they aren’t into you, move on. My advice is to be yourself and take ownership of how you feel. Although men are often even more scared of rejection then women are, you gotta jump all in…or else….you might never know!

Top three most oft-cited first date turn-ons for men


#1 A woman who accentuates her femininity and flirts with ease.

#2 A woman who laughs easily and is confident in who she is.

#3 A woman who is complex and intellectually provocative. She possesses knowledge around a wide range of subjects. It means being interested in ideas, regardless of the topic, and being willing to engage with them. This often goes hand in hand with being interested in books, politics, film, the arts, dining, and travel.

Top three most oft-cited first date turn-ons for women


#1 He was a total gentleman throughout the evening. He is polite, opens doors, is attentive, thoughtful, and is always making sure his date is content throughout the meal, asking good questions, and is paying attention to his date versus looking around the room with a wandering eye or a “grass is always greener” mentality.

#2 He ends the evening with conviction and declares his intent to see his date again. He looks her in the eye and states his intentions of wanting to see her again and kisses her softly saying he will call her tomorrow and he does so the next day as promised. This is so simple but so many guys seem to miss the ball with this one.

#3 Tall, dark, and handsome ok, ok…. at least clean-cut, nicely dressed, wearing a good pair of Italian shoes. Gets them every time. 😉

Engagements and Happiness at Linx

Announcing another amazing Linx couple who is newly engaged! Both are in their mid 30’s, Ivy League MBAs, execs, and extremely dynamic people. He popped the question a little over a year after their very first date in Aspen right after Valentine’s Day! They have a wonderful love story and are in the midst of a lot of exciting planning now. Her ring is one of the most stunning and dramatic sparklers I have ever seen. I called it her “ice cube” on her finger as it is that impressive. Lucky girl! Perhaps they will get married in Aspen?

They had both dated a lot on their own before coming to Linx. He was VERY skeptical of Linx before he became a client (even though he was referred in by a former client and trusted source). This gentleman had been in one very bumpy relationship that sort of took the wind out of him, had worked too much, didn’t have any balance in his life, and made excuses along the way.

The day of his meeting with me, he cancelled, sharing, “I lack the time for a relationship and don’t have the interest to move forward.” Was I initially disappointed? Absolutely. Being in business 10 years now and having a deep insight into humans in general, I knew there was much more to the story than that.

I knew I could help him – it was only a matter of shifting his focus and giving him the clarity he needed. Luckily, he agreed (with quite a lot of doubt and huffing and puffing) to simply “take a meeting” with me. We shared stories and instantly clicked, talking for over an hour at my office.

At the end of the meeting, he said something along the lines of, ok what is next, how do I sign up? I had been a catalyst in restoring his faith in love and helping him see that his bar should be set high (to stop dating ‘down’) and to aim for the stars because he is worth it and I knew I could help him.

He took the plunge and did Linx, hit the jackpot with introduction #3, and 13 months later from the time he joined, proposed to a woman who radiates beauty inside and out. He just wrote me, “life is great. :)”   This is just one of the many stories of clients that I have seen over the years at Linx.

Today I received an email from a smart young woman who cancelled her appointment with me as part of our casting week mid week, next week. She said she is tired, in a dating slump, not in a good mental place, and just drained from putting herself out there on dates with “nothing to show.” I told her I can SO relate to that frustrating feeling and sentiment. The honest truth is she isn’t ready at this EXACT moment. I believe if she takes some time off, she will have the mental agility and freshness needed to take a leap forward in the right direction. As they say, it is all about timing!

I brought a brilliant- yes literally- brilliant young woman into Linx today as a new client. 25 years who who went to college at ten years old!  When I was ten, I was still convinced a monster was under my bed at night and I obsessed over My Little Pony and my Pretty Cut & Grow! I was definitely not focused on selecting the right college courses and fretting over advanced calculus!

We also met with a young Silicon Valley engineer today who needed some date coaching. My husband sat in on the meeting to speak guy-to-guy…hoping that might sink in a little bit more for our client. It did. My husband’s sage advice was (and this can absolutely carry over for women when you date):

1. Show empathy on your date. Try to get at the essence about what makes your date tick.

2. In preparation for your date, channel something (this could be anything) that makes you laugh and feel giddy! Carry that energy into your date. Lead with that light hearted, carefree spirit.

3. Stop being mechanical and going through the motions of being on a date. When you let go and dance through the conversation, it will flow much better. My client explained he felt tripped up and stressed when the waiter was late to take the order. I told my client I want him to try to work on a feeling of lingering through the date. Be so enraptured by your date you don’t even NOTICE if something is wrong. When my husband and I had our very first date- get this- the waiter took 2 hours to finally take our order. We laughed, smiled, and rolled with it. We were so engrossed in one another, we didn’t care for a second. 

 

You Gotta Give Him Something To Work With | Subtle Flirting

I just finished a screening with a young and fabulous woman in her mid twenties. She is absolutely stunning, runs a successful business, classy, sweet and a total “whole package” sort of young woman. Spending the last many years focused on her career, she has made some very big changes this year to make dating a priority. She has relocated to a new place outside of her comfort zone, really putting herself out there exercising different avenues to date and find a great match. Today she shared that her trouble has not been getting the dates; it’s getting the men she is interested in to ask her out for date two. 

You see, she’s a good girl and not someone who sleeps around at all. I was able to quickly bypass a lot of layers (since I know men and women quite well in hearing hundreds upon hundreds of stories) and see that she is probably the type who feels guilty/weird/yucky/dirty/fill in the blank when flirting because she thinks if she flirts, a guy will see her solely as a sex object and not take her seriously as a smart young lady. 

It’s the same dilemma I witness with some of my older female clients who have been these major powerhouses in the business world. For these women (in many cases) where they date after divorce, it is really hard to conceptualize how to flirt without diminishing one’s strengths, smarts, achievements, etc. 

I told this young lady today that there are degrees to flirting and that she can learn to flirt without worrying about portrayed in the wrong light. At the end of the day, remember that men are simple creatures. As simple as they are, you gotta give them a bone at some point. No bone, not a happy, content pup. Bone equals calm doggie and a happy one very satisfied with the person who gave him the bone.

Give your date something to work with. If you don’t,  he’s quickly going to read that you aren’t into him. In other words, the advice I gave to this young woman is to take a step towards him on the date and do the so called “dating dance” otherwise this potential boyfriend material guy will bucket her as “friend” or worse yet “a business buddy.”

When dating, do the dating tango and step towards him on the date through your verbal and non-verbal actions. Compliment him. If you are feeling good about things, give off a vibe of something along the lines of:

I’m liking tonight

I’m liking you

I’m into this cool restaurant you picked

I’m at ease around you

You make me laugh

You make me LOL 

You’re so cute

You’re so cute I want to kiss you

You’re such a gentleman 

You are different from other guys

I feel good around you

I feel happy right now 

I am in the company of a good guy

You’re super hot

How can you be so smart and down to earth? 

Who said dating is arduous? 

If you are stiff/business-like/one of the boys or simply don’t emote any hint at digging him, he’d rather quickly size you up/down and place you in the “colleague” or “friend” bucket IN FEAR OF getting rejected. 

For all he knows, since you haven’t given any VIBE off, he thinks you don’t like him/ or just cold/uptight. Did you hear that? It’s true. These guys will think you aren’t into them EVEN IF YOU ARE and think he is the cats meow. So girl, work it. You can work it and do it is in subtle and classy way. 

Male emotions are a lot less complex than female emotions. They know what they want and what they don’t want, and they will rarely admit this but they scare easily! From my dating experience  and a matchmaker for over a decade – men don’t typically like to discuss feelings and express interest unless they are certain it’s okay. So, in a nutshell ladies – the right man will be more than happy to be chivalrous and take initiative but if you like him; let him know! Great ways are subtle flirting, complimenting and simply letting him know that you enjoy his company. These things will put the guy at ease and let him know that it’s okay to ask you out on that next date!  

Use one of my compliments above on your date and see what happens. You can certainly try it verbally or give the vibe of one of the compliments non-verbally. If you are INTO the guy, thank him for being a gentleman and tell him you feel good around him. Smile. Smile again. Hug him at the end of the night. Hold your gaze into his eyes for 15 seconds and see what happens.  Confused? Email me: amy@linxdating.com. We do date coaching every week and take appointments from many non-members of Linx. Don’t be shy. Be bold.

Valentine’s Date Scenario One : Over the Moon for You!

With Valentine’s Day less than 21 days away (where does the time go?) we thought we’d remind you to start thinking about how you plan to spend the day.

We were delighted when our friends at Tog + Porter offered their help on coming up with feminine and flirty outfit ideas. In fact, they even took it a step further and asked me to come up with specific date scenarios for them.

Together, we’ll be posting three distinct dates, each with a different relationship status and of course outfit! They recently posted the first date “Over the Moon for You” in the style guide section of their site.

 

Here’s the scenario I gave them: 

He’s a total romantic and rolls out the red carpet for his lady that he now calls his girlfriend. He tells her to dress up in a cocktail dress and heels for a night on the town. Her style by day is a bit of a risk taker, downtown chic combined with lots of patterns, textures, and obscure designers. She is the type to splurge on a few very pricey items each year and find fabulous bargains on others.

On Valentine’s, his driver arrives at her condo and he greets her with a stunning bouquet of her favorite flowers. The couple heads to Bix for live jazz and the perfect kir royales. Although she always says she doesn’t want one, he suggests her favorite “off the menu” mini truffled grilled cheeses for an appetizer. Is this guy a keeper or what?

Dinner follows and he surprises her with savory and sweet soufflés at Cafe Jacqueline in North Beach to share. The driver takes them back to her apartment where he walks her to the door. He pulls out a red box in his coat pocket. Not an engagement ring yet (too soon!) but a stunning Cartier gold love bracelet. She’s over the moon! He’s thrilled he lucked out on such a gorgeous catch!  An incredible kiss follows and an ‘I love you’ via text 5 minutes later.

So what’s a gal to wear on such a date? Here’s what Tog + Porter came up with: 

Valentine’s Day is the perfect day to wear a flirty red cocktail dress. This dress can be worn two different ways. First, it can be paired back to this Veda leather jacket (obscure designer), lace booties (texture/pattern), and a classic black clutch. Or it can be paired back to tone on tone black polka dot tights (texture/pattern), simple black pumps, and again the classic black clutch.

The second look, which includes a bronze peplum dress (textured fabric/on trend with the peplum) can also be worn two ways. It can be worn with opaque tights and booties for a bit of edge, or sans tights and just the classic peep-toe. 

The studded heart bag is just the right amount of embellishment where it can stand on it’s own or easily compliment a lovely Valentine’s gift.

Need help putting together your Valentine’s Day outfit? Tog + Porter can help. Sign up for a style consult today. Need help coming up with date ideas, give me a ring. Also stay tuned for my two other dates scenarios: Adventurous and Quirky and Come to My House for Dinner. Coming Soon! XO

 

Busiest January Ever!

It’s only January 15th and we are swamped! Love all of you writing us and clients coming in to renew and catch up with us as well. Today we had a meeting with a gorgeous 50-something woman, followed up a catch up with a 50-something VIP gentleman who is super sexy and successful (if you are a 30-40 gorgeous gal, ping me ASAP…this guy wants marriage and babies!), and a lovely interview with a charming and sophisticated 28-year old East Coast bred female who is preppy and smart!  Lots of calls today with clients and matchmaking too.

Lovely fresh flowers at our office this week…..

Tomorrow we have interviews with two gentleman, one who is an accomplished scientist in the Valley and beyond cerebral (early 40’s) and another who is a late 40’s very good looking (slightly shy) venture capitalist.  I love LOVE love my job!

I just ran into two separate couples that I set up over the weekend too. One was at a dinner locally with my hubbie. I did a double take and saw one of our younger Linx couples (both mid 20’s) sitting together with his mother at dinner in the booth next to us. So cute! He introduced me to his mother after their dinner. This couple is so fabulous and living together! Both their VERY FIRST introduction through Linx. Talk about success. The next day, I ran into another Linx couple (both are in their 60’s). He was her first match and she was his second introduction. They were seeing a film together (Life of Pi…a major mist see but be prepared for a serious tear jerker) and I had never seen her so happy before! At peace, radiant, happy, and looking healthy. To find that elusive chemistry….

I‘ve also gotten good feedback from clients about matches they (at first) were a little skeptical about. Maybe from a different look, career, or age. Being open-minded and having a malleable mind and approach is KEY to successful matchmaking. Too restrictive, unrealistic, or close-minded simply doesn’t work for us at Linx. You must let go of the list and trust in this unique ultra-personalized process of matchmaking to see the success you desire. Sometimes matches do not work out after a few dates or months. That is life. Nothing is predicable yet in being open, you substantially increase your odds of meeting that incredible match to call your future husband or wife! My project is almost finished. A cozy new “passionate” nook in my study. Walls are done. Now waiting to get some art work for my mom to complete the look. 

 

 

E. Jean from ELLE Magazine recommends Linx | September 2012 issue

Linx Dating is mentioned on page 498 of the September issue of ELLE Magazine. Columnist and dating expert, E. Jean, recommends Linx and says, “when choosing a matchmaker, go with the best…Amy Andersen of Linx Dating. They handle high-profile humans whose list of demands make yours look like Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s.”  Thanks to E.Jean for the great mention!

Our featured song is Ini Kamoze- Here Comes the Hotstepper featured in the ’94 film Pret a Porter.