I hate to use that phrase but it’s the big elephant in the room in the media regarding dating in Silicon Valley – and, unfortunately, we have to address it head-on because it has serious implications. This is a somewhat nasty blog entry but it’s also a nasty problem.
As just one example, yesterday, I screened a female prospect for one of my male VIP clients, and she asked for my advice, as she’s met a couple of guys out there who clearly have a chip on their shoulders about this issue, assuming that all women are after for them for their money.
My first observation… let’s not be naive. As a relationship between two people grows, money will eventually become a practical consideration, and an important conversation to have, because it does affect lifestyle, planning, and all of the rest.
But… let’s not get ahead of ourselves. It really should NOT be much of an issue at all in the early stages of dating. You’re just getting comfortable, having fun, establishing chemistry and rapport, and all of the rest. Frankly, you don’t know each other well enough to be broaching that subject and if money stuff is polluting things this soon, it’s almost certainly not the right person and you can cut bait if you are getting bad vibes.
Trust your intuition – if you are a well-intentioned woman dating a guy who has ANY emotional intelligence whatsoever, he will pick up on the fact that you are not only down to earth, but non-materialistic as well. And if he doesn’t get it, well then…
That was the stock advice that I used to give to women on this topic. And I still do believe it, for the the most part.
HOWEVER, let’s reverse roles, go a bit deeper and try to understand the guy’s point of view a bit.
Many of these dudes have had bad experiences with women who were with them for the wrong reasons – we all know women like that. The guys then build a bit of a calcified shell to protect themselves from being burned and that can be really unpleasant to deal with.
A lot of guys have a tough time, in social settings, picking the right girl. “He” could be a good guy, but also be wildly attracted to someone, typically thinking with his ‘other’ brain. But “she” could be precisely the type who quickly discovers he has deep pockets and is in it for the wrong reasons.
So… how can you tell if the guy is being an overly judgmental arrogant ass, or if he is really just a good guy who is a bit jaded with a protective shell, but who has a wonderful core?
Well, build trust and, over time, peel back your layers to be a little “raw” and even a bit vulnerable. Allow him to see this more exposed side of you and hopefully he will feel comfortable opening up so that you all can get at what is causing him to feel this way, and then you go naturally on from there.
But understand that, by opening yourself up this way, you could get hurt. That is always a risk when you are getting to know someone. And so you MUST rely on every bit of emotional intelligence that you have.
Just the way some really good guys have a disturbing habit of being attracted to the wrong kind of women, some guys are also just general douche bags who lead with chauvinism and a strong materialistic overtone. They flaunt their wealth and peacock with their possessions to attract women and this has nothing to do with calcified shells to protect themselves.
This “shiny sports car” sort of guy typically ends up with the wrong women and keeps this pattern going through relationships, or sometimes even marriage after marriage. He does this to feel worthy, wanted, desirous, and like the big d**k in the room.
Those are the guys you obviously want to avoid.
So what do you do, net net? I say don’t be scared to put yourself out there and to show your kind heart, should your intuition be telling you that you’ve found a good guy who happens to be somewhat impenetrable. But you need to hone your asshole detector so that you don’t get your heart ripped to shreds by the coyotes who are looking for an easy dinner.