Autumn is just around the corner…. are you ready to Fall in love?

September and October always usher in a very active season at Linx, and this time of year is actually great for dating in general. With summer travel over, the holidays not quite in sight, and evenings still warm, this is the perfect time to focus on your personal life! In order to reap the rewards use deserve this time of year (it is, after all, harvest season) it’s important that you do two things; be positive, and look forward. And here is a plan for doing just that.

Before your next date, I’d like you to do 2 things.

1.) Make a list of all of your positive qualities. And ONLY your positive qualities. Make it a list of all of the reasons you think someone should want to date you. Yes, all of them. And write them as “I AM…” statements rather than “People think I am…” or a “Someone should like me because….”

This should just be a list of ALL of your positive qualities and attributes, even if they seem really minor or trivial to you. For example, here are a few of mine:

I am compassionate

I listen well

I make an outstanding chocolate chip cookie

I’m naturally affectionate

I have nice forearms (according to E. Jean Carroll)

I do not get morning breath

I am close to my family

I’m good with kids

I’m marriage-minded

I am loyal

I have a great circle of close friends

Note that this is just a small sample of MY list. Yours could (and should) be entirely different. And your list should be long, and exhaustive. It should a true inventory of the things you like about yourself, and absolutely know are the reasons someone else could value, respect, and love you. And once you’ve written the list, you need to read it. Out loud. Several times. You need to accept and embrace all of these things as facts about who you are, and you need to read it over and over again until you can say each of these facts out loud, and not let the little voice inside your head follow any of them with a “But….”

Once you start to accept these great things about yourself, it’s then time to face forward, and think about how you’d like to share these parts of yourself with someone else. Do this by making a list of things you either don’t do as much as you’d like, or don’t do at all, but would want to do in a relationship. For those of us who telecommute or consider ourselves homebodies, it’s really important that this be a list of things meant to take place OUTSIDE of your home. Again, here’s part of my list as an example:

I would like to hike more.

I would like to take weekend trips to Carmel.

I would like to spend more time at Ocean Beach

I would like to go to more romantic restaurants

I would like to see more concerts

I would like to have dinner with other couples

I would like to spend a few weekends in Tahoe and Palm Springs

I would like to plan some international travel

I would like to start cycling

I would like to take a couples’ massage class

I would like to go kayaking

I would like to let someone else get to know me.

This list is just as important as the first; the former is catalog of what/who we are, while the second is roadmap for what we want our lives to look like. When you make this list, you are, in many ways, describing what you want in your relationship. You are giving it shape. You are allowing yourself to visualize it. And once you can visualize it, so can the person with whom you’re on a date.

Often, people go on dates and simply describe their lives just as they are. They tell each other all about how they live as single people, they don’t talk about what they might want to be different, and they don’t allow their dates to see how he or she might fit into the picture. If you want someone in your life, you have to invite them in. You have to let them know what role they might take. And you have to give them the opportunity to be part of a negotiation around shaping a future together. So be sure to work on building self-esteem around all of your positive qualities, and invite someone you like into your life by telling him or her all about what you hope to see happen in your short- and mid-term future; if you believe in the quality of your offering and extend the invitation, how else will your date be able to R.S.V.P. for love?

If you’re ready to find your match, email us today amy@linxdating.com

Stop Playing Games | Dating Advice

When it comes to dating, who do you think plays more games? Men or women? I think women always think that men do the game playing (and in a lot of cases I think that can be very true) but from a behind the scenes perspective at Linx, I’d have to say the women appear to have the tendency to play more head games with the guys.

Our guys at Linx are pretty simple guys who at the end of the day want to find a lasting, genuine connection. They sign up for Linx because they work a lot, loathe the idea of sifting through hundreds of online profiles after work, have limited social resources for set-ups through friends, and have a high bar for what they want. They trust my team that we have listened carefully, intuited their type, and will deliver.

As a matchmaker, my routine for setting up clients has become ever more rigorous as we want to eliminate ANY reasons for them to turn down a proposed match.  For example, as I present a match candidate to a client, I ask a few high level questions, like these, to ensure that we are on the right track:

Do you think you know this person? 
Are you in town and is the timing good for you? 
Do you like the sound of my match candidate? 
Do you feel excited about the possibility or luke warm? 
Do you have any concerns from the gate? 
Do you have any major questions for me before we proceed? 
Are you completely unattached? 
And on and on…..

Once we reach that point and with any questions answered, if both the respective male and female are equally jazzed and pumped up to meet one another, THEN we “green light” the match and proceed. The engines are all fired up. Behind the scenes, I’m pacing back and forth like the rat in a laboratory cage wondering if the sparks will fly. At this stage, both parties have officially received their respective match bios describing each other – each is a completely original take on who their fabulous date is. No last names, no photos, only a vivid, luscious description with words to build up that anticipation … and have those engines continue to vroom vroom baby.

A scenario that we REALLY try to avoid at Linx (since this is such a different approach compared to everyday dating on your own) is the cat and mouse game AFTER A MATCH is made. What do I mean by this? Well, your fab cutie Silicon Valley entrepreneur date calls you and can’t reach you. So he leaves a message and you decide to play coy and do the little dance. You don’t call him back so now he’s sort of panicked wondering WTF. He reaches out to me being the matchmaker/friend/liasion/trusted source/fairy godmother type, and then matchmaker and client do the little dance.

Male client, “Amy I’m not sure what happened. Maybe I have the wrong number or something but I left a message on Friday and it is now Monday. Maybe she is traveling?”

Me, “Hmm, well I think she is in town, so let me ping her and see what is up.”

Then I proceed to reach out to her. She gets back to me right away with a “oh yeah, I have been so busy with unexpected guests in town but will call him back right away.”

She calls him and doesn’t reach him but doesn’t leave a VM. He proceeds to call her right back and she doesn’t pick up. This game continues for another two days until he calls me and is legitimately concerned.

Male client, “Amy, I just don’t think she is serious about meeting. Maybe she doesn’t like the sound of my profile but I am sticking to my gut and trusting in my grandmothers sage advice. We are all very busy people and if she really were serious and wanted to meet, she would have called me back by now. It is 7 days since the official match went out via email.”

Me to him, “I hear you, I really do. I’m not sure what to say or do as it places me in such a precarious situation. I feel for you and know you are results driven and it shouldn’t be this difficult. Let’s move on, upward, onward, and with enthusiasm. I will get to work on your next match right away!”

My title is matchmaker but I’m also a business owner who wears the hat of CEO and has to deal with these really tricky situations. In this case, I look at patterns in this kind of behavior and sometimes realize that a client has already done this sort of thing before with another client. As Patti Stanger would say, “Get out of my freakin’ club!”

People are fragile and even the most confident man at work can have feelings of doubt when it comes to dating. As you are out there dating, keep it simple and straightforward. Follow the approach that your ancestors would have done when they were out there dating. In other words, emulate and appreciate what old-fashioned courtship and chivalry really means.

We are so completely inundated with gadgets and apps in today’s modern society and are always “on the run.” Although people may say they are really ready to find love, sometimes I have to boldly ask them if they REALLY are?! Someone like the woman in the example above who can’t seem to call her date back might be hiding something and masking the truth. Maybe she is scared to find the one and actually be open and vulnerable.

Slow down and sometimes just stop in your tracks to think about what you are doing and how others will perceive you when dating. If you are a female and you want to fall in love in 2013, stop playing games. If you are a man and want to fall in love in 2013, stop playing games.

If he calls you, show him the proper respect and call him back (and yes the same thing goes to the guys out there.)

Have manners, be polite, and be gracious. 

With all of this being said, shit happens in life. If you are in a legitimate bind with guests in town, have fallen down and can’t get up, have food poisoning, have had your dog eat your homework, have 4 flat tires, have a cell phone that spontaneously combusted, or have spontaneously combusted yourself, there is always a solution out there!

We still do have pay phones, prepaid calling cards, carrier pigeons for sale http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pigeon_post, smoke signals, flares, and you do have two legs and feet for walking. Chances are, you can find a way to communicate to your date and share that you are excited to go out and will call him for a chat asap.

Dating doesn’t need to be so complicated.  Don’t be the road block that hinders you from falling in love. 

Be the catalyst to create the relationship you deserve. 

Fido- Best Friend & Matchmaker

My husband, Alex, and I got the most gorgeous rescue dog a few months ago named Marshall from the central valley SPCA. Our pup (a stunning blend of German Shepard, chow chow, Pekinese, and soft coated wheaten terrier) has brought us so much love and fun into our busy lives.  The photo below is at the SPCA. Marshall is the lil guy on the left in pic. 

There are countless favorites that top my list about our little guy (including how he hiccups and his deliciously soft Buddha belly that bulges after a big meal) but an obvious is getting to walk Marshall and decompress from the day. It’s been obvious to me before but now crystal clear that being accompanied by a dog often attracts a lot of attention which can be a great ice breaker in dating. 

Having a dog is one of the greatest gifts on earth. Besides bringing so much joy, unconditional love, a profound impact on lowering stress levels, they are the perfect tool for eligible men and women searching for the one. In other words, fido can become your date coach and matchmaker for an inexpensive price and a potentially huge upside!  

I walk down the street with this gorgeous 23 pound muscular 4 legged boy and people stop. They ask questions about him and then all of a sudden talk from training techniques, soft versus wet food, and dog parks bridges the gap into other adult topics.

I’ve noticed that a lot of dog owners are very eager to befriend other dog owners. Unlike getting to choose the parents that your kids become best friends with in school, you can actually choose which dog owners you’d like to hang out with when doing doggie play dates. 

Already have a dog? Great! If not, consider rescuing a dog from your local shelter (the central valley is flooded with so many breeds and many of these innocent pups are put down to lower costs). It’s a great starting place if you are considering getting a dog and fun to check out the different types.

Though my dog did not put me in touch with my husband… he has played played a very important role in brightening our lives and we have so much fun having a new addition to the family!

You can see how much he’s grown in these pics. The first one was when we had just gotten him. Lil boy! The last pic here is from a few weeks ago. He had officially outgrown his bed. And yes, he has a spotted tongue- that’s the chow in him.  

Peacocking 3.0

In my quest to understand social dynamics when it comes to dating, it struck me last night at an event how some guys who might not be the hottest dudes score huge points with the ladies when they lead with confidence. It might seem obvious, but it runs deeper and I don’t think it can happen overnight. This learned behavior takes time to master and involves understanding the subtleties.  It’s not about peacocking ala “The Game” or taking a Tony Robbins crash course on a step-by-step approach to personal achievement.  Instead I think this (for both genders) can become an art of awareness, that translates over to perception and the laws of attraction. 

At this event, I couldn’t help but notice one guy was standing in the corner at a party who literally was a spitting image of the late Steve Jobs – granted, a younger Jobs from the early ’90s. Black mock turtleneck, jeans, simple eye wear, and an incredible air of confidence that drew a cluster of women around him for the majority of the night.

Although I didn’t want to stare and be obvious (and the socially awkward one in doing so), I would from time-to-time glance over. I don’t even know if he was talking, nor needed to say much. He stood there at his house party with a conviction in knowing something that perhaps few around him didn’t know. At times he had his arms crossed and looked deep in thought. Perhaps he brought a refreshing Silicon Valley-esque vibe to the very finance sort of crowd. Maybe he is in tech, I probably won’t ever know.

Who was this mystery man and what was it about him that attracted such a group of all different types? I couldn’t help but glance over at another interesting dynamic on a couch. A guy resembling Jeremy Stoppleman from Yelp sat smack in the middle of four women who circled him, similar to Mr. Pseudo-Jobs in the other corner of the room. This guy had a similar energy about him. Seemed all the girls around him did the talking and he would interject at times but didn’t need to say much to keep their attention. Did this Pseudo-Stoppleman have the answers to the mysteries of the universe and know something greater as well?

One could argue that the ratio of men to women was not favorable and thus the natural inclination was for the women either to pod around one guy and make the best of it, or pod off on their own, if they were genuinely interested in catching up with one another instead of trying to be social or “working it.” Sometimes you just don’t feel like working it. It can be exhausting. Maybe one of the secrets to attraction is first to figure out your best physical strength and asset. For the Jobs look alike, maybe after so many people for the last goodness-knows-how-many-years have commented how he looks like the guy, he finally just said to himself in the mirror one day, you know what, we’re gonna make the best of what we’ve got and work it. Embrace the fact that I look like him and use it as a point of conversation – not only as an ice breaker BUT a gateway to talk about passions and interests: technology, Silicon Valley culture, etc.