how to attract men

Here’s How Women Flirt, According to Science

 

P19673882.jpgDemonstrating attraction oscillates between direct romantic overtures and subtle, almost subconscious, behaviors. Women—through cultural norms and socialization—are more prone to the latter. Flirting, mostly comprised of “nonverbal solicitation signals”, is the most common way women indicate preliminary interest, and it encompasses everything from a simple nod to physical contact.

 

Webster University Professor, Monica Moore, studied flirting behaviors in over 200 women. She along with two researchers, wanted to understand the most common flirting behaviors and then quantify the effects of flirting; they wanted to know just how much flirting influenced a potential male partner.

 

Moore and her team noted 52 flirtatious signals, but some of the most common signals included: hair flipping, giggling, sustained eye contact, smiling, dancing in place, moving closer, and showing off the neck.

 

After the man approached, the flirting escalated. Interested women would start touching his arms, legs, or back. Many would sit with their knee, foot or thigh touching his stool or his legs.

 

Ironically, the women who were approached the most were not the most attractive; they did not have as much facial symmetry or traditionally desirable hip-to-waist proportions. Instead, these women flirted the most—roughly 35 flirtatious signals per hour.

 

Which flirt techniques work best?

 

If flirting feels unnatural, you can still attract male attention with a simple smile. Researcher Nicolas Guegen, PhD, sent a single woman into a bar and asked her to make eye contact for 2 seconds at single men. He then asked her to maintain the 2 second eye contact but add a smile. The additional smile nearly quadrupuled the approach rate. The stronger the “invite”, the more likely a man will approach.

 

5 Easy Ways to Get Him to Approach You…and Ask You Out

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If you’re not getting approached, you might wonder, ‘What are these men looking for?’ or ‘What is wrong with me?’ To answer the question, it’s important to note the difference between desirability and approachability. We all have traits that make us desirable, but unless we look available and willing to engage in conversation, our best qualities will stay a secret. In other words, YOU are not the problem, but there might be something wrong with the SIGNALS you send.

When it comes to approaching an interesting stranger, men and women are quite similar. We all have egos to protect. To make sure they don’t end up embarrassed or rejected, men look for any clue that reason to initiate conversation. If you want him to make the first move, try these five tips.

  1. Choose your group wisely.

Women tend to go out in packs, adding extra pressure on someone deciding when and how to approach. When he knows he will not only have to impress you, but also your friends, you’re making it easier for him to bow out.

Men are also sensitive to other males. It doesn’t matter whether he’s your brother or gay best friend. He’s not paying attention to the context, just the chromosomes.

Pro Tip: If the group is large, stand to the side so you can be approached without forcing him to engage the group. If you’re not interested, you can easily segue back into the group setting.

 

  1. Cultivate an inviting vibe.

Your facial expression and body language matter. Smile at him and the people around you to put out the ‘I’m friendly and won’t be standoff-ish’ vibe. To escalate the moment, catch his gaze for sustained eye contact. All nonverbal communication has meaning, so consider what your posture and demeanor are saying.

Pro Tip: Always scan your surroundings to see if someone is trying to communicate with you via nonverbal cues. If you’re fixated on the conversation, you’ll miss opportunities to reciprocate interest.

 

  1. Give him something to say.

For men, the hardest part of the approach is knowing what to say. You can grease the wheels by inadvertently supplying the topic via clothing or behavior. You might wear a sports jersey to give him an invitation to talk about the team or the upcoming game. Or, you could peruse the menu at length to give him an invitation to talk about what he ordered.

Pro Tips: Bring a prop. If you’re at the coffee shop, leave the book you’re reading on the table. It will give him the perfect springboard into conversation.

You might also consider wearing an unusual pendant when you’re out and about. The pendant doesn’t need to be expensive, but it needs to stand out to be a great ice breaker. As you’re sitting in the café, run your fingers along the chain while “reading” your book and glance up, locking gaze with an attractive male. You’re signaling interest without saying a word and inviting him to talk to you.

A pendant with a great story will help you gain even more traction. Maybe it’s an unusual crystal you had cast in silver from a hike you took in the Dolomites or a coin from your great grandmother. Sharing an interesting story about yourself is a great way to keep his attention and reveal your sense of adventure. And who doesn’t love being entertained by an interesting, worldly woman?

 

  1. Remember: Location, Location, Location.

Proximity is one of the biggest factors when it comes to the approach. If you’re moving around, you’ll be a lot harder to catch. Try to stay in the same place to give him an opportunity to make a move.

Pro Tip: Settle in a place that is central to the room. If you are in a corner, not only are you harder to access, but you’ve raised the stakes by making it harder for him (and you) to move along if there’s no conversation.

 

  1. Give him a reason to contact you.

Getting him to approach you is only the first step. You can escalate the conversation by bringing up topics that segue into plans. Upcoming events make for perfect conversation, even if you don’t end up attending the event together. In the conversation, you might ask about an extra ticket, but days later you might find yourselves circling back to talk about how the event was.

Pro Tip: Have personal calling cards with you at all times. Whereas business cards reveal too much personal information (like your last name) and tend to set the stage for business, a personal calling card is a smart dating tool that gives him all the information he needs to get in touch. Think first name, personal email, and mobile. Simple, classic, and elegant is best.

Ultimately, all of your actions should be inviting and reassuring to help your partner escalate the interaction into a more romantic situation. Smiling and encouraging the conversation to flow will make you more attractive to interested strangers.

 

 

Embrace Your Inner Teenager…Dating Advice for Women

iStock_000014270011SmallIf you’re like a lot of Linx members, you are (and probably always have been) a high achiever. You’ve placed an emphasis on your education and your career, and you’ve been very well rewarded for doing so. Your professional life is probably smooth and established, and you have no doubts about your value in the workforce or your place in the economic food chain. You might, however, be not quite so secure about your value on the dating market. And if you question where you stand in the social pecking order, then you probably also have doubts about if (and how) you can change that.

So many of our beliefs and notions about dating, attractiveness, and romance set in at a very early age, and unless you’re one of those rare dashing Stanford water polo players who was on an Olympic team before graduating from the GSB and starting a hedge fund, you probably – at some point – made a decision to invest more in either your Inner or Outer Self. If you were academically gifted, well supported at home, and praised by teachers, it would make sense that you followed the path that led to the most certain rewards. If, on the other hand, you were naturally athletic, attractive, and social, you might have simply chosen to develop your native talents and appeal by working out or taking dance classes, by being fastidious about your diet or learning how to wear makeup, and by extending your natural likeability through learning how to date… and to flirt.

Obviously, these are not mutually exclusive investments and skill sets. In my college class there was plenty of crossover: a future Yale law student from Calabasas who got regular blow outs and danced hip hop, a handsome UCSF-trained radiologist who studied Kafka at Oxford, played lacrosse, and worried (a lot) about his abs, and a very feminine mechanical engineer who could have been then much prettier sister of a very famous actress. But these individuals were exceptions rather than the rule. And in a sea of very talented people they stood out for being both gifted and exceptionally attractive. These were people who were setting the curve both inside and outside the classroom, which is beyond unusual. In fact, unless you’re successful because you’re sexy, sexiness and success rarely go hand-in hand.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Just because you’ve been invested in your education and achievements doesn’t mean you can’t also invest in your appearance. The good news is that a successful woman can work on becoming sexy a lot more quickly and more easily than a simply sexy woman can work on becoming successful. Men and women alike are looking for the total package – someone who is developed on both the inside and the outside. And when it comes to dating – just like in every other strategic endeavor in your life – it makes a lot of sense to work on shoring up your weakest position.

So how do you take the steps to finding your inner femme fatale? By acting like someone half your age, of course. It’s never too late to learn the lessons some people pick up in their youth; in fact, picking up some of those skills later in life could be one of the keys to seeming (and staying) youthful! So what are the secrets?

Get Sweaty
If you aren’t happy with your body, find a form of exercise that works for you, and learn to love it. Whether it’s yoga, bar method, rock climbing, dance, running, Pilates, swimming, or any combination thereof, there is an activity that’s right for everyone. And it’s ok if you’re new to it… in fact, that’s probably a bonus. Being new to a sport or activity allows you to find the fun in it, and requires that you allow yourself to make mistakes. A lot of us were forced into certain sports of activities by peers or parents at an early age, and never allowed ourselves to appreciate the appeal, but those limitations don’t exist in adulthood. It’s good to have a part of your life where you don’t demand perfection from yourself; it’s even better if that lack of perfection can still be accompanied by tremendous progress.

Get Glossy
Odds are that someone you knew spent a lot of time at makeup counters as a teenager, and that she (or he) got really, really good at applying eyeshadow and lipgloss. It’s not too late for you to do the same thing, but instead of aiming for Clinique, MAC, or Urban Decay, aim for Chantecaille, Armani, YSL, or even Lipstick Queen. Don’t be afraid to experiment a bit as you try to figure out what looks best on you, and don’t be shy about asking for advice. In fact, it’s both efficient and effective to call ahead and ask for consultation with a makeup artist at a specific counter. These are always free of charge, and if you plan properly you can show off your glammed up self that same night on a date! Also, don’t be afraid to treat yourself to a manicure, even if you work in a job that doesn’t encourage a particularly feminine presentation; pale or clear polish is a great way to assert your femininity without drawing too much attention to yourself. A little attention, however, is always a good thing. 😉

Get All Dressed Up
Have you ever noticed the way teenaged girls dress… the snug scoop-necked t-shirts, short shorts, and colorful jewelry? It’s hard not to notice, right? And that’s sort of the point. I’m not encouraging you to buy a ton of tiny t-shirts, dozens of bangles, and shorts with a one-inch inseam, but I am encouraging you to show a bit of skin and get noticed. If you don’t have a wardrobe meant for dating, you should fix that right away. And don’t be afraid to hire a stylist. A few hours with a professional can save you a lot of time – and even a lot of money – in the long run, and will leave you looking better than ever. You can even ask us for a recommendation! Inviting someone to look at you in the first step in inviting them into your lives. Visibility is essential. Do not be afraid to want to be seen; at heart, that’s the very thing that most of us crave, and it’s something younger people often invite into their lives quite naturally.

There’s a lot to be learned from observing people who are coming into their attractiveness, but don’t yet have professional responsibilities. They are focused on developing social capital, attracting the attention of the opposite sex, and learning how to communicate both verbally and non-verbally. Those of us who had our heads in books picked up an entirely different set of lessons, but it’s never too late complete your education. In case you haven’t noticed, school is back in session; so what lessons do you need to learn?

Autumn is just around the corner…. are you ready to Fall in love?

September and October always usher in a very active season at Linx, and this time of year is actually great for dating in general. With summer travel over, the holidays not quite in sight, and evenings still warm, this is the perfect time to focus on your personal life! In order to reap the rewards use deserve this time of year (it is, after all, harvest season) it’s important that you do two things; be positive, and look forward. And here is a plan for doing just that.Autumn-Love

Before your next date, I’d like you to do 2 things.

1.) Make a list of all of your positive qualities. And ONLY your positive qualities. Make it a list of all of the reasons you think someone should want to date you. Yes, all of them. And write them as “I AM…” statements rather than “People think I am…” or a “Someone should like me because….”

This should just be a list of ALL of your positive qualities and attributes, even if they seem really minor or trivial to you. For example, here are a few of mine:

I am compassionate

I listen well

I make an outstanding chocolate chip cookie

I’m naturally affectionate

I have nice forearms (according to E. Jean Carroll)

I do not get morning breath

I am close to my family

I’m good with kids

I’m marriage-minded

I am loyal

I have a great circle of close friends

Note that this is just a small sample of MY list. Yours could (and should) be entirely different. And your list should be long, and exhaustive. It should a true inventory of the things you like about yourself, and absolutely know are the reasons someone else could value, respect, and love you. And once you’ve written the list, you need to read it. Out loud. Several times. You need to accept and embrace all of these things as facts about who you are, and you need to read it over and over again until you can say each of these facts out loud, and not let the little voice inside your head follow any of them with a “But….”

Once you start to accept these great things about yourself, it’s then time to face forward, and think about how you’d like to share these parts of yourself with someone else. Do this by making a list of things you either don’t do as much as you’d like, or don’t do at all, but would want to do in a relationship. For those of us who telecommute or consider ourselves homebodies, it’s really important that this be a list of things meant to take place OUTSIDE of your home. Again, here’s part of my list as an example:

I would like to hike more.

I would like to take weekend trips to Carmel.

I would like to spend more time at Ocean Beach

I would like to go to more romantic restaurants

I would like to see more concerts

I would like to have dinner with other couples

I would like to spend a few weekends in Tahoe and Palm Springs

I would like to plan some international travel

I would like to start cycling

I would like to take a couples’ massage class

I would like to go kayaking

I would like to let someone else get to know me.

This list is just as important as the first; the former is catalog of what/who we are, while the second is roadmap for what we want our lives to look like. When you make this list, you are, in many ways, describing what you want in your relationship. You are giving it shape. You are allowing yourself to visualize it. And once you can visualize it, so can the person with whom you’re on a date.

Often, people go on dates and simply describe their lives just as they are. They tell each other all about how they live as single people, they don’t talk about what they might want to be different, and they don’t allow their dates to see how he or she might fit into the picture. If you want someone in your life, you have to invite them in. You have to let them know what role they might take. And you have to give them the opportunity to be part of a negotiation around shaping a future together. So be sure to work on building self-esteem around all of your positive qualities, and invite someone you like into your life by telling him or her all about what you hope to see happen in your short- and mid-term future; if you believe in the quality of your offering and extend the invitation, how else will your date be able to R.S.V.P. for love?

If you’re ready to find your match, email us today amy@linxdating.com

Stop Playing Games | Dating Advice

When it comes to dating, who do you think plays more games? Men or women? I think women always think that men do the game playing (and in a lot of cases I think that can be very true) but from a behind the scenes perspective at Linx, I’d have to say the women appear to have the tendency to play more head games with the guys.

Our guys at Linx are pretty simple guys who at the end of the day want to find a lasting, genuine connection. They sign up for Linx because they work a lot, loathe the idea of sifting through hundreds of online profiles after work, have limited social resources for set-ups through friends, and have a high bar for what they want. They trust my team that we have listened carefully, intuited their type, and will deliver.

As a matchmaker, my routine for setting up clients has become ever more rigorous as we want to eliminate ANY reasons for them to turn down a proposed match.  For example, as I present a match candidate to a client, I ask a few high level questions, like these, to ensure that we are on the right track:

Do you think you know this person? 
Are you in town and is the timing good for you? 
Do you like the sound of my match candidate? 
Do you feel excited about the possibility or luke warm? 
Do you have any concerns from the gate? 
Do you have any major questions for me before we proceed? 
Are you completely unattached? 
And on and on…..

Once we reach that point and with any questions answered, if both the respective male and female are equally jazzed and pumped up to meet one another, THEN we “green light” the match and proceed. The engines are all fired up. Behind the scenes, I’m pacing back and forth like the rat in a laboratory cage wondering if the sparks will fly. At this stage, both parties have officially received their respective match bios describing each other – each is a completely original take on who their fabulous date is. No last names, no photos, only a vivid, luscious description with words to build up that anticipation … and have those engines continue to vroom vroom baby.

A scenario that we REALLY try to avoid at Linx (since this is such a different approach compared to everyday dating on your own) is the cat and mouse game AFTER A MATCH is made. What do I mean by this? Well, your fab cutie Silicon Valley entrepreneur date calls you and can’t reach you. So he leaves a message and you decide to play coy and do the little dance. You don’t call him back so now he’s sort of panicked wondering WTF. He reaches out to me being the matchmaker/friend/liasion/trusted source/fairy godmother type, and then matchmaker and client do the little dance.

Male client, “Amy I’m not sure what happened. Maybe I have the wrong number or something but I left a message on Friday and it is now Monday. Maybe she is traveling?”

Me, “Hmm, well I think she is in town, so let me ping her and see what is up.”

Then I proceed to reach out to her. She gets back to me right away with a “oh yeah, I have been so busy with unexpected guests in town but will call him back right away.”

She calls him and doesn’t reach him but doesn’t leave a VM. He proceeds to call her right back and she doesn’t pick up. This game continues for another two days until he calls me and is legitimately concerned.

Male client, “Amy, I just don’t think she is serious about meeting. Maybe she doesn’t like the sound of my profile but I am sticking to my gut and trusting in my grandmothers sage advice. We are all very busy people and if she really were serious and wanted to meet, she would have called me back by now. It is 7 days since the official match went out via email.”

Me to him, “I hear you, I really do. I’m not sure what to say or do as it places me in such a precarious situation. I feel for you and know you are results driven and it shouldn’t be this difficult. Let’s move on, upward, onward, and with enthusiasm. I will get to work on your next match right away!”

My title is matchmaker but I’m also a business owner who wears the hat of CEO and has to deal with these really tricky situations. In this case, I look at patterns in this kind of behavior and sometimes realize that a client has already done this sort of thing before with another client. As Patti Stanger would say, “Get out of my freakin’ club!”

People are fragile and even the most confident man at work can have feelings of doubt when it comes to dating. As you are out there dating, keep it simple and straightforward. Follow the approach that your ancestors would have done when they were out there dating. In other words, emulate and appreciate what old-fashioned courtship and chivalry really means.

We are so completely inundated with gadgets and apps in today’s modern society and are always “on the run.” Although people may say they are really ready to find love, sometimes I have to boldly ask them if they REALLY are?! Someone like the woman in the example above who can’t seem to call her date back might be hiding something and masking the truth. Maybe she is scared to find the one and actually be open and vulnerable.

Slow down and sometimes just stop in your tracks to think about what you are doing and how others will perceive you when dating. If you are a female and you want to fall in love in 2013, stop playing games. If you are a man and want to fall in love in 2013, stop playing games.

If he calls you, show him the proper respect and call him back (and yes the same thing goes to the guys out there.)

Have manners, be polite, and be gracious. 

With all of this being said, shit happens in life. If you are in a legitimate bind with guests in town, have fallen down and can’t get up, have food poisoning, have had your dog eat your homework, have 4 flat tires, have a cell phone that spontaneously combusted, or have spontaneously combusted yourself, there is always a solution out there!

We still do have pay phones, prepaid calling cards, carrier pigeons for sale http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pigeon_post, smoke signals, flares, and you do have two legs and feet for walking. Chances are, you can find a way to communicate to your date and share that you are excited to go out and will call him for a chat asap.

Dating doesn’t need to be so complicated.  Don’t be the road block that hinders you from falling in love. 

Be the catalyst to create the relationship you deserve. 

Fido- Best Friend & Matchmaker

My husband, Alex, and I got the most gorgeous rescue dog a few months ago named Marshall from the central valley SPCA. Our pup (a stunning blend of German Shepard, chow chow, Pekinese, and soft coated wheaten terrier) has brought us so much love and fun into our busy lives.  The photo below is at the SPCA. Marshall is the lil guy on the left in pic. 

There are countless favorites that top my list about our little guy (including how he hiccups and his deliciously soft Buddha belly that bulges after a big meal) but an obvious is getting to walk Marshall and decompress from the day. It’s been obvious to me before but now crystal clear that being accompanied by a dog often attracts a lot of attention which can be a great ice breaker in dating. 

Having a dog is one of the greatest gifts on earth. Besides bringing so much joy, unconditional love, a profound impact on lowering stress levels, they are the perfect tool for eligible men and women searching for the one. In other words, fido can become your date coach and matchmaker for an inexpensive price and a potentially huge upside!  

I walk down the street with this gorgeous 23 pound muscular 4 legged boy and people stop. They ask questions about him and then all of a sudden talk from training techniques, soft versus wet food, and dog parks bridges the gap into other adult topics.

I’ve noticed that a lot of dog owners are very eager to befriend other dog owners. Unlike getting to choose the parents that your kids become best friends with in school, you can actually choose which dog owners you’d like to hang out with when doing doggie play dates. 

Already have a dog? Great! If not, consider rescuing a dog from your local shelter (the central valley is flooded with so many breeds and many of these innocent pups are put down to lower costs). It’s a great starting place if you are considering getting a dog and fun to check out the different types.

Though my dog did not put me in touch with my husband… he has played played a very important role in brightening our lives and we have so much fun having a new addition to the family!

You can see how much he’s grown in these pics. The first one was when we had just gotten him. Lil boy! The last pic here is from a few weeks ago. He had officially outgrown his bed. And yes, he has a spotted tongue- that’s the chow in him.  

Men and Ponytails

In the Sound of Music Maria sings from My Favorite Things about girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, whiskers on kittens, cream colored ponies, and crisp apple strudles. 

Apparently one of the favorite things for men is the simplicity of a woman’s hairstyle- specifically ponytails (the fluffier, the better according to them). When you think about it….how refreshing! Ponytails and pig tails conjure up images of shy grade school girls, tire swings, sticky gummy bears, binders covered in silly stickers, and innocent preteen crushes.

When adult men see women wearing the fluffiest ponytails possible it sets off a flurry of imagery and it happens to totally make them go nutzo. For us women it’s a practical way to put our hair back- I personally live in ponies especially when working out but in boy land it means flirting and sex.

Men seem to have some  uncontrollable instinct around a long pony and love to flip and touch them. On my second date with my now husband I was uber stressed about what to wear as we had a casual date grabbing salads. We joke about it today but it was all very calculated on my end- I donned sweats, a flirty sweatshirt, and pig tail braids…the combo nearly sent him over the edge and sealed the deal.

So pretty girls if you’re looking to flaunt what you got, win big points in attracting men of all ages, grab a rubber band and put that hair up!