Demonstrating attraction oscillates between direct romantic overtures and subtle, almost subconscious, behaviors. Women—through cultural norms and socialization—are more prone to the latter. Flirting, mostly comprised of “nonverbal solicitation signals”, is the most common way women indicate preliminary interest, and it encompasses everything from a simple nod to physical contact.
Webster University Professor, Monica Moore, studied flirting behaviors in over 200 women. She along with two researchers, wanted to understand the most common flirting behaviors and then quantify the effects of flirting; they wanted to know just how much flirting influenced a potential male partner.
Moore and her team noted 52 flirtatious signals, but some of the most common signals included: hair flipping, giggling, sustained eye contact, smiling, dancing in place, moving closer, and showing off the neck.
After the man approached, the flirting escalated. Interested women would start touching his arms, legs, or back. Many would sit with their knee, foot or thigh touching his stool or his legs.
Ironically, the women who were approached the most were not the most attractive; they did not have as much facial symmetry or traditionally desirable hip-to-waist proportions. Instead, these women flirted the most—roughly 35 flirtatious signals per hour.
Which flirt techniques work best?
If flirting feels unnatural, you can still attract male attention with a simple smile. Researcher Nicolas Guegen, PhD, sent a single woman into a bar and asked her to make eye contact for 2 seconds at single men. He then asked her to maintain the 2 second eye contact but add a smile. The additional smile nearly quadrupuled the approach rate. The stronger the “invite”, the more likely a man will approach.
We are pleased to have guest blog contributor Stephanie Herman write this piece for our readers. Thank you Stephanie!
How is it that I am going to be 66 years old in November and yet I feel 40!?!
I was a former principal ballerina in New York City and now am the creator of a new body awareness system that teaches people how to stay younger in mind and body.
What do I do to make myself feel young? Most importantly, I make sure to physically stay in shape. Then I make myself try things that scare me or test my comfort level. But I also sprinkle in the other major activities that I love in my life, such as spending time with family and friends, dancing, acting, performing, teaching, giving back and making sure to have FUN!
I have been teaching my Pilates/Fitness programs for 30 years. How do they stay fresh after so long? I keep reinventing them. I have 2 programs – CoreTique is a Mind Body Educational program that personally educates people about how to best move and control the body. If you know how, then the rest is easy. My 2nd program is “Pilates Ballet by Stephanie Herman,” that is a fun musical fitness program that takes CoreTique to the next level. By teaching these programs, it satisfies many of my loves of life – teaching, giving back, and having fun!
How did I add things that scared me or tested my comfort level? I was teaching my fitness programs and staying in shape by teaching, but began to realize that in teaching, I am not always doing the exercises because I am walking around helping others. I realized I was not putting the proper fitness regimen in my OWN life, so I decided to go back to ballet after a 20 year hiatus. Talk about scary!
It took courage to walk back into a ballet studio, as I was not in ballet shape. And it took courage to show up not in shape. But, I weighed the pros against the cons and realized that I just needed to be disciplined to make myself take on this endeavor. It was not easy, it took me about 1 -2 years to feel better about myself in ballet class compared to what I was 40 years ago. I needed to stop my negative self critique, and focus on one step at a time. When someone in class said to me “you still have it!” that felt good.
Finally, I felt that I was missing performing in my life. So, at the age of 65, I decided to add more performance in my life. How? By taking baby steps. I started by taking an acting class every Thursday night in SF from 7- 10pm. Yes, that took courage. But I love it. It’s not really performing on stage, but it is starting to bring out the performer in me, inspiring me and giving me courage to try more – it occurred to me that staying young at any age can require courage if you want to be who you want to be. Don’t let yourself or others tell you otherwise. Surround yourself by people who support your dreams!
So what does it take to feel young? It’s your attitude … how you think about yourself … what you put in your life. Optimism, balance, fun, inspiration, passion, love, health and making your dreams come true.
Ok, now that you know the answer, how do you execute on it?
You need to start by understanding which of these elements are missing in your life. Take one thing … Is it your optimism? Is it your balance in life? Are you missing Fun? Love? Health?
Let’s break it down…
Optimism…… Try for the next 14 days to only be optimistic…. Put on the calendar each time you are optimistic and when you are being negative. Being aware is the first step in changing. You might find sometimes that being negative is a habit that just needs to be broken. Try to use the 14 days to believe in yourself, give yourself permission to do what you want to do without blockage.
Balance– Do you think your life is balanced? Look at what you do during the week…. Think about it as a giant pie that you want to split into 10 pieces. Each piece is balanced to fit into the pie. Write 5-10 major things that fill your week. Work, Play, Friends, Healthy Habits, etc. Then see how unbalanced it might look. Or, see what you would like to add and subtract. This could be an ongoing work sheet.
Now, LIVE IT!:)
If you are in the Bay Area and would like to contact Stephanie and learn about how she could help you achieve your greatest at any age, you can check out her website at: http://www.StephanieHerman.com and contact info: (650) 465-7919 or Sh1dancer@aol.com
Happy *almost* fall! I can’t believe how long it’s been since my last entry. Truth is it’s been extremely busy on the matchmaking front, focusing a lot of my energy on a handful of international VIP searches. It seems like the summer flew by in the blink of an eye and it’s hard to believe that October is only two days away! The summer brought in some incredibly new dynamic Linx members of all ages. It also meant a fair amount of members took time off from dating to travel for pleasure and to gain a fresh new perspective and clarity about the type of match he/she needs for the long term. Sometimes, taking time off from dating for a month or two can actually be the best thing that happens to you. It allows a shift in focus, mental clarity, and gaining mastery over dating anxiety and being single.
In July, a beautiful and incredibly smart early 30’s female came into my office for a screening. Although there are several steps that lead up to the actual matchmaking phase, the initial “meet and greet” marks the beginning of our scrupulous Linx Dating screening and vetting process as we delve deeply to get to know all about a prospect, who he/she is, and what he/she seeks in a perfect match.
The art and science inherent in this careful “due diligence” is one key factor that distinguishes Linx from other run-of-the-mill matchmakers who mass market their services and often have no real desire to get to know their clients. Our discreet, closed-network approach is unique, and further differentiates us as the firm of choice for high caliber and well-educated professionals. I personally sit down with EVERY prospect and client one-on-one and take the time to really get to know another.
When she came into my office, I immediately liked her. She had a real infectious energy about her, a warmth, curiosity about the world, and empathy. This hard-working young professional based in San Francisco opened up about past relationships and in hearing her story, I knew I could immediately help her. I instantly recognized patterns in her dating which included picking the wrong types of guys where she gave these relationships her ALL yet didn’t get what she deserved in return. Ever been in one of those “one-sided” types of relationships? You give, give, give, and try really hard to make it work and the other just seems to take, take, take, and you feel an on-going void.
I told this Ivy educated prospect I wanted her to jazz up her image a bit if we were to work together- think Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s meets Olivia Wilde as Beatrice Fairbanks in The Longest Week.
One of the many unique dimensions and value-adds of being invited to join Linx is that matchmaking is done using a holistic approach from date preparation (this could involve date coaching, wardrobe consult, hair, make-up, fitness training, nutrition, etc) to actual matchmaking, valuable feedback, and a continual open dialogue with client to ensure he/she is on track for relationship success!
The prospect told me she was ready for love and wanted to work with Linx. After our meeting, I prepared a proposal with an outline of how I could best help her. This honest feedback included some preparation for (hair, make-up, review of her date clothing she already had in her closet) and making sure she was 100% ready for this journey with Linx.
It didn’t come as a surprise that she needed to take a few days to digest my proposal and in fact, it’s highly encouraged versus rushing a big decision. She came back to me over email with open arms and said she was ready to embrace my plan of action. I can’t tell you how much I LOVE when a new client is 100% ALL IN, trusting, ready, and their excitement is palpable.
I thought it would be particularly helpful for readers to hear her experience. Here’s her testimonial about the Linx process so far.
“I explored working with Amy at the start of the summer, after hearing about her from a family friend who had overheard someone discussing “the best person in California to help you find the right spouse.” I’d experienced loving relationships in my past but had not found “the one” yet and was turned off by the non-committal, often judgmental dating scene of the Bay Area. I went into our initial meeting open-minded and cautiously optimistic. What type of men did she work with, what type of woman were they looking for, and was that me? Were they really looking for commitment and a family? Would the quality of potential matches justify the cost?
My initial meeting with Amy went better than I expected. She carved out a large chunk of her morning to talk to me in detail about what I value, my history, my personal passions, and what I thought I was looking for in a future husband. She also suggested particular qualities and areas to focus on that I had not previously prioritized, based on her years of working in the industry and seeing both successful and unsuccessful relationships. This was particularly helpful, and where it is crucial to be open-minded – Amy has seen it all and can recognize needs or patterns instantly. The moment I opened up to her (often small) ideas, I noticed a change in my mind-set and happiness in the dating land.
The process of working with Amy is a dream. You get out of Linx what you put in. Amy is available to email or message literally every day – if you have your important first date on a Saturday, she makes herself available that evening to see pictures of what you are wearing and help you make decisions if you’d like it. She is your best cheerleader and coach, providing encouragement and tips as you navigate the early stages. Amy will provide honest and insightful style tips; she helped me tweak my look in a way that I had never imagined and makes me feel beautiful every day. Matches will come at the cadence you’d like them – whether that be immediately upon becoming her client or more gradually. Amy is very thoughtful about who she matches you with, thinking about both of your needs and desires. She talks you through the initial matching phase, answering questions you may have about the other person and providing insight into why she thinks this particular person is so well suited for you.
My personal Linx experience has been fulfilling, enjoyable, and unbelievably rewarding. Within one week of becoming Amy’s client, I had my first official match with a man who was basically my “dream guy.” We became exclusive almost immediately, and things continue to progress very well. It’s still relatively early, but I couldn’t be happier. I’m so grateful to Amy for her continual guidance and encouragement along the way.”
September and October always usher in a very active season at Linx, and this time of year is actually great for dating in general. With summer travel over, the holidays not quite in sight, and evenings still warm, this is the perfect time to focus on your personal life! In order to reap the rewards use deserve this time of year (it is, after all, harvest season) it’s important that you do two things; be positive, and look forward. And here is a plan for doing just that.
Before your next date, I’d like you to do 2 things.
1.) Make a list of all of your positive qualities. And ONLY your positive qualities. Make it a list of all of the reasons you think someone should want to date you. Yes, all of them. And write them as “I AM…” statements rather than “People think I am…” or a “Someone should like me because….”
This should just be a list of ALL of your positive qualities and attributes, even if they seem really minor or trivial to you. For example, here are a few of mine:
I am compassionate
I listen well
I make an outstanding chocolate chip cookie
I’m naturally affectionate
I have nice forearms (according to E. Jean Carroll)
I do not get morning breath
I am close to my family
I’m good with kids
I am loyal
I have a great circle of close friends
Note that this is just a small sample of MY list. Yours could (and should) be entirely different. And your list should be long, and exhaustive. It should a true inventory of the things you like about yourself, and absolutely know are the reasons someone else could value, respect, and love you. And once you’ve written the list, you need to read it. Out loud. Several times. You need to accept and embrace all of these things as facts about who you are, and you need to read it over and over again until you can say each of these facts out loud, and not let the little voice inside your head follow any of them with a “But….”
Once you start to accept these great things about yourself, it’s then time to face forward, and think about how you’d like to share these parts of yourself with someone else. Do this by making a list of things you either don’t do as much as you’d like, or don’t do at all, but would want to do in a relationship. For those of us who telecommute or consider ourselves homebodies, it’s really important that this be a list of things meant to take place OUTSIDE of your home. Again, here’s part of my list as an example:
I would like to hike more.
I would like to take weekend trips to Carmel.
I would like to spend more time at Ocean Beach
I would like to go to more romantic restaurants
I would like to see more concerts
I would like to have dinner with other couples
I would like to spend a few weekends in Tahoe and Palm Springs
I would like to plan some international travel
I would like to start cycling
I would like to take a couples’ massage class
I would like to go kayaking
I would like to let someone else get to know me.
This list is just as important as the first; the former is catalog of what/who we are, while the second is roadmap for what we want our lives to look like. When you make this list, you are, in many ways, describing what you want in your relationship. You are giving it shape. You are allowing yourself to visualize it. And once you can visualize it, so can the person with whom you’re on a date.
Often, people go on dates and simply describe their lives just as they are. They tell each other all about how they live as single people, they don’t talk about what they might want to be different, and they don’t allow their dates to see how he or she might fit into the picture. If you want someone in your life, you have to invite them in. You have to let them know what role they might take. And you have to give them the opportunity to be part of a negotiation around shaping a future together. So be sure to work on building self-esteem around all of your positive qualities, and invite someone you like into your life by telling him or her all about what you hope to see happen in your short- and mid-term future; if you believe in the quality of your offering and extend the invitation, how else will your date be able to R.S.V.P. for love?
If you’re ready to find your match, email us today email@example.com
Linx is featured in Entrepreneur.com today and we thought it would be fun to share on the blog this must read bachelor list!
By: Tanya Benedicto Klich
It may be the epicenter of innovation, but Silicon Valley is also teeming with smart, wealthy bachelors. As her Menlo Park, Calif.-based matchmaking service Linx Dating has grown over the last decade, Amy Andersen says she has gained unprecedented access to the “finest caliber of singles… in an area that is already a bubble of the best and the brightest.”
While she wouldn’t reveal Linx’s hottest clients for confidentiality reasons, she tapped her deep local network and social circles to round up the most eligible bachelors in the tech metro. Read the embedded dating expert’s commentary on why these dashing men are the most sought-after suitors of Silicon Valley:
JEREMY STOPPELMAN Image credit: jdlasica via Flickr
Andersen: “This Yelp co-founder and Harvard Business School graduate is a five-star catch as far as I’m concerned. Given his love for reading non-fiction, I think this guy might be ready for a bit of true romance.”
DYLAN SMITH Image credit: box.com
Andersen: “This Box CFO might be a former Duke Blue Devil, but he looks like a complete sweetheart. I also spot him fairly often in my neighborhood, and he literally is the cute ‘boy next door.”
JOE LONSDALE Image credit: TechCrunch via Flickr
Andersen: “A local Bay Area native and Stanford grad, Joe certainly made good as the co-founder of Palantir. These days, he appears to be more interested in media than in finance and defense, but surely this former chess champion knows that every King is vulnerable without the love of a strong Queen.”
BEN RATTRAY Image credit: personaldemocracy via Flickr
Andersen: “The handsome CEO of Change.org is definitely empowering all of us to be the change we want to see in the world, but I hear that he claims to not have the time to invest in a relationship. Where do I start a petition to change that?”
MATT MULLENWEG Image credit: Silicon Prairie News via Flickr
Andersen: “I hear this Texas-born bachelor and founder of WordPress claims to be married to his work, but it’s hard to believe that this soulful saxophonist isn’t looking to jazz up his personal life. My comment for this famous blogger? Find a lady love to occupy those lips of yours, and make your work your mistress.”
SERGEY BRIN Image credit: Thomas Hawk via Flickr
Andersen: “My sources tell me that this brilliant billionaire is back on the market. I’d like to see him find happiness, but when it comes to dating he needs to leave his infamous tech specs at home; a woman wants to look into a man’s eyes on a date, not into the transparent screen of his wearable computer Google Glass.”
TIM COOK Image credit: igrec via Flickr
Andersen: “It’s hard to think of a job more high profile than being the CEO of Apple, and yet Tim Cook is one of the most private men I can think of. I’d like to see him step away from work just a little bit, and find a partner to call his own.”
VIVEK & ANEEL RANADIVE Image credit: Aneel Ranadive via Twitter
Andersen: “Between the two of them, this father and son duo has degrees from Columbia, Harvard, and MIT. They also hold a significant stake in the Sacramento Kings, so we know these tech magnates understand the importance of being more than ‘all work and no play.’ Good looks and great minds definitely run in the family, so I think finding love for these two should be a slam dunk.”
JACK DORSEY Image credit: jdlasica via Flickr
Andersen: “The St. Louis-born, NYU-educated founder of Twitter has kept his Midwestern charm and Manhattan style, but I’d love to see him settle down and grow some real West Coast roots. I just hope his love letters include more than 140 characters.”