Why I stopped playing the numbers game

By: anonymous male, San Francisco

When I first rejoined the dating scene several years ago I followed the well-worn path of many other people my age and joined a handful of online dating sites. After a few false starts, a friend explained to me that I was completely doing online dating the wrong way. She said that it was a “numbers game”, and that I should try to go on multiple first dates a week, week after week, until I find “The One.” I didn’t realize at the time that this was how many people treated online dating in the Bay Area. I said, what the heck, and gave it a shot.

At the beginning I found it to be fun. I realized I was meeting people that I would have never met before, and this gave me a huge amount of confidence that I would run into the woman of my dreams. I also made two very good friends and met one woman with whom I had a multi-year relationship. Even though it didn’t work out, I am still grateful that she was in my life.

After some time of playing the numbers game, I became frustrated and disenchanted with the entire process. I started to realize I was going out on dates where nothing progressed beyond small talk and running through lists of shared hobbies and travel destinations. Even if we both felt there was the potential for something more, follow-on dates started becoming fewer and fewer, mostly due to scheduling conflicts, and that quickly became a lack of interest.

Worse, I realized that the disappearance of my date didn’t bother me, as I knew that there would be someone else who was, well, let’s just say a “swipe right” away. While intellectually I knew that this was the same thought process my date was going through, I still felt a bit icky about the whole experience. As a family-oriented guy that has been in long term relationships for the majority of my life, I felt that this isn’t the behavior of the man that I thought I was or wanted to be.

I could not understand how, with all of the opportunities to meet someone that were available to me, that it was so incredibly hard actually to meet someone. Recently an article appeared in the New York Times that spoke to how I felt. The author reaches the conclusion that all of the online dating technologies have caused us to think in terms of the “numbers game”, and that there was an infinite number of possible partners, and we should toss each aside until we find the perfect mate. If this is our dating mentality, why should we ever bother committing to a person, as a better option could be right around the corner?

I knew the numbers game didn’t work for me, and stopped playing some time ago. I started to pick up on when I was a participant in someone else’s rapid fire dating game, and was able to understand how it felt. When you are playing the numbers game, every person you date becomes a number and not a human being.

Whenever you go out on a date, you have to remember that the person sitting across from you is a person, like yourself, with their own hopes and dreams, anxieties and fears. They have felt both joy and hurt in relationships, and are very possibly hoping that the first date they are on, with you, right now, will be their last first date ever. I can’t think of a more disrespectful action than what most serial daters do, namely walk into the date with the intention of making a judgment in the first five minutes, then hopping back onto Tinder.

The numbers game causes you to focus on quickly observed superficial qualities, such as hobbies, material possessions, and clothing, rather than what really determines the suitability of a partner. The important stuff, like ability to communicate, shared values, empathy, and capacity to provide support in stressful situations, can’t be determined from only one date.

The numbers game relies upon the idea that not only there are an infinite number of partners, but also that you have an infinite amount of time. We don’t. As a guy in my mid 30’s, I for one don’t want to be an “old dad”, and want to be in good enough physical shape that, if I get to have children, I would not only play with my kids on the floor but also be able to walk any future daughters down the aisle when I am twice my current age.

Women, well, they have much more defined biological clocks, with 35 being the medically recognized fertility cliff. While the numbers game can go on forever, our bodies can’t.

There are some things I miss about rapid fire dating. I miss finding instant chemistry. I miss learning about someone’s way of viewing the world. I don’t think it works, however, and would much rather spend time getting to know a small number of quality people than get three cocktails a week with complete strangers.

The Pros and Cons of Online Dating

I‘m often asked if my clients should continue with online dating when they start their Linx memberships. If yes, what I feel is the biggest drawback to trying to find love on the Internet?

The biggest challenges are twofold – (1) the labor and time involved sifting through thousands of profiles; and (2) unverified information.

At the end of the day it is exhausting to have to sort through all of these profiles and to deal with the long, drawn out communication process of winks, emails, nudges, pokes, etc. But I think the bigger challenge is the fabrication of information on the site – you might be entering the online market with honest intentions of wanting to couple up and reach monogamy for the long term but you have no idea who is really on the other side.

It can be extremely disappointing not having the data and true insights into the person with whom you are communicating online and potentially to then meet in person. Is he/she as commitment minded as you or is he/she on the site to just “hook up” and be “super causal” where “sex is so easy” to get?

Online has helped create awareness for an offline, old world business like Linx but, on the other hand, it has caused people a lot of stress from the labor involved, fabrication of user profiles, no authenticating “who is who”, and often feeling online chemistry but offline when you meet is a whole other story.

At Linx, I personally get to know every new client and sit down with each member really delving deep so I can best help him/her…..at this stage in the game I’ve met thousands of people.

This week alone I have interviewed fascinating men and women (a venerable Silicon Valley techie, CEOs, and many other hard working dynamic types- in fact I am hoping to do a new blog entry about the SV legend asap). Something online cannot necessarily predict is chemistry. I understand human behavior and what makes two people mesh. Clients who have been doing a lot of high volume driven matchmaking online find the Linx approach and methodology particularly appealing and extremely personalized. This is after all about SLOWING DOWN and focusing on one extremely solid match at a time. I emphasize slowing down!

With the obvious perils into the world of online, I WOULD encourage you to keep your profiles up BUT the absolute key is to evaluate IF you have been getting the traction you desire. Are the “right” types for you landing in your inbox and if not, you should strongly consider doing a massive profile rewire to reboot yourself towards success.

We offer a lot of assistant as one of our many auxiliary services for clients at Linx to provide powerful insights into online dating. What will attract the man of your dreams and how do you hook them? What is a turn-off to women and a turn-on with profiles? Once you discover lots of emails in your inbox, what next? How to bridge online into real-life dating?

Amy Webb did a hilarious Ted Talk about hacking OK Cupid. The takeaway from her TED talk is that there is an algorithm for love, in fact it is something you write yourself. All you really have to do is figure out your ‘own’ framework and play by your own rules. Enjoy her talk below…insightful, funny, and provocative.