Breakups

Harsh Truths: 6 Reasons Why Your Relationship Fell Apart

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Relationships end for a variety of reasons—some we can control, others we cannot. Before your next relationship, consider asking yourself if any of these issues are sabotaging your efforts at finding a deep, committed relationship.

 

  1. Your ex is STILL coming up

We all have a past, but when the past becomes the fodder of our present, you are creating a rift between you and your partner’s ability to connect. Talk of past relationships not only reveals that you’re not moving forward, it also jeopardizes your chances of a future. If you find yourself beginning sentences with “My ex and I…” or “When I dated X…” consider taking some time away from dating to understand why you’re still telling these stories.

 

  1. You couldn’t trust

It’s no surprise that trust is the crux of all healthy relationships; without the bond of trust, a couple will miss an opportunity to experience true intimacy. Aside from cheating, trust issues can also indicate jealousy, game playing, and possessiveness.

 

If relationships have ended because you couldn’t trust, ask yourself if it was because of actual events (i.e. your partner lied to you, broke promises, hacked into your phone) or if you are feeling unable to trust without cause (i.e. you feel jealous even though your partner has never strayed). Being able to differentiate feelings that stem from actual events versus unsubstantiated paranoia will help you uncover barriers to intimacy.

 

  1. You were Mr./Mrs. Right Now, not Mr./Mrs. Right

The relationship is guaranteed to fail if you find yourself on either side of this equation. Not all relationships are built to last—and that doesn’t make them any less important to our growth—but if you are looking for a life partner, meeting someone who is open to the same is crucial for long-term success.

 

If you are with someone until you land your dream job, move, lose weight, or meet someone better, you are wasting your time and your partner’s time. If your partner is not your priority, you aren’t ready for an enduring long-term relationship. If you’re wondering if you’re the top priority—you’re not.

 

  1. You harbor contempt

Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert on couples’ studies, concluded that the single, best predictor of divorce is contempt. Contempt, a toxic combo of anger, disgust and frustration, stems from a superiority complex. When we are unable to see our partner’s point of view because we believe they are less intelligent, sensitive, or competent than we are, we are making it impossible to communicate about the things that bother us.

 

In addition to contempt, there were three other closely related patterns of toxic communication: criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling (shutting down, no eye contact, etc.)

  1. You were emotionally dependent

If you are unable to make yourself happy, you will always seek someone who can distract you from the uncomfortable feelings you have towards yourself. Not only is it unfair to expect your partner to keep you afloat, it’s dangerous to allow someone else to hold the keys to your happiness. Codependent people usually don’t keep high standards when it comes to how others treat them, so it’s more likely that they end up with a partner who doesn’t treat them well. There are many ways to heal from codependency, but they all start with a belief that you—and you alone—can make yourself happy.

 

  1. You stopped appreciating your partner

A lack of appreciation comes in many forms. Perhaps you’ve stopped making an effort—to make fun plans, to keep up your appearance, to remind your partner how special they are. Taking someone for granted is a quick way to kill the romance and up the apathy.

 

When someone is asking what is best for “us”, compromise ensues. If you stop appreciating your partner’s efforts, it’s easy to stop asking “What is best for us?” and replacing it with “What is best for me?”

 

Of course not all reasons our relationships end are because we are at fault. Without the right timing, otherwise compatible people won’t be able to connect for reasons outside of their control. Age, seemingly just a number, will start to matter if he’s 28 finishing grad school and she’s 34 looking forward to starting a family. Life situations can also affect our chances of connection. If he’s ready to move things forward while she’s healing post divorce, the couple will not be able to connect on the same level. Situations can change, broken hearts can heal, and different phases can pass, but if the timing is going to be ‘off’ for more than a few months, it is better to make a clean break and revisit at another time.

 

This Week in Perspective

My head is spinning here. Somehow June is nearly to an end…and July…is right around the corner. How did that happen? Things are incredibly busy at Linx. We are extremely excited to announce a very large VIP celebrity search based in Los Angeles soon (details to follow in subsequent blog post featuring who we are searching for and a bit about our new male VIP) and we just can’t seem to keep up with the extraordinary high demand here in the Silicon Valley and Bay Area at large.

Last week we hosted a very successful two-day event screening tons of impressive men and women who have so graciously submitted their information to meet our clients. We hand selected a few of these great professionals who make a solid match for our current VIPs (and other clients of ours too.) These candidates we selected each possess something unique that stands out, thus contributing to the overall diversity that the Linx network represents. A random sampling of who we thought would be nice fits for Linx are: a confident and “salt of the earth” early 30’s gentleman exec living in Palo Alto, a gorgeous Mixed heritage 20-something Harvard MBA female, and blond late 20’s outdoorsy female exec from San Diego. I also interviewed a new male VIP who’s a truly remarkable great guy. He’s early 50’s, an exec, super affable, handsome, and new to the Bay Area. If you’re a 40-something fun and warmhearted attractive female who would love to meet a true southern gentleman, ping me today.

Last week, I also got to visit with acclaimed author, Justina Chen, who is currently working on her new book. Tina flew down from Seattle to visit me and watch me in action to understand a day in the life of a matchmaker. She’s working on a new novel about a generational family of matchmakers. So exciting! Her latest novel is called Return To Me. It is about the struggles that arise from betrayal, the uncertainty of life for a teenage girl, and the happiness found within the depths of your heart. Tina gave me a couple of her books to enjoy as a parting gift. One is a Survival Guide for the Blindsided and Brokenhearted called “What Now.” This guide helps women get through traumatic break-ups and life after divorce. Never a pleasant subject. For any Linx blog readers that are going through a hard time, I really recommend this guide to help turn your dust into stardust! San Mateo-20130625-01240 http://www.amazon.com/What-Now-Survival-Blindsided-Brokenhearted/dp/0988717409/ref=sr_1_6/175-1703156-1110708?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1372197666&sr=1-6

Tomorrow we have many meetings and interviews at the office. We have a stunning Ivy League graduate who is incredibly classy and poised meeting us and an international male dance champion to name two! We’ll be meeting with a very desirous male CEO end of week who will be our new VIP. With all of these exciting appointments, there is a lot of matchmaking taking place and talking to new candidates. Interestingly, a lot of people are off the market right now. Either people they’ve met on their own or though Linx. Summer is a time to head out of the house and workplace and be more available. Put yourself out there, be you, be confident, and friendly. On a separate note, I really am trying to find a date for a big Link & Drink soiree. August maybe!