Amy Andersen dating advice

Stop Playing Games | Dating Advice

When it comes to dating, who do you think plays more games? Men or women? I think women always think that men do the game playing (and in a lot of cases I think that can be very true) but from a behind the scenes perspective at Linx, I’d have to say the women appear to have the tendency to play more head games with the guys.

Our guys at Linx are pretty simple guys who at the end of the day want to find a lasting, genuine connection. They sign up for Linx because they work a lot, loathe the idea of sifting through hundreds of online profiles after work, have limited social resources for set-ups through friends, and have a high bar for what they want. They trust my team that we have listened carefully, intuited their type, and will deliver.

As a matchmaker, my routine for setting up clients has become ever more rigorous as we want to eliminate ANY reasons for them to turn down a proposed match.  For example, as I present a match candidate to a client, I ask a few high level questions, like these, to ensure that we are on the right track:

Do you think you know this person? 
Are you in town and is the timing good for you? 
Do you like the sound of my match candidate? 
Do you feel excited about the possibility or luke warm? 
Do you have any concerns from the gate? 
Do you have any major questions for me before we proceed? 
Are you completely unattached? 
And on and on…..

Once we reach that point and with any questions answered, if both the respective male and female are equally jazzed and pumped up to meet one another, THEN we “green light” the match and proceed. The engines are all fired up. Behind the scenes, I’m pacing back and forth like the rat in a laboratory cage wondering if the sparks will fly. At this stage, both parties have officially received their respective match bios describing each other – each is a completely original take on who their fabulous date is. No last names, no photos, only a vivid, luscious description with words to build up that anticipation … and have those engines continue to vroom vroom baby.

A scenario that we REALLY try to avoid at Linx (since this is such a different approach compared to everyday dating on your own) is the cat and mouse game AFTER A MATCH is made. What do I mean by this? Well, your fab cutie Silicon Valley entrepreneur date calls you and can’t reach you. So he leaves a message and you decide to play coy and do the little dance. You don’t call him back so now he’s sort of panicked wondering WTF. He reaches out to me being the matchmaker/friend/liasion/trusted source/fairy godmother type, and then matchmaker and client do the little dance.

Male client, “Amy I’m not sure what happened. Maybe I have the wrong number or something but I left a message on Friday and it is now Monday. Maybe she is traveling?”

Me, “Hmm, well I think she is in town, so let me ping her and see what is up.”

Then I proceed to reach out to her. She gets back to me right away with a “oh yeah, I have been so busy with unexpected guests in town but will call him back right away.”

She calls him and doesn’t reach him but doesn’t leave a VM. He proceeds to call her right back and she doesn’t pick up. This game continues for another two days until he calls me and is legitimately concerned.

Male client, “Amy, I just don’t think she is serious about meeting. Maybe she doesn’t like the sound of my profile but I am sticking to my gut and trusting in my grandmothers sage advice. We are all very busy people and if she really were serious and wanted to meet, she would have called me back by now. It is 7 days since the official match went out via email.”

Me to him, “I hear you, I really do. I’m not sure what to say or do as it places me in such a precarious situation. I feel for you and know you are results driven and it shouldn’t be this difficult. Let’s move on, upward, onward, and with enthusiasm. I will get to work on your next match right away!”

My title is matchmaker but I’m also a business owner who wears the hat of CEO and has to deal with these really tricky situations. In this case, I look at patterns in this kind of behavior and sometimes realize that a client has already done this sort of thing before with another client. As Patti Stanger would say, “Get out of my freakin’ club!”

People are fragile and even the most confident man at work can have feelings of doubt when it comes to dating. As you are out there dating, keep it simple and straightforward. Follow the approach that your ancestors would have done when they were out there dating. In other words, emulate and appreciate what old-fashioned courtship and chivalry really means.

We are so completely inundated with gadgets and apps in today’s modern society and are always “on the run.” Although people may say they are really ready to find love, sometimes I have to boldly ask them if they REALLY are?! Someone like the woman in the example above who can’t seem to call her date back might be hiding something and masking the truth. Maybe she is scared to find the one and actually be open and vulnerable.

Slow down and sometimes just stop in your tracks to think about what you are doing and how others will perceive you when dating. If you are a female and you want to fall in love in 2013, stop playing games. If you are a man and want to fall in love in 2013, stop playing games.

If he calls you, show him the proper respect and call him back (and yes the same thing goes to the guys out there.)

Have manners, be polite, and be gracious. 

With all of this being said, shit happens in life. If you are in a legitimate bind with guests in town, have fallen down and can’t get up, have food poisoning, have had your dog eat your homework, have 4 flat tires, have a cell phone that spontaneously combusted, or have spontaneously combusted yourself, there is always a solution out there!

We still do have pay phones, prepaid calling cards, carrier pigeons for sale http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pigeon_post, smoke signals, flares, and you do have two legs and feet for walking. Chances are, you can find a way to communicate to your date and share that you are excited to go out and will call him for a chat asap.

Dating doesn’t need to be so complicated.  Don’t be the road block that hinders you from falling in love. 

Be the catalyst to create the relationship you deserve. 

Birds of a feather…..

The Economist just published an interesting piece called The Geography of Start-Ups, Something in the Air, Why Birds of a Tech Feather Flock Together.
The distilled message of the piece argues that following economic theory, companies of all sizes (esp the small ones) tend to gravitate together due to a variety of reasons: ideas, labor, access to money, proximity of advice…thus a magnetic effect.

In the Valley people are also close to the latest ideas. “Ideas are exposed to that little tiny region possibly years ahead of the rest of the world,” reckons Mr Stoppelman. “You are always building on the idea that came immediately before. If you are trying to build the thing that comes next, early access to information about the things that are out there helps you.”

Does this thinking carry over to the dating game? Absolutely. Eligible people are drawn to vibrant locations that house other like-minded professionals. Condensed metropolitan locations like San Francisco are a great example where one city can sustain itself built on ecosystem after ecosystem of living hubs. For instance, those folks who choose SOMA, compared to Pac Heights or The Mission   often flock to a neighborhood that defines them, arguably to be around others like them (and if single to increase the probability at meeting a mate who is near them and like them). In other words, the neighborhood you choose is a direct extension of your personality, right?  

At Linx, we have a lot of clients that are very specific in their requests. An example might be “ideally she’s more  of a mission sorta- girl and not Pac Heights” or she says, “it would be preferred if he was comfortable in Russian Hill or the surrounding neighborhoods compared to the Sunset, Dog Patch.”  

Like the start-ups that nest together, single men and women do the exact same thing. Sociographics, demographics all parlay into access to ideas that could be intriguing, proximity to the types of mates they would like to end up with, and I’d say most importantly being comfortable (safe, happy, at ease) in your surrounding.  This comfort can become very close-minded when dating- not only wanting a match just like yourself but never leaving your neighborhood because your own ecosystem has everything it needs in it- so why leave and diversify? Can  banding together with your “type” of like-minded person potentially harm the dating game? In other words, do you feel broadening your reach is important when casting your dating net?

I‘d love your thoughts on this as well…write me amy@linxdating.com

 

October 5 2012 Ask Amy

QAmy, I am in a relationship right now where I love going out all the time to various galas, dinners, and events in San Francisco yet my boyfriend seems to get more and more introverted by the day and it’s like pulling teeth out to get him to attend these fabulous parties with me. I am so frustrated. All he wants to do is the occasional dinner with one another out and stay home the rest as he is so exhausted all the time for working banking hours. I really like him though.  

A: When boyfriends or husbands flair up, this is why you should have girlfriends. Any woman needs her pack of female friends to call upon to go to these functions with her. It sounds like you are very social and love being out and about. That is not for everyone so I do understand your boyfriends hesitation.

What I suggest is to do a shared social calendar with your beau- Google has an easy one you both could access easily. On the calendar put all your events and indicate if you are attending the movie opening with friend Sara, the restaurant year anniversary with Chloe, and so forth. Then block out five nights a month for just the two of you. Four are going to be dinners just with you two either in-home or out- aka date night and only ONCE a month will be an event with your beau.

Once you get these on the calendar, tell him about it and explain that you love your time with him very much and understand he might not be up for your parties and that is fine. Would he be ok with doing date night once a week with you and simply going to a party once a month, the rest you will do with your girlfriends?! I think you will have a happy boyfriend and have just figured out the perfect solution to your differences. Good luck!  

Fall Fashion for Ladies- What I love

This Fall season will involve a ton of green colors, statement purses, brooches, and lots of jackets to throw over your perfect date ensemble.  Lips are perfectly pouty in cherry, legs are shown wearing tight leather, and navy is another color that is hot- mixed with black too (which I have always done).  

I just received my Neiman Marcus Fall Book in the mail yesterday and I tore out a few things I thought Linx ladies might like. First, I am obsessing with Rachel Zoe’s new jewelry line- love, love, love AND affordable too (under $200) which is fantastic!  Any Linx clients know I am huge into statement necklaces for dating- they serve as the perfect ice breaker, flirting device, and way to get your dates eyes gazing at ahhh the chest. It reminds him he is on a date and to lust after how gorg you are!  

I also love the look that is included here in the entry of a sexy figure accentuating dress in a fab color, mixed with texture rich clutch, bold statement necklace, lady-like navy pumps, and a tailored jackets to wear upon arrival at your date (then of course removing during dinner to temp in more ways than one.) Yummy! 

As summer comes to an end in the next month or so, I’d love to get your comments as to your fav fashion for Fall. What makes you feel sexiest when dating and what will you splurge on for new trends and skip out on for this season?