Amy Andersen date coaching

New to the City | Ways to Make Friends & Attract Lovers into your Life!

Dear Amy, 

I‘m 34 years old, in tech, and recently moved to San Francisco from the Mid West. I’m a pretty simple girl with honest values- think cornbread, apple pie, and balancing my checkbook every night before bed! 
 
Being new to the city and a city in general (always lived in pretty small towns), I signed up for a few different online dating sites. What I seem to keep running into is that I struggle feeling the chemistry with these guys but overall, they are really nice yet not for me. The good girl Mid West part of me hates to let them down after a date and share I’m just not feeling it. Is it OK to keep some as friends and how do I do that? 
 
A:  Welcome to the Bay Area. I am huge into telling friends and clients to always do at least 2 dates to really see if that chemistry can develop. My question to you is, are you giving each of these chaps a fair chance or writing them off too quickly. Remember that chemistry can grow in all sorts of funny ways and in order to see if there is something there, you need to go out a couple of times. If you follow my plan and do two dates and still feel nothing, by all means you can keep whomever you like as a friend. The question is, will he want to?! Rejection on whatever level is a sensitive subject and not easy for guys to handle with their ego in the way.   
A girl who is new to the city can never have enough good friends in her life, so one way to go about this is to pay him the biggest and most genuine compliment you can after your second date. Do this in person and not over email and definitely not text.
After the compliment, pose a question to him, inquiring if he is feeling the chemistry. Maybe he is and maybe he isn’t. Get a conversation going. Then go in with the “I’m not entirely sure if the romance thing is there for me 100% but being new to the Bay Area, I’d like to keep you around, even set you up with a friend at some point. What do you think about that?” 
After you do this, your plan of action to not only keep him as a new friend but instantaneously get your name on the social map in the city is to be hostess with the mostess.
 
Our featured song for this entry is Sarah Vaughan Whatever Lola Wants by Gotan Project. This is a great song to get you into the party mood and to crank up at your soiree.
After your conversation with him, immediately get to work and don’t lose any momentum. Plan a festive and intimate party with him.
Have him invite 2 professional guy friends (if you are 34, their age is max early 40’s) and those guys invite 2 professional girls (ideally under 40) and those girls invite a friend each. Have everyone collaborate over email and each person brings an appetizer and bottle of wine under $20 from around the world. 
You host the party on a Friday or Saturday night and make sure your home is sparkling clean, candles lit, fun music on, and ready for your new friends party!  In doing this, you will meet new friends, possibly meet a cute new guy who you will feel that chemistry with, and feel welcome in your new city by the Bay!
The email invitation reads something like this: 
Who: Amanda Smith and Craig Baylor
What: Drink your way around the world and meet new friends for some networking, friendships, and fun
Where: Amanda’s new city apartment on Jackson street.
When: September 22nd at 6:00pm
Why: Everyone needs a reason to have fun after a long work week and I’m new to the city!
Please bring a bottle of white or red wine under $20 and it must be from out of the US. Think Australia, New Zealand, South America,
Iceland?!  Feel free to bring an appetizer too. I will be making my favorite artichoke dip and savory cheese fondue as well.
Please bring a friend of the opposite sex too!
Parking is grim, so cab if you can or roll the dice with parking.
See you soon!
Kindly,
Amanda and Craig
If you try this, you are guaranteed an entertaining night and to get on the social grid. You will be considered by these new friends to be a sophisticated catch, who is sweet, social, friendly, and smart.
The word will buzz around and next thing you know, the boys will be calling.  This social strategy for meeting new people could be applied to even those who are in graduate school programs at Stanford University. What a great way to meet new prospects for friendships and love!
And no concerns if you have a tiny apartment. At the end of the day, your guests will be thankful for the invitation and don’t care about a small space. You can move tables, chairs, stand around, ask the guys to help move furniture if needed. No excuses! Now get party planning and report back to amy@linxdating.com.  I want an invite too! 😉

Backward is the way forward

With Mother’s Day just around the corner, naturally I think about my parents and their “love” journey – from dating to being married for over 40 years! Their love story serves as a constant reminder to me to slow down and really focus on what’s important when it comes to dating and love, which is something I always tell my clients.

Think back to when our parents were dating – when chivalry and manners were key and “options” were fewer. Remember the importance and excitement of courtship that our parents and other couples have been practicing for centuries. In today’s fast paced society where we are leading such busy and technologically connected lives, it’s important to slow down and remember to enjoy the ride.

I’d like to take you on a brief stroll back through the history of romance and encourage you to remember where we came from with regards to dating and, in the process, share with you a couple of good old-fashioned dating tips about targeting only the most critical options in your search, making the effort to have more face-to-face interactions, and embracing chivalry.

1.Choices: Remember that “less is more”

Thinking back to when my parents were dating, my father just knew he wanted to marry my mother, proposed after only seven days of knowing her and “lived happily ever after” with some bumps along the way, naturally. Back when our parents were “dating” – the pool of eligible mates was smaller, fewer choices meant more focus on what was really important when it came to courtship and truly “getting to know” someone. When it comes to dating, too often I see people passing up wonderful opportunities and chances for great connections because they want to “keep their options open.” Having options is wonderful, but it’s not about quantity here – more importantly, think about what really matters in finding the one person you want to share your life with – what are their values, passions and goals, just to name a few?  These deeper things all take quality time to learn about in another person- versus he is an inch too short or she isn’t skinny enough. Look to have fewer options and instead focus on what’s important and target your dating efforts accordingly.

2. Personal Communication

In our technology driven world, it has become more convenient to chat via e-mails and text messaging, and this has stunted the growth of intimacy and good old fashioned personal communication, especially face-to-face! While it may be quicker and more convenient to send a message – in the world of dating, a phone call and human interaction is much more personal and can be key to building meaningful relationships.

Also, the thrill of meeting someone new in person and by chance occurs much less often since people are now searching for potential dates online. Think back to when Facebook and social networks were nonexistent… there was no such thing as snooping around online, clicking through photos and formulating judgments based on the information provided online. In dating and love, courtship is an exciting time to enjoy the companionship and intimacy of another human – offline and not through texts! So, get off your bum and spice up your romantic life by making the effort to utilize old fashioned communication. Make that phone call instead of texting, grab a drink and have a nice conversation, go out on a limb – hand write and send a card (my parents were pen pals during their courtship with a new letter in the box each day!) These are things will add intrinsic value to your interpersonal relationships.

3. Chivalry is not dead!

This is something I can’t tell my clients enough, both for the men and women. We are living in a time when women are becoming increasingly independent, hard working and highly respected professionally. Some women may feel as if they’re betraying their strong female identity by allowing a man to play the dominant role. Truth is, women still crave ultra-traditional ways of dating – they want to be pursued, protected, and cared for by their partners.

So, for men – look to the men in your past generations and incorporate some good old-fashioned courtship into the mix. Does this mean the women you date will be any less brainy and independent? Absolutely not. It is possible to have a well-rounded, intelligent and strong woman who will greatly appreciate a true, stand-up and chivalrous gentleman. That means, take initiative to make decisions and ask her out, follow through with what you say (don’t be flakey), open doors for her wherever you go, pay for dinner, listen and take care of her and don’t forget the sweet gestures from time-to-time. A real woman will appreciate and even reciprocate!

For women, there’s no harm in swooning just a little when your man is kicking it old school by treating you like a lady.  Though it’s been a long time since women have typically needed to be fully supported by men, admittedly those qualities are still innately attractive. Furthermore, when he plans a date, compliments you, or helps you with a problem – it’s powerful because on an unconscious level, it shows his ability to take charge and his staying power in the relationship. Ladies, swoon on!

The good old days are back my friends.

And when it comes to dating and love, backward is the way forward.