alternative to online dating

Save It For The Judge…..

 

iStock-472711356 copy.jpgI recently had someone challenge me, in an email exchange, about the expectations that we have of the men we work with at Linx and how we hold them accountable.

 

It is a great and fair question – but the answer is not so straightforward.  An equally great and fair question should be about the expectations we have of the women we work with at Linx and how we hold them accountable.

 

In this blog entry, I hope I can begin to answer these questions and illustrate that it really does go both ways and that the reality of passing judgment on people (whether men on women or women on men) may not always be pleasant, but is a fundamental truth in the human nature of long term romantic relationships.

 

During the Linx client intake process, there are a variety of questions I ask of the prospect and the type of match (s)he seeks. My primary goal at this early stage is to hone in on the more “scientific” part of the search, as I gather objective data regarding the type of match someone desires. These metrics are powerful, in that they allow me, the expert matchmaker, to create a solid and plausible foundation for a long-term match.

 

Naturally, some of the questions I ask can be a little hair-raising for some clients – for example, when I am asking a female prospect about her dress size and weight or if she has taken fertility measures to preserve her eggs (see more about this toward the end of the blog), some do not appreciate these blunt intrusions into sensitive subjects, while others go through the process with absolutely no objections.

 

A great prospective client I encountered shared, “I would hate to think in the end women are being judged one dimensionally in this process. While I appreciate everyone has preferences I would not be a match with a man that over indexes on a female’s looks and a particular dress size.”

 

I responded and told her that men are wired completely differently than us women. It is a universal and biological fact that men are extremely visual and generally fall in love with their eyes, whereas women appear to fall in love with their ears. The metrics and science of what someone desires is a relatively big part of this equation to find the right match. Every man I encounter has his own stated preferences and desires. From a physical stand point, some guys want Chinese, others East Asian, some Caucasian, no one over 5’5”, no one under 5’5”, long hair, short hair, light eyes, tan skin, no freckles, sexy in her style, or conservative style, light on the make-up, or dolls herself up all the time.

 

The data I gather is a completely eye-opening, scattergram of chaos. To add another layer of complexity, we then dive into a match’s personality, religion, lifestyle, career choice, marital background, hobbies, etc. It goes on and on and on. And this same principle of everyone having his/her own objective desires in a match applies equally to women. Women are just as harsh critics as the men are in what they need in a mate (from height, to hair, to personality, to income, to background, to lifestyle). The overarching conclusion is that even the most angelic people judge others. It’s life. We all secretly like what we like and don’t like what we don’t like. We don’t want to admit that human beings discriminate on a wide range of metrics but it is a fact that everyone I have ever encountered in my 16 years of running Linx has their own stated preferences and deal breakers in a potential match and if they state that they do not, they are, at least to some extent, lying to themselves and to me.

 

Another hot button topic for some women is when I ask whether she’s taken any fertility measures in her personal life to preserve her eggs. Egg freezing has become so popular as the tech giants like Facebook and Google often offer to pay for these incredibly pricey insurance policies. Take it or leave it but the fertility question in the intake is a big one. Not only am I asking women if they have thought about this, or if perhaps have already done multiple rounds of egg freezing, but the men on many occasions lecture me when they come in for their initial in-person meet and greets about a female’s biology and youth optimum IF the male prospect is wishing to have children in his personal life. Of course, there are a ton of men who either have kids, do not want kids, or have kids and do not wish for more. Again, everyone has their own stated ideals.

 

It is fair that fertility should even be a factor in the selection of a mate? Shouldn’t a female be chosen for her brain, heart and soul? Yes, actually I do believe that. But when I look to match, I align core value sets from a foundational standpoint and fertility is a large part of this equation if both parties want the option of having a child or children one day. Women, rest assured, that men are just not looking for a hot female who has ripe juicy eggs. Thank goodness. They actually are not as pigheaded as folklore goes. It is universally true that the types of men Linx Dating work with do “want it all”, just as the females that come into Linx want a man who “has it all” as well. It’s holistic, not just one-dimensional. Men need to be attracted first and foremost and then everything else hopefully aligns – brains, personality, and balance. Women seek financial stability, someone who has a healthy dose of EQ/IQ, and attraction is part of the picture too.

 

Making sure each party has a solid foundation and the match is a long-term match, not some short-term play, is critical. The couples I match enter serious relationships. I am an a bonafide expert and work with my clients to remove the chaos that can envelop mate selection when they are working on their own and “dating in the wild.”

 

No matter how you look at it, people select mates for a variety of reasons and no matter the approach, whether it be meeting someone serendipitously, via online/app dating, through Linx, or at work, we all are built to thin-slice (a la Malcolm Gladwell’s classic book “Blink”) and we do it consciously and unconsciously on a daily basis. Human beings are judgmental and if we if didn’t judge and thin-slice, we wouldn’t be able to create order and make sense of all the information around us.

 

What Guys are Saying about Linx….

“You are a total world-class pro!”- 50-something CEO of tier one finance firm

“Amy is probably the best matchmaker in Silicon Valley and has had some great success, while she didn’t match my wife and I, I was working with her and the dates that she sent me on were closer to the mark than most I did on my own and really helped me define what I wanted.

Amy is very good at helping you set your expectations properly and to really figure out what you need to improve about yourself to attract the type of person you want. This is key because if you want the caliber of person you desire, you need to work on you first.

Amy is very well connected in Silicon Valley and has a large pool of connections to make that introduction happen. I have sent several of my friends her way, and if you want that personal hands on approach, Amy is the type of person that will help you find the most important person in your life.”- 30 something entrepreneur in tech

“Finding the love of your life can seem like an endless search, with ups and downs. The Linx process was professional, detailed, considerate, and very enjoyable. It was the third match that worked like a charm- where chemistry was firing in all directions.

I ended up proposing to my beautiful soul mate and we are so excited to get married! Amy even helped with my proposal planning making it seamless and thoughtful at Cavallo Point in Marin. We are so blessed to have been matched and wouldn’t have ever met if it was not for this unique dating network. For anyone who wants to be introduced to quality, genuine men and women all of whom have been carefully vetted by Amy, this is an excellent alternative to online dating and dating apps!”- 50 something in healthcare

“For a person generally recognized as the Silicon Valley matchmaker, Amy’s approach is decidedly traditional. At first glance, you might wonder if this difference is what enables Amy to succeed where online dating and other matchmaking services have failed. After working with Amy, though, it becomes apparent that her approach is a natural outcome of what truly makes her great–her drive to invest time and energy in each and every client she takes on. Amy’s intelligence and creativity allow her to translate this passion into tangible results regardless of what an individual client’s needs may be. My only regret in working with Amy is that I didn’t start sooner!

…Amy would be the first to tell you that her service is best used as a supplement to rather than a replacement for online dating; and if you’re shocked that a service provider spends more time on clients that pay more, you might have a different understanding of business than I do.”- 30 something in technology

Dashing tall, dark, and handsome surgeon seeks match 27-37….

iStock-486286880 copy.jpgOur client is a handsome and athletic 6’2″ Caucasian gentleman who was raised in San Diego. This very youthful and energetic 45 year-old has brown hair, olive skin, green eyes, and quite an athletic physique. He moved to Silicon Valley after living in San Francisco for 6 years to be closer to work but finds himself visiting friends and absorbing the fine arts of San Francisco often. 

He graduated first in his class as an undergraduate and was jointly accepted to both UC Davis medical school and USC film school. After a tough decision he feels very lucky to be so in love with his career as a surgeon and spends time every year in various locations in Africa and Nepal teaching and performing surgery.  In this exchange he provides the free surgery and in return these thankful patients rejuvenate his perspective on life and fill his soul to the brim. He also takes time to teach Stanford residents and trains international fellows. 

Outside of work he has a very full life but looks forward to making room for a partner and relationship. He finds tranquility in both the mountains and the ocean. Mountain passions include hiking in stunning locations such as Africa and the Himalayas, mountain biking around the Bay Area, snowboarding around the globe (including a back-country trip to Antarctica), and rock climbing in Yosemite valley and Tuolumne meadows. The sea provides surfing enjoyment and he loves reconnecting with friends and nature in places like the Mentawaii Islands. Luckily he has a lifestyle oriented work situation with a great many vacation weeks per year so he has ample time to both travel and enjoy these activities. His adventurous spirit once took him rock climbing at 17,000 feet to the top of mount Kenya where he unexpectedly spent a frigid night shivering under the rope which served as his only blanket. He now prefers to not torture himself and others and happily moderates the intensity of these sports so they can be enjoyed with others as sharing the fun of these activities with others brings him great joy. 

Beyond these interests our client loves the art world and has a background in fine arts. Both photography and painting have been passions since college and he is not only a published artist but has had gallery shows. Still, he considers his best artwork to be his beautiful and brilliant 4 year-old daughter whom he amicably shares custody with his ex-partner. 

His best suited match is between 27-37 years old and keeps an active, healthy lifestyle. She’s mixed race, European, or Asian American with a well-toned physique and a glow that can only come from a healthy lifestyle and positive attitude. Friends would describe her as passionate (work, life, and goes after life with zeal), intelligent, tenacious, caring, trustworthy, and responsible. He is looking for a partner with an adventurous spirit so together they can squeeze as much joy out of life as possible. If you know anyone who fits this description, please refer and nominate your friend or yourself by emailing Amy at amy@linxdating.com 

New testimonial

“Amy Andersen is in a league of her own! My experience with her has been so enjoyable and has reminded me of how much fun that dating can be. She has a keen attention to detail, succinct prescreening questions, and a knack for working with high quality people that are commitment minded. What makes her stand out above all is her follow up and genuine interest in a positive outcome… I have yet to meet another matchmaker on her level that has been such a dating expert – she’s actually like a dating coach. All relationships would go much more smoothly if Amy was there as a dating coach…”

-LA based 30-something entrepreneurial female

Linx Reviews

“For a person generally recognized as the Silicon Valley matchmaker, Amy’s approach is decidedly traditional. At first glance, you might wonder if this difference is what enables Amy to succeed where online dating and other matchmaking services have failed. After working with Amy, though, it becomes apparent that her approach is a natural outcome of what truly makes her great–her drive to invest time and energy in each and every client she takes on. Amy’s intelligence and creativity allow her to translate this passion into tangible results regardless of what an individual client’s needs may be. My only regret in working with Amy is that I didn’t start sooner!

I note that most of the negative comments refer either to a) internet dating alternatives or b) Amy’s perceived prioritization of higher-fee clients. All I can say is this: Amy would be the first to tell you that her service is best used as a supplement to rather than a replacement for online dating; and if you’re shocked that a service provider spends more time on clients that pay more, you might have a different understanding of business than I do.”

 

“I recently attended one of Amy’s events and had the opportunity to meet a group of lovely people that she brought together. They were well accomplished, interesting and warm. Amy was a wonderful hostess and always made sure that my champagne glass was full.

Amy has always been professional, warm and generous with her time and resources. It is clear why she is so successful at what she does because she appears to be committed to helping her clients.”

 

“Amy is amazing. Very professional matchmaker with an extensive network. She zeros in on what you are looking for. All the people she introduces are high quality, no sketchy weirdos so it saves a LOT of time and effort in the emotional process of dating, especially for us busy professionals. It’s only about whether there’s chemistry between you and your match – and that’s up to the universe. Highly recommend!” 

Seeking an accomplished single female of integrity, grace, and beauty for our exceptional 30-something bachelor

Linx is looking for single females between the ages of 25-33 years old for our mid-30’s bachelor residing in Southern California. We are happy to send details about our bachelor to qualifying candidates. To say he is exceptional, worldly, cute, highly educated, and super successful would be an understatement!

Are you 25-33 years old and….

– smart and educated / highly accomplished
– funny (as in sense of humor)
– caring and tender
– elegant, stylish, very feminine
– passionate, ambitious, sense of adventure and wonderment

Please email any leads to amy@linxdating.com  There is a small window open in our clients life and the next woman he meets and ends up in a relationship with will absolutely result in marriage. Timing is everything!

 

 

Is He Ready for Commitment? 7 Signs that Point to Yes

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There is nothing more frustrating than heading towards a serious, monogamous relationship only to hear your could-be-significant-other say, “I just don’t think I’m ready to commit.” Unfortunately, many women blame themselves for this outcome instead of chalking it up to poor timing or different long-term goals. Save yourself time, energy, and heartache by choosing men who want—not be convinced to want—a longer term relationship.

At Linx, we work exclusively with relationship-minded men, and we’ve noticed a few qualities that set them apart from their more casual counterparts. Here are seven signs to help you spot the difference between contenders and pretenders.

  1. Is he thoughtful about the time he spends with you?

He wants to make sure he sees you. He doesn’t invite you to hangout or casually mention that you should drop by his weekend BBQ. Instead, he asks you out and figures out a time based on your schedule. You’ll also notice that his dates are somewhat tailored to your preferences. He may take you to the restaurant that has your favorite dumplings or the art exhibit you mentioned in passing. He wants to share great moments with you—and that starts with thoughtful planning.

  1. Can you count on him?

Being able to rely on your partner for support is a big part of a sustainable relationship, and he will want to show you that he can handle one. It’s easy to feel infatuated when everything is going well, but does he have staying power when things get a little, hmmm, complicated? How did he react when you had a blow up at work? Was he available when you were sick with a nasty cold? If he always shows up for you, he’s showing that he’s worth the emotional investment.

  1. Can you talk about anything?

He’s willing to be straightforward about his feelings for you. If he’s not verbal, he finds other ways to show how he feels. He reaches for your hand. He holds the door for you. He stocks his fridge with your favorite snacks. He learns how you take your coffee. Give him an opportunity to show you how he feels; if he’s interested in long-term commitment, he will be attentive.

  1. Does he bring up exclusivity?

Sometimes the cues aren’t always verbal. You’ll notice that his phone isn’t blowing up with texts or calls from other women, because he’s buried all old flames. If you’re his +1 to an event and notice that all other attendees are in couples, he considers you two a couple.

  1. Does he take it slow?

Having sex at the right time—not having sex in a vacuum—becomes the goal. There is no pressure or focus on the sexual aspects of your relationship, because he knows that this part will evolve at its own pace. Men seeking casual flings will put an enormous amount of focus on the physical. Dates may seem rushed or overly casual and may feel more like activities to fill time until it becomes ‘suitable’ to have sex. How would he respond if you nixed the date without spending the night? If you predict any backlash whatsoever, he’s probably more interested in sexy time than learning about you.

  1. Does he talk long-term plans?

He might not be talking rings or kids, but he’s making plans that go beyond the upcoming weekend. Whether it’s scheduling a concert weeks away or inviting you to an upcoming wedding, he’s starting to assume you’ll be in the picture.

  1. Does he make you feel secure?

When a man is seriously interested, he wants to make you feel safe—physically and emotionally. In large crowds, he will help navigate you. If someone appears aggressive, your man is on alert. He’s an extra pair of eyes and ears making your physical well-being a priority. You’ll also notice that your man wants you to feel your best. You won’t feel jealous of other women, because your man takes time to compliment, and remind you of all the reasons you are special.

If you’re wondering how to get him to commit, you’re asking the wrong question. The right man for you—a man who is ready for a serious relationship—will show you that he is worthy of your time and affection. If you are ready to meet a commitment-minded man, consider emailing amy@linxdating.com and tell Amy a little bit about yourself.