Putting the CON in Confidence… Part II

Amy often points out that the skills of dating are themselves like a muscle, and unless regularly exercised, they tend to atrophy. This is true of people both in and out of relationships, and though it is a huge mistake to think that your “dating life” is over just because you’ve found a boyfriend or girlfriend (happy long term couples actively “date” each other throughout their marriage) this can be a particularly hard problem for those of us who are single; if the dating muscles have atrophied and a new date is on the horizon, how can we pretend to have any dating strengths?

Given that we charge our male clients with the responsibility of planning, arranging, and paying for a date, it makes sense to offer the more skittish guys some advice on how to make sure everything at the restaurant goes smoothly. Assuming you survived Part I of this series, and successfully navigated a phone call that has led to a first date, here are some things to keep in mind that can help provide the boost of confidence you might need to convert a first date into a second.

1. Scout the location.

As a guy, it’s really important to have some sense of mastery of your surroundings, especially if you’ve invited a woman to a place she’s never been. While we certainly recommend picking somewhere totally new to both of you if you’re a more practiced or adventuresome dater, go with someplace familiar if first dates are generally hard or stressful for you; we want you to be excited about this, not anxious.

So show up a little bit early, especially if you haven’t been there in awhile. Make sure you check in with the hostess, and maybe try to request a booth or corner table that has low lighting. Or ask to sit outside if the weather is right and you don’t think it will get too cool too quickly (women love dining al fresco, even if they’re rarely properly dressed for it). Make sure you know the answer to the inevitable “Do you know where they hide the ladies’ room?” query that you’ll get at some point during dinner. And even take some time to study the menu while you’re alone and form a couple of questions or opinions about the dishes; if decisions are hard for you, deciding what to eat will be even harder when you’re being distracted by a pretty face.

2. Admit ignorance.

If you aren’t particularly well-versed in any specific food or cuisine, the really great thing about a restaurant is that it’s full of experts who can help you out. Don’t know where the best table is for a first date? Ask the hostess. Not sure what to order? Ask the waiter. Not comfortable ordering a bottle of wine? Ask the sommelier. Some guys might see this as weakness, but admitting what you don’t know is actually a strength; it also gets you off the hook. If the wine is bad, you didn’t pick it. If the table is lousy, you didn’t ask to be seated there. If the dish is awful, blame the waiter. And send it back. All of us like someone who knows a lot about a few things, but no one likes the guy who thinks that he knows a lot about everything. It’s really ok to be ignorant; admitting ignorance in front of your date can allow both of you to learn something. Together. It also lets your date know that you aren’t the kind of guy who always has to have an opinion, which means she’ll likely care a lot more about the opinions that you do have. Confident guys are curious, because they admit they have a lot to learn. Most women will tell you that being a lifelong learner is very, very sexy.

3. Be gentlemanly.

This one should really go without saying, but be sure to open doors for your date, to not sit down until she’s seated, and if you really want to make an impression, stand up if she needs to leave the table in the middle of your date. You should also encourage her to feel comfortable ordering what she’d like (after all, you picked the restaurant) so be sure to signal that you’re feeling both generous and hungry. In other words, saying things like “We’re doing three courses, right” (You’re hungry) and “I’m sort of stuck… not really sure if I want the halibut or the duck” (Your pockets are deep… enough) provides reassurance for her that she should order as she pleases, and she should expect to enjoy the evening.

4. Be clear.

As your meal winds down, don’t be afraid to let her know you’ve had a great time. If you truly mean it, a woman loves hearing “I’ve had a great night” and “I’d like to do this again.” Too often, we hedge our bets and make conditional statements like “If you’re interested, I’d like to go out again” or “I’d like to do this again if you would.” Do not do that. Be direct. It conveys a lot of confidence when you use a declarative statement. After all, no matter how you word them, questions always involves a degree of uncertainty. Yes? No? Yes?

5. Be… the bodyguard.

Whether you had the best date of your life or the worst night you can remember, always offer to walk a woman to her car/hail a cab for her/escort her to a bus or BART stop/stay with her while she waits for an Uber. It might waste a few minutes of your life and you may have hated each other, but it’s still a sign that you’re a good person. And a thoughtful man. On the other hand – with a date you really liked – it could be that extra minute or two alone that builds enough sexual tension and spark to lead to a great first kiss. And if you think the time is right for a great first kiss to happen, be sure to kiss her with confidence.

The third and final part of this series will involve some general tips for building and maintaining confidence in a lot of different situations. If you’re a guy who’s lacking confidence and self esteem, that can change. You really can learn to be more confident. And your entire life will change positively as a result. So stay tuned for more…. 😉

How to Be A Completely Unforgettable Woman & Seduce Your Man…

What’s your style and unique way of being completely unforgettable when it comes to romance and seduction? Some women tell us it’s a having inner confidence and that nothing is sexier than a woman who knows what she wants and goes after it. Others say it’s a woman who let’s him guess and discover more and more about her each time they see one another- in other words…being mysterious always tops the list.

One friend of Linx recently shared she loves being dominant sexually and taking control. When he’s least expecting it, she finds great pleasure in surprising him with what she wants and wanting it now! We know lots of women who use their ambition as the ultimate tool of seduction. It goes back to a woman who knows she she wants, isn’t afraid to express herself, yet the delivery and actions of this is done in a masterfully sexy way.

Many women agree it’s what she wears in the bedroom- silk, black lingerie, or…..

And the way she smells (think figuring out your signature scent) or having your own look and sense of style can be very seductive for a man.

Burlesque dancer, model, and actress, Dita Von Teese, shares her thoughts on the art of seduction.

What’s seduction mean to you?!

Dinner with E. Jean Carroll

Tonight I had the honor of meeting E. Jean Carroll over a lovely meal in Palo Alto. Every woman knows E. Jean from her long-standing dating and relationship column in ELLE Magazine, “Ask E. Jean.” E. Jean is not only incredibly witty, approachable, brilliant, fun, but tremendously talented and so so sweet! She truly is one impressive and COOL woman- and I don’t say that lightly or about a lot of people in general.

E. Jean and her business partner, Kenneth, run Tawkify– which is offline matchmaking and “a personal concierge to your dating life.” As matchmakers, we were laughing and commiserating with one another about running high-end matchmaking services….relating, agreeing, smiling, nodding, and at the end hugging goodbye.

What a joy it was and I hope we can all sync up again in the near future!

Post thoughts Link & Drink

We’re still sort of recovering from our very successful Link & Drink on the 17th. We had more than 400 guests and the event, and people seemed to linger for hours, making new personal and professional connections right and left! I’ll admit that in comparison to past Link & Drinks that there were a LOT of women present, but we worked so very hard to keep the numbers balanced and expressed time and time again that this was not a singles event; it was about professional networking. That said, a few guests (all women) probably did not read the marketing messages about Drinks on the Linx, and still expected a singles event. A couple of these ladies even chastised me for the gender imbalance in front of other guests, which made an otherwise great night somewhat uncomfortable for me. I recommend that anyone with that attitude or bitterness not attend future Linx events; they make it hard for me to want to host any events at all in the future, and take the fun out of it for everyone.

That said, Coupa Cafe did a wonderful job helping execute such a phenomenally run mixer, and the venue was absolutely gorgeous. You know we’re not in the habit of objectifying men around here, but so many of the guys (of all ages) were handsome, successful, and charming. And the women were absolutely beautiful! It’s no surprise at all that we’ve already heard from plenty of guests who made great connections, and some of them have even been on fantastic dates! Furthermore, we’ve heard from quite a few of you who have preliminary job interviews lined up which is exciting to hear.

What friends of Link & Drink are saying about our mixer….

“I had such a fantastic time at “Link & Drink,” Linx’s Dating networking event at Stanford’s Golf Course. Amy Andersen, Linx’s founder, chose a wonderful venue and invited really interesting and fun guests to participate in one of the best match-making events that I have been. I truly enjoyed speaking with guests with a great variety of backgrounds, and felt at ease mingling with them. All different ages were represented and at some point I forgot that I was indeed in a match making event… it simply felt like a great cocktail party!” – female 38 years old in security software

“Hi Amy, it was good to see you again & also truly enjoy a good mixer. Thank you for inviting, it got me out & dressed up 🙂 “– female 33 years old in tech

“Amy, your events never cease to amaze me. This is my third Link & Drink and I always have a good time. I met a handful of contacts who are great business connections and ended up bumping into an old colleague as well which was fun to see him after all these years. Thank you again.” – female 35 in finance

“Thank you for a gorgeous venue at the golf course. I’ve never been there and appreciate you always finding ‘hidden gems’ to host your parties at. I found the people friendly and the evening very valuable as I am currently searching for a new job. I exchanged biz cards with some good contacts and one has already netted in an in-person interview…so thank you!”– female 41 in marketing

“Amy….Just wanted to take a moment and drop you a quick note to commend you on such a phenomenal event last night. Being my first Linx event, I was quite impressed and completely immersed myself in the energetic experience. I really enjoyed connecting with the other guests on both a professional and personal level. To say that I had great time would be a severe understatement. Although we only chatted briefly at the end of the evening, it was a pleasure meeting you. I hope to stay in touch and connect with you in the near future. Thanks for making Drinks on the Linx so worthwhile.” male early 30’s, executive in technology

“Amy, I just wanted to thank and express my appreciation for an event which was well worth the money and time.”– male 40’s in tech

“Amy, thank you for the party , it was awesome I met two nice ladies and maybe something will come out of that ! The ratio was by far slighted for the men OMG !!!! It is usually not that way so I thank you. Usually it is other way around so that was great . It just goes to show you so many people Are seeking love and companionship and cannot find it !!!” – male 60 years old in commercial real estate

“What a nice event last night Amy, thanks! A lot of attractive women there, I talked to a couple but I’m pretty shy in that kind of environment – I didn’t know anyone else there. Next time, I’m definitely going to find another guy to go with, great opportunity to meet. Thanks again for a great event.” – male early 50’s attorney

Summer’s Newest Linx VIP!

Our boyishly handsome Caucasian bachelor is a very successful, active, and intelligent man in his early 50s whose easy charm and laid-back demeanor offer a counterpoint to his professional role as a partner in a prominent local law firm where he focuses on high-profile, high-stakes litigation. At 6’0″ tall with short salt-and-pepper hair, warm brown eyes, and an easy smile, this thoughtful man possesses all of the quiet strength and chivalric charm that you’d hope to find in someone with his deep Southern roots.

Away from the office and the courtroom, you can often find him with a camera in hand as he travels around the country, and beyond. He loves to travel, and makes a point to do it regularly, often making the most of his weekends by visiting Carmel, Tahoe, Napa, Santa Barbara, Sonoma, and plenty of other quaint and cozy spots that allow him to hike and bike through beautiful scenery, and then spend the evening at a great restaurant or resort. He’s worked very hard to get to this point in his life, and being able to share it with the right woman would feel like a much-deserved reward.

At home, he likes to cook and loves to entertain. He’s definitely a dog guy (he has two at home) and enjoys summer trips and holiday visits with his college-aged son. With the right woman he’s open to the possibility of more children (and would, of course, welcome any kids who are already part of her life) but would also be very excited by a future just for two that centered entirely around grown-up fun!

Are you a match?

Our bachelor would like to meet an athletic and beautiful Caucasian woman between the ages of 35 and 48 who is on the taller side (5’4”+) with medium to long hair (of any color) who has a satisfying career and a well established life, but is still interested in building a fantastic future with the right man. He responds best to warmth, sensuality, femininity, intelligence, stability, and enthusiasm. A sense of adventure, an active mind, and a desire for fun are absolutely necessary for connecting with this gentleman. (You must be willing to work up a sweat during the day, climbing hills or biking through Napa, but then still have the energy and grace to sit down to a great conversation and a white tablecloth meal that night.) Kids and pets of your own are certainly welcome, and you also need to be willing to enthusiastically embrace his. An appreciation for wit, sarcasm, and old movies would be a definite bonus.

Please contact Amy directly at amy@linxdating if you’re interested in meeting this exceptional gentleman. We will be screening candidates privately on his behalf at a five-star hotel on August 20th and 21st. There are absolutely no fees for this opportunity, so contact Amy today to see if you qualify.

Time is running out… and so are tickets!

Today is the LAST day/evening to buy tickets for Drinks on the Linx! Again, we will not be selling tickets at the door (and we’re very, very close to being sold out) so please join us, and the more than 350 people who’ve already purchased tickets for a night of fun and frolic at the clubhouse of the Stanford Golf Course tomorrow night (Thursday, July 17th) from 6pm to 9:30pm. Light fare (including sliders, quesadillas, salads, and fries) fresh from the patio grill will be available for purchase, and admission includes an open bar serving Prosecco, wine, and premium spirits! Tickets are $50, but you can get a $5 discount with the code “FACEBOOK5”.

This promises to be the best personal and professional networking event of the summer. You definitely do not want to miss out, so buy your ticket while there’s still time to do so! Tickets will NOT be sold at the door.

We hope to see you there!

“Do You Have Anyone… Younger?”

We hear this question perhaps more often than any other — at least once a day, sometimes once an hour, and never, ever, in jest. We hear it from men and women young and old, from divorcees and widows, from single mothers, lonely dads, and those hoping to find a Happily Ever After that keeps them from becoming one of the above. We hear it… all the time.

There are a lot of reasons someone might want a younger spouse; beyond the superficial, men tend to point out the desire for fertility in women (funny we’ve never heard that one before guys!), and women tend to point that men don’t live as long as they do, so each gender can certainly make a valid point. But most of the time that we get asked for an introduction to someone younger, age actually has very little to do with it. Most of the time, people aren’t looking for someone young. They’re looking for someone youthful, and they’re hoping to go on a date with a man or woman who is willing to exhibit real, unbridled enthusiasm; they’re looking for a date who is excited about meeting them.

For those of us who’ve been dating for longer than we’d like, or who’ve cycled through the same three first date restaurants far too many times, we can start to think that every first date will be just like those that didn’t work before. We already know where we want to sit, what we’ll likely order, and how bad or good a particular waiter might be. We can fall into a familiar routine far too easily, and treat our dates like they’re part of a longstanding pattern that he or she did nothing at all to establish. In fact, it’s OUR responsibility to try to break that pattern; after all the only common link in all of those failed first dates is… us.

Try to remember that it’s not your date’s fault that you already go to Left Bank with your friends every Thursday night. Don’t talk to the guy across the table from you about all of your ex’s past sins. And please, please, don’t tell the woman you’re trying to court all about how you “destroyed your ex-wife in the courtroom.” Young people think a lot about the future; older people think a lot about the past. Which one do you find more attractive? And which one do you think you want to be? Age may dictate lots of things about your body, but it doesn’t have to play any role at all in your attitude; you may not always be young, but you can always be youthful.

We do our best to rise to the challenge when our clients ask to meet someone younger, but more often than not, we know that an age gap isn’t really the solution. Our clients quickly realize it too, but instead of understanding that the difference in age is too big, they usually decide that it simply isn’t big enough. When we’re really, really lucky, they finally admit that they might be better off taking our advice about the men or women they should date. And in the very best cases — when we’ve met people who are optimistic, full of life, and looking toward the future — we’re able to say to our clients “We happen to know an incredibly warm and youthful person you should meet… and the two of you happen to be about the same age.”

Putting the CON in Confidence… Part I

When Amy and I are asked to name the one quality that women find most attractive in a man, the answer is easy: CONFIDENCE. We hear it every day, and while it’s true that some guys can seem a little bit too confident, confidence is a lot like money; it’s hard to tell when you have too much of it, but it’s very, very obvious when you don’t have enough.

Confidence is absolutely essential for converting a first date into something more, and eventually ending up in a relationship; after all, if you don’t believe that a particular woman should be interested in dating you, then why should she be? And how are you ever going to convince her that you’re the right guy if you can’t even convince yourself? Given that we aren’t all 6’5” with a cleft chin, a full head of hair, and huge biceps, it can be easy to doubt yourself or be anxious on a first date. Thankfully, a little bit of confidence is something a guy can fake pretty easily (Do you hear that, ladies? You aren’t the only ones who can fake things.). And for a guy who’s low on self-esteem, even faking just a little bit of confidence can go a long way.

1. Before you pick up the phone, have a plan.

Under no circumstances should you ever call a woman for a first date and say “What would you like to do?” As a man who has spent most of his life dealing with “complicated” women, I can tell you that this is a huge mistake. To get the upper hand (and earn some respect at the very beginning of your relationship) only present her with a series of Yes or No questions. And do them in order of Day, Time, Place, and Transportation. For example:

“Are you Free on Saturday?” No? “How about Sunday?” No? “Can you be free for dinner on Friday?” Once you get a yes, IMMEDIATELY move on to times. “Does 6:30 work for you?” No? “How is 7:30?” No? “Great, I’ll make a reservation for 8pm.” Then move on to “Do you like Indian?” or “I was thinking of this Burmese place” or “I thought we could go to a bistro I like in Saratoga.” Be sure to have three or four different options picked out in advance, and once you get a Yes, MOVE ON. “May I pick you up?” No? “I’ll see you there. I’m looking forward to it. Feel free to text me if anything changes.” And then HANG UP THE PHONE.

Do not ask “What times works for you?” DO NOT do that. If you do, she will likely spend several minutes telling you why all of the other times do not work. You will feel beaten by this. You will be tired. We do not want that. And do not ask “What kind of food do you like?” Do not do that. Because most women will tell you what they don’t like instead of what they do. Even if she started with something like “I love Thai” you will end up hearing a story about food poisoning or a bad date or a cockroach that she encountered at a Vietnamese place with bad lighting on the outskirts of Boston that she mistakenly frequented during her first year of grad school. Ten years ago. And you will forget where you are in the entire date planning process. See? You probably forgot where we were in this lesson, and I only distracted you from the path for just one sentence.

It is really key that you do not open any windows into her past in this initial phone call. Remember that this woman is interested in dating a gentleman – and you might be that gentleman – so take a firm hold of the conversation, and make sure that you only open the door that leads to her future.

If you’re new to the area (or new to dating) or really want to make a great impression, Amy and I will happily give you recommendations if you ask. And we can certainly make you aware of any dietary restrictions or allergies you should consider. Make a checklist if you need to, but go into the call with clear goals and objectives, namely a day and time that work for you, a place you want to eat, and clarity on how she’ll get there. You’ll be off to a good start. And believe it or not, she’ll be glad you took the lead.

Next time, more tips on how to fake it… for when you’re actually on the date.