Month: July 2013

Getting to Date Two Strategies and Advice

It might seem trivial but getting to date two can present its fair share of challenges. Last night I moderated a mock date. A mock date is a simulated date where I hire someone who has experience with dating to serve as my clients date for the night. My client (an early 30’s female in tech living in Silicon Valley) agreed to do a mock date after 4 hours of in-office training.

We worked together on many areas that she felt she wanted to improve on in order to be the best date possible. Topics we worked on pre mock date were: How to greet your date? What to talk about? How to flirt? What is off limits conversationally? What if your dates keeps talking and talking? How to battle major jitters? What if you are inherently a more quiet/shy person..how to stand out on a first date and *shine*? How to get to date two on date one? How to end the date (i.e., hand shake, hug, kiss…run the other way ;))

The mock date provides “real time” feedback and it is a very impromptu sort of format with no set rules or major guidelines. We pause if needed from the date, do “time outs”, and give the client essential feedback necessary in order to correct behavior and reprogram one’s approach. For instance, if a client talks too much about a subject that is sort of starting to go down a slippery slope, we will literally say “time out” and stop. Either the date or myself will explain our perspective and why the client should consider our approach. We will then resume the mock date and have the client practice. We will have the client do as many practice runs as possible till he/she gets it right.

The cool thing is that this client got powerful data straight from her date. Her date was unfiltered, honest, and shared what men want. Last night per usual, I was sitting right there on the “date” with them observing, taking notes, and giving my feedback as needed. Sound awkward with me there? It is for a bit then the client typically just fades me out. The client can also pause at anytime and ask for “on demand” advice as well. Where else can you get anything like this?

Here are some high level insights straight from her date that can be added to your dating arsenal of dating techniques too.

If you are a more quiet type, speak louder. Be very aware of your surroundings (i.e., table next to you is loud, don’t let their noise drown you out.)

Dating can be nerve wracking but try to make dating fun for you!

Keep your body relaxed and not stiff or robotic.

Don’t be afraid to speak up. If you really want the steak frites, order it.

For women, nonverbal flirting cues like playing with hair turns guys on. So do it more.

Men share they like a woman who has her own thoughts and opinions about a wide range of subjects. You don’t need to necessarily agree with your date. Who wants a ‘yes’ woman? Be someone who is bold in her convictions and speak your mind eloquently. That shows confidence. Confidence is sexy for both genders.

Right before you eat, bring it present and focused on the moment. Say “Cheers, so nice to meet you….thanks, really a lovely evening.”

If your date is dragging on and on about a subject that you feel is quickly going down a slippery slope, you must bring the date to the present….the here and now.

If you have butterflies and don’t want to eat…just order something small. Men will think you have an eating issue, are high maintenance, something is wrong, or worse yet you don’t like him.

Does the female pay on date one? No. If he asked you, absolutely not. It’s insulting if you insist on paying. If he accepts, run. Set the standard for yourself from day one.

Random things can happen on dates like you see an EX! Roll with the punches and be spontaneous. It is good for the soul. Be gracious and friendly and again focus to the present moment, i.e., your date. Versus getting caught up in unexpected stress.

Most importantly, go into the date with low pressure as if you are meeting a friend. If you go in with less expectations and lower pressure, you will end up being yourself and not trying being to someone you are not. And that is good!

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What Are Silicon Valley Men Looking For?

Beauty
Silicon Valley men tell me that they need to be attracted. Men are wired to quickly size a female up. He’s either going to be attracted or not. On a first date, as a female, you have about 30 seconds to either fall into the attractive bucket or friend zone. It’s unfair but true. If attracted on some level, then they size up according to the next point….brains. There is a broad definition of beauty for men. Some desire petite, curvy, blond, Asian, Indian, Caucasian, African American, short, tall…you name it!

Brains
Silicon Valley men need to be pushed intellectually. Beauty fades but not the mind. So they tell me when they are 90 years old in rockers on the porch sipping lemonade with their wife, they want to be able to talk about something interesting. It has been one of the most refreshing “revelations” in running my business that these men really do desire someone who is incredibly bright. She will teach him, inspire him, push him cerebrally and vice versa.

Balance
Silicon Valley men work hard but they also like to shut it off at the end of the day and indulge in their greatest passions and hobbies outside of career. They desire a mate who can match them on this and she has her own life, autonomy, hobbies, and interesting ways she stays busy and active outside of the domain of day-to-day work life. She has balance and isn’t necessarily on the huge hamster wheel of life working 24/7. This also signals she has time for a relationship!

Happy 4th of July!
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The Secrets Of Silicon Valley’s Dating Scene

BuzzFeed contacted me to introduce the journalist to a few of our clients who were willing to talk anonymously about the Silicon Valley dating scene. Here is what one young attorney in the Silicon Valley had to say….

There is saying amongst women trying to date in Silicon Valley: The odds are good, but the goods are odd. There are tons of guys, but they tend to be socially awkward, career-obsessed, and prone to a Peter Pan mentality.

What’s it like to try to find love in the Valley? This lawyer, in her early thirties and living in the heart of Silicon Valley, has tried everything: online dating, going to clubs, and even Linx Dating, a high-end Valley matchmaking service. On the condition of anonymity she agreed to tell all.google-520

They call it “Man Jose,” and it is so true.

If you are even an average or above average female, finding a date isn’t an issue. You have a lot of guys you can go on dates with, but what makes it difficult is finding a viable partner. Most of the men went to Ivy League schools, are ambitious, and came out here because it’s the mecca of the tech world. There’s a great mix of guys from all over world, and there are interesting types of people to meet. That said, not a lot of them are viable. And the men that are viable know it.

A lot of them are socially awkward. They are extremely smart and logical and think, “I can apply that to a relationship and be rational and logical and that will work.” They don’t realize that as women, we can be emotional — a lot of guys don’t have tolerance for that.

A lot of people in the Valley have started meeting people through salsa dancing — it’s really big — and so much social awkwardness comes up. I don’t think a lot of guys even interact with women on a consistent basis. You dance with them and some actually shake. They can’t look you in the eye. They act like, “Oh my goodness, there is a woman who I’m touching.” They get super nervous. It makes it difficult to date someone who doesn’t even know how to act in a social context; it’s just frustrating.

I went on a date with a 25-year-old who told me in the beginning, “You are the second person I’ve ever gone on a date with. Ever.”

It was the worst date. It was clear he had never dated. He told me all these things that you wouldn’t ever disclose on a first date. It almost felt like an awkward high school setup; we met at this yogurt place. And that’s another thing — it’s not really typical to go on formal dates. Everyone does coffee for the first date. In other parts of the country, going to dinner is pretty standard; here, when a guy mentions dinner for a first date, it’s like, wow — that is shocking! Most people in the tech industry are very laid-back and don’t have a lot of time. The mentality is, “Am I going to invest in this or do sort of a pre-date?”

On dates, guys wear flip-flops, shorts, and jeans. It’s what they wear to work, so they think it translates to date attire — just wearing their scrubby clothes. I wear dresses when I met these guys. They don’t put in that effort.

Guys who are successful, who dress up, are good-looking, and who aren’t socially awkward are a rare breed. And they know it. They have a ton of choices. They’re the type that’s always looking for a better option. There are some like that in Silicon Valley, but I find a lot in San Francisco. I’ve been on dates with guys you would say are the “whole package,” and while they’re with you they literally look at other women as they walk away.Mark Pincus

Guys in Silicon Valley spend lot of time on their career and don’t have time to devote to relationships. I’m a lawyer and I work a lot too; most tech guys I meet put in as many or more hours as I do. Sometimes when they have a deadline or are pushing out a product, for instance, they put in 90 hours. They typically say they would live at work if they could. A lot of big tech companies, like Google and LinkedIn, make it conducive to these guys spending every minute of their time there, with great perks like food and showers and the like.

The companies where they work promote a bubble mentality. There is an immaturity level that prevails — like they are trying to promote the idea that they are still in college. At Google they have Nerf gun wars. At work, their food is provided for them and they can, essentially, act like they are still in college. A lot of guys, even in their twenties and early thirties, have roommates even though they are making well over $100,000 a year. It makes it difficult to have a serious relationship.

There are two groups of guys. A lot of them are 23 to 28. They are into their career, and most are quite immature. And then there are a ton of early-forties guys who never married. They have waited and were starting companies and then they hit their forties and realized,”Now I’m ready to get married and have kids.”

These groups are the only two we get hit on by. Where are the early-thirties guys? We can’t figure it out. We don’t know where they hang out or what they do. Especially online, if a guy in his mid-thirties messages me, it’s a rarity. My friends and I are done dating anyone not in their thirties, and we don’t know where these guys are.

I’ve heard that San Francisco is known to be the number one city for gold diggers, but I haven’t observed that at all. It isn’t realistic, because if you live in this area you have to be able to make quite a bit of money — it’s very expensive. It’s actually the other way around: There are definitely very accomplished older professional women here. Older women are just picking up the 28-year-olds because they can. It is totally cougar central, and it’s hilarious.

Everywhere I go, it’s 23- and 24-year-olds. I’ll say, “You’re too young for me. It won’t work,” and they tell me, “I’ve dated older women, and it is so much better.” It’s pretty common. They’ll latch on to us, and they think, she’ll take care of me. They’re being taken care of at work, so why not be in a relationship where they’re taken care of too?

It’s so comical — to the point where when I go out, the first question is, “How old are you?” These younger guys try to persuade you that they really are mature, but they’re not. Some of them just latch on and are very persistent. It’s flattering, sure, but at the same time, it just doesn’t work.

A lot of guys have the mentality that they’ll wait and they’ll find the perfect woman. They don’t realize that relationships aren’t about perfection. At work, it’s all black and white. They say they love their job because it’s about fixing a problem and there is always a solution. They don’t realize that this isn’t how it works in real life.

Written by : Justine Sharrock for BuzzFeed

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