You Gotta Give Him Something To Work With | Subtle Flirting

I just finished a screening with a young and fabulous woman in her mid twenties. She is absolutely stunning, runs a successful business, classy, sweet and a total “whole package” sort of young woman. Spending the last many years focused on her career, she has made some very big changes this year to make dating a priority. She has relocated to a new place outside of her comfort zone, really putting herself out there exercising different avenues to date and find a great match. Today she shared that her trouble has not been getting the dates; it’s getting the men she is interested in to ask her out for date two. 

You see, she’s a good girl and not someone who sleeps around at all. I was able to quickly bypass a lot of layers (since I know men and women quite well in hearing hundreds upon hundreds of stories) and see that she is probably the type who feels guilty/weird/yucky/dirty/fill in the blank when flirting because she thinks if she flirts, a guy will see her solely as a sex object and not take her seriously as a smart young lady. 

It’s the same dilemma I witness with some of my older female clients who have been these major powerhouses in the business world. For these women (in many cases) where they date after divorce, it is really hard to conceptualize how to flirt without diminishing one’s strengths, smarts, achievements, etc. 

I told this young lady today that there are degrees to flirting and that she can learn to flirt without worrying about portrayed in the wrong light. At the end of the day, remember that men are simple creatures. As simple as they are, you gotta give them a bone at some point. No bone, not a happy, content pup. Bone equals calm doggie and a happy one very satisfied with the person who gave him the bone.

Give your date something to work with. If you don’t,  he’s quickly going to read that you aren’t into him. In other words, the advice I gave to this young woman is to take a step towards him on the date and do the so called “dating dance” otherwise this potential boyfriend material guy will bucket her as “friend” or worse yet “a business buddy.”

When dating, do the dating tango and step towards him on the date through your verbal and non-verbal actions. Compliment him. If you are feeling good about things, give off a vibe of something along the lines of:

I’m liking tonight

I’m liking you

I’m into this cool restaurant you picked

I’m at ease around you

You make me laugh

You make me LOL 

You’re so cute

You’re so cute I want to kiss you

You’re such a gentleman 

You are different from other guys

I feel good around you

I feel happy right now 

I am in the company of a good guy

You’re super hot

How can you be so smart and down to earth? 

Who said dating is arduous? 

If you are stiff/business-like/one of the boys or simply don’t emote any hint at digging him, he’d rather quickly size you up/down and place you in the “colleague” or “friend” bucket IN FEAR OF getting rejected. 

For all he knows, since you haven’t given any VIBE off, he thinks you don’t like him/ or just cold/uptight. Did you hear that? It’s true. These guys will think you aren’t into them EVEN IF YOU ARE and think he is the cats meow. So girl, work it. You can work it and do it is in subtle and classy way. 

Male emotions are a lot less complex than female emotions. They know what they want and what they don’t want, and they will rarely admit this but they scare easily! From my dating experience  and a matchmaker for over a decade – men don’t typically like to discuss feelings and express interest unless they are certain it’s okay. So, in a nutshell ladies – the right man will be more than happy to be chivalrous and take initiative but if you like him; let him know! Great ways are subtle flirting, complimenting and simply letting him know that you enjoy his company. These things will put the guy at ease and let him know that it’s okay to ask you out on that next date!  

Use one of my compliments above on your date and see what happens. You can certainly try it verbally or give the vibe of one of the compliments non-verbally. If you are INTO the guy, thank him for being a gentleman and tell him you feel good around him. Smile. Smile again. Hug him at the end of the night. Hold your gaze into his eyes for 15 seconds and see what happens.  Confused? Email me: amy@linxdating.com. We do date coaching every week and take appointments from many non-members of Linx. Don’t be shy. Be bold.

Romance in the Air | Linx Love

I am delighted to learn about another Linx couple who is exclusive and just shared their first Valentine’s together in San Francisco. Both are young and very bright, dynamic entrepreneurs and so nicely matched on many levels.

She shared with me, “He really went all out. Since he’s still getting his place set up, he came over to mine, bag full of groceries and a bouquet of a dozen long-stem roses and white star lilies in hand, which were exquisite! He immediately popped open a bottle of champagne and made a beautiful cheese plate (which included a heart shaped goat cheese with cranberries and brie covered with sliced strawberries). I volunteered to help, but he resisted and told me to just sit down and enjoy. I lit some candles and sipped on champagne as I watched him prepare dinner. He brought his jambox and had a whole playlist ready to go. For dinner he made a calamari pasta dish and a beautiful salad, which we enjoyed with a bottle of red wine he brought over. We then lit a fire and stayed up pretty late….”

Here is a darling collage from their Valentine’s together. Talk about rolling out the red carpet and setting the stage for incredible romance together! This gentleman was raised very well and certainly knows how to treat a woman. His match is a beauty and has a brain for business yet is ultra feminine and loves a man who “is a man.”

The Linx girls are excited to see you both progress together and so happy to have another Linx match and two fantastic members off the market!

 

 

 

A few of my favorite things

Valentine’s has come and gone. I have gotten word of new exclusive couples and couples that are traveling together. I received very sweet messages in the snail mail and email, chocolate gifts, and other kind cupid day sentiments from clients.Pink orchids, purples, and reds grace the Linx office this week.  A sweet card in the mail for Valentine’s from a lovely Linx gentleman client

This week is a busy one at Linx. We had a full work day on Presidents Day and tomorrow is nuts at our offices with three interviews and a prospect screening. I have a girl flying in from LA for her interview and she gets to already have a date tomorrow night.

I had one amazing on paper guy flake out today from his interview which was a real bummer but I gather he isn’t ready to commit. When someone is one foot in and one foot out of our process, it is best for them to wait till they are two feet in. Although it would have been such a pleasure to have this dynamic CEO in Linx, as they say…it is all about timing. Onto fun news….Linx is officially trademarked with the United States Patents and Trademark Office. It was many years in the making and today I got my official certificates with registered numbers for: Are You Linked? Linx Dating, and Link & Drink.CNN should be airing this week and I will keep you posted of that too. CNN was an interview from December and they also featured a fun mixer too. I am super excited about it and naturally very curious as to how it turns out.

 

 

Casting Success!

For two days last week, nearly 24 hour cumulative hours of mini meetings, and 25 women later, our February casting was over and a wild success!

We chose the Four Seasons Hotel Silicon Valley, located in Palo Alto, for the meetings and housed ourselves on the comfy couches for two days where we screened intelligent and attractive women who had submitted their information for our consideration to meet our top VIP clients.

I was so impressed that every woman showed up before her actual appointment (with the exception of one who got lost), dressed the part, and came totally organized for us with photos of herself, an updated resume, and often pics of her ideal man.  Girls even flew in from Los Angeles to put themselves out there!  

We sat with each woman (of all ages ranging from 20’s to 50’s) and got to know each one individually. The conversations varied, my questions were bold and direct, and their responses were thoughtful and insightful.

My goal was to determine if the woman in front of me had the “IT” factor that we seek and, further, if she met the specific requirements of a current VIP client of Linx. Some absolutely blew me away with their poise, class, and accomplishments.  At the root of everything, though, was my desire to see if each girl was willing to be flexible – like a giant piece of old-fashioned taffy with her criteria.

Ever see taffy being made on that old machine? The push, the pull, the elasticity of give and take involved? Same thing with matchmaking. Clients (and I don’t care whether it is a VIP male/female or a regular type of client) need to be OPEN-MINDED and to allow lots of room for creativity. I was pleasantly surprised that the majority of these women were willing to be flexible with respect to their criteria (while ideally having matches adhere substantially to their core values).

We will be offering memberships this week to a few of these candidates and, while not everyone qualified, the rest will be held in the database for another time when there might be a better fit at that time. I can’t say enough just how grateful I am to have had so many fantastic women be so trusting of the process, be excited, and really have made that effort to potentially meet the men of their dreams!

We learned so much from each woman… What fascinated me is that regardless of an particular candidate’s background (ethnicity, age, academic, personality type, etc.), the common quality that each candidate shared that she desires to find in a man is a gentleman – someone who is confident and has integrity. Loyalty, being honest, being a good guy, and being faithful, too, is a huge one.  A lot of the women had dealt with infidelity from a mate. They had to learn to move on (or in some cases accept it) and start new. Remember to always value yourself and never overlook or accept infidelity. Chances are, if you forgive once, he will slip again and keep on cheatin’.

This week at Linx is particularly nuts with Valentines! I have a lot of men coming out from the good old woodwork wanting to join Linx (love that!) and many appointments this week with prospective clients and new clients joining. On a personal note, I can’t wait to share Valentine’s with my hubbie (and funny enough have a double date with my parents that night- super cute right?).

XO  Cupid’s arrow is pointing in your direction —–>>—->

Styling Silicon Valley Coding Stars

In last week’s blog post,  we shared a little bit about one of our new clients who is a talented software engineer. This young Linx client has transformed in the few months of working with him…from shy and nervous around ladies to confident and sporting some serious swagger. 

Yesterday we spent a couple hours with him for a wardrobe consultation at Jcrew in the Stanford Shopping Center and helped him put together a few looks for both casual everyday wear and date appropriate attire. 

Our goal going into any wardrobe consultation is to help our clients achieve a look that works for him/her, while being comfortable, and appealing to the opposite sex too. For this client, we felt like J. Crew was perfect for his lifestyle, age appropriate (as he is in his late 20’s), approachable and meeting his budget too. He’s more of a down-to-earth, laid back cerebral type who desires comfort, ease when wearing clothing, and something that is a reflection of his personality (versus something that is pretentious, stuffy, too fancy, or frankly…too pricey.)

We spent an hour pulling items before our client arrived and chose looks ranging from great blazers, to gingham dress shirts, pocket squares with personality, preppy oxford shirts, fitted trousers, dark demin jeans, punchy socks,  hip fatigue jackets, driver loafers, and chill suede boots. 

After we pulled all items (with the help of my assistants beau, Leon, who used to be a stylist at J Crew), our client arrived ready to start the process.

We spent a total of 3 hours together introducing him to all of the looks we put together. He liked everything and surprisingly, the only items he reacted negatively towards were hoodies and cool sneakers! Go figure. We figured he would be all over the Zuck-like hoodies for coding at work and loving the colorful kicks but he said definitely NO.

All in all, it was a very successful shopping day. I even took his new suede shoes to the local cobbler to get weather proofed and my assistant is delivering his freshly pressed clothes to his front door tonight. Talk about VIP service! Now that our client has gone through his preparation steps for dating, he is now positioned for successful matchmaking. He feels great, looks great, and enters the dating scene with excitement, curiosity, and confidence.

 

Valentine’s Date Scenario III: His House for Dinner

If you’ve been following our Valentine’s Day Style Guide series, then you know how much fun we’ve been having challenging our friends over at Tog + Porter to come up with outfits for different Valentine’s Day date scenarios. We’ve done classic romance with my ‘Over the Moon for You,’ date. Then we did something a little more out of the box for a newly dating couple called ‘Adventurous and Quirky’. Now it’s on to the third and last date, ‘An Invitation to His House for Dinner’. What makes this date especially interesting is the couple’s dating history. The gals over at Tog + Porter actually have a name for this date; they call it the “Determining The Relationship” or “DTR” date.

Here’s the details I gave them about the couple and how the night would unfold:

This couple has had 5 dates and always very fun and “PG.” He’s been the consummate gentleman but after consulting with his buddies felt he needed to see if that serious romantic *spark* was there. He’s into her but they definitely haven’t had an exclusive chat yet. She feels like he is a total diamond in the rough and she is seriously liking him.

He sends her an email to come over to his home for a Valentine’s dinner. She’s never been to his house and a homemade dinner sort of makes her sweat. It feels really “real” and “serious.” The dates so far have been easy going and fun. Lots of laughter, affection, and chivalry. She feels butterflies thinking about this date because she knows it could lead to something more serious.

She emails him back and accepts the sweet invite asking if she can bring anything. He says, “Nothing…only you.”

The day of, she heads to her liquor shop and gets an incredible cognac to share. She also brings him an Hermes tie with little puppies on it wrapped up beautifully. He just got a rescue pup, so she thought this would be a cute way to acknowledge this and thank him for a lovely evening.

He’s gone far to impress her. Rose petals on the floor in the entryway, champers to start with, steaks and veggies he grilled, and chocolate chip cookies they baked together.

She stays the night and wakes up in the morning to piping hot coffee and the smell of his cologne lingering on her. She’s doesn’t want to leave.

Now for the big question: What to Wear? Here’s what I told T+P stylist Maureen about the couple’s style:

He’s more of a buttoned up type (successful career in finance) and opts for the preppy look on the weekends. Being from the East Coast, she is definitely more Kate Middleton than “The Olsen Twins” in her style and she’s pretty conservative in general.

As she thinks about this date, the more she realizes she doesn’t want to be stuffy. Instead, she wants to look sexy but not trying too hard. In other words, it is about bumping up her sex appeal a few notches.

Maureen knew exactly where to take it from here. “She needs to show him she’s into him, serious and ready to move forward,” she said. “She wants to look and feel sexy and her look should be suggestive, but not too inviting. She should also bring an element of comfort to her chic so she looks relaxed in his home.” While my client might be resistant to this outfit at first, the ladies at T+P say they’d encourage her to push the envelope a little and give something new a try. I agree it’s the furthest thing from stuffy and she’ll undoubtedly knock his socks off once the jacket comes off.

“She should feel her absolute best and allow her outfit to emulate her mood and draw even more attention from him than she’s already garnered,” said Maureen. I couldn’t agree more and I think this is a mission accomplished! This second outfit is feminine and flirty (both good), but just the right amount of edge thrown in to keep it interesting. 

Maureen also added a slightly less inconspicuous overnight satchel bag.

Have an important date coming up? Let the stylists at Tog + Porter help you accomplish your style goals and put your best foot forward. If you still need help with your Valentine’s Day outfit, be sure and sign up for a style consult ASAP, time is running out.

Modern Day Sense and Sensibility

I watched Sense and Sensibility last night….what a lovely film!

 

“The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!” -Marianne Dashwood, Sense and Sensibility (Jane Austen).  

That makes me smile thinking about the wishes of our members who come into Linx often with long romantic lists defining their dream suitor. I listen and extract the key elements I feel the client needs to make the perfect match. A little science, definitely intuition, and an open-heart and mind make for today’s modern day match that Jane Austen surely would approve of! 

We can probably all relate to the utter pain and agony Marianne Dashwood experiences when Willoughby breaks her heart. Although they flirted, shared in artistic pleasures together, were affectionate….his words never expressed a hint at any engagement.

Remember this when dating. The man who your heart flutters with excitement over might be another Willoughby type. Sorry to burst your bubble but these guys are everywhere out there.  He’s incredibly handsome and seems most excellent on paper. He’s charming, will date you, kiss you, and leave you wanting more but won’t necessarily settle down (or is just not a good man in general).

For all you know, he’s out and about galavanting around (in the novel, Austen created him as a protagonist driven by the need for his own pleasure and not one who values an emotional connection like Marianne experienced) and ends up playing you like a fiddle. He tells you he isn’t ready to get serious, doesn’t desire marriage, or perhaps has gotten more serious with someone else.

I‘ve dated the Willoughby type in the city and oh did my heart break in two. I was quite confident that my Willoughby and I would end up together until one day after many dates he sat me down at a bar and declared that I was one of many girls he was seeing and I didn’t have what he needed. He said something along the lines of he needed someone smarter. Wow did that feel like a dagger through my heart and also like a giant “who do you think you are” saying that to ME moment? What you need a female Einstein…seriously so insulting! It was his way of telling me he needed to continue to date others and be a player. I was so mesmerized at how perfect on paper he was for me that I never really read the signs. There were many signs along the way (not calling when he said he would call, being uncomfortable with emotion, wanting to sleep together with no commitment, and on and on.)

I believe he took great pleasure in dating up a storm and having the “ultimate control” over the women in his life who he knew he had in the palm of his hand since he was a modern-day Willoughby. He had many women in his life all on speed dial, kept many secrets along the way (he made each of us feel we were his only one…that was something that made it all so confusing!), and when things started getting more serious (like me hinting at becoming exclusive together) he freaked out and went cold turkey. It was as if I didn’t even recognize him. Who was this monster in my presence that could be so cruel and sink my hopes?  He let go and dumped the girls (myself included) who needed something he couldn’t provide being a commitment.

Let’s not forget that he expected that you’d sleep with him anyways even through no commitment was there. As Cher would say in Clueless, “As if!”  On a side note, Clueless is loosely based off of Jane Austen’s novel, Emma. There are many parallels to the film and novel. Both Cher and Emma are matchmakers to their friends.

Luckily for Marianne Dashwood, she ends up with Colonel Brandon who had loved her from the moment he first saw her. She had always overlooked him as he was more reserved (perhaps a shy modern-day Silicon Valley type?) but had proved his honor over time. Luckily for me, I got to marry my husband, Alex in the end and not that silly modern-day Willoughby.

Enjoy the complete film here. 

This week at Linx

I love getting sweet comments and emails from members. Today a male client who is such a catch said this to me, “You always have the best emails ever. You’re like an angel sending me good vibes by email… Super happy about it!” Aimi and I are working really hard on his behalf screening various candidates to potentially match him to. I want him engaged in 2013..the clock is ticking!

I love being my clients matchmaking angel. I had a great call with a young fab female client today who is making some important decisions soon about focusing energies possibly on one of her matches and becoming exclusive. Yeay for successful introductions.  I also got word from a female VIP that things are going really well with her match. They aren’t exclusive yet but his words indicate that he feels very strongly about her and his behavior tells me that it is only a matter of time before they couple up as boyfriend and girlfriend.

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” – Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice 

Yesterday I attended a Super Bowl Birthday party on the peninsula and sat next to two mid 20’s girls. One leaned over and asked “what I do” for a living. When I said I was a professional matchmaker they both squealed and couldn’t believe it.

Both girls I met lamented about how hard the scene is out there. One of the girls said “just match me to someone who is smart and has a job.” She said the last guy she dated was smart and had a job but admitted to how “ugly” he was. She couldn’t bear the thought of a make-out, let alone sleeping with him. Yikes. The other girl said one guy dumped her because she wasn’t attractive enough- mind you, she is a cutie. She said dating has been so stressful, her MD thinks she has post traumatic stress disorder because dating is “that” stressful to her and she’s been taking time off from all the guys treating her poorly. I hate hearing stories like that! Dating can be stressful but it shouldn’t affect you in such severe way.

We are gearing up for an interview tomorrow and a wardrobe consultation that I am super pumped up for. The client is a new member of Linx and in his late 20’s. I have a soft spot in my heart for him as he is someone who is so willing to go the extra mile and do what it takes to find love. We will be featuring some of his wardrobe consult on the blog at some point hopefully this week. Then we get ready for tons of mini interviews in Palo Alto as part of our casting call. I’m so excited to meet these women and see if they have that “it” quality we look for. This casting is so popular we are having another in March.

Lots of new matches will be made this week as well and calls with many prospects. All in all a great week in store for Linx!

Stop Playing Games | Dating Advice

When it comes to dating, who do you think plays more games? Men or women? I think women always think that men do the game playing (and in a lot of cases I think that can be very true) but from a behind the scenes perspective at Linx, I’d have to say the women appear to have the tendency to play more head games with the guys.

Our guys at Linx are pretty simple guys who at the end of the day want to find a lasting, genuine connection. They sign up for Linx because they work a lot, loathe the idea of sifting through hundreds of online profiles after work, have limited social resources for set-ups through friends, and have a high bar for what they want. They trust my team that we have listened carefully, intuited their type, and will deliver.

As a matchmaker, my routine for setting up clients has become ever more rigorous as we want to eliminate ANY reasons for them to turn down a proposed match.  For example, as I present a match candidate to a client, I ask a few high level questions, like these, to ensure that we are on the right track:

Do you think you know this person? 
Are you in town and is the timing good for you? 
Do you like the sound of my match candidate? 
Do you feel excited about the possibility or luke warm? 
Do you have any concerns from the gate? 
Do you have any major questions for me before we proceed? 
Are you completely unattached? 
And on and on…..

Once we reach that point and with any questions answered, if both the respective male and female are equally jazzed and pumped up to meet one another, THEN we “green light” the match and proceed. The engines are all fired up. Behind the scenes, I’m pacing back and forth like the rat in a laboratory cage wondering if the sparks will fly. At this stage, both parties have officially received their respective match bios describing each other – each is a completely original take on who their fabulous date is. No last names, no photos, only a vivid, luscious description with words to build up that anticipation … and have those engines continue to vroom vroom baby.

A scenario that we REALLY try to avoid at Linx (since this is such a different approach compared to everyday dating on your own) is the cat and mouse game AFTER A MATCH is made. What do I mean by this? Well, your fab cutie Silicon Valley entrepreneur date calls you and can’t reach you. So he leaves a message and you decide to play coy and do the little dance. You don’t call him back so now he’s sort of panicked wondering WTF. He reaches out to me being the matchmaker/friend/liasion/trusted source/fairy godmother type, and then matchmaker and client do the little dance.

Male client, “Amy I’m not sure what happened. Maybe I have the wrong number or something but I left a message on Friday and it is now Monday. Maybe she is traveling?”

Me, “Hmm, well I think she is in town, so let me ping her and see what is up.”

Then I proceed to reach out to her. She gets back to me right away with a “oh yeah, I have been so busy with unexpected guests in town but will call him back right away.”

She calls him and doesn’t reach him but doesn’t leave a VM. He proceeds to call her right back and she doesn’t pick up. This game continues for another two days until he calls me and is legitimately concerned.

Male client, “Amy, I just don’t think she is serious about meeting. Maybe she doesn’t like the sound of my profile but I am sticking to my gut and trusting in my grandmothers sage advice. We are all very busy people and if she really were serious and wanted to meet, she would have called me back by now. It is 7 days since the official match went out via email.”

Me to him, “I hear you, I really do. I’m not sure what to say or do as it places me in such a precarious situation. I feel for you and know you are results driven and it shouldn’t be this difficult. Let’s move on, upward, onward, and with enthusiasm. I will get to work on your next match right away!”

My title is matchmaker but I’m also a business owner who wears the hat of CEO and has to deal with these really tricky situations. In this case, I look at patterns in this kind of behavior and sometimes realize that a client has already done this sort of thing before with another client. As Patti Stanger would say, “Get out of my freakin’ club!”

People are fragile and even the most confident man at work can have feelings of doubt when it comes to dating. As you are out there dating, keep it simple and straightforward. Follow the approach that your ancestors would have done when they were out there dating. In other words, emulate and appreciate what old-fashioned courtship and chivalry really means.

We are so completely inundated with gadgets and apps in today’s modern society and are always “on the run.” Although people may say they are really ready to find love, sometimes I have to boldly ask them if they REALLY are?! Someone like the woman in the example above who can’t seem to call her date back might be hiding something and masking the truth. Maybe she is scared to find the one and actually be open and vulnerable.

Slow down and sometimes just stop in your tracks to think about what you are doing and how others will perceive you when dating. If you are a female and you want to fall in love in 2013, stop playing games. If you are a man and want to fall in love in 2013, stop playing games.

If he calls you, show him the proper respect and call him back (and yes the same thing goes to the guys out there.)

Have manners, be polite, and be gracious. 

With all of this being said, shit happens in life. If you are in a legitimate bind with guests in town, have fallen down and can’t get up, have food poisoning, have had your dog eat your homework, have 4 flat tires, have a cell phone that spontaneously combusted, or have spontaneously combusted yourself, there is always a solution out there!

We still do have pay phones, prepaid calling cards, carrier pigeons for sale http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pigeon_post, smoke signals, flares, and you do have two legs and feet for walking. Chances are, you can find a way to communicate to your date and share that you are excited to go out and will call him for a chat asap.

Dating doesn’t need to be so complicated.  Don’t be the road block that hinders you from falling in love. 

Be the catalyst to create the relationship you deserve.